Oct 31, 2008

068

you know, it's true what they say... you really can't count on anybody for everything. inevitably they'll let you down even if they don't mean to or don't realize it


uuuugh today while my mom is at work my sister-in-law is coming over and we're going to clean the entire house and cook dinner and make dessert (stress city) because my mom is overworked and needs a break. SURPRISE MOM


last night i had a lesson and it was dark by 6:00........ jumping in the dark is a very interesting experience, lenardo was good but i think i'd rather ride during the day *thank you*

Oct 30, 2008

067

do you remember


e: the night before you left we drove around from 9pm-5am, stopping at random places to check them out. for a while you let me drive your car and you made a playlist ("on the go...... that could mean so many things") on my ipod and to this day i can't listen to any of those songs without my heart aching, not even the funny techno one with the chipmunk voice. i used to tell you everything and i would still if you were here. i don't think anything i could say would shock you..... i think if i could ever give myself away it would be to you but the distance is problematic. i miss you...... so much


m: we used to spend weeks at each other's houses without going home. one night we got frosty's, deemed ourselves albinos, threw socks and mozzarella sticks at my cieling fan (we broke one of the lights, remember?), and slept in my bathtub. you sort of know what's going on with me but i don't think you know to what extent, and that's not your fault. we haven't spent any time together recently and i'm not sure why....... we need a patio party asap


h, k, a, b, j, et al...: before any of us could drive we used to ditch class and walk to lucky's pizza before it turned into a hookah bar. the pizza had a distinct basil taste and we always felt high when we were walking back to school. one day on the way to lucky's i stood on the pvcc podium *thing* and waved at ongoing traffic, everyone took pictures with their phone. then we would sit in the library on the bean bags and pass notes and laugh at the uptight old people who shh'd us. i miss when we all spent time together. AND ALSO study rooms enough said


d: we used to talk on the phone every single night for hours. the time it meant the most to me was after we hadn't talked for a looonnnngggg time and you called me up. it was late(ish) but i wasn't tired anymore, and we talked until around 3am. we talked about things i'd never really told other people, and i was surprised that i didn't feel uncomfortable at all. we also invented girelephanogs which i don't think anybody else could ever do. i miss you and i wish you hadn't disappeared, i want to talk to you.......... oh and lol you used to always talk about how hot other girls were and you knew it bothered me but then you admitted you did it to make me jealous. i thought that was cute but you know there are better ways to make people like you!


b: the summer i got my license we used to wake up at 5 and go to the barn allllll day to work for our trainer. we never got super close but we had a great time anyway, and we used to always go to the good egg after working. people stared at us because we smelled bad and were always wearing our riding stuff lol! you've had a rough time lately and i wish we were closer, i want to help you but i'd feel like i was barging in now.




these are the moments that make me feel, if that makes sense. i'll always miss them and i'll always miss the people who are gone now. a lot of them are still in my life but we're just not as close anymore. i've distanced myself from everyone. when i look back on this part of my life, i'm pretty sure it will be a blank void... i hope i can turn things around soon.

Oct 29, 2008

066

talk about stressful. who woulda thought a family "get-together" could do that to me! man, thanksgiving/christmas are going to fucking kill me!

ummm the whole way home i cried really hard but i didn't make a sound so my parents couldn't hear me because i was in the back seat. i'm good at that, crying hard without making noise. you'd never know unless you looked at me!

i wasn't crying about the concert ok lol if that's what you're thinking it's not that easy to push me over the edge + i'll see them some other time........................ take me to warped tour this summer



GOOD MORNING WORLD do you like my forced optimism i'm really tired/hallucinating and stuff i have plans around 10:30 and i'm not excited i just can't say no and you looked so hopeful when you asked sooooo what was i supposed to do... (??)
maybe it'll turn out alright mmgumphh

Oct 28, 2008

065 :(

my two favorite bands in the entire world are playing tonight in tempe andddddd it's only $10 to get in with a friend but i have ** family plans ** um i'm sorry but dinner and early pumpkin carving just do not compare to live music at the marquee :(((((((((

sajfhdskafhnsadknfaldjf fuuuuck wah wah waaaaah i'm a complainer sorry

064

i will never compare


who was i trying to fool? i should have known i would come crawling back to my biggest demon, i'm powerless without it... i'm powerless with it but it's more bearable

i'm an emotional masochist.

Oct 27, 2008

063

list⋅less
adjective

having no inclination or spirit; characterized by unwillingingness to exert; having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless; indifferent: a listless mood; a listless handshake.

Oct 26, 2008

062

there is not a doubt in my mind that the world would be a happier place if everybody took a bath with this at least once a week:

that + a hot bath + the black chamomile body lotion that goes with it = euphoria


and also while we were at b&b works i couldn't resist buying this hehe it's so softtttt:

:)

Oct 25, 2008

061

i think every day for the past week or so i have taken a nap and cried about something, pathetic whaaaat! but i don't care (much) this is harder than anything i ever could have imagined, i am not wasting my sleep or my tears ok


hey just because my ramblings are uninteresting i'll include photos i've taken from time to time... more often than before, if that helps at all?

we've been friends for 6 years and um i'm sad we don't really talk much anymore....... hi do you read this? i always wonder

Oct 24, 2008

060

the sky was on fire:






i want to be golden again.

Oct 22, 2008

059

t
i
double guh
errrrrr


yes i miss my childhood, yes

Oct 21, 2008

058

you know how in that one post i said i had times where every song sounded like the greatest thing ever composed bla bla etc? well yeah there's a complete opposite side of the spectrum

has a song ever almost made you throw up? some days i would have danced to it until my legs burned but tonight it made me feel sick(er)




i need a distraction
i need a hug

Oct 20, 2008

057

at the risk of sounding like a sad, overly-introverted emo wannabe poet, it's like somebody took a fire extinguisher to my heart and my mind. i'm in a haze and i'm stuck and i'll be stuck as long as this has a hold on my life

Oct 19, 2008

056

hmmm i feel bad for a lot of the people in my life i'm really not very interesting or anything

ALSO i've realized that lately i'm not interested in talking to/spending time with people in general, it's pretty bad. umm i'm wonderin how i'm gonna keep up with the school thing, there are too many stressors right now grr stress is bad it releases cortisol or **WHATEVER** it's called idc right now i'm not going to look it up..............

you gotta feel it yeaaaah you gotta feel it this song was playing today at the horse show and then it came on my ipod when i was driving home, then two more times later so it is the song of the day

wow talk about unorganized rambling i guess i haven't really said much lately i need to get some stuff out. things build and build and i can practically feel the steam coming out my ears and swirling around my head, i wonder if anyone sees it

i was at a horse show all weekend, lenardo and i did the jumpers HE WAS SO PERFECT i love my pony. riding is really the only thing anymore that i can't get depressed about, it's nice to have that. i hope i never lose that because then where will i be?

went to a concert on saturday night with a friend in tempe, where all the ~artsy~ asu students go and drink foamy beer from clear cups and pretend to be indifferent until the headlining band shows up. then they go NUTS there was crowdsurfing and a very umm unsatisfyingly small moshpit. yeah yeah i'm rambling now but the concert went on til pretty late and i had to get up at 5:30 this morning joy joy joy

anyways it was a good concert, the bands were energetic and got everyone pretty pumped. there were lots of good-looking people there lol! i'm officially going to asu ok and not just for the good-looking people i'm not thaaaaaat shallow i swear.







i almost typed my biggest "secret" here but i changed my mind! :x

055

you know i think we all have demons but unfortunately not all of us can be heroes, we'll live with them forever

i'll give you a real update later, maybe

Oct 17, 2008

054

disguuuusting

Oct 15, 2008

053

i'm hating the thoughts i'm having right now can't you go away won't you please.........

my brain is very distinctly divided into a logical side and an absolutely insane side. i do not mean a "romantic dreamer" side, i mean a self destructive, completely reckless side with absolutely not a care in the world for the effects this will have on me. and these two sides are constantly fighting and it's so exhausting to try and even it out and to listen to my logical side. it's what will save me but i can't hold onto it for long enough for it to do its job

i'm a giant collage of couldashouldawouldas and can'tdon'twon'ts.

052

omg new favorite website: yayayayah



YES david beckham did get my face tattooed on his very attractive abdomen:

Oct 14, 2008

051

i want to have my heart broken and have a friend who cares and we'll stay up all night and watch movies and talk and go outside at 3 in the morning and yell CHICKS BEFORE DICKS as loud as we can from their rooftop,
well i just want to have my heart broken



** dear stomach i promise i will do everything in my power to never eat an almond again, as long as i live **
my stomach still hasn't forgiven me apparently my pact isn't enough/sdlkfajdr9qjsaoljdfsa';



"oh this hurricane's blowing us thin
this neverending swirl of american sin
where i stray on my knees to a bottomless cave
where they throw dollar bills and hope to be saved"

Oct 12, 2008

050

my eyelashes are wet and it's cold when i blink

is it bad that i worry about what my friends say about me whenever i'm not there? that was rhetorical, i already know the answer

pssst most of the time i hang out with you guys just because i know you'll talk about me if i don't. i know because usually whenever we're together, whoever's not there is talked about.......
something along the lines of
"he/she's probably too busy with his/her other friends whatever he/she doesn't care about us anymore"

so spending time with my friends turns into a method of slander prevention instead of having a good time umm...........
yeah it's pathetic HELLOoooo i know what great friendships i have i cannot fucking wait for college










brighten, i love you

049

"it's mind numbing."

you said it like it was a bad thing

Oct 11, 2008

048

i need to let off a little steam it's alright if nobody reads this and if you do read any of it don't take it to heart, not that i'd expect you to


things i do not understand:

1. talking on the phone for no reason.
i think i'm missing that gene that makes people want to talk on the phone "just to talk" or whatever. like, if you're going to call me, have a reason other than to make aimless conversation because you're bored driving home from work. i'm really not that interested lol sorry!
and also i get really bored with/unmotivated to respond to messages/comments/notes/texts that are realllllllly long so i just don't respond. i'm impatient it's a flaw

2. romance movies.
i saw nights in rodanthe (laugh it up hahahAHAhahaHA) with my mom earlier becaaaaaause we were going to see burn after reading but we accidentally went to the wrong theater and it wasn't playing lol boooooo. so yeah anyways it's a classically sappy love story and pretty much every girl in the theater was sniffling into a tissue by the end but i rolled my eyes throughout the entire movie. umm am i a cynic or just a realist?

3. "i'm fine."
that's alright if you actually ARE. but if you say that and expect people to be like "omg no you're not i can tell let me ** fix everything for you ** because you're my world" then you're stupid. if you want somebody's help then ask for it, people can't read your mind and aren't going to take time out of their lives just to fix yours when you act like you don't need their help.

4. edward cullen/jacob black.
i don't really want to get into this, but you can't be in love with a fictional vampire. "perfect" characters like these are the reasons so many of us have sky high standards that will never be met. with standards like that, you're doomed to die a lonely old woman with 90+ cats, all named after some tv/book character who swept you off your feet. P.S. the twilight books are horribly written.

5. obsessive bulletin-posting behavior.
okay for you few non-myspacers a bulletin is a message that gets sent to all of your friends at once. what makes you think we all want to know that you just dropped your glue stick and had a *great day* at school? also if you post a million bulletins asking for picture comments i automatically think you're annoying.

6. truth box drama.
i feel pathetic-y for talking about myspace twice in a row ugh
anyways, um, if you put up a truth box........... you're kind of asking for some immature kids to post shit in it, end of story

7. this.
self explanatory. hey, i don't have to understand myself. i don't even have to accept myself! fuck you, self

8. "i'm more original/my music is more underground/my literature is more cultured, etc."
shut up pretentious assholes. listening to bands hardly anybody has heard of does not make you special, it just means you heard them before the rest of the world. hey maybe it's because the band sucks????????????

9. the "love at first sight" phenomena.
um NO! sorry but you don't fall in love immediately upon meeting a total stranger. i ~obviously~ hate romeo and juliet. having butterflies in your stomach and blushing whenever someone comes around is not the same thing as being in love

ohhhh fuck it who am i to say what is or isn't love whatever i don't want to go to sleep tonight i'm sick of sleeping, i can't handle it.

047

i can't sleeeeeep

i couldn't even look at you tonight, i had to turn away. that was hard for me to do. but it's because of a couple decisions you made today, i figured it would be best to just not see the results.

my dad has the living room tv up too loud no wonder i can't sleep there's somebody screaming. i think it's funny how on movies, a lot of the time when women scream you can't tell whether they're dying or having great sex unless you look.

yeahhhhhhhhh i should try to go to bed for real now i have to get up fucking early ugh i love my sport i love my sport i love my sport even if it requires saturdays to start at 5:45am....................................................

Oct 9, 2008

046

i actually hate not having school because it gives me the whole day to fixate on stuff uuugh
it's so funny my best friends think i'm an optimist whaaaaat!?



oh yeah hi i can't ever really look at you the same anymore.
i wish i could tell you what's going on ONLY SO you would listen to me instead of thinking you're right....... you don't know what you're talking about. you've never even ~researched~ it and you've only heard about it in little tangents in psychology classes and teenage dramas on tv. i'm living it ok thanks I WIN.

as of a couple hours ago i have about 20 packs of peppermint 5 gum, i'm set for at least a couple months! lovin' life oh yeah



i love my parents so much they're so supportive and it makes me feel bad. hey mom and pops sorry for being this way i didn't mean to i promise!

Oct 8, 2008

045

at this point it seems like perfection wouldn't be enough. nothing would be enough

but there's one thing that keeps me going and it's the only reason i want to get better right now......................................



if you could ignore the picture phone-like quality that would be much appreciated thank you

Oct 7, 2008

044

brrrrrRRRr i'm so cold! as soon as i got home from school i changed into warm pajama pants and put on a warm sweatshirt and i'm still freezing. school was miserable just because i was shivering the whole time

i never ever used to get this cold what's wrong with me!!!!! tell me and i'll love you forever

last night was really good. i made a lot of new friends and i talked about things i'd never really talked about before, it was so nice to get things off my chest. you always hear about how good that feels but i'd never really experienced it that much before, it was better than i expected. the weird thing is these were people i had never met before and all of a sudden i was like "oh hey here's my life story" which is normally something i keep totally *under wraps* and stuff like that

i'm feeling pretty good about this! except for the fact that i'm still cold ugh i might go sit outside for a little while it's warmer out there

Oct 5, 2008

043

goddddddddddddddd i feel like shit now this whole thing fucking sucks

i want to know what started it and if it will EVER go away. i feel guilty for being like this, my mom must be so sick of me stressing about it all the time. i'd feel bad for my dad too but he doesn't seem to understand how bad it is. it's probably better this way.

i want to tell somebody so bad but i can't do it

Oct 4, 2008

042

hey you made me blush the other day in class. that used to be really easy to do when i was a super awkward middle schooler but now not so much so good job! you really got me

i'm wearing a long sleeved shirt that always makes me like my hands. also i got my class ring in the mail the other day what! i love it, maybe someday i'll take a picture of it and post it. it makes my hands look nice i think.

i just got a text yay me my phone goes crrrrazy when it vibrates, it's really loud and not inconspicuous so i have to make sure it's on silent in class or it may as well be a ringtone set on full volume.

i'm going out in a little while yay i'm going to see a movie with friends yay and we're going to hang out yay i've been saying yay a lot today!

today was a good day, i woke up early (5:27, says my alarm) and rode. lenardo was pretty good and i rode with one of my really good friends. her horse is adorable haha anyways! then we went to lunch and i had a salmon burger which was surprisingly delishhh (i just said delish i know i know iii know) but thank you red robin

um afterwards we went to a clinic to watch some really top notch trainer teach people a *thing or two* about riding he seemed to really know what he was talking about. tomorrow i'll go watch more with a friend or two we'll see




thank you weekend for providing me with plans!

oh and also my old computer is 100% done so i got myself a nice little dell laptop and now i can do this in my room instead of out in the office where my parents like to "check in" every now and then LOL awkward sometimes when i'm on youtube and other things.......... try not to read into that too much

if you read that all i love you forever ok

Oct 3, 2008

041

i'm looking on the bright side, the view is fantastic and i feel great.

tomorrow's going to be nice, i have an early lesson (7:00 but i never mind waking up for that even on a saturday), then i'm going to audit a clinic at one of the nicest riding facilities in the state... mm yeah they have these $500,000+ moroccan chandeliers in the office, etc. i've been there once and i'm exciiiiited to go back.

one of my best friends turned 18 on wednesday so we're all going to a movie tomorrow night yay i haven't hung out with a lot of my friends nearly enough lately.


OH PS my computer crashed so i'm on my mom's laptop right now. somehow some of the things on my old computer were saved so they're being transferred to a different laptop, ohh technology