beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

the past few months in pictures (not mine, click on the photo and you will be taken to the artist's work, because i am not a picto-thief): (in the sense of, fuck what the world says, i don't need you to tell me it's okay to listen to bizarro music/do bizarro things/be a bizarro person. not in the sense of fuck the world i'm done i'm killing myself blablah although i do have things to say about that as well.) i think i've sort of lost my touch with this blogging thing, but it's alright because i'm just a little sailboat alalalaalaaaa,

phew have things CHANGED. i mean, i'm still the same weird too-tall gawky person with a million things to say and no way to say them, but things have changed. i got my first story published (woo) in a writing competition for my college. i won 1st place in the short story competition even though IMO my story was a piece of shyt to say the least. whatevers. so that got entered in district blablah i'm really not expecting much from that. and i'm not saying that in the way where people say "oh i'm not expecting anything" but secretly are. i really think the story has gone as far as it will go and that is okay because i can write so much better than that junk piece. i quit my shitty job at the toy store and now i work at (deep breath in) victoria's secret. and i love it. my boss is wonderful and so are my coworkers. also it is only 5 mins (literally) from my house so i can put off getting ready til the last minute and still be there *EARLY.* got my nose pierced

still i find why and reason now that i am in my last year of teendom i've decided to change some things. like doing the Right Thing. i am going to stay on top of my laundry. i won't turn my headphones up too loud. i won't feel angsty listening to all that remains because it takes me back to your car with your golf balls and guitar picks and clif bar wrappers, because you're not the one i should be thinking of. i will go to work early and make small talk with my boss and not clock in early/clock out late to make a few extra bucks. i already broke one of these and it's been less than two minutes, this song ruins me! i changed my google background to remind me to be more optimistic and not such a debbie downer it's break time, i'm so out of words it's awful you guys. i'm coughing up my lungs trying to get a good word in (or out) and it's not working anymore, i'm losing my voice because i'm not speaking for myself anymore. i have so much to w

i'm 19 now woooo woo yeah woo yeah yeah wooooo who cares woooooo yeah! 2 years until full legality not that i'm going to do anything about it wooo yeah wooo celebrate good times come on yeah wooo! real update later maybe oh PS it's ony 10:49pm on june 30th (the date down there VVV is a lie) so technically i am still the birthday princess for one hour and eleven minutes.

whenever i begin one of these posts, i never know where it is going to go. maybe i have a few things in mind, but if i do i usually end up not even writing about them. things like i want to make a website and start a writing portfolio, the other day my 6 year old niece legitimately kicked my ass at wii bowling, and i devoured a book in two days which is something i've missed. i spend so much time numbing out! it's time for me to wake up. i kind of miss my old entries. i used to write about things that mattered, or at least i tried. maybe i tried too hard but at least they turned out alright. i don't know, i guess things change. i feel like i have an extra layer of skin, right beneath the surface. my second skin is impenetrable, most of the time. when someone pours their soul into me and tells me how they love me, i am numb. it's like a layer of ice, and i don't know how to melt it. i've spent so long building it up. what, 18 years? i'll be 19 soon, in less t

i want to lose 3429013 lbs sometimes. like now. which is silly but it's because i haven't been eating enough and it's fueling the fire. plus i'm pissed at (you) kind of even though it's probably not a big deal. i will blow it out of proportion because that is what i do when i forget how to deal with life and its happenings. right now i'm annoyed because my friend always comes into town at the last minute (after high school she moved to a city a few hours away) and every time she just expects to stay at my place without even asking. how do i tell her i just want to be alone tonight? how do i tell her i just want to be alone most nights? that it's sort of an inconvenience for her to come and stay at my house for 3 days without asking and without warning. i love her but i'm frustrated and i'm trying so hard not to take it out on someone else but then the frustration just sits in my stomach like a hot ball of something toxic and it needs somewhere to go

i love: giraffes (my ~soul animal~) flecks of light and ocean love, lust, the curve of a warm body wild, green, freedom, flowers cute soft little sleepy-eyed kittens

oatmeal with cinnamon and sugar mmmm it burned my tongue but i choose to forgive because it is so delicious and warm and i am so hungry and cold mmmmmm

tonight i'm not going to cheat and use pictures from flickr, you will be seeing ACTUAL photographs from my ACTUAL life \o/ i've just always wanted to use that emoticon thing. and this one \m/ rock on. hiii it's not late but i'm tired, the time at the bottom of these posts is always off sometimes it's not even on the right day. idk what time it's telling you but it is IN FACT 11:51pm here. and i need to get up by 6 in the morning ~~~enthusiasm*** i'm here to say that i'm just like all of you! i'm really normal. boring, even. i tend to become fascinated with people online through their blogs etc (not a creeper okay i just like getting lost in the life of a stranger from time to time, that's what books are right?!), and i almost put them on this unreal level where they're this ethereal being with perfect-like-honey words and their shoelaces never get worn out. you know why i think this happens? i'm only being exposed to a small part of their

From the inside out You've changed, girl You know you have Don't make a good thing bad Just let me hold you in my hands i like adjectives a lot, and soft nouns and i like sad words and words that glow. i want to be a writer, i love to tangle words together and i want to create meaning. this is an exercise i read about in someone else's blog. you write ten words starting with a, then b, then c, etc. all the way through the alphabet. IT'S TOUGH. and i'm embarrassed to share it especially because at the end when you're writing it you're like well wtf the letter x sucks balls. and so does z. but hey i've got nothing to lose right?@?!?!?? right. awakened and alive, another amazing accomplishment. angles are abundant among beautiful bare bones, bound breathlessly, broken, brittle beneath boldly blushing crimson, crushing cadences. cradled cries concealed, "careful. comparisons can't cure despair." divine devils dance, delving deeper. death doesn&

spent the weekend in flagstaff with seven other people in a cabin and now i hate them all except for three. well, i was never that enchanted by the rest of them anyways. one night i was so frustrated i slept in my car wrapped up like a cocooned caterpillar in t's sleeping bag and my (used-to-be) white hoodie. and the night before that i was just as much a mess but instead of being raged i was apathetic and crying and trying to get t to let go of me so i could drive home alone for 3 hours in the middle of the night, not that i would have been able to drive i am not enchanting or delightful or inspiring or interesting or lovely okay. i am a mask. i'm going to have a new scar from a moment of weakness over something so stupid it makes me want to puke and i'm just disgusted with myself, again. side note i do not get along with girls, at all. i spent the entire weekend avoiding the two girls that were there because i literally cannot be around them. so i am predisposed to dislik

okay this is going to sound mean but i dgaf (please take this moment to contemplate and admire my newly implemented badassness). my aunt depresses the hell out of me, the same way going to walmart depresses the hell out of me. i guess it goes like this when i look into the future i want my eyes to light up and to skip around and be a kid eating a melty hershey's bar forever. but when i fall into mediocrity (reality?) i realize that it won't always be like that. my hershey's bar will become a non-fat mocha with soymilk and a shot of espresso and my eyes will sink to the ground and i'll be gray and boring and old. i try not to think this way but my brain is stronger than me, i'll admit that. when i look at my aunt, her misery sinks into me and i wonder, what if i turn out like her. she just sits up all night and watches her soaps and goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in with her eyes so tired and her heart so heavy. she's been living with us for over a

i'm going to talk about sex. sex and your body, your mind, your heart. they're all different. they can happen at the same time, obviously the body is a must-have unless you are the girl from 40 days and 40 nights and can orgasm from a guy blowing a flower petal across your stomach. i love sex, i can't imagine not loving it, and i don't think that's shameful. but i also can't imagine being able to enjoy sex just with my body, i can't imagine something else not being present. since i was little i've always felt that way. at the time i couldn't even fathom the process, but i always held it on a pedestal. it was a Big Deal. (it still is.) my eyes widened at the thought of willingly giving that much of yourself to somebody. even in high school i couldn't grasp it, though i knew the people around me were having sex, ditching class to do it in the parking lot in their boyfriend's raised truck, sneaking into the raquetball courts at the community col

it's really hard to smile sometimes. i'm trying you guys i promise i am. my words feel like shit, it's like swallowing sand when i want to get something down on paper. mostly i'm trying not to kill myself still which sounds awfully pathetic but it's a lot harder than it sounds. i know suicide is selfish and it's a coward's way out whatever, i've heard all the lectures and i've seen families crying because how could someone so close to them be so alone and so desperate? i'd honestly like to be able to tell you that when i'm in that place, i can see in my head a forest of dark trees and bare branches and black sky and old wet leaves crunched into dead soil but i don't see ANYTHING. there is nothing, when i'm depressed there is nothing but saltwater and red. i'd like to be able to tell you that i see something more, but it's just the feeling of being trapped. i'm going to deal with this MY WHOLE LIFE. there is no way around i

friday : wake up happy, phone call, major meltdown, near suicide, call mother in tears asking her to please come home and save me from myself and the bottle of pills rattling in my shaking hands, calm down, clean up, dinner and a milkshake with mom, get pissed at self and self's brainfucks saturday : wake up somewhat calm, plans in place for afternoon, ride my lovely horse early in the morning, smile and jitterdance all the way home, take shower, prepare to leave house to meet with friends, read something, feel left out, make phone call, begin bawling in the car, near suicide, almost drive off road into canal, keep crying, still on phone, the demons in my brain the demons in my brain i can't do this i just can't do this it hurts so bad, "please baby please turn around come to my house please just listen stay on the phone with me come to my house don't do this," turn around, arrive, cry in arms, calm down, regain composure, meet with friends, laugh and shop and

so i keep getting invited to go out ~clubbing~ with this guy which if you know me is a BIG LAFF. it's not really my scene i guess, i don't like music so loud i can't hear anybody to know whether they're calling me fat or saying they like my ass. it sounds pretty much the same in those places. anyways this guy we'll call him angelo even though that's not even close to his name, i don't really know him but he sent me a picture of him with his shirt off wearing just a corona towel around his waist. he's 25 which is 7 years older than me and he has a kid and he's kind of a party boy (plus he's mega short which can be a dealbreaker for me considering my giraffe-like height), so naturally i am *not interested.* but instead of telling him all that i just explained that i'm in relationship limbo, so to speak, and that i'm not really up for anything of that nature, at which point he proceeded to tell me that there's no commitment with him ever

i'm just tired and i keep slipping up, one day at a time is too slow for me. last night i cried because i was too scared to eat the rocky road ice cream in the freezer, it used to be my favorite. i'm sick, and i mean in a couple ways. i have a cold or something like it and i keep coughing and my nose is all raw but that pales in comparison to the fact that... my mind is all twisted and confused, it can't decide between mania and depression. and to top it all off... i feel like losing about 50lbs which is not feasible considering i'm already at the low end of my bmi but who cares about that when you have body dysmorphia!!!!!

so i'm in my computer class and it's almost over and i'll never see these faces again. i have a 93.43% but i don't know how because normally i am the Ultimate Procrastinator. technically i could leave right now but i am just so comfortable and my fingers are kind of just going going going and i'm not goig to use the backspace buttion. i wihs wish i could show my facde. face, facade, both i guess. i lied about not using the backspace butto n because i am tired and it's hard to type with craaaazy nails anmd this keyboard STINKS. i hate the taste of alcohol i just do. i feel like i'm swallowing nail polish remover. i should go up to flag and stay with my friend V and get drunk on her vodka mix that tastes like vanilla cupcakes. the other night in the back of my car i was wearing th e infamous red sofees and i was with you and i took a sip of that awful brandy which wqas old and had been sitting in your friend's cabinet and i made funny faces because3 it bur

in 5 4 3 2 1...... facts about today: i smell good my outfit received general approval from everyone in the world woop woop my hair is relatively tame the rest of the semester is going to be a breeeeeZe i took a nap i am hungry you were the first thing i saw this morning i love this website and snuggling my blog entries are more or less shit now because i'm too lazy to care sometimes i have reason to believe nobody will ever be able to replace you AND THESE ARE THE SCARIEST THING EVER braaaaaaar hello i am mr. coconut crab i am the world's largest living anthropod and i feast on small children and i can smell your fearrrr

i feel _______ when i hang out with him but i'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of you guilty regretful cold confused like i'll never get out of this mess d'uuuuuuuughhhhhh

i fucked up my meds today, :((((((( stilllll struggling with body image shit. well not even body image so much as just this sick gross feeling i get after i've eaten and i'm full. guilt manifests itself into physical discomfort after so long, sometimes after i eat i feel like i should cry which is dumb. i haven't been restricting and i haven't purged in over 8 months but the other day i almost did. i'm always going to be in recovery, you know? it's never just gonna be gone. that's alright though i mean you get used to it and it's a lot brighter than it used to be in my head. so tired but i can't sleep. ignoring text messages. probably going to cut up a magazine and make something. i need to start reading again, and making things. my horse's hoof was bleeding tonight, :( sigh. my puppy is sleeeeeeepin. her name is bubbles look at how cute she is: pound puppy we rescued her on 12/23/09. and she is the cu t es t t h in g ev er . i snuggle with her a

i'm at the community college i love it and hate it here sometimes. 40 minutes til my next class i might just ditch. i feel fat today my jeans are tight i don't wanna eat lunch but i might. my purse is on the table in front of me, kinda too close to the guy sitting next to me but i don't wanna move it because then what will he think?! why do i care?! i'm really frustrated this morning. are you WILDLY jealous of anyone? i can think of a couple. it's pretty bad because i end up comparing to the point of making myself sick. it's rough but it's hard to stop. i mean i'm a lot better than i was but i still fixate on stupid things like how pretty someone else is and how that somehow makes me lesser of a person, even though i know it really doesn't. i wish i could tell you. stream of consciousness WHAT'SUPPP choking on limbs, i'm half empty today but i feel all the way full. i swallow trees and my skeleton is made of ivory branches and my feet stick t

it's never winter here! i'm tired. i'm hhhungry but i'm shirtless so i'm not going to go into the kitchen to get food. i'm that lazy. i need to wash my makeup off but sleep sounds good. sleep drugs. why, when i am emotionally unavailable, does everyone with a penis suddenly decide i'm appealing? i only love one boy, he's still my brightest light and you will never ever be him. sorryh, and i don't like your shoes or the way you touch my leg when we're in your car! i do like looking up baby animals on google. did you know you can type "foofle.com" in the address bar and it will take you to google? or gewgle or googel and some other variations i'm sure. i know what the fuck is something so cute doing here in this blog i just needed some lightening up!!!!! cutes

i know that your love is true and deep as the sea ^ not me sry just love that picture.... um, this is for t. i'm going to miss you so fucking much. i'm going to miss us, the way we were together, so fucking much. if i'm honest with myself this was the right thing to do but it still baffles me what a beautiful fucking human being you are. i have NEVER felt so loved by anybody! promise me you will always be in my life. i would give anything for you to hold me right now

umm what sleep?! i'll be back soon..........

i can feel words swimming through my veins. they electrify and inspire and sometimes horrify me. i want to be able to express myself. i'm transferring from the local community college to the closest university (asu/#1 party school unghhh) to enter the creative writing program asap. i'm only 18 but i'm already going to be a junior in college next semester!? i have so much life ahead of me! i'm still so young. sundays are lazy. sundays are for old ripped up jeans and sloppy white tank tops and not caring about chipped nail polish. sundays are for downloading tons of new music and only liking three songs. sundays are for no makeup and rubbing your eyes all you want! and for choppy poetry that doesn't flow or rhyme or matter. emptying your words just for the sake of emptying them, to make room for more. birds, little, dark, shoes, crimson, blush legs beauty wistful dust ribcage sad white freckle ghost

damn you know that group of kids from your high school that were all tan and the girls had blonde hair and high heels and tight jeans, and the guys all had muscles and nice shirts and white teeth and they smelled good? you know, they partied on the weekends and had hundreds of pictures of beer pong and drunkenness on their myspace, and they had casual sex just cause. you know those kids? THIS IS WHAT THEY TURN INTO sorry snookums you orange stout little person i'm throwing you to the wolves PEACE

CAN YOU BELIEVE... -it's been over a year since i came home from mirasol. (i still have vivid dreams about it, like i've gone back and everything is almost the same.) i still credit it with being the push i needed to save my life! i guarantee if it had not been for that place i would have disappeared a long time ago -i eat now! like a normal person more or less, when i'm hungry i eat and when i'm full i stop. well okay sometimes. and i don't throw up my feelings anymore or starve until i can't stand up. i mostly eat breakfast foods all day but hey i just love breakfast -i've opened up to someone. completely. (by choice!!!!!!! wtf did you know i was capable of that, me neither) he knows everything there is to know about me and more, from my crazy black and white brain down to the tiny bump in the middle of my head right where my skin meets my hairline. he's become my best friend and more and as scary as it's been i've learned that there are people

i still exist, you know. i can't believe how long it's been since i started this! i might be back, i've missed you, blog who cannot talk back