beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

i'm sick with guilt whenever my posts are dreary, i think about the people who read this and say it gives them hope or makes them smile and feel like i'm letting them down. i'm not responsible for anyone else's emotions blahblahblah but i always feel like i am. i wrote this a long time ago, i've been debating whether or not to post it but heeeeey why not Your collarbones are anchors keeping me here, grounded, and they are wings lifting me into light and sky and words floating around our heads. Fingers wrapped around our hearts. Our feet move with quiet deliberation to the sounds put forth by the black box across the room, and you can see the notes floating, the colors and lights are brighter with our eyes closed so we keep them that way. And we sway and we sway and the sun is jealous of my eyes for the shine in them, my knees are bruised but my cheeks glow and my heart is filled with your smiles and the ocean. Still with angels pressing my eyelids down soft, I can s

my five year old niece just asked me who my best friend is and i said i don't know, i never thought this would be me, living in a shell too tired to even care about getting out of it i'm spectacular at making the ugliest shit out of the most beautiful things

maybe later

into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white ugh, this fucking headache. and i am disgusted with myself again. everything hurts i'm bleeding out the brain i'm pretty sure and it's not even late but i'm about to turn out the hotel light and sleep in my jeans. hair falling in my eyes forget i'm breathing i can feel my bones grinding and i just want to go home right now, i just want to go home she says, "shh, i know, i know it's only in my head" but the girl on the car in the parking lot says "man, you should try to take a shot can't you see my walls are crumbling?" then she looks up at the building, says "i'm thinking of jumping," she says, "i'm sick and tired of life" everybody's tired of something when did this happen and why does that inevitable ghost always seep into my skin and freeze my bones when the sun has just begun to warm me again

i slept for three hours and now it feels like morning. naps turn my day upside down, i feel like it's early morning, so early it's still dark out, and i should be going somewhere on a plane or a long car ride with pillows and sleeping on someone's shoulder in the backseat. headphones in, eyes closed, world flying by outside and i wouldn't even know (by Könrad ) when i woke up i heard my mom and my aunt in the living room talking about when their mom died. they were really young, my mom was 17 and my aunt was even younger. my aunt said how she felt empty, my mom talked about how there was so much food left over after the funeral and how at her graduation she was so lonely because her mom wasn't there. the conversation somehow ended with my aunt complaining about her professor who says 'fuck' ten times every class. i got up and made some cereal and walked back into my room and was wondering if i have mono because i've been so tired, i feel like i could sle