Nov 19, 2008

083

i'm drowning, but i don't care
because when you got what i got
who needs air?
i have come to the realization
that this life is more than what i have accomplished
and life is more than the realization
that we have accomplished nothing at all
true success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics
of your life and give up the air that you breathe
you don't need anything, you don't need anything.


i'm not sure what's going to happen to me. hey, if i disappear for a month, i'm in the hospital. i'm done forcing things, i'm done trying to avoid the inevitable, at least that's what i'm telling myself for now.

i have this weird relationship with pain and hunger. if i close my eyes and focus, i can still feel it but all of a sudden it's miles away and it's nice, realllllly nice, instead of biting or unbearable or agonizing. it's so much better than not feeling anything, so much better



remember my first or second post, when i said the reason i loved reading was because sometimes an author could articulate something i feel but can't express?

what i couldn't put into words:

"While I craved attention, I was terrified of letting someone else into my imperfect, hateful world. It was me, and only me, who could control my cravings; denying myself food was proof that I was stronger, better than most people. But I was lonely for touch. Still, my own stiff regimen of stripping myself to the core and forcing myself to turn away from those curious eyes made me feel proud, if alienated; I was trading my new-found power of flesh for something more trustworthy, something pure.
Naturally skinny, but not dangerously so, I trod the line between waif and child as I grew into a woman. And hunger became my salvation; after a while, hunger, my sexless, undemanding suitor, was my only constant friend."
from Skinny by Ibi Kaslik