Showing posts from June, 2009

176 happy birthday to me happy birthday to me

seventeen was a big year for me. huge, beyond words. i can't tell you how many firsts, how many lasts, how many tears and how many smiles have come together to make me who i am today.

my heart can't stop fluttering and i love it so much, so so much. i never want to not feel like this, ever.
hmm as for the big one-eight i don't feel like an adult but i never really want to lose that part of me who melts inside watching the fox & the hound, and is most comfortable sleeping with rocky the raccoon. life is simply, simply as it should be

175 i've picked myself up off the floor and heard the dawn break against the door

hey i'm alright. maybe it's not about whether i'm happy or sad, maybe it's about the face i see in the mirror. not the dark undereye circles or the little chickenpox scar on my cheek but what's behind my eyes. if i let it, the sun shines from somewhere inside and it kisses the world with memories of bright sky and sweet wet grass. but only if i let it.

every time i get a text from you my stomach does these little flips and sweet merciful jesus i feel like i'm in middle school again. tomorrow you're going to teach me to play guitar and we're going to watch a movie at your house and there are little tiny shocks going through my body, everywhere.

174 maybe you just missed the sun

it's so, so hard to let yourself be happy when it always turns into this

i'm so frustrated i'm about to cry but i'm so exhausted that i can't

last friday i was walking on air and the sun was jealous of my eyes and i couldn't stop smiling even when i was alone. saturday i was still breathing deeply and happily and i went to bed with hope and cheeks sore from laughing. i woke up sunday morning and for no reason i couldn't stop crying and it was all i could do to get out of bed and go to work. i've been lying about how well i've been doing

i'm so fucking tired of being sad. i'm angry and i'm frustrated and i don't want to climb that mountain anymore, the one with laughter and hugs and peaches and eyes crinkling in the corners, because i know what's on the other side and it breaks my heart to let that joy go. every time it gets a little harder and

i'm crying now

173 flutter

sometimes my words are featherlight and they come like breath and fog up the mirror so i can draw lines through the ghosts and turn any face into a smile. other times i'm doing anything i can to cough up the words but they're stuck somewhere way too deep just waiting for the right time to come out. lately i think i've been doing a lot of that and i'm starting to doubt my way with words.
hmm i messed up again today and every time i swallow i'm reminded of the shame and the disgust and the regret. you'd think something with such awful consequences would be easy to stop, but this is just an addiction. no matter how much the heroin addict with their bruised arms and charcoal eyes and sharp bones hates what they're doing to themselves, they feel so overwhelmingly, numbingly powerless.
i'm not going to be powerless anymore, though. tomorrow is a new day and i intend to treat it as such

172 wanting to feel you, wanting to breathe

and i thought you wanted to feel like breathing
you have delicate hands
and i know why

i'm all flushed cheeks and breathlessness with a joy i'd only ever read about until recently

last night i got home around 3:30am and tried to sleep but gave up around 6:30, when was the last time i slept? i'm still not tired, it's like my mind doesn't want to slip into dreams and let go of this unbelievable reality. it's holding on to these feelings and i'm saying shh, they will still be here in the morning. i know they will

171 the night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on

my heart is aching so badly. i'm tired from not getting enough sleep and i didn't take my effexor until 2:30 so it hasn't quite lifted the fog yet. this song just hurts me in the most sad beautiful delicate way possible, there's this stirring inside of me that if i close my eyes will take me over.

i'm going to go for a run to clear my head. i used to be so much happier than this, even this morning i had wings and i blushed a little when a cute stranger caught my eye and smiled. i try to catch those feelings and if i could i would keep them in a little jar or in little tiny bottles by my bed. but i already know that none of the things i want are tangible, so i run and keep running until the ground is flying out from beneath me in waves and in my mind i'll tear the pages from notebooks and leave them on the floor because i don't need them anymore, and i'll smile and watch the white wordless confetti falling down around me. the things in my mind will never …

170 and from this gutter we're still staring at the stars

i watched this movie yesterday, it got 0 stars but i quite liked it. well enough that i could sit through most of it without heaving a great restless sigh which is saying something.

today i was cold a lot and i put on my favorite hoodie and then i ______. again, again. always but i'm trying not to let it drag me down again. i'm still smiling. i had a great day at work, my best friend of 7 years came in all sunburned (but not farmers-tanned as she pointed out) and i hugged her bright red little self to death I LOVE YOU MORGAN. also some of the people i work with are just wonderful and i'm looking forward to getting to know them more.

over the summer i'm taking english 101 at the local community college (hi i know how to write please do not make me conform to your silly rigid little rules) and **mass murderers and serial killers** which is quite a fascinating class. for some reason the more grotesque and completely fucked up the serial killer is, the more interested i am i…

169 sleeeeeepy eyes sleepy sleepy gotta get up at 5:49

i realized the other day that i'm 17 and already a sophomore in college, life goes too fast what a TRIP
imagine that hehe

ugh guys i swear i'm trying to conjure up something interesting but lately all of my thoughts have been like the little squiggly lines you get in your eyes and the harder you try to make them stay still so you can look straight at them, the more impossible it is to catch them FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!

wow just tell me to shut the fuck up do it do it do it

168 the day i thought i'd never get through

i'm so sick of this. i'm sick of dizzy headaches and that dull ache in my gut from not eating in days. i'm sick of purging until i puke blood. i'm sick of crying in front of the mirror and i'm sick of hopelessness.

i'm finally ready to change. this is OVER. i don't need an eating disorder to hold my hand anymore. my eating disorder is not my best friend, it's taken so much from me. i can do anything, i can be anyone, i can feel anything

this is not going to pass. i'm going to hold onto this, i'm going to break barriers and i'm going to change.


oh my god i really can't do this

166 hands in my pockets, straightjacket mind, it's gettin easy

so if you couldn't tell (i don't really expect you to be able to) i've been slipping backwards, supposedly "pretty badly" but i never think anything is bad enough. my mom called my old trainer in colorado and asked her to look for a buyer for lenardo. if they get rid of my horse i will literally have no reason not to starve myself to death. just sayin

my hair isn't that disgusting anymore i promise
my friend keeps texting me and i'm too tired to reply. no i don't really want to hang out on sunday. hey this is so familiar, it's amazing how easy it is to fall back into this bullshit. i'm not really seeing what i'm typing the world is kind of far away and the screen is just a hallucination, there's something pushing on my eyes from inside my head and i have a headache
you blink once and the ghosts are back and your skin is just paper stretched across bone, the things i want i can't hold

165 how weightless they must be, without feeling

close your eyes
everything a different shade of gold, shimmery flakes of dust floating through the air to land softly on the smooth skin of a little freckle-faced girl, golden locks falling in ripples and waves around her shoulders and down her back
you inhale and the smell is cinammon and clean, something clean, anything clean and you don't feel dirty anymore. nothing is dark and nothing is gray and everything holds your hands and leads you around this corner, that corner to discover what lies ahead. and you find it and laugh and your heart sighs one of those nice sighs and you wish on fallen eyelashes and even if the wishes don't come true you just close your eyes and say thank you to whoever will listen

now open them
the world is raining and you're lost on an empty street. the buildings are gray with nobody inside them to light a fire or flick a light switch to chase away the demons and the doors are locked. so there you are standing outside while it pours and you used to l…

164 i really do have so much to say but i'm no good with words

"there's nothing to writing. all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."
walter wellesley "red" smith

sometimes things are just so wonderful and i don't really know how to react. i've never been good at dealing with life when it's going right, this is hard to explain but i usually end up sabotaging myself when things start to go well. this time i'm trying not to, but isn't that what i always do?

oh hey i put a negative spin on this already, i didn't mean to do that so soon (or at all). i had a good day at work i guess, and then afterwards in the grocery store i was just all chatter and wit and smiles and push push pushing myself around on the shopping cart, you know when you stand on the back and wheel down the aisles at BREAKNECK speed or at least fast enough to do considerable damage if you hit a liquor stand.

there was a boy working at the grocery store who went to my middle school (oh hey **english 101 lesson** that was a mi…

163 i owe you more than this

i think a sigh can say so many different things
it can say i'm bored or i'm tired or i'm sick of your meaningless words, when will your actions come to life? it can say i don't want to do this anymore.

it can say wow, this world is beautiful. this has been the tone of my sighs today, and

i get a little braver every day

162 we've got a lot, don't you dare forget that

SO, for my english 101 class (omfg this class makes me want to shoot myself btw i know how to construct a sentence and i hate the rigidness of the way we are "supposed" to write) we have to write a descriptive personal narrative about overcoming a great challenge that has made us into the person we are today. one guess what my first thought was!
so i'm sitting there in class all excited because i know how i want to write this paper and then i realize, the professor is going to read this paper. and then she's going to know. and then how will she look at me?

and i start to second guess myself because i'm not sure if i really want her to know all of that. then she reveals that we will have to share our rough draft with a group. and then i decide that i am 100% not, no way, no how, ever going to write about my eating disorder.

(keep in mind x number of years ago, any time the words 'eating disorder' entered my thoughts, i was certain that i was 100% not, no way,…