Oct 29, 2009

212 walking crooked down the beach

she spits in the sand where their bones are bleaching

i'm frrrrreezing, wearing a hoodie and one of my favorite pairs of old washed out slumped over nearly shredded jeans and my legs are crossed and my feet are tucked in underneath them to keep them warm but still i'm so cold, my fingers are freezing like little icicles


sometimes i'm walking and i realize something and it's like a slap in the face or someone dropped something on my head from a second story window. today i realized how endless and pointless and destructive my habit of comparing myself to other people is, i tend to think that because somebody else is beautiful there's no way i am too. like there can only be one beautiful person in the world at any given moment and since it's obviously her, i must be nothing. i don't know, i don't really have anything to say could you tell




i'm going to tucson for another show over the weekend, i'm excited but i can't really get myself up to pack because i'm afraid to go in the kitchen, fuck meeeeee how stupid is this

Oct 25, 2009

211

it's tangible, a dampened down version of the love we see in the movies, it's in my head not my heart. i think if i could just learn to take a dive and live through my heart and stop trying to see, we could have something great. i don't want to be the person who breaks your heart, but i can't seem to give you mine

Oct 21, 2009

210 blurred the lines of lust and love

i suppose you learn to live with these things but for right now i feel sick

Oct 20, 2009

209 sidewalk crouches at her feet

time escapes, slides through cracks in the windows and out into the air and it's gone. you can't patch up the windows and you can't catch it when it floats away, chances are you don't even try. but there's always more waiting there to be found, to be used up, whether it's noticed or it's not. there's always more until it's gone. what do you do when you run out of time?

Oct 14, 2009

208 of nightmares and sleeping pills

driving home alone last night i was so tired that i started to regret the best thing that's ever happened to me. i made myself shut it out, parked the car, left the lights on, pressed my head on the steering wheel that disappears in my dreams, turned the lights off just as i was about to fall asleep. walked inside, took a sleeping pill, slept for almost 10 hours.

i dreamed i was on a raft with two other people, i knew them but now i can't remember who they were. we jumped into the river, somehow we were starving, and we swam to the other side. went into a huge house where two young girls and their older sister were living. their parents were out of town until the next day, they said we could stay. we stayed and had toast and i took a shower and i remember the color of the shampoo. flash to: two nearly dead figures lying in the woods, bones so sharp they're sticking through the skin, and i somehow know this is supposed to be me.


sometimes i fucking hate the dreams i have when i take seroquel

Oct 12, 2009

207 i like what you say

last night i fell in love, out of love, in love again, my heart is a mess my mind is a mess i don't know what's going on. sometimes when i haven't slept i blink and the world runs out from underneath my feet and i'm falling but there's nowhere to land so i just keep going
regrets empty mind fog can't focus should start driving not ready still too young just up there i'll wait forever if i don't do something about this

Oct 10, 2009

206 i have so many things to say

god, i feel like my heart and my brain are just bursting with words and thoughts and colors and sounds, i have missed writing i have missed having a place to empty myself out and i need to stop caring what everyone thinks about this because it is mine and this is my mind and i have nobody to impress

i feel selfish but i've been told i'm selfless to a fault. i feel mediocre but people think i'm above and beyond. i hate the way i write but some people love to read my words. i don't feel funny but i make people laugh. i rarely feel beautiful but you say i am and sometimes i believe you. it amazes me that anyone can find anything in me worth being awe stricken over, it amazes me that i am apparently so blind that i can't see myself in the right light, but i suppose this isn't anything unusual.



it's kind of like looking in the mirror and saying, this is it. this is who i am and maybe i need to say, fuck what i think i see. have a little faith in people, maybe they're right. maybe that freckle you hate isn't overwhelmingly important because maybe when people look at you they see the way the light hits your cheek, the colored flecks in your eyes and the way even when your lips are chapped they're the perfect shade of rose and your hair is like honey curls.

the people you're comparing yourself to, they have insecurities, too, you know. "bemoaning the fact that you don't measure up to some bikini model is a self-destructive waste of time," i read in a magazine while i was at mirasol. i smiled at that. i put it on the collage i made for the woman i credit with holding my hand and dragging me, kicking and screaming, out of the black hole that was threatening to consume my life. she laughed at the way i read it to her, and god i loved that day. you know what, i loved those three months. december 15th, it will have been a year since my admission. my heart is still in tucson, it will always be in tucson. thank you

Oct 6, 2009

205 i rock too fast for love

whether or not this is "it," love or magic like waking up in your arms and like sunny wordless afternoons, i don't care what it is right now, i don't want you to leave, i don't want you to leave i don't want you to leave

i didn't even know until you said the word military, i didn't know what it would do to me. i was surprised at the way my heart dropped, and the way my voice sounded when i spoke, and the way my eyes were suddenly hot and the road was a little blurry.



i'll never tell you what to do. i can only do what i can. i'm learning that i can't control anybody but myself and that's okay, it's just that i don't like sleeping alone since you

Oct 2, 2009

204 wanna have control

i don't know what to call this but i know what not to call this



what in the hell do you see in me?