- ► November (5)
- ► October (9)
- ► September (6)
- ► August (9)
- 187 the nights are forever, i can't get to sleep. ...
- 186 someday i'll look back on this and i'll either...
- 184 like teen spirit
- 183 i accidentally took my sleep meds at 7am today...
- 182 it's wednesday
- 181 is there something in the way i move across th...
- 180 i will be the sweetest thing, surrender
- 179 hearts wrapped in blankets laying low
- 178 i would be complete if you could put me down i...
- 177 i can't hear much but the melody coming from y...
- ► June (15)
Dec 14, 2009
Nov 28, 2009
Your collarbones are anchors keeping me here, grounded, and they are wings lifting me into light and sky and words floating around our heads. Fingers wrapped around our hearts. Our feet move with quiet deliberation to the sounds put forth by the black box across the room, and you can see the notes floating, the colors and lights are brighter with our eyes closed so we keep them that way. And we sway and we sway and the sun is jealous of my eyes for the shine in them, my knees are bruised but my cheeks glow and my heart is filled with your smiles and the ocean. Still with angels pressing my eyelids down soft, I can see the crinkles in the corner of your eyes when you laugh and the way dimples are tiny waves in the surface of the peaceful water that is your skin. Freckles like spots of the finest dirt you've ever seen or little chocolate spots on soft caramel and vanilla. My bones are paper and yours glass. I rip apart at the seams, heartwrenching and quiet and crying, and you shatter, violent and sudden and loud like someone yelling at you to get out of the way. Ribbons unravel from around my heart every time you kiss my lips or breathe on my neck but your heart stays hidden and tucked away like some treasure you're protecting from the world. All the gold coins and strings of pearl shining and luring in the girls and their lusting eyes, but you give them a glimpse and shut it back up, swallow the key. They'll never know what's at the bottom of that treasure chest but here I am leaning into you and our hearts are beating together and for a second even with my eyes closed I can see it in you, see the key and one day you'll press it into my palm and we'll both stare for a moment and then I'll open you up. Your eyes will be wide and your breath might be shallow and your hands might shake but you'll give up the hold you've had on your heart for so long and let it beat like it is supposed to, wild and free. All good things are wild and free, you told me once. And even though you disguised it expertly, I could feel the ache in your soul when you said it.
Someday ache will be gone and we'll dance and we'll sit in streets at midnight and watch the velvet in the sky with our fingers tangled together like the laces on your favorite sneakers. The wind will set fire to our cheeks and we'll dive headfirst and reckless into cool waters and watch our legs grow miles long under the surface. You'll rest on your side with your head propped on your hand as I read quietly; when I stumble over words you won't laugh. I'll watch you play your guitar and marvel at your hands; the way they move so softly across the strings like air or like clouds. Like your kisses and your fingertips.
Nov 27, 2009
Nov 7, 2009
ugh, this fucking headache. and i am disgusted with myself again. everything hurts i'm bleeding out the brain i'm pretty sure and it's not even late but i'm about to turn out the hotel light and sleep in my jeans. hair falling in my eyes forget i'm breathing i can feel my bones grinding and i just want to go home right now, i just want to go home
she says, "shh, i know, i know it's only in my head"
but the girl on the car in the parking lot says
"man, you should try to take a shot
can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
then she looks up at the building, says
"i'm thinking of jumping,"
she says, "i'm sick and tired of life"
everybody's tired of something
when did this happen and why does that inevitable ghost always seep into my skin and freeze my bones when the sun has just begun to warm me again
Nov 2, 2009
Oct 29, 2009
i'm frrrrreezing, wearing a hoodie and one of my favorite pairs of old washed out slumped over nearly shredded jeans and my legs are crossed and my feet are tucked in underneath them to keep them warm but still i'm so cold, my fingers are freezing like little icicles
sometimes i'm walking and i realize something and it's like a slap in the face or someone dropped something on my head from a second story window. today i realized how endless and pointless and destructive my habit of comparing myself to other people is, i tend to think that because somebody else is beautiful there's no way i am too. like there can only be one beautiful person in the world at any given moment and since it's obviously her, i must be nothing. i don't know, i don't really have anything to say could you tell
i'm going to tucson for another show over the weekend, i'm excited but i can't really get myself up to pack because i'm afraid to go in the kitchen, fuck meeeeee how stupid is this
Oct 25, 2009
Oct 21, 2009
Oct 20, 2009
Oct 14, 2009
Oct 12, 2009
Oct 10, 2009
i feel selfish but i've been told i'm selfless to a fault. i feel mediocre but people think i'm above and beyond. i hate the way i write but some people love to read my words. i don't feel funny but i make people laugh. i rarely feel beautiful but you say i am and sometimes i believe you. it amazes me that anyone can find anything in me worth being awe stricken over, it amazes me that i am apparently so blind that i can't see myself in the right light, but i suppose this isn't anything unusual.
it's kind of like looking in the mirror and saying, this is it. this is who i am and maybe i need to say, fuck what i think i see. have a little faith in people, maybe they're right. maybe that freckle you hate isn't overwhelmingly important because maybe when people look at you they see the way the light hits your cheek, the colored flecks in your eyes and the way even when your lips are chapped they're the perfect shade of rose and your hair is like honey curls.
the people you're comparing yourself to, they have insecurities, too, you know. "bemoaning the fact that you don't measure up to some bikini model is a self-destructive waste of time," i read in a magazine while i was at mirasol. i smiled at that. i put it on the collage i made for the woman i credit with holding my hand and dragging me, kicking and screaming, out of the black hole that was threatening to consume my life. she laughed at the way i read it to her, and god i loved that day. you know what, i loved those three months. december 15th, it will have been a year since my admission. my heart is still in tucson, it will always be in tucson. thank you
Oct 6, 2009
i didn't even know until you said the word military, i didn't know what it would do to me. i was surprised at the way my heart dropped, and the way my voice sounded when i spoke, and the way my eyes were suddenly hot and the road was a little blurry.
i'll never tell you what to do. i can only do what i can. i'm learning that i can't control anybody but myself and that's okay, it's just that i don't like sleeping alone since you
Oct 2, 2009
Sep 28, 2009
cute creature says cheer up, everyone, vida est decorus
Sep 21, 2009
i've been doing well, and for once this is the truth. i have more to focus on than what i am (not) eating and how easy it would be to play the xylophone on my bones. i have been working and learning and running on zero sleep because it's hard to go home when all i want is to stay there with you.
i like sitting out on the street with you at two in the morning
Sep 19, 2009
Sep 8, 2009
Aug 30, 2009
Aug 27, 2009
Aug 21, 2009
Aug 20, 2009
Aug 17, 2009
Aug 14, 2009
Aug 11, 2009
Aug 3, 2009
Jul 31, 2009
Jul 29, 2009
Jul 28, 2009
Jul 23, 2009
Jul 19, 2009
Jul 15, 2009
a very adorable shy boy works at the subway by my house. i always go on wednesdays because i've noticed he always works on wednesdays. today i started a conversation with him and he got so nervous he started fidgeting and couldn't even look at me, i just wanted to reach across the counter and give him a hug. the boy's got brown eyes and freckles and if you know me you know this is automatic chelsea heart-melting material.
umm i'm sorry if you thought the whole subway thing was going to be really interesting and/or meaningful and/or not like something a middle school girl would write in her blog..........
this is rocky ♥
i know it probably seems really silly and childish but i got rocky at an antique mall i used to always go to when i was little. i would wander wide-eyed up and down rows of glass cases looking at the old dusty jewelry and coins like little oceans with their reflections. i'd touch old musty browned books and know i wasn't the first one to run my fingers along the pages and it filled up the big empty space inside me.
when i walked by abandoned toys the big empty space would be back because how could there be so many toys without somebody to love them? to me they all had little hearts and big sadness and they cried at night when the lights shut off and everyone went home. the thought of it broke me like glass and i just wanted to go to sleep in a big pile of unloved toys. i'm sure this all seems silly but it was so real to me. i can still feel the ache sometimes when i think of people who are suffering.
Jul 12, 2009
i'm just going to be blunt and say i really liked it when we went back to the old middle school field and you hugged me from behind and rested your head on my shoulder. it was hot out and your arms were wrapped tight around my waist and i wanted you to kiss me that night, i still sort of do but i'm not sure anymore. hey what a concept, me being unsure about something. HEY LIFE
whatever i might let myself forget about you because that's what i do and i'll just keep going to subway...... kudos to you if you know what this means if not maybe it'll be explained on here someday
oh yeah i made one of these because why the hell not
i hope you're all doing alright i really do, this goes to everyone. i want the world to feel happy!
Jul 8, 2009
dimples, being an equestrian, skin browned by sun's kiss, fingers tangled through mine, love, lust, the house on mango street, words, your arm pressed into mine, feeling featherlight, giddy butterflies before bed, angles and sharp bones, lyrics, bokeh, wavy messy hair, rocky the raccoon, idiosyncrasies, innocence, running (leaving it all behind), epiphanies, your voice, dreams, old fragile books you can whisper to, you
fingers sticky with honey and chocolate, playground crushes, friday afternoons with friends and kool-aid and making movies, mirasol, barbequed tempeh, 5am rides the summer i turned 15, a friend so close she was practically my sister, her bright blonde hair and the way it was so messy when we woke up in the morning after laughing ourselves to sleep, when i saw only the best in everyone, you
simplicity, to keep a hold on hope this time, ryan reynolds (......), to make you proud, something meaningful, to be an artist, to know, the right words, to sit in the park at night beneath a tree and write in the dark, love, lust, music, truth, words without speech, you
tell me what you love, what you miss, what you want
Jul 6, 2009
i think we all have darkness and i don't think anybody will ever not have it. i think the difference between being happy and being unhappy has nothing to do with the absence of darkness. it's about how long you're willing to lay quiet with your eyes closed, back and palms pressed cold against black asphalt wet with rain, and wait for the streetlights to come on. they will come on. nobody ever said this was going to be easy, so wait, breathe, feel, and don't open your eyes until the lights come on and the orange glow floods in through your eyelids. it will be alright
Jul 4, 2009
i hate my last post idk sometimes i think i should just shut up
i want to watch fireworks with you
Jul 2, 2009
i can shake my shoulders and watch the dirt fall to the ground, i can breathe in and feel my lungs fill up with happy.
i wrote "someone thinks you're beautiful" in tiny letters on the back of a $5 bill. i felt silly but i didn't mind because i really hope somebody reads it, i know those kinds of things always leave my heart smiling a little bit. i'm accepting that i can't change the entire world but i'm not willing to leave this world without making some sort of difference, anything
to anybody whose life is fogged with doubt or weighed down by the words of people who try to discourage your efforts, you'll be alright if you let yourself. those times you feel hope, they're the ones you have to cling to. with every bit of everything you've ever had. and they're going to go away sometimes, and you're going to wonder what's the point
but let the storm pass and god, doesn't the sky always look so much cleaner once the rain has washed away the pollution and the clouds are alight with fire from the sun? imagine life if it never rained
please don't give up on yourself, it's a crime to deprive yourself of these things. my heart aches when i think of the suffering people are going through. i have all the hope in the world for you
Jun 30, 2009
hmm as for the big one-eight i don't feel like an adult but i never really want to lose that part of me who melts inside watching the fox & the hound, and is most comfortable sleeping with rocky the raccoon. life is simply, simply as it should be
Jun 29, 2009
hey i'm alright. maybe it's not about whether i'm happy or sad, maybe it's about the face i see in the mirror. not the dark undereye circles or the little chickenpox scar on my cheek but what's behind my eyes. if i let it, the sun shines from somewhere inside and it kisses the world with memories of bright sky and sweet wet grass. but only if i let it.
every time i get a text from you my stomach does these little flips and sweet merciful jesus i feel like i'm in middle school again. tomorrow you're going to teach me to play guitar and we're going to watch a movie at your house and there are little tiny shocks going through my body, everywhere.
Jun 26, 2009
i'm so frustrated i'm about to cry but i'm so exhausted that i can't
last friday i was walking on air and the sun was jealous of my eyes and i couldn't stop smiling even when i was alone. saturday i was still breathing deeply and happily and i went to bed with hope and cheeks sore from laughing. i woke up sunday morning and for no reason i couldn't stop crying and it was all i could do to get out of bed and go to work. i've been lying about how well i've been doing
i'm so fucking tired of being sad. i'm angry and i'm frustrated and i don't want to climb that mountain anymore, the one with laughter and hugs and peaches and eyes crinkling in the corners, because i know what's on the other side and it breaks my heart to let that joy go. every time it gets a little harder and
i'm crying now
Jun 23, 2009
Jun 20, 2009
you have delicate hands
and i know why
i'm all flushed cheeks and breathlessness with a joy i'd only ever read about until recently