Apr 29, 2009

142 i will burn through it all unharmed for you

the bad news is that nobody cares,
the good news is that nobody cares.

hey i'm realizing everything is just a matter of perspective



freedom fills your lungs and the air has never tasted so sweet, a new kind of cold but this kind you like
maybe i could get used to this

i know things will get hard again but that doesn't scare me anymore.

Apr 28, 2009

141 you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place

i love guys. i don't even mean in a sexual way right now. i just love them they are so much easier to understand and talk to and generally be around. they make more sense to me in every way


i went to watch a basketball game at a high school earlier and i was in awe the whole time. just the pure physicality of it i guess, the running pounding footsteps and shoes squeaking and the ball bouncing off the floor, so much communication with so few words. if you couldn't tell already i'm a sucker for that, physical communication, i mean. everything you need to say, in glances or movements or touches. words just cannot compare

whenever i go to a high school i'm filled with the kind of nostalgia that doesn't go away, it clings to my insides and my mind and it just stays..... the only regrets i really have are taking things for granted
well that's a lie i regret more than that






made me smile i hope you like it too



i think normalcy is highly underrated and i am starting to accept that discontent and restlessness are symptoms of being human

Apr 26, 2009

140 take apart your head, take apart the demons

i'm so i'm so i'm so i'm so



lonely right now and it's so hard not to revert back to the dangerous friend that holds a place so deep and dear in my heart god i fucking miss it

Apr 24, 2009

139 birds singing a song, old paint is peeling

never sell yourself short

the wars i waged on myself are finally over. the dust has settled and peace is being made.




thank you

Apr 23, 2009

138 i never would have gotten here if i followed my heart

last night i dreamed about the good of humanity

needless to say waking up was a rude awakening
i'm writing a story.

Apr 22, 2009

137 between road signs and street lights

when i shut my eyes to the world outside
it's just another thought of you and i

why can a song make my heart ache so intensely but sometimes i have to wonder, would i cry if my brother died


restless
i can't even sleep anymore because when i lay down it just feels so familiar. how can i fall asleep there one more lousy time


heavy limbs, heavy head, heavy thoughts
i'm still mourning the loss of my visible ribs and those sharp-as-knives hipbones, something about the frailty of bones just gets to me, the light casting shadows like there is charcoal smeared on my body

someone just tell me to stop trying so hard

HINT the excessive lack of punctuation is here to reflect my apathetic mood
somehow a post littered with !!!!!!!s and ?????s would just not feel right to me at the moment

i'll be better in the morning. it's hard to explain but through all of this i still know i'm happy

despite sometimes feeling disconnected and cold,
motivation (see above ♥x12092039) and inspiration are now as much a part of me as the blood in my veins and i don't think i'm a danger to myself anymore.

Apr 19, 2009

136 rather give the world away than wake up lonely

the air smelled like warm maple syrup and teen lust. i would have sworn i never needed to feel or see the sun again because your skin was so soft and warm against mine and the light in your eyes was bright enough. your fingers must have been full of electricity that night because your touch went right through me, all the way to my heart, and the beats skipped and slowed and quickened and fluttered.

long, slow blinks. you whispered something but my ears were full of my heart's irregular beating and anyway the words didn't matter because you always said it better with your eyes and smile. your fingers laced through mine, you lifted your hand and put it on your chest. your heartbeat thundered through the back of my hand, skipping beats and slowing down and speeding up again. maybe it was wishful thinking and maybe it was just the busy rush in my head but i could have sworn that our heartbeats were together, as erratic as they were. imperfect but in sync, just like us.


and that was the last time i saw you. i told everyone i was okay. some believed me, anybody who knew me didn't. some mornings i woke up and discovered that i had cried in my sleep, the dark circle of tears on my pillow just made me cry more. i played our songs over and over again in an attempt to cry out all of my tears but they wouldn't run out. soon the songs turned into senseless noise and i stopped listening to them altogether.

i never regretted us, i couldn't. i tried but somehow the pain was nothing compared to the memories you left me. i still think of your smile sometimes and i mostly remember the little things about you, your dimples and the way your eyes were even more golden when you laughed. your arms wrapped around my shoulders and the way you sighed and smiled when i got mad.

i could type about this forever but i don't think my heart wants to remember anymore right now



"don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." i'll smile about you forever but i can't say i will never cry, i think it's okay to do both.

135 it's just another thought of you and i

here i am again, sleepless. is it night or is it morning? their fingers are intertwined again and i can never tell them apart when time becomes just another thing to keep my mind off of you.

so here i am again, craving and creating my very own heartache, but don't worry about me. i'll always think of you and i'll always wonder but i can never know. i guess some things you just have to accept

Apr 18, 2009

134 you know who i am, you know i can't let you slip through my hands

i'm wearing your old football shirt again and a pair of yellow lacrosse shorts. i really should stop wearing the shirt because it still smells like you and i'm breathing you in again, i never want to stop. i'm thinking of your eyes, pools of chocolate and caramel that used to whisper more than either of us ever could put into words. that's why i believed everything you said; i learned that lips can lie but your eyes were so honest, i don't think i ever doubted a word you never said.
i still get that fluttery allover feeling in my heart and my everything whenever you cross my mind, but then it melts into this dull empty aching because i know i'll never meet another you.




and i know you're gone

Apr 16, 2009

133 when life has locked me out, i turn to you

so open the door

are my pores big enough for you.....

i am fire and ice. so warm and glowing and passionate, i can do anything, i can be anyone. everything beautiful is just within my grasp and the sunrise mirrors my heart.
but then i am numb from cold and i'll swear there is no reason for anything. i used to love this side of myself. i wanted to be a cold, cynical, emotionless statue of ice.


now i'm praying that my fire will melt the ice away, if not completely, at least enough that the ratio of days i want to live vs. days i want to die is better than 1:2
i'm starting to believe i'm a good person. mirasol saved my life ♥

Apr 14, 2009

132 this could be the very minute i'm aware i'm alive

my day was fucking awesome. i'm not texting you back because whenever i talk to you i feel guilty and sad for pretending i care. tonight i'm not going to do anything to ruin it.

mmmy therapist from mirasol (who is by far the coolest person i have ever met) came up from tucson to spend the day with me and ultratherapize me and take me shopping to get over my fear and loathing of full length mirrors and dressing rooms and clothes that are far out of my comfort zone. wow run on sentence aaaaaanyway. i ate chinese food and gelato and cake and pasta and a pizookie. I'M OKAY WITH IT I'M OKAY WITH IT I'M GOING TO SAY I'M OKAY WITH IT UNTIL I REALLY AM.






i'm okay with it
i'm okay with me.

Apr 13, 2009

131

i'm so excited i'll tell you why later!

Apr 11, 2009

130 i've grown accustomed to the grays and blacks because they're always coming back

i wish a camera could capture sound.

yesterday i cried a lot in the morning because i made some mistakes again. i almost didn't go to one of my best friend's 18th birthday dinner because it was at a pizza place and i was so scared. i ended up going and it was worth it. we saw adventureland and i talked for hours with two best friends in the parking lot about what i'm afraid of and what i love, about everything. driving home around midnight listening to songs drenched in nostalgia, the rain speckling my windshield and reflecting the red brake lights and white headlights, i realized i was okay.

i wish a camera could capture the way i feel.




someday i hope to affect somebody the way other people affect me. i want somebody to remember me as more than just a face or a few words. i want there to be a feeling attached to my memory, one as unshakeable as the one you left me with.

Apr 9, 2009

129

i am literally so pissed off that i can feel my blood boiling the redness is burning me from the inside out

i'm not eating anymore fuck this i need to move out before i hurt somebody (myself)

12* didn't i tell you that someday you'll be okay

(i can't look at the number one-hundred and twenty-eight in numeric form, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, always has)



doubled up on sleep meds tonight, here's to hoping that has some effect besides the usual incessant yawning and extreme restlessness.
idk what it is but for some reason no matter HOW tired i am, as soon as i lay in my bed i get so fidgety and can't sleep. it's only in my bed though, i never slept so well in my life as i did at mirasol



uummmm i'm pretty sure miranda kerr has a perfect body






crying crying crying cryingsafdasdkslja

okay the yawning is starting now but that's all... i'm counting on the soulful melodies of my favorite perishers songs to help me out here. it's weird though, a part of me misses when i used to stay up all night being destructive then going to bed at 7am and sleeping through the day

nothing clever or funny to say tonight my brain's just all fuzzy sorry to disappoint. love you

Apr 8, 2009

127 i'm in enough trouble man, oh man i'm in trouble again

yyyyyyep so i regret a lot of today. i feel obligated to let everyone know that my process tends to be two steps forward one step back... today was my step back

nothing FABULOUSLY horrid happened i just spent most of the day bored out of my mind, and this generally leaves me feeling depressed/hopeless. i'm so much happier when i'm busy.
to quote a song that pretty well defines me:

i'm a headcase if i don't keep moving,
but my head hurts if i don't sit still


oh also i had ice cream. i am still not able to do this without being drowned in waves of self-disgust and shame and the overwhelming desire to make up for it by either not eating for a week or purging. it is a problem, and i can't decide whether i love it or hate it. pain is a very love/hate thing for me

i'm nervous because tomorrow i'm going to be busy pretty much from the moment i wake up. this knowledge puts my mind in overdrive and i will not be able to sleep tonight, for the third or fourth night in a row. i don't look good with bags under my eyes but BIG SIGH what can i do?????? insomnia's a bitch with an agenda to make me look/feel like the sack of shit i've spent 17 years convincing myself i am



please try to love yourself and never, ever let yourself get to this point

Apr 7, 2009

126



today is going
soooo
so
s
l
o
w

i might have more to say later

Apr 5, 2009

125 hold your breath, little lungs

togetherness



is my favorite word

a day spent with a best friend, laughs and smiles and secretive glances at cute strangers, that chlorine smell and new tan lines and messy wet hair and squinty eyes. later, hoofbeats at night, that thunder rumbling through the earth, a muzzle brushing my hand as my horse takes an apple. now a warm cup of chai tea with milk and honey, chords from acoustic songs reminding me of everything i would have missed out on if i had given in. a reason to wake up in the morning, knowing there is always something so beautiful just around the corner.

the rest of my life is ahead of me, not looming or threatening, just promising.

simply stated... i am happy right now. and for the first time in a long time, i'm not afraid of these feelings.

124

i'm terrible at keeping secrets, but only my own. that's one of my problems. i feel like i've never really had anything to keep to myself and i've been trying to create it, that "deep dark secret" that everyone always asks about, for so long. the problem with this is that i end up doing extremely self-destructive things in an attempt to bring that dark hole into my life.

in the past even my eating disorder wasn't really all that "secret." my parents knew what was happening pretty much the entire time (though probably not to what extent). i rarely, if ever, lied to them about what i had (not) eaten that day. if they asked, i would tell them that, no, i hadn't eaten all day, and no, i did not plan on eating any time soon. i couldn't lie to them.



this is so dangerous for me, i know it is, but i need my OWN secret. i need it, and i think i finally might have found it... but now that i've gotten a taste of happiness, is this what i really want?

Apr 3, 2009

123 (456789...)

you wake up one morning and you're different. you look in the mirror and you feel like you should reach out to shake hands with this new stranger you've just met, this stranger you know everything and nothing about. instead of finding dark undereye circles and uneven skin and ugliness, you find beauty, a shining purity that you could swear never existed before.

you reread the list you wrote a long time ago, that list of things you want to do before you die, and instead of feeling overwhelmed with this impossible challenge, you feel inspired. you are, like all those teachers and parents have told you since the beginning of time, capable of anything you set your mind to. you appreciate the good things in your life and accept the bad.

you laugh without worrying about how you sound. you finally accept that not everybody in the world will like you, but one person who does love you is so much more important than a million who don't.


but all of your feelings are butterflies, irresistably beautiful but so hard to catch and even harder to hold onto, and you just hope they'll still be here when you wake up tomorrow.

Apr 2, 2009

122 and i can't sleep, or at least i'm still awake

i can't sleep. i have a busy day coming up and i'm stressed. the only ways i know how to deal with stress are self-destructive

i feel disgusting right now i JUST want my sleep meds to work tonight, sleep is one of favorite forms of relief