Dec 14, 2008

106

for some reason i feel like society is using subliminal messaging to make me feel guilty for being a cynic
what's wrong with pessimism aside from the fact that it can be terribly boring and somewhat tiresome, which feeds into my endless cycle of guilt blahblablha what the fuck am i even saying ooooomg


had to do an intake interview with mirasol (inpatient) over the phone today and it was awkward telling a complete stranger things that i haven't even told some of my friends, i don't care you don't care that's ok





yyyyyyeah i hate things right now


I BLAME EVERYTHING ON PANDA FUCKING EXPRESS AND COLD FUCKING STONE

105

hahaHHAHahahHAHAH

priceless, i laughed anyways

um yeah i'm going to hang out with some friends in a little while i'm actually pretty excited. i'm leaving around 11:30am tomorrow for tucson, not so excited about that.

i don't have anything sharp or funny or witty or charming to say today, everything just is what it is



by the way last night i ruined everything

Dec 13, 2008

104


my lil munster :)
i feel like edward norton in that movie 25th hour. i leave monday for inpatient in tucson, i'll be there for probably 60 days. i have today and tomorrow to try and relax and hang out with my friends (who have, btw, been the most incredibly supportive people in the world pardon my cheesiness) and family.

patio party tonight and desert ridge in the morning i'll try to enjoy thisssss

i couldn't decide which picture i liked better these are from december 07

Dec 11, 2008

103

always:

the highest highs bring the lowest lows.



there is always a price to pay and that is the way it will always be, it's inevitable

102

something about right now feels really good.


i've been far but it's never been serious
take your time, take your time to arrive
we move slow down the roads with the lights out
you whisper soft, "if we're lost don't turn around"
we'll take our time, take our time to arrive
where we are, there are no ceilings where we are
i could be anywhere as long as i'm with you


maybe i'm a good person, maybe i'll listen to this song forever

Dec 10, 2008

101

dalmations

i edited this post like 6 times here's the final product





my nephewwwwww ain't he cute he's gonna be a heartbreaker




i had a charmed childhood, i realllllllly really did. my parents provided for me and then some. i was this bubbly outgoing little bundle of boundless energy and i could talk my way out of almost anything. i have pictures of me standing in front of the giant whale at disney land, gap-toothed smile and all. i remember i had a dentist who used to call me "sunny bunny" and once i bit her because i thought it would be funny (it wasn't even a little bit funny to her). but you remember the laughing gas stuff they would give you??? yeah i used to babble incessantly when they gave me that stuff, i would flail my leg over the side of the chair, heave a giant child-like sigh, and contentedly giggle and chatter and make everyone laugh

i remember being carefree like that until...... i'm gonna say 7th grade. in middle school i pretty much hit a wall, i went from being the outspoken class clown to being this silent and nearly invisible shy kid, i literally didn't speak unless i HAD to, i blushed whenever people talked to me, i don't know what happened??? middle school sucks for a lot of people though i guess i'm not special in that sense





so the theme todaaaay is childhood/transformation
what took me from being the little innocent freckle-faced wild child to the sleepless, self-starved, unbearably *woeful* me of today?



i know i can't blame anyone else but i've been told not to blame myself, i don't know what to doooooOOOo :S

















yuck i shouldn't blog when i haven't slept i'm going to bed i'm crossin my fingers that my meds will work tonight (this morning HEH?) ***CROSSIES*** ew i'm a dooork

Dec 9, 2008

** 100 **

in 100 annoying blog posts, i have gone through some phases

1) the "i love myself in the most healthy non-narcissistic way possible" phase (see earliest posts)
2) the "well, i'm going through a rough time but i still like myself" phase
3) the "i am my own worst enemy/i have a secret but i cannot tell you" phase
4) the self-loathing phase (pre-secret unveiling)
5) the overly dramatic secret revealing phase
6) the "well phew i got that off my chest now i'm going to blog excessively and obsessively about it to compensate for all my self-censorship WOO"

and now whatever the fuckkkkkkk this is
i tried to find a place to include the whiny phase but since that's pretty much THE ENTIRE THING... we'll just say each phase has its own whiny undertone



i love the hoodie i'm wearing finally something with sleeves long enough for my monkey arms *i am a giraffe* um i haven't eaten since sunday night lol byeeeee

Dec 7, 2008

099

goodbye to sleep,
i think this staying up is exactly what i need
take apart your head
take apart the counting and the flock it has bred

take me, take me back to your bed
i love you so much that it hurts my head
i don't mind you under my skin,
i'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in


feel like i'm gonna throw up here's a picture from freshman year:
lunch used to be really entertaining, when he wasn't jumping off walls this kid was generally causing a riot, one of my best friends but he disappeared byeeee :(
starting now i'm going to live like i've kept all my secrets, this is dangerous for me but i need to be let go

Dec 5, 2008

098

this morning i found out that if i lose any more weight i won't be able to get into inpatient, i'll have to be hospitalized (and tube fed yelchh)instead until i'm stable
but i don't care because i'm alive right now, last night when i was grimacing and blacking out and shaking uncontrollably from pain on the way to the ER i was dubious about the whole surviving thing you know? eating disorders are such a fucking bitch

Dec 4, 2008

097

i've been jumping from the tops of buildings, for the thrill of the fall
ignoring sound advice and any thought of consequence
my bones are shattered,
my pride is shattered
and in the midst of this self-inflicted pain
i can see my beautiful rescue




1/13/08, i knew everything i needed to know in that moment:




i'm done apologizing for being lucky,
but i hesitate to call anything a breakthrough because i tend to take one step forward and three giant leaps backward

Dec 3, 2008

095

i don't care what i said before, i fucking love my friends.

094

i haven't slept, don't feel like i'll ever need to again




old, doesn't really require explanation



my world feels like it's on fire right now, like the crackling and the bends and curves of the flames, and the world is moving out from under me in waves. if i stand i might faint

i watched sling blade with my dad earlier and now i want to be one of the main characters, carl loved his french fried taters with mustard and what a wonderful movie, not violent either even though it sounds like it would be. there was some serious *best friendship* in that movie, the purest kind i've seen, i can only hope it exists beyond hollywood and that someday i'll get better and i'll find it, or it'll find me

Dec 1, 2008

093

the only way for me to get through a meal is to distract myself with derailed thoughts, masochistic fantasies of suicide and pain, the only things i feel deserving of anymore. bite, if this meal puts me over the edge i can end everything. bite, i don’t have to stay on this earth. bite, it’s my choice, it’s up to me whether i live or die. bite, nobody can keep me here against my will. bite, chew, i deserve all the pain i put myself through. swallow.

i need my eating disorder, don't want to get better and lose it. it's like a stronger person inside me, it makes all the tough decisions, calls all the shots. i can accept its harsh criticisms and impossible demands because they're all true and i don't deserve anything better. it's not all bad, my eating disorder, it treats me badly but is capable of loving me, when my stomach is empty and my head throbs upon standing and i begin to black out. these are the times when my eating disorder is kind, when i stand in the mirror and see my ribs and my hipbones, the compliments mean something because they are so hard to earn. they don't wash away like the compliments of somebody who just wants to make a friend. the only acceptance i want is the acceptance i have to suffer in order to attain.




i have a pulse but i'm not alive