076

while i'm falling asleep words like to tumble around in my brain, i come up with the weirdest sentences! last night it was "i know, that's why i put nail polish tape on their opinions."

oh, about my eating disorder. it feels nice to type that out anywwwwwway, it's been going on for some time. the summer going into my junior year i started to have body image issues, i thought i weighed too much/wanted to change this and that/wasn't skinny enough despite what everyone said, etc.
umm since then i've lost like 35lbs and i'm pretty underweight. it wasn't really bad until recently, probably a month or so ago was when i started restricting bad. i was at about 400 calories/day for a while, and now i'm usually somewhere around 700 or so. yesterday i had 950 and felt disgusting.

( oh yeah i'm not 'allowed' to count calories but i don't care )

i'm not sure why i am this way. three or four years ago, eating disorders were a completely foreign concept, i thought they were vain. i know now, this is not vanity... i don't know what it is but i know what it's not.

i'm terrified of food. i'm more scared of food than i am of pain, of dying, of losing my friends and family, of anything i can think of. i am miiiiiserable right now.

i'm an ungrateful little fuck ugh.

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