Jul 31, 2009

188

such a headache so sorry i'm really sorry sorry sorry really need some help always ruin everyithng

Jul 29, 2009

187 the nights are forever, i can't get to sleep. and i know there's a reason, i'm in this too deep

just so you know i've always been jealous of you too. i've always seen you as so beautiful and pure of heart and with nothing but dedication and a will to do what's right. and me, i was the one who gave the impression of being a lovely wonderful bright girl but i knew (i know) that inside i'm just a lie. i am not a golden girl, i am muddied and i envy and i manipulate and nothing's ever good enough. you worked and i had things given to me. i fucking hate saying that. i hate admitting that i think you are a better person than i am but i do. you are. and the more time goes by the stronger that gets. i feel like you're growing and becoming greater and i'm slipping back and becoming weaker.
but as much as i think that i know that i've dealt with a lot. so don't think i am choosing destruction over the one thing i love. i've come back literally from within seconds of killing myself and i've done it because
i have wings

Jul 28, 2009

186 someday i'll look back on this and i'll either laugh or cry


i can't let thing i love the most come second to the voices screaming at me to etch away the lines of my body, turn myself into bones and dirt under my fingernails and shaky bruised knees

i'm not tired. there's something about being home that won't let me sleep. my bed is too big and i'm too small (but i'm not small enough i'm never small enough) and my room is so full but it's just too empty

it's weird, what we have. do we have something or am i letting myself dream? i can't imagine you doing this but i wonder do you think of me and pick up your phone and put it back down again because you think i won't answer
(i will answer)

Jul 23, 2009

185

i wish i had more to say but anymore i'm more wordless than breathless

and i'm chapped lips and messy hair and wishing on stars in the daytime

Jul 19, 2009

184 like teen spirit

i never would have thought i'd be running through the sprinklers on the field of my old elementary school in the middle of the night, shaking the water out of my hair and wishing you'd just come give me a hug, what the fuck is wrong with me

but i will honestly consider this one of the best nights of my life, so this is why people smile. i feel quite literally like i am about to burst from just the sheer joy of everything and everyone that is around me.

i definitely lied before. i still like you. but if i let myself stop and think about all the reasons i shouldn't... well, every time i stop and think i ruin things, teach me to jump with my eyes closed
PS dear readers i'm sorry if i'm the most boring motherfucker you've ever encountered

Jul 15, 2009

183 i accidentally took my sleep meds at 7am today

and no amount of coffee in the world could help me in my english class. not a good mix up

a very adorable shy boy works at the subway by my house. i always go on wednesdays because i've noticed he always works on wednesdays. today i started a conversation with him and he got so nervous he started fidgeting and couldn't even look at me, i just wanted to reach across the counter and give him a hug. the boy's got brown eyes and freckles and if you know me you know this is automatic chelsea heart-melting material.

umm i'm sorry if you thought the whole subway thing was going to be really interesting and/or meaningful and/or not like something a middle school girl would write in her blog..........


this is rocky ♥

i know it probably seems really silly and childish but i got rocky at an antique mall i used to always go to when i was little. i would wander wide-eyed up and down rows of glass cases looking at the old dusty jewelry and coins like little oceans with their reflections. i'd touch old musty browned books and know i wasn't the first one to run my fingers along the pages and it filled up the big empty space inside me.

when i walked by abandoned toys the big empty space would be back because how could there be so many toys without somebody to love them? to me they all had little hearts and big sadness and they cried at night when the lights shut off and everyone went home. the thought of it broke me like glass and i just wanted to go to sleep in a big pile of unloved toys. i'm sure this all seems silly but it was so real to me. i can still feel the ache sometimes when i think of people who are suffering.



i just want to help everyone and i hate that i can't

182 it's wednesday

wednesday is subway day!
will be explained later

Jul 12, 2009

181 is there something in the way i move across the floor

i know it's obvious to say you don't need me anymore

i'm just going to be blunt and say i really liked it when we went back to the old middle school field and you hugged me from behind and rested your head on my shoulder. it was hot out and your arms were wrapped tight around my waist and i wanted you to kiss me that night, i still sort of do but i'm not sure anymore. hey what a concept, me being unsure about something. HEY LIFE



whatever i might let myself forget about you because that's what i do and i'll just keep going to subway...... kudos to you if you know what this means if not maybe it'll be explained on here someday





oh yeah i made one of these because why the hell not










i hope you're all doing alright i really do, this goes to everyone. i want the world to feel happy!

Jul 8, 2009

180 i will be the sweetest thing, surrender

i love

dimples, being an equestrian, skin browned by sun's kiss, fingers tangled through mine, love, lust, the house on mango street, words, your arm pressed into mine, feeling featherlight, giddy butterflies before bed, angles and sharp bones, lyrics, bokeh, wavy messy hair, rocky the raccoon, idiosyncrasies, innocence, running (leaving it all behind), epiphanies, your voice, dreams, old fragile books you can whisper to, you


i miss

fingers sticky with honey and chocolate, playground crushes, friday afternoons with friends and kool-aid and making movies, mirasol, barbequed tempeh, 5am rides the summer i turned 15, a friend so close she was practically my sister, her bright blonde hair and the way it was so messy when we woke up in the morning after laughing ourselves to sleep, when i saw only the best in everyone, you


i want

simplicity, to keep a hold on hope this time, ryan reynolds (......), to make you proud, something meaningful, to be an artist, to know, the right words, to sit in the park at night beneath a tree and write in the dark, love, lust, music, truth, words without speech, you



tell me what you love, what you miss, what you want

Jul 6, 2009

179 hearts wrapped in blankets laying low


i think we all have darkness and i don't think anybody will ever not have it. i think the difference between being happy and being unhappy has nothing to do with the absence of darkness. it's about how long you're willing to lay quiet with your eyes closed, back and palms pressed cold against black asphalt wet with rain, and wait for the streetlights to come on. they will come on. nobody ever said this was going to be easy, so wait, breathe, feel, and don't open your eyes until the lights come on and the orange glow floods in through your eyelids. it will be alright

Jul 4, 2009

178 i would be complete if you could put me down in facts and figures

the hardest things are always black and white


i hate my last post idk sometimes i think i should just shut up

i want to watch fireworks with you

Jul 2, 2009

177 i can't hear much but the melody coming from you


i can shake my shoulders and watch the dirt fall to the ground, i can breathe in and feel my lungs fill up with happy.



i wrote "someone thinks you're beautiful" in tiny letters on the back of a $5 bill. i felt silly but i didn't mind because i really hope somebody reads it, i know those kinds of things always leave my heart smiling a little bit. i'm accepting that i can't change the entire world but i'm not willing to leave this world without making some sort of difference, anything


to anybody whose life is fogged with doubt or weighed down by the words of people who try to discourage your efforts, you'll be alright if you let yourself. those times you feel hope, they're the ones you have to cling to. with every bit of everything you've ever had. and they're going to go away sometimes, and you're going to wonder what's the point
but let the storm pass and god, doesn't the sky always look so much cleaner once the rain has washed away the pollution and the clouds are alight with fire from the sun? imagine life if it never rained



please don't give up on yourself, it's a crime to deprive yourself of these things. my heart aches when i think of the suffering people are going through. i have all the hope in the world for you