Showing posts from 2008


for some reason i feel like society is using subliminal messaging to make me feel guilty for being a cynic
what's wrong with pessimism aside from the fact that it can be terribly boring and somewhat tiresome, which feeds into my endless cycle of guilt blahblablha what the fuck am i even saying ooooomg

had to do an intake interview with mirasol (inpatient) over the phone today and it was awkward telling a complete stranger things that i haven't even told some of my friends, i don't care you don't care that's ok

yyyyyyeah i hate things right now




priceless, i laughed anyways

um yeah i'm going to hang out with some friends in a little while i'm actually pretty excited. i'm leaving around 11:30am tomorrow for tucson, not so excited about that.

i don't have anything sharp or funny or witty or charming to say today, everything just is what it is

by the way last night i ruined everything


my lil munster :)
i feel like edward norton in that movie 25th hour. i leave monday for inpatient in tucson, i'll be there for probably 60 days. i have today and tomorrow to try and relax and hang out with my friends (who have, btw, been the most incredibly supportive people in the world pardon my cheesiness) and family.
patio party tonight and desert ridge in the morning i'll try to enjoy thisssss

i couldn't decide which picture i liked better these are from december 07



the highest highs bring the lowest lows.

there is always a price to pay and that is the way it will always be, it's inevitable


something about right now feels really good.

i've been far but it's never been serious
take your time, take your time to arrive
we move slow down the roads with the lights out
you whisper soft, "if we're lost don't turn around"
we'll take our time, take our time to arrive
where we are, there are no ceilings where we are
i could be anywhere as long as i'm with you

maybe i'm a good person, maybe i'll listen to this song forever



i edited this post like 6 times here's the final product

my nephewwwwww ain't he cute he's gonna be a heartbreaker

i had a charmed childhood, i realllllllly really did. my parents provided for me and then some. i was this bubbly outgoing little bundle of boundless energy and i could talk my way out of almost anything. i have pictures of me standing in front of the giant whale at disney land, gap-toothed smile and all. i remember i had a dentist who used to call me "sunny bunny" and once i bit her because i thought it would be funny (it wasn't even a little bit funny to her). but you remember the laughing gas stuff they would give you??? yeah i used to babble incessantly when they gave me that stuff, i would flail my leg over the side of the chair, heave a giant child-like sigh, and contentedly giggle and chatter and make everyone laugh

i remember being carefree like that until...... i'm gonna say 7th grade. in middle school i pretty much hit a wall…

** 100 **

in 100 annoying blog posts, i have gone through some phases

1) the "i love myself in the most healthy non-narcissistic way possible" phase (see earliest posts)
2) the "well, i'm going through a rough time but i still like myself" phase
3) the "i am my own worst enemy/i have a secret but i cannot tell you" phase
4) the self-loathing phase (pre-secret unveiling)
5) the overly dramatic secret revealing phase
6) the "well phew i got that off my chest now i'm going to blog excessively and obsessively about it to compensate for all my self-censorship WOO"

and now whatever the fuckkkkkkk this is
i tried to find a place to include the whiny phase but since that's pretty much THE ENTIRE THING... we'll just say each phase has its own whiny undertone

i love the hoodie i'm wearing finally something with sleeves long enough for my monkey arms *i am a giraffe* um i haven't eaten since sunday night lol byeeeee


goodbye to sleep,
i think this staying up is exactly what i need
take apart your head
take apart the counting and the flock it has bred
take me, take me back to your bed
i love you so much that it hurts my head
i don't mind you under my skin,
i'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in

feel like i'm gonna throw up here's a picture from freshman year: lunch used to be really entertaining, when he wasn't jumping off walls this kid was generally causing a riot, one of my best friends but he disappeared byeeee :( starting now i'm going to live like i've kept all my secrets, this is dangerous for me but i need to be let go


this morning i found out that if i lose any more weight i won't be able to get into inpatient, i'll have to be hospitalized (and tube fed yelchh)instead until i'm stable
but i don't care because i'm alive right now, last night when i was grimacing and blacking out and shaking uncontrollably from pain on the way to the ER i was dubious about the whole surviving thing you know? eating disorders are such a fucking bitch


i've been jumping from the tops of buildings, for the thrill of the fall
ignoring sound advice and any thought of consequence
my bones are shattered,
my pride is shattered
and in the midst of this self-inflicted pain
i can see my beautiful rescue

1/13/08, i knew everything i needed to know in that moment:

i'm done apologizing for being lucky,
but i hesitate to call anything a breakthrough because i tend to take one step forward and three giant leaps backward


i don't care what i said before, i fucking love my friends.


i haven't slept, don't feel like i'll ever need to again

old, doesn't really require explanation

my world feels like it's on fire right now, like the crackling and the bends and curves of the flames, and the world is moving out from under me in waves. if i stand i might faint

i watched sling blade with my dad earlier and now i want to be one of the main characters, carl loved his french fried taters with mustard and what a wonderful movie, not violent either even though it sounds like it would be. there was some serious *best friendship* in that movie, the purest kind i've seen, i can only hope it exists beyond hollywood and that someday i'll get better and i'll find it, or it'll find me


the only way for me to get through a meal is to distract myself with derailed thoughts, masochistic fantasies of suicide and pain, the only things i feel deserving of anymore. bite, if this meal puts me over the edge i can end everything. bite, i don’t have to stay on this earth. bite, it’s my choice, it’s up to me whether i live or die. bite, nobody can keep me here against my will. bite, chew, i deserve all the pain i put myself through. swallow.

i need my eating disorder, don't want to get better and lose it. it's like a stronger person inside me, it makes all the tough decisions, calls all the shots. i can accept its harsh criticisms and impossible demands because they're all true and i don't deserve anything better. it's not all bad, my eating disorder, it treats me badly but is capable of loving me, when my stomach is empty and my head throbs upon standing and i begin to black out. these are the times when my eating disorder is kind, when i stand in the mirror…


sssSSSsssuuUUUuupPP i bring "pathetic" to a whole new level but i don't really feel like explaining why so forget i said that

another old picture..... my camera lens (sans camera) providing endless entertainment for my best friend of 6 1/2 years yaaaaay hey look it's the crusty's shirt

i've been staying up unreasonably late with a really dumb incentive, i'm too embarrassed to even say why. oh this morning i thought i was going blind because everything went black for about 10 seconds and it was a lllooonggg 10 seconds

i'm finding anything & everything i can to keep me awake, tv marathons of ANTM and endless games of spider solitaire will have to suffice since i've sworn off caffeine.

what a sad existence i need a purpose! someday i'll have one, i haven't given up hope quite yet. despite all of my recent realizations and the fact that i'm going to be in inpatient DURING CHRISTMAS....... i feel a little better than i did before


so i chickened out, didn't go to thanksgiving dinner with my family, i figured this would happen. i just can't be around all that food and all those people and all the pressure.

whether i eat or don't eat, i lose, that's just the way this eating disorder plays the game

this morning i got really scared because my heart was pounding so hard and so fast then it slowed down and i could barely feel it, my mom almost took me to the ER i was pale and shaking, on the verge of blacking out

i'd like to black out permanently right now :S

um my mom and i are in the process of writing a story it's kind of exciting actually. i love writing fiction and she does too, she's a great writer and she's so excited about this, it's adorable lol seriously. i love my mom. my dad's been really great lately too, they're both being way supportive about everything.

ok *most miserable thing about today* my sister-in-law and her sister (who's a year older than me) draggggg…


i hate thanksgiving

soooooooooooooooooooooo fucking much!


woops mistake


i'm chasing something that can't be caught

how is it i can count my ribs when i look in a mirror but still don't see thin?


you're the only thing that i love
scares me more every day
on my knees i think clearer

the sad part is i always have to wonder if anyone ever misses me
i've got a huge decision to make, things got so much more complicated today.


ok so every once in a while i'm able to eat something without feeling ~completely~ suicidal or horrible afterwards and i think yay maybe i'm finally coming around! case in point last night/this morning.........

then life is all NO PSYCH I WAS JK aaaaactually you will not be eating for the rest of the day because heeeere comes another curveball have tons of fun stressin today. with the stretched out words and everything i swear that's how it sounds

like a mordant sarcastic bully on a playground, sad faces :((((((

^ from a looong friggen time ago, the chains in my backyard
((( chosen for a reason omg cheesey symbolism is my #1 forte! )))


sup inpatient is a sure thing now it's just a matter of when & where

i can't remember the last time i went a day without crying, i don't love life i only love one thing and it's this close to being taken away from me.

they say if you don't eat in inpatient you get "privileges" taken away from you, there's absolutely nothing you could take away from me now that i would care about. fuck you


i'm 99% sure i'll be disappearing fairly soon


i'm drowning, but i don't care
because when you got what i got
who needs air?
i have come to the realization
that this life is more than what i have accomplished
and life is more than the realization
that we have accomplished nothing at all
true success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics
of your life and give up the air that you breathe
you don't need anything, you don't need anything.

i'm not sure what's going to happen to me. hey, if i disappear for a month, i'm in the hospital. i'm done forcing things, i'm done trying to avoid the inevitable, at least that's what i'm telling myself for now.

i have this weird relationship with pain and hunger. if i close my eyes and focus, i can still feel it but all of a sudden it's miles away and it's nice, realllllly nice, instead of biting or unbearable or agonizing. it's so much better than not feeling anything, so much better

remember my first or second post, when i said the reason i loved reading…


whewwww i'm wired! no seriously i have so much energy right now. i always get like this the night before a show especially considering this is the arizona season finale ((( aka a big deal if you're a horse geek like myself )))

sux because i have to get there at 7am which means leaving at 6:30am which means getting up at like 6 and forcing myself to eat something that early will be no easy feat. umm i just had a bowl of oatmeal which...... well i would rather have been forced to sit and watch a marathon of "paris hilton's my new bff" that's saying something!

sorry i'll try and stop complaining i'm waiting for my sleep meds to kick in *ho hum*

sleep will not come easily tonight! hmm i've been listening to brand new for like...... 5 hours okay night


hey can i be honest.............?
i'm terrified. it's the way you feel when you're sleeping somewhere you've never been before and you're alone in the middle of the night, and you hear something unfamiliar, or shrill like a scream. you know that stabbing feeling you get? but it's not a regular stabbing, it's kind of dull... a giant thunk in a part of your chest so deep you didn't know it was there.
yeah welllllllll welcome to my entire world that's all i can feel right now

they ("they" being the bastards at my ED clinic) talked to my parents about inpatient yesterday and they're dead serious..... apparently because i've lost like 10lbs in just the month or so i've been there blablah NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL but they think i'm in a dangerous place/state of mind right now HELLO i coulda told you that. but anyway i guess unless they see some drastic improvement (notttttt so likely) i have no choice but to go inpatient for 30-45 day…


ok listen up i'm acting as my own personal reputation upholder

in order to prevent further future embarrassment i think it would be wise for me to refrain from posting when all i have to say is whiny blah blah emo life hating shit. which meanssssss i will not be posting much for a while, considering my psychiatrist is a fucking quack and my meds have made me *more* depressed than before!

i have recently fallen in love with several new bands yay that was LITERALLY my reason for getting out of bed this morning how pathetic okay sorry i just had to get a little bit more self-absorbed whining out before i go without

smellllllllllllllllll ya l8er


i stared out the window the whole way home. it was dark already and the moon yellowed the clouds around it and i was living in a postcard. i told my mom i wanted to be put out of my misery. the song was sanctus real's i'm not alright.

i'm not alright


toooooday i got in trouble. i've been restricting a lot and lost some more weight, um my nutritionist was **not pleased** and there was talk of inpatient eating disorder treatment. this is frustrating because i've been (sort of) trying to eat more... i mean ugh okay not really i haven't been trying too much.

a while back you were impressed by my willpower when i said no to those warm, deliciously gooey brownies with the caramel and peanut butter chips but hhhhhey i have no willpower all i have is fear! just thought you should know, eating those things makes me suicidal hehehehe

from freshman year:

doesn't it look like jesus?!!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!!????????

it's not.


brrr i'm wearing the hood on my hoodie, a rare occurence but i'm extrrreeemmeeelllyyy cold
i'd like a book filled with appropriate responses for every situation. i'm not like a movie character, i don't always know what to say! i wish i did.
i have an embarrassing crush on dr. travis stork!

you know i really only have one secret left and it's something i can 100% guarantee i will *never* put on here or tell anyone.


while i'm falling asleep words like to tumble around in my brain, i come up with the weirdest sentences! last night it was "i know, that's why i put nail polish tape on their opinions."

oh, about my eating disorder. it feels nice to type that out anywwwwwway, it's been going on for some time. the summer going into my junior year i started to have body image issues, i thought i weighed too much/wanted to change this and that/wasn't skinny enough despite what everyone said, etc.
umm since then i've lost like 35lbs and i'm pretty underweight. it wasn't really bad until recently, probably a month or so ago was when i started restricting bad. i was at about 400 calories/day for a while, and now i'm usually somewhere around 700 or so. yesterday i had 950 and felt disgusting.

( oh yeah i'm not 'allowed' to count calories but i don't care )

i'm not sure why i am this way. three or four years ago, eating disorders were a completely fore…


you wouldn't believe how exhausting it is, spending all of your time trying to talk yourself down from that ledge. the only reason i even bother is because i have a guilt complex and don't want to make other people feel bad.

i'm so sad. plain and simple.

words float above my head like feathers or land on my chest like concrete. most of them float, so far away, they never hit home. you say you love me and it means nothing, the weight of it was lost a million "i love you"s ago.

the concrete words are few and far between, their reality stings. when you explained to me the seriousness of what i'm doing to myself, i felt it. i felt it and it scared me, it scared me to death..... but not enough to make me want to change.

shadows from december 07:

hi there, i'm chelsea and i'm stuck in my eating disorder.


last night as i was getting ready to go to bed i accidentally switched the light off while reaching for my chapstick, and i stood there in the dark for a minute and it reminded me of when i was younger, i used to turn the light off just to test my nerve and see how long i could stand it (( i was deathly afraid of the dark until i was like 10 don't laugh ))
and i would imagine that things were creeping and crawling around me and i couldn't see them, but i swore they were there ready to take me away under my bed and they'd either eat me or i'd turn into one of them and terrorize other little kids hmmmm
but no matter how scared i felt i always made myself stand there and take it, i guess when i think about it i've always liked testing my limits and hurting myself. also i used to run hot water over my hands to see how much i could take, i used to blister myself all the time......

yeah that's embarrassing so embarrassing i almost didn't post it but heyyyyyY it'…


it's hard to explain hopelessness but it's the most real thing in my life right now?

i'm trying so hard to hold out anyways ugh if i hurt myself i know it would tear my parents up inside andddddd i can't do that to such selfless people. it makes me sick to think of putting them through that

why must i have empathy! i'm like one big bubble of inner conflict....... how prototypical teenager.

do i disgust you too or is it just me????


i think i was meant to live on the pacific coast....... southern california or maybe southern oregon, but probably california. why am i stuck in this desert??????!

i see beauty in beachy hair still wet from the ocean, toes curling in the hot sand, glowing sunkissed skin, hipbones like daggers stabbing/slicing the air as people walk, boys with squinted smiles from the too-bright sun, air thick with the smell of salt from the ocean and food from boardwalk restaurants.

i've been alive for 6336 days


hey there's this one person who i admire a lot....... she's so selfless and genuine and vulnerable and i just want to scoop her up and save her from everybody who would ever take advantage of her. she's so open and it's so dangerous for her but she's... either fearless or hopelessly naive. either way, she's an incredible person and i've only known her a little over a month but god do i admire her.

my hair looks better when it's wet than when it's dry what a dilemma oooooooohhhhh i am so vain i cannot stand anything about myself anymore

if i could have only one thing in the world it would be the ability to organize my thoughts and feelings (mostly feelings) like easter eggs, and put them in a basket and just be able to grab them as i pleased and sort through them and describe them and feel them without them overpowering me. i mean, who ever heard of easter eggs taking over someone's life? exactly.

i'm out of words so here's a picture


hi pony, he tried to buck me off on thursday, it was really cute. yesterday we schooled 3'3" and he was perfect we're pretty much going to kick ass at the show at the end of the month whaaaaat

oh yeah i was a hazard to my health last night?? it's like i'm living on glass and holding a giant stone, all i have to do is drop it..... the stone is unbearably heavy most of the time i'm gonna need some help or it's gonna slip


fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it

i am indescribably upset and discontent fuck.
i might do something stupid


you know, it's true what they say... you really can't count on anybody for everything. inevitably they'll let you down even if they don't mean to or don't realize it

uuuugh today while my mom is at work my sister-in-law is coming over and we're going to clean the entire house and cook dinner and make dessert (stress city) because my mom is overworked and needs a break. SURPRISE MOM

last night i had a lesson and it was dark by 6:00........ jumping in the dark is a very interesting experience, lenardo was good but i think i'd rather ride during the day *thank you*


do you remember

e: the night before you left we drove around from 9pm-5am, stopping at random places to check them out. for a while you let me drive your car and you made a playlist ("on the go...... that could mean so many things") on my ipod and to this day i can't listen to any of those songs without my heart aching, not even the funny techno one with the chipmunk voice. i used to tell you everything and i would still if you were here. i don't think anything i could say would shock you..... i think if i could ever give myself away it would be to you but the distance is problematic. i miss you...... so much

m: we used to spend weeks at each other's houses without going home. one night we got frosty's, deemed ourselves albinos, threw socks and mozzarella sticks at my cieling fan (we broke one of the lights, remember?), and slept in my bathtub. you sort of know what's going on with me but i don't think you know to what extent, and that's not your fa…


talk about stressful. who woulda thought a family "get-together" could do that to me! man, thanksgiving/christmas are going to fucking kill me!

ummm the whole way home i cried really hard but i didn't make a sound so my parents couldn't hear me because i was in the back seat. i'm good at that, crying hard without making noise. you'd never know unless you looked at me!

i wasn't crying about the concert ok lol if that's what you're thinking it's not that easy to push me over the edge + i'll see them some other time........................ take me to warped tour this summer

GOOD MORNING WORLD do you like my forced optimism i'm really tired/hallucinating and stuff i have plans around 10:30 and i'm not excited i just can't say no and you looked so hopeful when you asked sooooo what was i supposed to do... (??)
maybe it'll turn out alright mmgumphh

065 :(

my two favorite bands in the entire world are playing tonight in tempe andddddd it's only $10 to get in with a friend but i have ** family plans ** um i'm sorry but dinner and early pumpkin carving just do not compare to live music at the marquee :(((((((((

sajfhdskafhnsadknfaldjf fuuuuck wah wah waaaaah i'm a complainer sorry


i will never compare

who was i trying to fool? i should have known i would come crawling back to my biggest demon, i'm powerless without it... i'm powerless with it but it's more bearable

i'm an emotional masochist.


having no inclination or spirit; characterized by unwillingingness to exert; having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless; indifferent: a listless mood; a listless handshake.


there is not a doubt in my mind that the world would be a happier place if everybody took a bath with this at least once a week:

that + a hot bath + the black chamomile body lotion that goes with it = euphoria

and also while we were at b&b works i couldn't resist buying this hehe it's so softtttt:


i think every day for the past week or so i have taken a nap and cried about something, pathetic whaaaat! but i don't care (much) this is harder than anything i ever could have imagined, i am not wasting my sleep or my tears ok

hey just because my ramblings are uninteresting i'll include photos i've taken from time to time... more often than before, if that helps at all?
we've been friends for 6 years and um i'm sad we don't really talk much anymore....... hi do you read this? i always wonder


the sky was on fire:

i want to be golden again.


double guh

yes i miss my childhood, yes


you know how in that one post i said i had times where every song sounded like the greatest thing ever composed bla bla etc? well yeah there's a complete opposite side of the spectrum

has a song ever almost made you throw up? some days i would have danced to it until my legs burned but tonight it made me feel sick(er)

i need a distraction
i need a hug


at the risk of sounding like a sad, overly-introverted emo wannabe poet, it's like somebody took a fire extinguisher to my heart and my mind. i'm in a haze and i'm stuck and i'll be stuck as long as this has a hold on my life


hmmm i feel bad for a lot of the people in my life i'm really not very interesting or anything

ALSO i've realized that lately i'm not interested in talking to/spending time with people in general, it's pretty bad. umm i'm wonderin how i'm gonna keep up with the school thing, there are too many stressors right now grr stress is bad it releases cortisol or **WHATEVER** it's called idc right now i'm not going to look it up..............

you gotta feel it yeaaaah you gotta feel it this song was playing today at the horse show and then it came on my ipod when i was driving home, then two more times later so it is the song of the day

wow talk about unorganized rambling i guess i haven't really said much lately i need to get some stuff out. things build and build and i can practically feel the steam coming out my ears and swirling around my head, i wonder if anyone sees it

i was at a horse show all weekend, lenardo and i did the jumpers HE WAS SO PERFECT i lov…


you know i think we all have demons but unfortunately not all of us can be heroes, we'll live with them forever

i'll give you a real update later, maybe




i'm hating the thoughts i'm having right now can't you go away won't you please.........

my brain is very distinctly divided into a logical side and an absolutely insane side. i do not mean a "romantic dreamer" side, i mean a self destructive, completely reckless side with absolutely not a care in the world for the effects this will have on me. and these two sides are constantly fighting and it's so exhausting to try and even it out and to listen to my logical side. it's what will save me but i can't hold onto it for long enough for it to do its job

i'm a giant collage of couldashouldawouldas and can'tdon'twon'ts.


omg new favorite website: yayayayah

YES david beckham did get my face tattooed on his very attractive abdomen:


i want to have my heart broken and have a friend who cares and we'll stay up all night and watch movies and talk and go outside at 3 in the morning and yell CHICKS BEFORE DICKS as loud as we can from their rooftop,
well i just want to have my heart broken

** dear stomach i promise i will do everything in my power to never eat an almond again, as long as i live **
my stomach still hasn't forgiven me apparently my pact isn't enough/sdlkfajdr9qjsaoljdfsa';

"oh this hurricane's blowing us thin
this neverending swirl of american sin
where i stray on my knees to a bottomless cave
where they throw dollar bills and hope to be saved"


my eyelashes are wet and it's cold when i blink

is it bad that i worry about what my friends say about me whenever i'm not there? that was rhetorical, i already know the answer

pssst most of the time i hang out with you guys just because i know you'll talk about me if i don't. i know because usually whenever we're together, whoever's not there is talked about.......
something along the lines of
"he/she's probably too busy with his/her other friends whatever he/she doesn't care about us anymore"

so spending time with my friends turns into a method of slander prevention instead of having a good time umm...........
yeah it's pathetic HELLOoooo i know what great friendships i have i cannot fucking wait for college

brighten, i love you


"it's mind numbing."

you said it like it was a bad thing


i need to let off a little steam it's alright if nobody reads this and if you do read any of it don't take it to heart, not that i'd expect you to

things i do not understand:

1. talking on the phone for no reason.
i think i'm missing that gene that makes people want to talk on the phone "just to talk" or whatever. like, if you're going to call me, have a reason other than to make aimless conversation because you're bored driving home from work. i'm really not that interested lol sorry!
and also i get really bored with/unmotivated to respond to messages/comments/notes/texts that are realllllllly long so i just don't respond. i'm impatient it's a flaw

2. romance movies.
i saw nights in rodanthe (laugh it up hahahAHAhahaHA) with my mom earlier becaaaaaause we were going to see burn after reading but we accidentally went to the wrong theater and it wasn't playing lol boooooo. so yeah anyways it's a classically sappy love story and pretty…


i can't sleeeeeep

i couldn't even look at you tonight, i had to turn away. that was hard for me to do. but it's because of a couple decisions you made today, i figured it would be best to just not see the results.

my dad has the living room tv up too loud no wonder i can't sleep there's somebody screaming. i think it's funny how on movies, a lot of the time when women scream you can't tell whether they're dying or having great sex unless you look.

yeahhhhhhhhh i should try to go to bed for real now i have to get up fucking early ugh i love my sport i love my sport i love my sport even if it requires saturdays to start at 5:45am....................................................


i actually hate not having school because it gives me the whole day to fixate on stuff uuugh
it's so funny my best friends think i'm an optimist whaaaaat!?

oh yeah hi i can't ever really look at you the same anymore.
i wish i could tell you what's going on ONLY SO you would listen to me instead of thinking you're right....... you don't know what you're talking about. you've never even ~researched~ it and you've only heard about it in little tangents in psychology classes and teenage dramas on tv. i'm living it ok thanks I WIN.

as of a couple hours ago i have about 20 packs of peppermint 5 gum, i'm set for at least a couple months! lovin' life oh yeah

i love my parents so much they're so supportive and it makes me feel bad. hey mom and pops sorry for being this way i didn't mean to i promise!


at this point it seems like perfection wouldn't be enough. nothing would be enough
but there's one thing that keeps me going and it's the only reason i want to get better right now......................................

if you could ignore the picture phone-like quality that would be much appreciated thank you


brrrrrRRRr i'm so cold! as soon as i got home from school i changed into warm pajama pants and put on a warm sweatshirt and i'm still freezing. school was miserable just because i was shivering the whole time

i never ever used to get this cold what's wrong with me!!!!! tell me and i'll love you forever

last night was really good. i made a lot of new friends and i talked about things i'd never really talked about before, it was so nice to get things off my chest. you always hear about how good that feels but i'd never really experienced it that much before, it was better than i expected. the weird thing is these were people i had never met before and all of a sudden i was like "oh hey here's my life story" which is normally something i keep totally *under wraps* and stuff like that

i'm feeling pretty good about this! except for the fact that i'm still cold ugh i might go sit outside for a little while it's warmer out there


goddddddddddddddd i feel like shit now this whole thing fucking sucks

i want to know what started it and if it will EVER go away. i feel guilty for being like this, my mom must be so sick of me stressing about it all the time. i'd feel bad for my dad too but he doesn't seem to understand how bad it is. it's probably better this way.

i want to tell somebody so bad but i can't do it


hey you made me blush the other day in class. that used to be really easy to do when i was a super awkward middle schooler but now not so much so good job! you really got me

i'm wearing a long sleeved shirt that always makes me like my hands. also i got my class ring in the mail the other day what! i love it, maybe someday i'll take a picture of it and post it. it makes my hands look nice i think.

i just got a text yay me my phone goes crrrrazy when it vibrates, it's really loud and not inconspicuous so i have to make sure it's on silent in class or it may as well be a ringtone set on full volume.

i'm going out in a little while yay i'm going to see a movie with friends yay and we're going to hang out yay i've been saying yay a lot today!

today was a good day, i woke up early (5:27, says my alarm) and rode. lenardo was pretty good and i rode with one of my really good friends. her horse is adorable haha anyways! then we went to lunch and i had a salmon burg…


i'm looking on the bright side, the view is fantastic and i feel great.

tomorrow's going to be nice, i have an early lesson (7:00 but i never mind waking up for that even on a saturday), then i'm going to audit a clinic at one of the nicest riding facilities in the state... mm yeah they have these $500,000+ moroccan chandeliers in the office, etc. i've been there once and i'm exciiiiited to go back.

one of my best friends turned 18 on wednesday so we're all going to a movie tomorrow night yay i haven't hung out with a lot of my friends nearly enough lately.

OH PS my computer crashed so i'm on my mom's laptop right now. somehow some of the things on my old computer were saved so they're being transferred to a different laptop, ohh technology


i just conquered a fear! my hands were shaking and i broke out in a cold sweat, you know the kind where it feels like a thousand little needles are stabbing you? and i had that buzzing in my ears like i was going to faint but i didn't.

BUUUUT lol of course i also did something else i said i wouldn't do oops, it's not a really bad thing but it isn't helping with the overall recovery thing? whatevs i'm taking small steps two steps forward one step back blah blah

it's going to suck if someday i find this when i'm in my 20's or something, everything's so vague that even i won't know what the f i was talking about.

but there's security in my ill-defined writings, it's one of my walls

dear supposed entity in the sky,
i want to find somebody who makes me want to get rid of my walls please
sincerely chelsea

i shouldn't blog when i'm this tired i'm not going to let myself delete this and i'll regret it OOOOOHWELL!


i could lose myself in other people's lives forever


heyyYYYy mom your bob marley cd is missing??

i'm reading a book called how to lose friends and alienate people. apparently they're making a movie out of it, if the book's any good i probably won't see the movie because they usually kill em!

oops i feel bad i was supposed to do the dishes but i can hear my dad doing them ugh i hate that lol....

yeah this was pointless i'm going to go watch my FAVORITE show, tonight's the season premier what!

dexter is my favorite serial killer


i'm gonna get better i am i am i am!

i like the idea of deism

over the summer i had to take this math class because of the *weirdness* of the scheduling at my old school. anyways i sat behind this very nice little asian man named sinclair and in front of a guy whose ego you could see a mile away.

every morning sinclair would be wearing a nice polo shirt and he would say hi to me, the class was early in the morning around 7 and he must be a real morning person, everybody else was yawning incessantly and had bags under their eyes myself included, but maybe it was because of the coffee. every morning he had a mcdonald's iced coffee with him and every day he would sit in his spot wearing his nice polo shirt and khakis.

umm the point of this is i really like consistency! i know i've already said that. but it's so true i figured i'd reiterate it?

i'm not saying i want things to be the same all the time but it's just comforting when i know what to expect.

and this is wh…


please don't rush me i'm so tired you can wait a day or two

i really don't like clingy people either, i'm sorry! i like space, i think that's pretty normal.

i took a bubble bath with lavendar soap and now my hands smell like candles, they've even got that slightly smokey smell to them which is weird and random.

nothing seems interesting anymore fuuuuuuuuhhhhh


awww max i miss you
it's weird for a long time i didn't let myself miss anybody or anything and i guess i'm still kind of there? i disconnect myself on purpose because it's easier, but then i hate the result.


i get in these moods where every song i listen to sounds like the most beautiful thing ever composed, and where everything i eat tastes like it was prepared by a gourmet chef in a fancy restaurant that i can't afford,

and i love iiiiiiit

today didn't go as bad as i had thought it would. it actually went really well. just goes to show that i psyche myself out over *STUPID* things

oh and um kudos to me for fixing my computer which had seemingly permanently crashed buuuut i fixed it around midnight last night what whaaaaat


tomorrow is doooooms dayyyy
i hate facing people after making it a point to make sure they know i don't need them! lol uuughh

my back hurts my neck hurts my stomach hurts

today i watched black snake moan holy fuck what a trip!


i just typed a lllooottt but it was pointless and rambling so i deleted it

i wish i could delete things i said out loud lol that would be nice sometimes. i think that's why i'd rather text or IM than talk on the phone, i can just backspace if i need to. talking on the phone you're like ~trapped~ or something

yeah i just deleted another paragraph go me i really shouldn't censor myself like that/this

i was so hungry today when i was sitting in the office (i have to sit there for 30mins after my last class because i need more credits or something and so i'm an "aide" although i did nothing today) and people kept walking by with food. there was pizza and rubio's and quiznos and chick-fil-a and a kid with a bag of cheetos! it was lunchtime and i was hungry because i hadn't eaten since breakfast. but then i got home and wasn't hungry anymore my body is so confusing sometimes!

but anywho i kind of like my little "aide" job or whatever i get to …


there is nothing here


i don't like being alone, it gives me too much time to dwell dwell dwell dwell on insignificant things. i end up manifesting problems because of too much time inside my own head!

i really like my hands today i know that sounds weird but i have this fixation with hands. not a fetish ok don't confuse the two! but seriously one of the first things i notice about a person is their hands. you can show me any set of hands (that i've seen before most obbbbviously) and chances are i'll be able to tell you who they belong to.

last night i went out with some of my friends, i hadn't (oops lol at first i typed handn't i guess i'm still stuck on hands) seen them in a while and it was really nice. i was in an awful mood before we hung out, i'm so so so glad you called me you have no idea. i don't know what i would've done last night otherwise! we had nice conversations and i love laughing

and i bought a shirt i really love while we were there. it's black and…



what am i missing?

i was in a daze all day at school today. i don't remember most of it, everything and everybody kind of seemed so far away? i was very inwardly focused.

but what you said in 4th period kind of stung, i remember that... i didn't know you were so overtly rude. if you were even remotely attractive i probably would've really taken it to heart lol!

that was mean but guess who's not sorry?


i feel happy and satisfied and content but at the same time so so so worried
i say it won't happen to me but LOL i'm pretty sure that's what everyone with this problem says isn't it???

my mom blamed herself for it the other day and i felt bad. i wanted to hug her and tell her no, it's not her fault but i couldn't because we were driving. and it's really not her fault either! i wouldn't have been lying.
so i told her it wasn't her fault but i didn't hug her. and i'm hoping she really believes me because it's the truth.

tomorrow is our school's first home football game and a "kickoff dance" and i think i'll go at least to the game.

and PS i'm not on drugs if that's what you think my *problemo* is okay i promise


"shut up dr. phil"
"that's not dr. phil that's barrack obama"
"oh..... same thing"
yeah my dad's pretty *** in touch *** with society and all!
sarah palin is on tv now and her hair is waaaaaaayyyyyyy too teased it looks silly, the beehive look died out a long time ago

so um i'm really shaky and my stomach hurts pretty bad, i was hallucinating on the way home from the barn LOL i'm having a good day yeah yeah yeah okay yeah i just had an apple and it's making my stomach feel worse ugh!

i've noticed recently that i really like adults more than i like kids my own age. adults have so much more to say and are so much better at saying it because they're not so worried about being judged. i think it's really cool honestly

my mom is going to make me go back to the same therapist as i was going to before SIGH i'm not happy with that but it'll be alright i'll try to be more open maybe it will help...


there's something i really love about wanting somebody but knowing i can't have them.
it's comforting and i don't know why but then at the same time it kind of uuuh sucks obviously!

i made a promise to myself today that i would try and limit my negative thoughts, and the ones that i allow myself to have, i'm going to have to think of something positive to make up for them
they say that perception is reality sooooo00 we'll see!

it's getting kind of awkward having my uncle around the house and i guess he's going to be here for another week uuuuugh it's weird because he totally like **barged in** and we had no idea and so now our plans are all asdjkajdjskhfudashasdasjjjjjfucked

but he's family even though we hadn't seen/heard from him in 6ish years so oh well

i'm verrrrrrry cold right now somebody text me


i know i need to change this because i know what could happen to me if i don't
but it's just so much easier to just leave things the way they are.

i don't have to do anything but sit back and let it control everything,
what could be easier?

i'm so tired!
i miss you


i keep wondering like, what the hell is this and why is it on my ipod.

last night my uncle ~randomly~ came in from belgium! he can't use "in the neighborhood" as an excuse, and we didn't know he was coming.
it was really random and i can tell my dad isn't all that thrilled to have his bruddah here, my uncle talks a lottttttt!

but LOL my dad's been acting like a really good father figure since he came in! it's really funny i think.
i mean he's not bad or anything but he doesn't do these things unless he's doing it to make himself look good. maybe that's not what it is and i'm misinterpreting it but whatever this is my blog dammit!

okay i feel bad i hope my dad never reads this because i don't want him to feel sad. i love him but it's hard to live with him sometimes.

but ummmM i had a pretty good day today actually

i need more gum already what the eff


i've been wasting time
wasting time wasting time all day to keep my mind off of something but i'm stuck on it.

i have a headache and i feel foggy and cold. i can't focus and i should work on my articles for newspaper but when i try i just get distracted.

i need to stop wanting and i want to stop needing,

please? from 6/25/08 when i was feeling inspired, it was sunset in my backyard so i took some pictures but then the sun went down and my camera turned everything into a ghost


the people i dislike the most are the people that are most like me

which i don't understand because for the most part i really actually like myself

anyways i'm very quiet today i just don't feel like talking. i think i'm still upset about something from yesterday, i know what it is but i don't want you to know yet.

my dad is annoying me. i'm sorry but i really don't want to talk at all, my mouth just doesn't feel like moving, and he's hassling me about going and playing raquetball and he's trying to find the solitaire application on his computer and blah blah blasdjkajdksh.

it bothers me because sometimes he comes home and is in an awful mood and he completely ***ignores*** me and my mom when we try to be nice to him, so we leave him alone. but then days like today he is just annoying as fuck LOL i'm sorry dad i'm a horrible daughter i shouldn't have said that but i don't feel like backspacing it okay

i'm not sure what to expect f…


my mom is worried about me and she says i look "drawn" whatever she means by that.....

i don't know it could be lack of sleep or it could be something else

i don't want her to worry, i really don't. she doesn't deserve that she's an amazing person honestly. i feel awful for putting her through the things i've put her through!

do you have enough clues by now?


i always always always go into these things thinking i don't care

to a lot of people (maybe even to you, whoever you are):
you are a better person than you give yourself credit for
and it's okay to believe that you're good and worth the best because you are


when you find a song that you can turn up and it actually enters you, well do you know what that feels like? it doesn't happen to me often but when it does it's usually kind of a surprising song. i mean it's a song i wouldn't expect to make me feel this way.

and i can't really control my words and i hate it when i let myself do this. my thoughts and my words and my feelings, i should be able to control them.
but it always comes back to control and i have dreams where i'm in a car and it's just driving in circles and i can't stop it. the brakes don't work and i can't steer.
i think those dreams are about control or lack thereof and i have them a lot but it's been less lately


my dad wanted me to take this personality test online the other day and he wanted to see my results. the test asked a question and you had to answer with a picture, well i don't know how to explain it so here. anyways i took it and it wouldn't show me …


"hold your own damn pants up."

i have nothing else to say!
i'm sorry i'll think of something better and i'll be back sooner than you want me to be


it's times like these that i understand why people confuse wanting somebody with "needing" somebody

obviously we don't "need" that *certain person* to survive (in the most literal sense) but sometimes it sure can feel like it and i reaaaallllllly hate it

i tried explaining to my mom today why i hated going to therapy and she did the same thing my therapist used to do, i wound up feeling stupid again so i told her i didn't want to talk about it anymore which was a lie,
really what i don't want anymore is for people to tell me my feelings are wrong when i actually try to open up
it's not easy for me to do in the first place and it gets even harder when i feel like i have a reason to keep my mouth shut.

from august of 2007:


to ~whom it may concern~:
lol! i read your whoooole blog and now i totally see where you were coming from but i want you to know i honestly had no clue. but you're a veryyy great writer you intrigue me a lot!!

so i just got back from the barn anddd i am very sore. but while i was out there i was thinking about why i feel so uncomfortable talking about myself to certain people and i think it's because i'm worried about being judged blah blah blah typical teenage angst and i'm way too worried about what people are thinking. but you know what it's really none of my business what you think of me!

anyways that got me thinking about therapy and ok yeah i've been to a therapist please don't be surprised but whenever i talked to her, her responses made me feel like i was wrong or stupid or something because if i expressed my feelings on a *certain subject* (which i am not ready to share with anybody ATM) she would be like

"now does that make SENSE?"

and my obv…


ok so people are always asking the famous question "is it better to have loved and lost or never loved at all" and every time i hear it i have a different answer? it's not that i completely change my mind all the time i'm not *that* fickle

but every time i think of it a different way and i don't know why, my own brain's favorite pasttime must be trying to make me rip my hair out. you don't know, maybe it just wants to be closer to the sun?????


at first my default answer was "it's better to have loved and lost" but the more i think about it and feel these things, the more i want to change my mind

and i wish i didn't because i wish i was just one of those beautifully vulnerable open people, they amaze me, the way they trust people. some people call it stupid but i think it takes a really strong person to do that honestly

and that makes me wonder if i'm weak because i'm so weary of people and of trusting them. and then when i *t…


i'm so tired but i know i won't be able to sleep tonight

i have my red sofees and your old football shirt and i think you should know that you're the reason i know what speechless feels like.

and i thought this was supposed to go away but obviously the people who said that never met you.


jeeeeeeesus i hate it how one day you're my best friend and the next you're so incredibly indifferent! i don't know what to do about it though because i think it's just your personality so i'll let it go and try not to get more attached or anything

and as for you... i can still hear your laugh and see your dimples and the sparkle in your eye and it drives me absolutely crazy


ok i have something to say!

i'm not very fond of people who try really hard to make it look like they have a social life. like, either you do or you don't and you don't need to wave it in everyone's face when you have like LOL ONE LATE-NIGHT OUTING

anyways i'm sorry for that because that goes to a "close friend" of mine but i doubt she reads this so it's ok

earlier i had nothing to do and my mom said "if you're bored you could vacuum the house" and lol i was so bored i did it....... sundays are the worst

then i went and watched the hills ok yes i watch that show sometimes, you wouldn't think watching a bunch of people do ~*NOTHING*~ would be so entertaining but i'm easily amused?

and britney spears is opening for the VMAs in a couple hours, which i don't entirely understand but good for you girlfriend it's not easy to revive a reputation as DEAD as that one....

i'm going to make tuna wraps for the fam bye


i feel like i have so much to offer and all i'm missing is the chance to offer it


yes i HAVE changed a lot in recent times and no i WON'T apologize for it because one of the changes i've made is that i'm not afraid of showing you who i am, for the most part

i feel like a completely different person and this all changed in literally a couple of weeks, which doesn't happen, so i guess it was a gradual change but lately it's just been more pronounced and bla bla bla

tomorrow i have to go get my **senior pictures** taken which i guess is a big deal because they gave out fliers that said they are MANDATORY if you want to be in the yearbook. so i have to find something to wear because i mean these pictures will haunt me forever and ever! but yeah anyways that's just one of the perks of being a senior i guess
and there are perks like the half day and just ask the status tassel hanging off the rearview mirror of my car, it's purple and white (school spirit ra ra ra) and has a blinged out 09 dropdown charm
they also gave us these license plate frames…


i love consistent people, it's really hard for me when i never know what to expect from somebody... it tends to make me feel like i'm doing something wrong

ummmMMm i had something to say i really did

i remember freshman year i was so angsty oh boy was i angsty... i mean i was generally alright with life and it was a pretty good year, but one of my best friends at the time decided to get into drugs and we used to talk on the phone every night and he told me he loved me and i told him i loved him and at the time it was just friendly? and sure i had feelings for him for a while and i found out he felt the same but we never got past friendship because he loved to get hIIIgh and he never seemed like a real person when he was

and i gave him my ps2 lol i miss it so much now (yes i am a loser) but apparently he sold it to satisfy a "need"

i feel more connected to life now than i ever have before, it's really nice to be able to feel things again. i missed out on a lot and nob…


reason number 2390898 why i'm glad i switched schools:
my mom now teaches at my old school

this doesn't mean that i don't like my mother or am embarrassed of her because it's not that but at a school with less than 300 students it would be kind of awkward and yes i do care about those things okay
but hey some days after i'm done with my classes i'll probably go back there and help her out with her classes and stuff just to see the people i left beeeeehiiiiiinddd

i kind of realize that i don't write very well in this thing, but that's okay because most of the time i'm so concerned about how well i write and it's so nice to just not care....

okay so i kinda lied before when i said i would only update with interesting things but i get addicted to these. i think i have an addictive personality WHICH REMINDS ME i am out of 5 gum sob cry

today i hung out with somebody who i haven't seen in forever, we've been friends for 6 (??) years and it's ho…

007 (stealth)

i pretty much hate to admit it buuut i'd really like to be friends with you again but i guess that's not gonna happen
i'd just like to know why?
i'm starting to finally see the good in people again instead of the bad


remember the day when we started this
and you made the shape of my heart with your hands
tell me that you love me and it'll be alright
are you thinking of me, just come with me tonight
you know i need you just like you need me
can't stop, won't stop, i must be dreaming

it pretty much makes me sick how much i love this band

so hi i didn't really get to sleep last night because i'm sick and i woke up and started ~coughing my lungs out~ and it was not pleasant and now my chest and my throat hurt pretty bad

but i'm happy regardless

oh you know what sucks is when you realize that somebody went out of their way (i.e taking the longgg way to class and being late) just to avoid you lol
especially when you didn't do anything to them really? and if you did you went out of your way to apologize

i don't know i think i'm a little bit more likeable than that? i like to think so anyways


okaaaaayYYYYyyy here's a confession

i'm terrified of being vulnerable and that makes it really hard to get close to anyone


i just realized that the last post i made yesterday kind of makes me seem miserable?

which i'm really not, i really have been especially happy lately. and i'm grateful for so many things and so many people, i don't know what i'd do without them honestly

but right now i'm drinking airborne and it is really gross but it's better than getting a cold!

nothing of importance has happened in the last 24hrs and i probably shouldn't update this twice a day because it will get boring... i'll try to only update with interesting things i promise.


...but i don't know for sure


my mom is watching a movie with mark wahlberg in it. i always liked him, except he's really too good at playing creepy stalker boyfriends (Fear) but in this one he's just a druggie.

i feel like i have so much to say but no words? it's hard to explain but the way i feel is like... you could compare it to a certain taste. you know what an apple tastes like but if somebody's never had an apple how do you tell them what it's like???

i feel guilty whenever i am sad because i know my life isn't bad compared to most, so i smile all day because then i won't feel guilty.

except for today because today i literally sat on my ass!! all day! in front of the computer! lame! and well in front of the tv too but what's the difference. and i played cards for a while on my green fuzzy carpet in my room and i watched a little of that movie dan in real life. and it was so *depressing* in parts but then it also made me happy...

i like songs that make me cry but i love songs that…


i never ever ever can figure out how to make these things look exactly the way i want them to.......

i made a decision last friday and it is one i'm very very happy with, for once. but i chew gum all day long and supposedly that causes ulcers because when you chew that much it makes your stomach go "omg i should be digesting" so it produces stomach acids for no reason so sorry, body, sorry

the reason i love reading is because sometimes i find these books where the author is able to articulate something i feel but can't put into words and it makes me feel like maybe i'm alright