Nov 29, 2010

247 ye

the past few months in pictures (not mine, click on the photo and you will be taken to the artist's work, because i am not a picto-thief):








(in the sense of, fuck what the world says, i don't need you to tell me it's okay to listen to bizarro music/do bizarro things/be a bizarro person. not in the sense of fuck the world i'm done i'm killing myself blablah although i do have things to say about that as well.)




i think i've sort of lost my touch with this blogging thing, but it's alright because i'm just a little sailboat alalalaalaaaa,

Nov 28, 2010

246

phew have things CHANGED. i mean, i'm still the same weird too-tall gawky person with a million things to say and no way to say them, but things have changed.

i got my first story published (woo) in a writing competition for my college. i won 1st place in the short story competition even though IMO my story was a piece of shyt to say the least. whatevers. so that got entered in district blablah i'm really not expecting much from that. and i'm not saying that in the way where people say "oh i'm not expecting anything" but secretly are. i really think the story has gone as far as it will go and that is okay because i can write so much better than that junk piece.

i quit my shitty job at the toy store and now i work at (deep breath in) victoria's secret. and i love it. my boss is wonderful and so are my coworkers. also it is only 5 mins (literally) from my house so i can put off getting ready til the last minute and still be there *EARLY.*

got my nose pierced ~like a boss, it's just something i've wanted to do for a very long time and never was brave enough until i said screw the world i'm going to do what i want. i had these two days of "i'm a new woman" and they really did a lot for me actually. i'm so much better than i was a few months ago and that is the truth.

moved my horse to a new barn and we are making insane amounts of progress. love that animal to death, just saying.

finally got wasted at t's birthday a few weeks ago, i don't remember a whole lot except the jim beam and coke (this is coca cola okay) and spilling it on my jeans and changing into pjs then telling m he had amazing taste in music, expressing my undying drunken love for j who i love only as a friend, burning my toes on the fire pit (blisters ensued) and waking up magically without a hangover. thank jeebs. but i do remember telling t before we fell asleep in his bed, we need to not be drunk together you are not taking care of me, though he was, in fact, taking care of me, i just get in this funny little hole when i drink i've noticed.

SO MORE LATER. i'm never gonna give up on this blog i think!

Jul 4, 2010

245 i know that i can stand, my head high, forget not where i fall

still i find why and reason


now that i am in my last year of teendom i've decided to change some things. like doing the Right Thing. i am going to stay on top of my laundry. i won't turn my headphones up too loud. i won't feel angsty listening to all that remains because it takes me back to your car with your golf balls and guitar picks and clif bar wrappers, because you're not the one i should be thinking of. i will go to work early and make small talk with my boss and not clock in early/clock out late to make a few extra bucks. i already broke one of these and it's been less than two minutes, this song ruins me!

i changed my google background to remind me to be more optimistic and not such a debbie downer



it's break time, i'm so out of words it's awful you guys. i'm coughing up my lungs trying to get a good word in (or out) and it's not working anymore, i'm losing my voice because i'm not speaking for myself anymore. i have so much to work on and it's only just beginning

Jul 1, 2010

244

i'm 19 now woooo woo yeah woo yeah yeah wooooo who cares woooooo yeah! 2 years until full legality not that i'm going to do anything about it wooo yeah wooo celebrate good times come on yeah wooo! real update later maybe

oh PS it's ony 10:49pm on june 30th (the date down there VVV is a lie) so technically i am still the birthday princess for one hour and eleven minutes.

Jun 25, 2010

243 the moon and the stars are ganging up on the sun

whenever i begin one of these posts, i never know where it is going to go. maybe i have a few things in mind, but if i do i usually end up not even writing about them. things like i want to make a website and start a writing portfolio, the other day my 6 year old niece legitimately kicked my ass at wii bowling, and i devoured a book in two days which is something i've missed. i spend so much time numbing out! it's time for me to wake up.

i kind of miss my old entries. i used to write about things that mattered, or at least i tried. maybe i tried too hard but at least they turned out alright. i don't know, i guess things change.

i feel like i have an extra layer of skin, right beneath the surface. my second skin is impenetrable, most of the time. when someone pours their soul into me and tells me how they love me, i am numb. it's like a layer of ice, and i don't know how to melt it. i've spent so long building it up. what, 18 years? i'll be 19 soon, in less than a week. 19 years of carving an ice sculpture into my bones, under my skin, so cold sometimes i'm starved for feeling.

sometimes though, the light creeps in and i don't know where it came from but i am in love with the feeling, as in love as i'll ever be with anyone or anything. these are the moments i live for, the moments i can grab hold of and stuff in my pockets and come back to on a rainy day. the ice melts, and i radiate golden heat and my eyes shine. no more mouth coated with guilt, no more dry choking on dust, no more diving into ice. just rays of sun and sounds of summer. i've been having more of these moments lately.



almost a year since t walked into my store after not seeing him for 6 years! amazing, how time changes things. never would i have dreamed that we would be here, now. never would have imagined waking up tangled with him and with my hand pressed against his neck. what do i want? what am i waiting for? what did i leave behind? did i leave anything behind?

i am trying to fall in love, but the ice and the questions are making it so hard. sometimes i am there, ice melted, i am head-over-heels just like in the movies and the books. mostly, though, i am stuck. i don't feel afraid, so i don't know what keeps me here. i always tell you, there's something missing, there's something missing and i need it. my candle isn't lit. i don't know what it is. it's intangible, it has no words, and if it does will you please tell me? how can you do everything so right and still leave me wanting more? am i just insatiable or am i justified in my longings? i don't know, and i'm afraid the only way i'll ever find out will be very, very painful. and it will take a very, very long time.

in the meantime i am trying to stop questioning things that don't need to be questioned. i am trying to let go, have fun. i'm still so young and i have so much ahead of me! i am trying to hold onto the moments that take me away from solitude and discontent, and i am trying to stop running from things that make my heart race, like the treehouse adventures with you:



never would have thought this would be possible. so what am i going to do with it? the clay is in my hands, pliable, soft, warm, and the possibilities are endless. it's going to determine so much but i haven't the faintest clue where to go. i'm counting on you, i'm hoping for the best and not worrying about the worst. i do love you, i am just so unsure of myself.

Jun 19, 2010

242 i title these after i write them

i want to lose 3429013 lbs sometimes. like now. which is silly but it's because i haven't been eating enough and it's fueling the fire. plus i'm pissed at (you) kind of even though it's probably not a big deal. i will blow it out of proportion because that is what i do when i forget how to deal with life and its happenings. right now i'm annoyed because my friend always comes into town at the last minute (after high school she moved to a city a few hours away) and every time she just expects to stay at my place without even asking. how do i tell her i just want to be alone tonight? how do i tell her i just want to be alone most nights? that it's sort of an inconvenience for her to come and stay at my house for 3 days without asking and without warning. i love her but i'm frustrated and i'm trying so hard not to take it out on someone else but then the frustration just sits in my stomach like a hot ball of something toxic and it needs somewhere to go so i take it out on myself and i can't even cry, so the hot ball of toxicity sits and boils and gets hotter and maybe i'll dig into my skin to free just a little bit of it, but i'm trying not to do that. maybe i'll just go to sleep, yeah.


today was too much but I'M TRYING. tomorrow i'll just take it a little easier, not rush headlong into something so foreign-feeling since the waves have taken me down. i have hope i guess, i try anyways. i'll be waking up at 6 to go spend hours and hours at the barn with my mom's new horse (eeee he's cute i am so happy for my mom; there's a part of her that lights up when she's with the horses and she was absolutely heartbroken when she had to say goodbye to her last horse), and of course my lovely lenardo


(i may or may not have uploaded this photo of us before i'm not caring)
so much about this photo before i say bye:
-obviously, my horse, who i credit with saving my life and dragging me out of the darkest times
-it was taken by my best friend at the time, best friend of 8 years and practically a sister, we have both changed so much and there's something big and nameless between us now. we'll probably never get past it
-(too big, too long) brown shirt brought home from my wonderful dad when he got back from a trip to ohio. he always brings me back a (too big, too long) shirt when he goes on trips and i love it because it reminds me of when i was little and used to wear his shirts. the sleeves would go down past my elbows even on short-sleeved shirts and the bottom would be mid-shin.
-um i need to get my hair cut to that length again because ^that was my legit, hasn't-been-touched bedhead. now it's so long it just kind of aldajfahfs tangles itself and kills me.
-nardo is licking my hand up thar

okay night

Jun 15, 2010

241 imagery to up my spirits

i love:
giraffes (my ~soul animal~)

flecks of light and ocean

love, lust, the curve of a warm body

wild, green, freedom, flowers

cute soft little sleepy-eyed kittens

Jun 14, 2010

240

oatmeal with cinnamon and sugar mmmm it burned my tongue but i choose to forgive because it is so delicious and warm and i am so hungry and cold mmmmmm

Jun 10, 2010

239 and the coma you slip into will hold all this against you and you'll learn to bite your tongue when you speak

tonight i'm not going to cheat and use pictures from flickr, you will be seeing ACTUAL photographs from my ACTUAL life \o/ i've just always wanted to use that emoticon thing. and this one \m/ rock on.

hiii it's not late but i'm tired, the time at the bottom of these posts is always off sometimes it's not even on the right day. idk what time it's telling you but it is IN FACT 11:51pm here. and i need to get up by 6 in the morning ~~~enthusiasm***

i'm here to say that i'm just like all of you! i'm really normal. boring, even. i tend to become fascinated with people online through their blogs etc (not a creeper okay i just like getting lost in the life of a stranger from time to time, that's what books are right?!), and i almost put them on this unreal level where they're this ethereal being with perfect-like-honey words and their shoelaces never get worn out. you know why i think this happens? i'm only being exposed to a small part of their world, the part they're willing to share with me. the rest is their own. the people i know in person, especially the ones i'm close to, i see their world for what it is (at least to some extent), i hear them fumble over words because we have no backspace button, we only have our bumbling thoughts and tongue twisters and thoughts that come too fast for our mouths.

if you were to meet me in person, i think, you might not even believe i write this. i'm so normal! my room is a complete mess, my car is scratched up on the doors from the two times i've locked my keys in it and had to break in, i feel INSANELY awkward around people sometimes, i get flushed and embarrassed and hot-cheeked when i stumble over my words (often), my puppy:

chews up my shoes >:(, my phone dies, i don't give two shits about politics, i am insanely flaky when it comes to returning text messages, i have added people i didn't like or didn't even know on facebook just to up my friend count, i get stuck in routine, i hide my face in pictures:
i worry and overanalyze when people take too long to respond to a text/email/whatever because it MUST mean they don't like me right?!?!, and i need to do my laundry before it takes over my room any more. i will even take a picture to illustrate this:



YIKES so yeah i'm pretty typical. my laptop battery is about to die also which is probably a sign from god that i need to go to bed. i think i'm beginning to take a couple steps toward the light, again! this is a constant theme with me, obviously. thanks for sticking in there for those of you who actually read this! it makes me glad to know it hasn't all been in vain.

Jun 6, 2010

238 everybody's trying to be the best, what about the girl with the loneliness

From the inside out
You've changed, girl
You know you have
Don't make a good thing bad
Just let me hold you in my hands




i like adjectives a lot, and soft nouns and i like sad words and words that glow. i want to be a writer, i love to tangle words together and i want to create meaning.

this is an exercise i read about in someone else's blog. you write ten words starting with a, then b, then c, etc. all the way through the alphabet. IT'S TOUGH. and i'm embarrassed to share it especially because at the end when you're writing it you're like well wtf the letter x sucks balls. and so does z. but hey i've got nothing to lose right?@?!?!?? right.


awakened and alive, another amazing accomplishment.
angles are abundant among beautiful bare bones,
bound breathlessly,
broken, brittle beneath boldly blushing crimson,
crushing cadences. cradled cries concealed,
"careful. comparisons can't cure despair."
divine devils dance, delving deeper.
death doesn't dare dream.
emerald eyes evoke emotion,
eventually even expose enigmas.
erase everything.
forever's finite forgiveness flickers,
feathers fall from frailty,
find fever.
faking genuine gratitude, giving girls greatness,
grassy games gave good graves.
heaven has horses, hell harbors heroes
her hands hold his head in ice,
illustrate impossible indifference.
"i ignite, inspire. if it jades, just jump."
judges, juries jeering,
jesting.
juliet's jewels kill kneeling kings,
kindly knit kisses kick keepsakes,
kerosene lights lovers' laughter,
listening like leaves.
lifetime lullabies look lost.
melancholy midnights mean moonlit mourning,
most mothers miss mumbled "mommy"s.
now nightmares need nothing,
neither neverending negativity nor
naivety near opal oceans of omniscient openmindedness.
once obsoletion overcomes optimism,
owls push pessimism,
pretty parades perish.
people pay painful prices,
praying quilted quotations quickly quell queen's quarrels.
quivers quit questioning quaint roads,
rejection, reddened rages replace romance,
revenge results.
races run solely so sorrow stays sleeping,
sprinting soon stops sufficing.
suffering takes time to tear through thick thoughts,
tender tales tossed tensely, unchained, under used up ultimatums.
undone umbrellas unabashedly use uncloaked victims.
virtues vanish, vacancy validates vicious vices.
viper venom visits where whispers wage wars,
we wish we wanted warmth.
xylophones, x-rays, xo's, x's, x-mas, x-ing, xylograph, xeric xanadus, xenolith
your yellow youth yells yesterday's yearning,
you yelp yielding years.
zipping zapping zooming zany zealous zoo zebras zamboni zambezi zebrawood





hi can you tell the x's and z's are just thrown together :) that's okay. i like this (?????!) i actually do! it's nice to be able to say that sigh. i hope all is well with you, readers if i have any. i love you all mwahhh

Jun 1, 2010

237 ssssssskin

spent the weekend in flagstaff with seven other people in a cabin and now i hate them all except for three. well, i was never that enchanted by the rest of them anyways. one night i was so frustrated i slept in my car wrapped up like a cocooned caterpillar in t's sleeping bag and my (used-to-be) white hoodie. and the night before that i was just as much a mess but instead of being raged i was apathetic and crying and trying to get t to let go of me so i could drive home alone for 3 hours in the middle of the night, not that i would have been able to drive



i am not enchanting or delightful or inspiring or interesting or lovely okay. i am a mask. i'm going to have a new scar from a moment of weakness over something so stupid it makes me want to puke and i'm just disgusted with myself, again.



side note i do not get along with girls, at all. i spent the entire weekend avoiding the two girls that were there because i literally cannot be around them. so i am predisposed to disliking half of the world's population AWESOME

also i used the words fuck/shit/asshole/cock/twatface probably 6000 times this weekend and talked bad about someone and laughed when r's droid phone said that s (one of the girls we were camping with) had a face like pig testicles so i'm officially going to hell.

*INTERMISSION HELLO*

.....wow so i wrote all of that yesterday and left it as a draft because i didn't feel finished with it yet. i was exhausted so forgive my excessive whining. instead here are the good things that happened at the cabin:

i sat in a treehouse for the first time in my life !!!
i am apparently a dart-playing fiend/prodigy and also a great scorekeeper
barq's rootbeer enough said
two hour long hike with j and t, discovering a canyon with a creek (i caught a tiny frog in my hand and he was just lovely despite his slimy complexion) and a small cavern where the light was KILLER GORGEOUS



btw i'm just letting you know all of the pictures on here lately have been from flickr so they link through to the original photographer because god knows i'm not that good

yeah other stuff but i'm battling my brain a little so that's it for now. skeet skeet

May 27, 2010

236 so close, so close, forget it 'cause close doesn't count when you're counting on me



okay this is going to sound mean but i dgaf (please take this moment to contemplate and admire my newly implemented badassness). my aunt depresses the hell out of me, the same way going to walmart depresses the hell out of me. i guess it goes like this

when i look into the future i want my eyes to light up and to skip around and be a kid eating a melty hershey's bar forever. but when i fall into mediocrity (reality?) i realize that it won't always be like that. my hershey's bar will become a non-fat mocha with soymilk and a shot of espresso and my eyes will sink to the ground and i'll be gray and boring and old. i try not to think this way but my brain is stronger than me, i'll admit that. when i look at my aunt, her misery sinks into me and i wonder, what if i turn out like her. she just sits up all night and watches her soaps and goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in with her eyes so tired and her heart so heavy.

she's been living with us for over a year when it was supposed to be 6 months. when she walks in the door she lets in the rainclouds, that's the only way i can describe it. i hate it. i mean, maybe i'm being selfish, but i really want this house to feel the same, and it won't as long as she's here. she's supposed to be leaving soon and i'll shake my head when she says "thanks again for everything, i'm sure you've gotten sick of having me around..." which i have, but i'll never tell her, even though she knows.


ho hum, i hate to write anymore about this. i also hate that i use the word hate so much. it's intoxicating the air around me!!!!!! or something whatever yeah...

i had a poem-ish piece i wanted to post but since it's on my computer (which i do not have access to, long story) i can't post it. i like it, but you might not, it's kind of strange and it's not really meant to be understood. which i like.



there's a small mosquito on the computer screen
my right ankle is going numbbbbbbbbunbmbmwsjdnfsn
i need to sleep

May 22, 2010

235 mwah

i'm going to talk about sex. sex and your body, your mind, your heart. they're all different. they can happen at the same time, obviously the body is a must-have unless you are the girl from 40 days and 40 nights and can orgasm from a guy blowing a flower petal across your stomach.




i love sex, i can't imagine not loving it, and i don't think that's shameful. but i also can't imagine being able to enjoy sex just with my body, i can't imagine something else not being present. since i was little i've always felt that way. at the time i couldn't even fathom the process, but i always held it on a pedestal. it was a Big Deal. (it still is.) my eyes widened at the thought of willingly giving that much of yourself to somebody. even in high school i couldn't grasp it, though i knew the people around me were having sex, ditching class to do it in the parking lot in their boyfriend's raised truck, sneaking into the raquetball courts at the community college and giving blowjobs.


my best friend in 9th grade got a blowjob from his girlfriend and dumped her minutes after because she apparently was inexperienced and couldn't get him to cum (some gentleman of a best friend i had, TANGENT he sold my PS2 and my games for drug money and tried to console me by saying it was a shitty high anyway) but i was just disgusted by that! people put so much emphasis on the physical aspects that they forget about the rest. granted the physical parts are wonderful, but if they're not backed by something more, they're essentially worthless once the shaking and the sweating and the biting and kissing are over, and then what? you're lying naked next to someone and you just want to hide because now everything they wanted from you has been given and laid out on the table and you've got nothing left for them, until the next time their desire tops out and bubbles over and they're kissing your neck again.



my favorite part about sex isn't the orgasm or the shaking or my toes curling, it's the warmth of skin on skin, the impossible closeness, lying afterward with my nose pressed to his neck just above his collarbone, his heartbeat against my chest, knowing i could say anything and it would be okay. i love the way i feel like i'm going to literally melt into him and i could lie in his arms forever and be safe, and i love slow kisses and kissing his eyelids, his forehead, his cheeks. my favorite part about it is not in receiving physical gratification but in giving myself wholly to someone i trust and love and not being afraid to do so. i feel sad that people treat it so casually but i guess everybody's process is different.


we talked in philosophy about how sex is a sign and seal of love. how a physical union is not complete without a spiritual union. maybe corny or old-fashioned but i'm okay with being corny and old-fashioned this time. that doesn't mean i can't dress up in sexy matching lingerie and do the dirty things they talk about in cosmo! sorry for the tmi but you know.

okay i'm going to post this now without reading through it and editing it (this is my new rule) because otherwise i'll delete everything and start over and this will end up being about something completely boring. ciao or summat

May 19, 2010

234 bones are broken and the will is sunk, how did everything get so fucked up?

it's really hard to smile sometimes. i'm trying you guys i promise i am.

my words feel like shit, it's like swallowing sand when i want to get something down on paper. mostly i'm trying not to kill myself still which sounds awfully pathetic but it's a lot harder than it sounds. i know suicide is selfish and it's a coward's way out whatever, i've heard all the lectures and i've seen families crying because how could someone so close to them be so alone and so desperate?


i'd honestly like to be able to tell you that when i'm in that place, i can see in my head a forest of dark trees and bare branches and black sky and old wet leaves crunched into dead soil but i don't see ANYTHING. there is nothing, when i'm depressed there is nothing but saltwater and red. i'd like to be able to tell you that i see something more, but it's just the feeling of being trapped. i'm going to deal with this MY WHOLE LIFE. there is no way around it. and sometimes i can't handle that, because i'm sick of being a slave to brain chemistry. it's not that i don't know it will get better. i know it will! by tomorrow maybe. the problem is i'm terrified of being happy because i know what will happen afterwards. it's like a punishment.

it is literally impossible to look up when you are sunk in chemical depression. i fucking hate that people think it's a choice and i should just look up inspirational quotes and take a walk and soak up some vitamin d. sorry but what a joke. you know what i'm talking about if you've gone through it.

i don't know if i can do this, i'm being honest. i hope i can and i guess that counts for something. i'm scared though.

May 17, 2010

233 a change of meds is in order

friday: wake up happy, phone call, major meltdown, near suicide, call mother in tears asking her to please come home and save me from myself and the bottle of pills rattling in my shaking hands, calm down, clean up, dinner and a milkshake with mom, get pissed at self and self's brainfucks

saturday: wake up somewhat calm, plans in place for afternoon, ride my lovely horse early in the morning, smile and jitterdance all the way home, take shower, prepare to leave house to meet with friends, read something, feel left out, make phone call, begin bawling in the car, near suicide, almost drive off road into canal, keep crying, still on phone, the demons in my brain the demons in my brain i can't do this i just can't do this it hurts so bad, "please baby please turn around come to my house please just listen stay on the phone with me come to my house don't do this," turn around, arrive, cry in arms, calm down, regain composure, meet with friends, laugh and shop and joke for 6 hours, never missed a beat, like nothing ever happened. like nothing ever fucking happened.





i'm honestly going to be amazed if i make it to 25 what the FUCK

May 13, 2010

232 i've been saying i dig things a lot lately

so i keep getting invited to go out ~clubbing~ with this guy which if you know me is a BIG LAFF. it's not really my scene i guess, i don't like music so loud i can't hear anybody to know whether they're calling me fat or saying they like my ass. it sounds pretty much the same in those places.

anyways this guy we'll call him angelo even though that's not even close to his name, i don't really know him but he sent me a picture of him with his shirt off wearing just a corona towel around his waist. he's 25 which is 7 years older than me and he has a kid and he's kind of a party boy (plus he's mega short which can be a dealbreaker for me considering my giraffe-like height), so naturally i am *not interested.* but instead of telling him all that i just explained that i'm in relationship limbo, so to speak, and that i'm not really up for anything of that nature, at which point he proceeded to tell me that there's no commitment with him ever so i shouldn't worry. i kind of laughed because i already knew there was no commitment, you can tell right away. idk if he just wants to sleep with me (yes yes yes) or if he's actually into me (no no no) but i think it's the former.

so i don't really have anything to say except i'm getting ready for work and my boss is a mega bitch. don't care if she reads this because i'm going to quit once i find another job, not that she would read it anyways. i've been getting 4 hours a week 4 HOURS at barely above min wage and she's redheaded which is okay and crazy inconsistently passive aggressive which is not okay.

okay?


i dig this

May 8, 2010

231

i'm just tired and i keep slipping up, one day at a time is too slow for me. last night i cried because i was too scared to eat the rocky road ice cream in the freezer, it used to be my favorite. i'm sick, and i mean in a couple ways.

i have a cold or something like it and i keep coughing and my nose is all raw but that pales in comparison to the fact that...

my mind is all twisted and confused, it can't decide between mania and depression. and to top it all off...

i feel like losing about 50lbs which is not feasible considering i'm already at the low end of my bmi but who cares about that when you have body dysmorphia!!!!!


May 5, 2010

230 leaving room typos tpyos toyps

so i'm in my computer class and it's almost over and i'll never see these faces again. i have a 93.43% but i don't know how because normally i am the Ultimate Procrastinator. technically i could leave right now but i am just so comfortable and my fingers are kind of just going going going and i'm not goig to use the backspace buttion.

i wihs wish i could show my facde. face, facade, both i guess. i lied about not using the backspace butto n because i am tired and it's hard to type with craaaazy nails anmd this keyboard STINKS.

i hate the taste of alcohol i just do. i feel like i'm swallowing nail polish remover. i should go up to flag and stay with my friend V and get drunk on her vodka mix that tastes like vanilla cupcakes. the other night in the back of my car i was wearing th e infamous red sofees and i was with you and i took a sip of that awful brandy which wqas old and had been sitting in your friend's cabinet and i made funny faces because3 it burned my throat. my legs were wrapped around the head rest of the front passenger seat and my legs are oh so white like ghosts.

/i can make the simplesdt of times sound somewhat unreal sometimes if i try, the tequila wasn't so bad and later i liked how my chest felt warm. i fell asleep on your chest and you were breathing deep, sometimes in your sleep you stop breathing and it scares me and i want to wake you up but i can't because i imagine your dream,s are so beautiful, filled with musioc and colors and maybe me

May 4, 2010

229 this is me admitting to you how weird i am:

in 5
4
3
2
1......

facts about today:

i smell good
my outfit received general approval from everyone in the world woop woop
my hair is relatively tame
the rest of the semester is going to be a breeeeeZe
i took a nap
i am hungry
you were the first thing i saw this morning
and snuggling
my blog entries are more or less shit now because i'm too lazy to care sometimes
i have reason to believe nobody will ever be able to replace you

AND THESE ARE THE SCARIEST THING EVER


braaaaaaar hello i am mr. coconut crab i am the world's largest living anthropod and i feast on small children and i can smell your fearrrr

May 3, 2010

228 shhhmungle

i feel _______ when i hang out with him but i'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of you

guilty
regretful
cold
confused
like i'll never get out of this mess

d'uuuuuuuughhhhhh

May 1, 2010

227 nightmare pills

i fucked up my meds today,
:(((((((


stilllll struggling with body image shit. well not even body image so much as just this sick gross feeling i get after i've eaten and i'm full. guilt manifests itself into physical discomfort after so long, sometimes after i eat i feel like i should cry which is dumb. i haven't been restricting and i haven't purged in over 8 months but the other day i almost did. i'm always going to be in recovery, you know? it's never just gonna be gone. that's alright though i mean you get used to it and it's a lot brighter than it used to be in my head.

so tired but i can't sleep. ignoring text messages. probably going to cut up a magazine and make something. i need to start reading again, and making things. my horse's hoof was bleeding tonight, :( sigh.




my puppy is sleeeeeeepin. her name is bubbles look at how cute she is:






pound puppy we rescued her on 12/23/09. and she is the cutest thing ever. i snuggle with her at night because she's warm and soft and she likes to snuggle. okay that is all

Apr 26, 2010

226 your love is gonna drown

i'm at the community college i love it and hate it here sometimes. 40 minutes til my next class i might just ditch. i feel fat today my jeans are tight i don't wanna eat lunch but i might. my purse is on the table in front of me, kinda too close to the guy sitting next to me but i don't wanna move it because then what will he think?! why do i care?!

i'm really frustrated this morning. are you WILDLY jealous of anyone? i can think of a couple. it's pretty bad because i end up comparing to the point of making myself sick. it's rough but it's hard to stop. i mean i'm a lot better than i was but i still fixate on stupid things like how pretty someone else is and how that somehow makes me lesser of a person, even though i know it really doesn't. i wish i could tell you.

stream of consciousness WHAT'SUPPP

choking on limbs, i'm half empty today but i feel all the way full. i swallow trees and my skeleton is made of ivory branches and my feet stick to the ground. roots sink into the soil from my skin and i'm stuck here and that girl had my jeans!!! i lose focus too fast, i think too fast and i move too slow. my sails are still with no wind to push them through this water. it's deep and it's starting to look black and it gets cold at night. goosebumps write me stories and talk to me about what it was like a year ago, with wolves nipping my ankles whenever i tried to give in. i always had bandages above my feet, soaked through with blood and ripped to shreds again by the teeth biting down to my bones. it's hard not to listen to the goosebu mps sometimes but they're just trying to kill me! trying to make me give in and go back to the near-comatose state that landed me in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and consciousness. click your heels and run away and when you trip get back up because that's all you can do if you don't want to stay stuck here and melt into the dirt. the rain never felt so good on my skin, i just want to live in a star.

Apr 23, 2010

225 senselessness for the sake of sleep

it's never winter here! i'm tired. i'm hhhungry but i'm shirtless so i'm not going to go into the kitchen to get food. i'm that lazy. i need to wash my makeup off but sleep sounds good. sleep drugs. why, when i am emotionally unavailable, does everyone with a penis suddenly decide i'm appealing? i only love one boy, he's still my brightest light and you will never ever be him. sorryh, and i don't like your shoes or the way you touch my leg when we're in your car! i do like looking up baby animals on google. did you know you can type "foofle.com" in the address bar and it will take you to google? or gewgle or googel and some other variations i'm sure.



i know what the fuck is something so cute doing here in this blog i just needed some lightening up!!!!! cutes

Apr 18, 2010

224 i wish that i could follow through

i know that your love is true and deep as the sea

^ not me sry just love that picture....

um, this is for t. i'm going to miss you so fucking much. i'm going to miss us, the way we were together, so fucking much. if i'm honest with myself this was the right thing to do but it still baffles me what a beautiful fucking human being you are. i have NEVER felt so loved by anybody! promise me you will always be in my life. i would give anything for you to hold me right now

Apr 16, 2010

223



umm what sleep?!
i'll be back soon..........

Apr 11, 2010

222 oh sunday



i can feel words swimming through my veins. they electrify and inspire and sometimes horrify me. i want to be able to express myself. i'm transferring from the local community college to the closest university (asu/#1 party school unghhh) to enter the creative writing program asap. i'm only 18 but i'm already going to be a junior in college next semester!? i have so much life ahead of me! i'm still so young.

sundays are lazy. sundays are for old ripped up jeans and sloppy white tank tops and not caring about chipped nail polish. sundays are for downloading tons of new music and only liking three songs. sundays are for no makeup and rubbing your eyes all you want! and for choppy poetry that doesn't flow or rhyme or matter. emptying your words just for the sake of emptying them, to make room for more. birds, little, dark, shoes, crimson, blush legs beauty wistful dust ribcage sad white freckle ghost

Apr 10, 2010

221

damn you know that group of kids from your high school that were all tan and the girls had blonde hair and high heels and tight jeans, and the guys all had muscles and nice shirts and white teeth and they smelled good? you know, they partied on the weekends and had hundreds of pictures of beer pong and drunkenness on their myspace, and they had casual sex just cause. you know those kids?


THIS IS WHAT THEY TURN INTO


sorry snookums you orange stout little person i'm throwing you to the wolves PEACE

Apr 8, 2010

220 flying to the sun without a plane when you're here

CAN YOU BELIEVE...

-it's been over a year since i came home from mirasol. (i still have vivid dreams about it, like i've gone back and everything is almost the same.) i still credit it with being the push i needed to save my life! i guarantee if it had not been for that place i would have disappeared a long time ago

-i eat now! like a normal person more or less, when i'm hungry i eat and when i'm full i stop. well okay sometimes. and i don't throw up my feelings anymore or starve until i can't stand up. i mostly eat breakfast foods all day but hey i just love breakfast

-i've opened up to someone. completely. (by choice!!!!!!! wtf did you know i was capable of that, me neither) he knows everything there is to know about me and more, from my crazy black and white brain down to the tiny bump in the middle of my head right where my skin meets my hairline. he's become my best friend and more and as scary as it's been i've learned that there are people out there who will love you for everything you are, whether you're made up and dressed up and shining or you're raw and broken down and ready to give up.



i have so much to say. taking some time away from this was probably good for me, i needed to gather thoughts instead of forcing myself to write things that meant nothing just for the sake of having something to post.

i hope all is well with you, whoever you are, i'm not sure how many people will ever read this again but it's here!



i am so HaPpY ASKDhsKHdsakfhsahdahb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apr 7, 2010

219 hello!

i still exist, you know. i can't believe how long it's been since i started this! i might be back, i've missed you, blog who cannot talk back