Mar 29, 2009

121 life is more than what i have accomplished

there are only a couple of things i feel like i'm missing right now, i hope i don't float around waiting for them forever

having hope makes life so scary. it's weird, the more good you have in life the more you have to lose. if you have nothing, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. which do you think is better?

hey i don't want anyone to think i'm perfect anymore. i'm telling you flat out, i'm not as great and confident as i pretend to be sometimes. i get nervous and shy and shaky and feel awkward, i blush easily. there are days when i look in the mirror and wonder why i can't look like someone else. i have issues (obviously) and it still takes almost everything i've got to accept myself. i worry a lot about things that really don't matter.

i have good qualities, everyone does. i like to think i'm caring and empathetic and fun to be around, but that doesn't mean there aren't times when i don't give a shit about anything and i'd rather sleep all day.

i'm coming to terms with being imperfect and quirky and odd, and i really want to like myself.

Mar 28, 2009

120 cut off my tongue for just a taste

i'm feeling overcome with the insatiable desire for manflesh right now. this is going to be one of the most embarrassing posts of my life but by god it needs to be done
i love "pretty boys." i love guys who play sports and work out and eat ridiculously huge amounts of food and don't care. i love tall boys, but not the stringbean type. i love muscles and guys who smell good. i love when guys mess with their friends. i love when they laugh and have dimples. i REALLY love when they're facing the sun and they look at you and give you that really squinty smile. i love when they act tough even when they're scared.

iiiiiii have a little (huge) crush on sean faris






oh yeah i forgot to mention i also think it's really attractive when guys have battle scars heh

i know it's just stage makeup but don't ruin the dream for me
this is SO embarrassing but i just finished reading this book and the entire time i was picturing him as the main character and if he had fallen in love with a female character (who didn't turn out to be a crazy bitch) i would have pictured her as me
phew glad i got that off my chest bye i should go do something to take my mind off of the fact that i feel really stupid now

Mar 26, 2009

119 a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs

want to know what i think of my current situation?

interpret at will

hey guess how i'm feeling today i better knock this off or i'm going to become boring and (gag) predictable!

aaaaaanyway today has been pretty good. i rode this morning and it went really well, tomorrow i'm hauling up to a show to jump a little and one of my friends is bringing her little sister to watch. i'm going to start giving her sister lessons twice a week for $25/lesson so at least i'll be making a litttttle money because i'm a bum.

WOW could this be any more typical "blog" post or what. so much for trying not to be boring

that reminds me, i need to stop trying so hard. not in things like school or whatever blablablha but things like trying to get people to like me. i've noticed that the people who like me the most are the people who i never tried to impress. i end up making an idiot out of myself whenever i try to impress someone and i make it impossible for me to get close to them.


i have decided to never stop believing that i can relate to complete strangers. it makes me feel closer to everything, i feel so much less lonely.

Mar 25, 2009

118

i fucking knew it



why do i even bother with feeling good ugh

Mar 24, 2009

117 i just wanna be okay, i just wanna feel today

i am so black and white! it's a little (extremely) ridiculous. my throat is raw and sore, the past couple of days were full of desperation and regret. today i came to several realizations and i am, once again, on the other end of the spectrum. i'm afraid though, because usually these feelings leave me empty and choking on tears and wondering why i do everything (anything). i'm practically begging my feelings to stay. i wish they could hear me








i love you so much i can't believe it sometimes. my stomach feels like a balloon and it's floating up my throat and my heart flutters and your eyes are the softest, kindest things i've ever seen. i'm dizzy and i'm inspired and terrified at the same time.






tomorrow will be busy for me and that makes me scared. i worry worry worry when i feel like i have expectations to live up to (which is all the time.) it's really exhausting, i'm afraid of how it's going to affect me. please, feelings, please don't leave tomorrow or the next day or the next.





i'm trying to love myself but it hurts.


i hope you are happy and i hope you are safe, and i hope you love people and feel loved by them.

Mar 23, 2009

116 you're lookin skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black

i want to write something worthwhile or be someone worth loving

Mar 22, 2009

115

i just...... don't know what to do with myself

six words just shattered me. "You can get it back together." before that, i was composed. i didn't feel alright but i looked like i did, i'm damn good at saying everything's fine. my vibe is one of cool collectedness, mature and all the more wise for having gone through this. but inside i'm secretly wondering when i can crawl back to my bad habits and fuck things up again. i have a fresh wound on my arm and if somebody asks i'll say it was from playing too rough with my dog, then promise myself to do it somewhere less noticeable next time.



"You can get it back together." somebody believes in me and i hate myself for potentially letting them down. i hate myself for the pain i'm causing my parents. i hate myself for not knowing what i want or what i need or what i like vs. what i've convinced myself i like. i THINK i like pain, i keep coming back to it and i like it while i'm in it, but is that something i've conditioned myself to need? i hate myself for not being who i wanted to be. i hate myself for continuing in this downward spiral, but as long as i continue to hate myself it will be impossible to come out of.

i don't understand i don't understand i don't understand

why me? i'm not saying that in a whiny or self-piteous way, i just want to know... why? i just want some answers. i wouldn't wish this on anyone else, but why did it happen to me? did it happen to me or did i create this?



besides answers, all i want is some hope. it's so fleeting. it always goes as fast as it comes, and once it's gone it's replaced with hopelessness and dread and depression and tears. i find myself asking, why? why live? why wake up tomorrow and spend time with people?







somebody tell me this is going to end.

Mar 19, 2009

114

i'm going to look back on this time in my life as a lost year. i've been extraordinarily self-absorbed, not in the narcissistic way but just too inwardly focused and oblivious to everything going on outside my head. life has really been passing me by

i'm going to remember this year as one of being pale and cold, wearing oversized hoodies and shivering, basing my self-worth on how much i starved, comforting myself with self-hatred and spider solitaire, staying up all night and sleeping all day. staring at myself in the mirror with eyes full of tears, avoiding my friends and social situations, and that hopeless feeling after i ate too much, followed by the realization that i could make it okay by starving the next day (or week). buying new belts because my old ones were too big and nursing blisters brought on by overexercising. for months i had a bruise on my lower back from endless crunches, and i loved it.

i think one of these nights i'm going to go out and find a quiet place to just sit and think and try to stop the thoughts racing around in my head. they're relentless sometimes and i can't figure out why i still want to be so sick.





i just want to be told what to do, that's all

113

i cut my bangs earlier, they were bugging the shit out of me. i paid $60 to get it cut at a place j was OBSESSED with, and it turned out looking like i went to supercuts. thanks a lot. the girl who cut my hair was really nice though and we talked and she was a dancer. she was skinny and had nice curly red hair, but not ginger-kid red hair, just nice red. i said nice three times in this paragraph (four)
NOTHING I SAY IS INTERESTING WHY DO YOU READ THIS why do i write this blllllllah


hey maybe you don't read it maybe you only come to look at pictures i'm okay with that



i have to get up at 7:00am :(((
i just downloaded a ton of songs and only like 4 of them are good
wah wah wah i could go on because i'm a whiny freak goodnight

Mar 15, 2009

112

GOD doesn't it suck when you hate somebody but it would be really awkward to tell them how you feel about them (for various reasons)

especially when most of their pictures on myspace are of either a) their ass b) their boobs or c) them with drag makeup making a kissy face showing a considerable amount of cleavage

and it would be SO easy to just comment every one with "SLUT" "WHORE" "TRASH" but you can't because your moms are (almost) best friends and you have to spend 2 solid weeks with her over the summer in california. fuck my life. and i mean it enough that i am not going to abbreviate it "fml" COYG (come on you guys) see doesn't that look silly, do we really need an acronym for everything????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? exaggerations are sometimes necessary







list of facts:

1) my parents went to bed at like 8:30

2) one of my mom's rotten 9th grade students stole her iPod so she gave me her iPod stereo. i've been playing a playlist which is probably 50% blink 182 (i will always love them) for over 16 hours

3) my face has been *really* red and burning all day

4) i have a really "fuck it all" attitude right now; this is the same attitude that gets me in an endless cycle of dangerous behaviors



I'M SORRY:
mom dad jeremy april (and basically all of my family)
antonietta vicki katharine (and basically everybody else at mirasol)
heather morgan bethany (and basically all of my friends)


basically...
i'm sorry to a lot of people for a lot of things



PS STOP CALLING ME I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU

111

i don't know who i am today.

hmmmmm an extremely talented therapist/psychologist told me i am ridiculously hard to figure out and i was overcome with pride

did i already talk about my fly killings waaaaaaait yes i did


umm okay i'm going to drive my mom up to walmart because she needs cole slaw for the dinner **i will be making** tonight but i'm not done typing........




phew okay i'm back and i have more proof that i'm a bad person
there's this one kid who's had a crush on me since 9th grade and i have 0 interest in him whatsoever but last night when i was talking to him i led him on with cutesy things like "night night" and pretended like i wasn't totally turned off by him. the awful thing is that if i were physically attracted to him i would be stoked that he liked me, but as is it's just a game for me.



also i'm listening to lily allen
"i'm not a saint but i'm not a sinner
but everything's cool as long as i'm getting thinner"

smite me please god

110

my stomach is growling, hunger is still my best friend. i didn't change as much as i told you i did. i still have intense mood swings and the best way to distract myself is to lose myself in old (bad) habits.



well i can catch flies in my hands while they're flying, it's one of my strange talents and i killed one the other night in a rather cruel fashion. the whole time i was wondering what it was thinking (or feeling because i don't suppose insects think).


am i an awful person? i'm leaning towards yes. i won't enable comments because i don't want to know what you really think of me

but actually what i'm more scared of is that nobody thinks anything of me at all.

Mar 14, 2009

109

UGH


i need to go to bed so i won't do something stupid
i don't want to be home anymore, i don't want to be home anymore, i don't want to be home anymore


My beloved monster and me
We go everywhere together
Wearing a raincoat that has four sleeves
Gets us through all kinds of weather

She will always be the only thing
That comes between me and the awful sting
That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean


but hey since i've been back a couple of good things have happened (you don't understand how hard it is for me to admit that)

uuum before i type more i have to go take something to knock me out or i'll be up all night ruining my life okay bye maybe i'll be back tomorrow

Mar 11, 2009

108

it's been almost three months since i left home,






i can't believe how much i've changed. i would try to explain it but it's this strange and foreign sensation and i'm afraid the only way to know it is to feel it. i feel bad for anyone who never has felt it, i'd like to share it with the entire world.

i'm utterly terrified that i'll wake up tomorrow morning and this will all have been a dream