May 27, 2010

236 so close, so close, forget it 'cause close doesn't count when you're counting on me



okay this is going to sound mean but i dgaf (please take this moment to contemplate and admire my newly implemented badassness). my aunt depresses the hell out of me, the same way going to walmart depresses the hell out of me. i guess it goes like this

when i look into the future i want my eyes to light up and to skip around and be a kid eating a melty hershey's bar forever. but when i fall into mediocrity (reality?) i realize that it won't always be like that. my hershey's bar will become a non-fat mocha with soymilk and a shot of espresso and my eyes will sink to the ground and i'll be gray and boring and old. i try not to think this way but my brain is stronger than me, i'll admit that. when i look at my aunt, her misery sinks into me and i wonder, what if i turn out like her. she just sits up all night and watches her soaps and goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in with her eyes so tired and her heart so heavy.

she's been living with us for over a year when it was supposed to be 6 months. when she walks in the door she lets in the rainclouds, that's the only way i can describe it. i hate it. i mean, maybe i'm being selfish, but i really want this house to feel the same, and it won't as long as she's here. she's supposed to be leaving soon and i'll shake my head when she says "thanks again for everything, i'm sure you've gotten sick of having me around..." which i have, but i'll never tell her, even though she knows.


ho hum, i hate to write anymore about this. i also hate that i use the word hate so much. it's intoxicating the air around me!!!!!! or something whatever yeah...

i had a poem-ish piece i wanted to post but since it's on my computer (which i do not have access to, long story) i can't post it. i like it, but you might not, it's kind of strange and it's not really meant to be understood. which i like.



there's a small mosquito on the computer screen
my right ankle is going numbbbbbbbbunbmbmwsjdnfsn
i need to sleep

May 22, 2010

235 mwah

i'm going to talk about sex. sex and your body, your mind, your heart. they're all different. they can happen at the same time, obviously the body is a must-have unless you are the girl from 40 days and 40 nights and can orgasm from a guy blowing a flower petal across your stomach.




i love sex, i can't imagine not loving it, and i don't think that's shameful. but i also can't imagine being able to enjoy sex just with my body, i can't imagine something else not being present. since i was little i've always felt that way. at the time i couldn't even fathom the process, but i always held it on a pedestal. it was a Big Deal. (it still is.) my eyes widened at the thought of willingly giving that much of yourself to somebody. even in high school i couldn't grasp it, though i knew the people around me were having sex, ditching class to do it in the parking lot in their boyfriend's raised truck, sneaking into the raquetball courts at the community college and giving blowjobs.


my best friend in 9th grade got a blowjob from his girlfriend and dumped her minutes after because she apparently was inexperienced and couldn't get him to cum (some gentleman of a best friend i had, TANGENT he sold my PS2 and my games for drug money and tried to console me by saying it was a shitty high anyway) but i was just disgusted by that! people put so much emphasis on the physical aspects that they forget about the rest. granted the physical parts are wonderful, but if they're not backed by something more, they're essentially worthless once the shaking and the sweating and the biting and kissing are over, and then what? you're lying naked next to someone and you just want to hide because now everything they wanted from you has been given and laid out on the table and you've got nothing left for them, until the next time their desire tops out and bubbles over and they're kissing your neck again.



my favorite part about sex isn't the orgasm or the shaking or my toes curling, it's the warmth of skin on skin, the impossible closeness, lying afterward with my nose pressed to his neck just above his collarbone, his heartbeat against my chest, knowing i could say anything and it would be okay. i love the way i feel like i'm going to literally melt into him and i could lie in his arms forever and be safe, and i love slow kisses and kissing his eyelids, his forehead, his cheeks. my favorite part about it is not in receiving physical gratification but in giving myself wholly to someone i trust and love and not being afraid to do so. i feel sad that people treat it so casually but i guess everybody's process is different.


we talked in philosophy about how sex is a sign and seal of love. how a physical union is not complete without a spiritual union. maybe corny or old-fashioned but i'm okay with being corny and old-fashioned this time. that doesn't mean i can't dress up in sexy matching lingerie and do the dirty things they talk about in cosmo! sorry for the tmi but you know.

okay i'm going to post this now without reading through it and editing it (this is my new rule) because otherwise i'll delete everything and start over and this will end up being about something completely boring. ciao or summat

May 19, 2010

234 bones are broken and the will is sunk, how did everything get so fucked up?

it's really hard to smile sometimes. i'm trying you guys i promise i am.

my words feel like shit, it's like swallowing sand when i want to get something down on paper. mostly i'm trying not to kill myself still which sounds awfully pathetic but it's a lot harder than it sounds. i know suicide is selfish and it's a coward's way out whatever, i've heard all the lectures and i've seen families crying because how could someone so close to them be so alone and so desperate?


i'd honestly like to be able to tell you that when i'm in that place, i can see in my head a forest of dark trees and bare branches and black sky and old wet leaves crunched into dead soil but i don't see ANYTHING. there is nothing, when i'm depressed there is nothing but saltwater and red. i'd like to be able to tell you that i see something more, but it's just the feeling of being trapped. i'm going to deal with this MY WHOLE LIFE. there is no way around it. and sometimes i can't handle that, because i'm sick of being a slave to brain chemistry. it's not that i don't know it will get better. i know it will! by tomorrow maybe. the problem is i'm terrified of being happy because i know what will happen afterwards. it's like a punishment.

it is literally impossible to look up when you are sunk in chemical depression. i fucking hate that people think it's a choice and i should just look up inspirational quotes and take a walk and soak up some vitamin d. sorry but what a joke. you know what i'm talking about if you've gone through it.

i don't know if i can do this, i'm being honest. i hope i can and i guess that counts for something. i'm scared though.

May 17, 2010

233 a change of meds is in order

friday: wake up happy, phone call, major meltdown, near suicide, call mother in tears asking her to please come home and save me from myself and the bottle of pills rattling in my shaking hands, calm down, clean up, dinner and a milkshake with mom, get pissed at self and self's brainfucks

saturday: wake up somewhat calm, plans in place for afternoon, ride my lovely horse early in the morning, smile and jitterdance all the way home, take shower, prepare to leave house to meet with friends, read something, feel left out, make phone call, begin bawling in the car, near suicide, almost drive off road into canal, keep crying, still on phone, the demons in my brain the demons in my brain i can't do this i just can't do this it hurts so bad, "please baby please turn around come to my house please just listen stay on the phone with me come to my house don't do this," turn around, arrive, cry in arms, calm down, regain composure, meet with friends, laugh and shop and joke for 6 hours, never missed a beat, like nothing ever happened. like nothing ever fucking happened.





i'm honestly going to be amazed if i make it to 25 what the FUCK

May 13, 2010

232 i've been saying i dig things a lot lately

so i keep getting invited to go out ~clubbing~ with this guy which if you know me is a BIG LAFF. it's not really my scene i guess, i don't like music so loud i can't hear anybody to know whether they're calling me fat or saying they like my ass. it sounds pretty much the same in those places.

anyways this guy we'll call him angelo even though that's not even close to his name, i don't really know him but he sent me a picture of him with his shirt off wearing just a corona towel around his waist. he's 25 which is 7 years older than me and he has a kid and he's kind of a party boy (plus he's mega short which can be a dealbreaker for me considering my giraffe-like height), so naturally i am *not interested.* but instead of telling him all that i just explained that i'm in relationship limbo, so to speak, and that i'm not really up for anything of that nature, at which point he proceeded to tell me that there's no commitment with him ever so i shouldn't worry. i kind of laughed because i already knew there was no commitment, you can tell right away. idk if he just wants to sleep with me (yes yes yes) or if he's actually into me (no no no) but i think it's the former.

so i don't really have anything to say except i'm getting ready for work and my boss is a mega bitch. don't care if she reads this because i'm going to quit once i find another job, not that she would read it anyways. i've been getting 4 hours a week 4 HOURS at barely above min wage and she's redheaded which is okay and crazy inconsistently passive aggressive which is not okay.

okay?


i dig this

May 8, 2010

231

i'm just tired and i keep slipping up, one day at a time is too slow for me. last night i cried because i was too scared to eat the rocky road ice cream in the freezer, it used to be my favorite. i'm sick, and i mean in a couple ways.

i have a cold or something like it and i keep coughing and my nose is all raw but that pales in comparison to the fact that...

my mind is all twisted and confused, it can't decide between mania and depression. and to top it all off...

i feel like losing about 50lbs which is not feasible considering i'm already at the low end of my bmi but who cares about that when you have body dysmorphia!!!!!


May 5, 2010

230 leaving room typos tpyos toyps

so i'm in my computer class and it's almost over and i'll never see these faces again. i have a 93.43% but i don't know how because normally i am the Ultimate Procrastinator. technically i could leave right now but i am just so comfortable and my fingers are kind of just going going going and i'm not goig to use the backspace buttion.

i wihs wish i could show my facde. face, facade, both i guess. i lied about not using the backspace butto n because i am tired and it's hard to type with craaaazy nails anmd this keyboard STINKS.

i hate the taste of alcohol i just do. i feel like i'm swallowing nail polish remover. i should go up to flag and stay with my friend V and get drunk on her vodka mix that tastes like vanilla cupcakes. the other night in the back of my car i was wearing th e infamous red sofees and i was with you and i took a sip of that awful brandy which wqas old and had been sitting in your friend's cabinet and i made funny faces because3 it burned my throat. my legs were wrapped around the head rest of the front passenger seat and my legs are oh so white like ghosts.

/i can make the simplesdt of times sound somewhat unreal sometimes if i try, the tequila wasn't so bad and later i liked how my chest felt warm. i fell asleep on your chest and you were breathing deep, sometimes in your sleep you stop breathing and it scares me and i want to wake you up but i can't because i imagine your dream,s are so beautiful, filled with musioc and colors and maybe me

May 4, 2010

229 this is me admitting to you how weird i am:

in 5
4
3
2
1......

facts about today:

i smell good
my outfit received general approval from everyone in the world woop woop
my hair is relatively tame
the rest of the semester is going to be a breeeeeZe
i took a nap
i am hungry
you were the first thing i saw this morning
and snuggling
my blog entries are more or less shit now because i'm too lazy to care sometimes
i have reason to believe nobody will ever be able to replace you

AND THESE ARE THE SCARIEST THING EVER


braaaaaaar hello i am mr. coconut crab i am the world's largest living anthropod and i feast on small children and i can smell your fearrrr

May 3, 2010

228 shhhmungle

i feel _______ when i hang out with him but i'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of you

guilty
regretful
cold
confused
like i'll never get out of this mess

d'uuuuuuuughhhhhh

May 1, 2010

227 nightmare pills

i fucked up my meds today,
:(((((((


stilllll struggling with body image shit. well not even body image so much as just this sick gross feeling i get after i've eaten and i'm full. guilt manifests itself into physical discomfort after so long, sometimes after i eat i feel like i should cry which is dumb. i haven't been restricting and i haven't purged in over 8 months but the other day i almost did. i'm always going to be in recovery, you know? it's never just gonna be gone. that's alright though i mean you get used to it and it's a lot brighter than it used to be in my head.

so tired but i can't sleep. ignoring text messages. probably going to cut up a magazine and make something. i need to start reading again, and making things. my horse's hoof was bleeding tonight, :( sigh.




my puppy is sleeeeeeepin. her name is bubbles look at how cute she is:






pound puppy we rescued her on 12/23/09. and she is the cutest thing ever. i snuggle with her at night because she's warm and soft and she likes to snuggle. okay that is all