Showing posts from October, 2008


you know, it's true what they say... you really can't count on anybody for everything. inevitably they'll let you down even if they don't mean to or don't realize it

uuuugh today while my mom is at work my sister-in-law is coming over and we're going to clean the entire house and cook dinner and make dessert (stress city) because my mom is overworked and needs a break. SURPRISE MOM

last night i had a lesson and it was dark by 6:00........ jumping in the dark is a very interesting experience, lenardo was good but i think i'd rather ride during the day *thank you*


do you remember

e: the night before you left we drove around from 9pm-5am, stopping at random places to check them out. for a while you let me drive your car and you made a playlist ("on the go...... that could mean so many things") on my ipod and to this day i can't listen to any of those songs without my heart aching, not even the funny techno one with the chipmunk voice. i used to tell you everything and i would still if you were here. i don't think anything i could say would shock you..... i think if i could ever give myself away it would be to you but the distance is problematic. i miss you...... so much

m: we used to spend weeks at each other's houses without going home. one night we got frosty's, deemed ourselves albinos, threw socks and mozzarella sticks at my cieling fan (we broke one of the lights, remember?), and slept in my bathtub. you sort of know what's going on with me but i don't think you know to what extent, and that's not your fa…


talk about stressful. who woulda thought a family "get-together" could do that to me! man, thanksgiving/christmas are going to fucking kill me!

ummm the whole way home i cried really hard but i didn't make a sound so my parents couldn't hear me because i was in the back seat. i'm good at that, crying hard without making noise. you'd never know unless you looked at me!

i wasn't crying about the concert ok lol if that's what you're thinking it's not that easy to push me over the edge + i'll see them some other time........................ take me to warped tour this summer

GOOD MORNING WORLD do you like my forced optimism i'm really tired/hallucinating and stuff i have plans around 10:30 and i'm not excited i just can't say no and you looked so hopeful when you asked sooooo what was i supposed to do... (??)
maybe it'll turn out alright mmgumphh

065 :(

my two favorite bands in the entire world are playing tonight in tempe andddddd it's only $10 to get in with a friend but i have ** family plans ** um i'm sorry but dinner and early pumpkin carving just do not compare to live music at the marquee :(((((((((

sajfhdskafhnsadknfaldjf fuuuuck wah wah waaaaah i'm a complainer sorry


i will never compare

who was i trying to fool? i should have known i would come crawling back to my biggest demon, i'm powerless without it... i'm powerless with it but it's more bearable

i'm an emotional masochist.


having no inclination or spirit; characterized by unwillingingness to exert; having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless; indifferent: a listless mood; a listless handshake.


there is not a doubt in my mind that the world would be a happier place if everybody took a bath with this at least once a week:

that + a hot bath + the black chamomile body lotion that goes with it = euphoria

and also while we were at b&b works i couldn't resist buying this hehe it's so softtttt:


i think every day for the past week or so i have taken a nap and cried about something, pathetic whaaaat! but i don't care (much) this is harder than anything i ever could have imagined, i am not wasting my sleep or my tears ok

hey just because my ramblings are uninteresting i'll include photos i've taken from time to time... more often than before, if that helps at all?
we've been friends for 6 years and um i'm sad we don't really talk much anymore....... hi do you read this? i always wonder


the sky was on fire:

i want to be golden again.


double guh

yes i miss my childhood, yes


you know how in that one post i said i had times where every song sounded like the greatest thing ever composed bla bla etc? well yeah there's a complete opposite side of the spectrum

has a song ever almost made you throw up? some days i would have danced to it until my legs burned but tonight it made me feel sick(er)

i need a distraction
i need a hug


at the risk of sounding like a sad, overly-introverted emo wannabe poet, it's like somebody took a fire extinguisher to my heart and my mind. i'm in a haze and i'm stuck and i'll be stuck as long as this has a hold on my life


hmmm i feel bad for a lot of the people in my life i'm really not very interesting or anything

ALSO i've realized that lately i'm not interested in talking to/spending time with people in general, it's pretty bad. umm i'm wonderin how i'm gonna keep up with the school thing, there are too many stressors right now grr stress is bad it releases cortisol or **WHATEVER** it's called idc right now i'm not going to look it up..............

you gotta feel it yeaaaah you gotta feel it this song was playing today at the horse show and then it came on my ipod when i was driving home, then two more times later so it is the song of the day

wow talk about unorganized rambling i guess i haven't really said much lately i need to get some stuff out. things build and build and i can practically feel the steam coming out my ears and swirling around my head, i wonder if anyone sees it

i was at a horse show all weekend, lenardo and i did the jumpers HE WAS SO PERFECT i lov…


you know i think we all have demons but unfortunately not all of us can be heroes, we'll live with them forever

i'll give you a real update later, maybe




i'm hating the thoughts i'm having right now can't you go away won't you please.........

my brain is very distinctly divided into a logical side and an absolutely insane side. i do not mean a "romantic dreamer" side, i mean a self destructive, completely reckless side with absolutely not a care in the world for the effects this will have on me. and these two sides are constantly fighting and it's so exhausting to try and even it out and to listen to my logical side. it's what will save me but i can't hold onto it for long enough for it to do its job

i'm a giant collage of couldashouldawouldas and can'tdon'twon'ts.


omg new favorite website: yayayayah

YES david beckham did get my face tattooed on his very attractive abdomen:


i want to have my heart broken and have a friend who cares and we'll stay up all night and watch movies and talk and go outside at 3 in the morning and yell CHICKS BEFORE DICKS as loud as we can from their rooftop,
well i just want to have my heart broken

** dear stomach i promise i will do everything in my power to never eat an almond again, as long as i live **
my stomach still hasn't forgiven me apparently my pact isn't enough/sdlkfajdr9qjsaoljdfsa';

"oh this hurricane's blowing us thin
this neverending swirl of american sin
where i stray on my knees to a bottomless cave
where they throw dollar bills and hope to be saved"


my eyelashes are wet and it's cold when i blink

is it bad that i worry about what my friends say about me whenever i'm not there? that was rhetorical, i already know the answer

pssst most of the time i hang out with you guys just because i know you'll talk about me if i don't. i know because usually whenever we're together, whoever's not there is talked about.......
something along the lines of
"he/she's probably too busy with his/her other friends whatever he/she doesn't care about us anymore"

so spending time with my friends turns into a method of slander prevention instead of having a good time umm...........
yeah it's pathetic HELLOoooo i know what great friendships i have i cannot fucking wait for college

brighten, i love you


"it's mind numbing."

you said it like it was a bad thing


i need to let off a little steam it's alright if nobody reads this and if you do read any of it don't take it to heart, not that i'd expect you to

things i do not understand:

1. talking on the phone for no reason.
i think i'm missing that gene that makes people want to talk on the phone "just to talk" or whatever. like, if you're going to call me, have a reason other than to make aimless conversation because you're bored driving home from work. i'm really not that interested lol sorry!
and also i get really bored with/unmotivated to respond to messages/comments/notes/texts that are realllllllly long so i just don't respond. i'm impatient it's a flaw

2. romance movies.
i saw nights in rodanthe (laugh it up hahahAHAhahaHA) with my mom earlier becaaaaaause we were going to see burn after reading but we accidentally went to the wrong theater and it wasn't playing lol boooooo. so yeah anyways it's a classically sappy love story and pretty…


i can't sleeeeeep

i couldn't even look at you tonight, i had to turn away. that was hard for me to do. but it's because of a couple decisions you made today, i figured it would be best to just not see the results.

my dad has the living room tv up too loud no wonder i can't sleep there's somebody screaming. i think it's funny how on movies, a lot of the time when women scream you can't tell whether they're dying or having great sex unless you look.

yeahhhhhhhhh i should try to go to bed for real now i have to get up fucking early ugh i love my sport i love my sport i love my sport even if it requires saturdays to start at 5:45am....................................................


i actually hate not having school because it gives me the whole day to fixate on stuff uuugh
it's so funny my best friends think i'm an optimist whaaaaat!?

oh yeah hi i can't ever really look at you the same anymore.
i wish i could tell you what's going on ONLY SO you would listen to me instead of thinking you're right....... you don't know what you're talking about. you've never even ~researched~ it and you've only heard about it in little tangents in psychology classes and teenage dramas on tv. i'm living it ok thanks I WIN.

as of a couple hours ago i have about 20 packs of peppermint 5 gum, i'm set for at least a couple months! lovin' life oh yeah

i love my parents so much they're so supportive and it makes me feel bad. hey mom and pops sorry for being this way i didn't mean to i promise!


at this point it seems like perfection wouldn't be enough. nothing would be enough
but there's one thing that keeps me going and it's the only reason i want to get better right now......................................

if you could ignore the picture phone-like quality that would be much appreciated thank you


brrrrrRRRr i'm so cold! as soon as i got home from school i changed into warm pajama pants and put on a warm sweatshirt and i'm still freezing. school was miserable just because i was shivering the whole time

i never ever used to get this cold what's wrong with me!!!!! tell me and i'll love you forever

last night was really good. i made a lot of new friends and i talked about things i'd never really talked about before, it was so nice to get things off my chest. you always hear about how good that feels but i'd never really experienced it that much before, it was better than i expected. the weird thing is these were people i had never met before and all of a sudden i was like "oh hey here's my life story" which is normally something i keep totally *under wraps* and stuff like that

i'm feeling pretty good about this! except for the fact that i'm still cold ugh i might go sit outside for a little while it's warmer out there


goddddddddddddddd i feel like shit now this whole thing fucking sucks

i want to know what started it and if it will EVER go away. i feel guilty for being like this, my mom must be so sick of me stressing about it all the time. i'd feel bad for my dad too but he doesn't seem to understand how bad it is. it's probably better this way.

i want to tell somebody so bad but i can't do it


hey you made me blush the other day in class. that used to be really easy to do when i was a super awkward middle schooler but now not so much so good job! you really got me

i'm wearing a long sleeved shirt that always makes me like my hands. also i got my class ring in the mail the other day what! i love it, maybe someday i'll take a picture of it and post it. it makes my hands look nice i think.

i just got a text yay me my phone goes crrrrazy when it vibrates, it's really loud and not inconspicuous so i have to make sure it's on silent in class or it may as well be a ringtone set on full volume.

i'm going out in a little while yay i'm going to see a movie with friends yay and we're going to hang out yay i've been saying yay a lot today!

today was a good day, i woke up early (5:27, says my alarm) and rode. lenardo was pretty good and i rode with one of my really good friends. her horse is adorable haha anyways! then we went to lunch and i had a salmon burg…


i'm looking on the bright side, the view is fantastic and i feel great.

tomorrow's going to be nice, i have an early lesson (7:00 but i never mind waking up for that even on a saturday), then i'm going to audit a clinic at one of the nicest riding facilities in the state... mm yeah they have these $500,000+ moroccan chandeliers in the office, etc. i've been there once and i'm exciiiiited to go back.

one of my best friends turned 18 on wednesday so we're all going to a movie tomorrow night yay i haven't hung out with a lot of my friends nearly enough lately.

OH PS my computer crashed so i'm on my mom's laptop right now. somehow some of the things on my old computer were saved so they're being transferred to a different laptop, ohh technology