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Showing posts from September, 2008

040

i just conquered a fear! my hands were shaking and i broke out in a cold sweat, you know the kind where it feels like a thousand little needles are stabbing you? and i had that buzzing in my ears like i was going to faint but i didn't.

BUUUUT lol of course i also did something else i said i wouldn't do oops, it's not a really bad thing but it isn't helping with the overall recovery thing? whatevs i'm taking small steps two steps forward one step back blah blah

it's going to suck if someday i find this when i'm in my 20's or something, everything's so vague that even i won't know what the f i was talking about.

but there's security in my ill-defined writings, it's one of my walls



dear supposed entity in the sky,
i want to find somebody who makes me want to get rid of my walls please
sincerely chelsea







i shouldn't blog when i'm this tired i'm not going to let myself delete this and i'll regret it OOOOOHWELL!

039

i could lose myself in other people's lives forever

038

heyyYYYy mom your bob marley cd is missing??

i'm reading a book called how to lose friends and alienate people. apparently they're making a movie out of it, if the book's any good i probably won't see the movie because they usually kill em!

oops i feel bad i was supposed to do the dishes but i can hear my dad doing them ugh i hate that lol....

yeah this was pointless i'm going to go watch my FAVORITE show, tonight's the season premier what!

dexter is my favorite serial killer

037

i'm gonna get better i am i am i am!

i like the idea of deism

over the summer i had to take this math class because of the *weirdness* of the scheduling at my old school. anyways i sat behind this very nice little asian man named sinclair and in front of a guy whose ego you could see a mile away.

every morning sinclair would be wearing a nice polo shirt and he would say hi to me, the class was early in the morning around 7 and he must be a real morning person, everybody else was yawning incessantly and had bags under their eyes myself included, but maybe it was because of the coffee. every morning he had a mcdonald's iced coffee with him and every day he would sit in his spot wearing his nice polo shirt and khakis.

umm the point of this is i really like consistency! i know i've already said that. but it's so true i figured i'd reiterate it?

i'm not saying i want things to be the same all the time but it's just comforting when i know what to expect.

and this is wh…

036

please don't rush me i'm so tired you can wait a day or two

i really don't like clingy people either, i'm sorry! i like space, i think that's pretty normal.

i took a bubble bath with lavendar soap and now my hands smell like candles, they've even got that slightly smokey smell to them which is weird and random.

nothing seems interesting anymore fuuuuuuuuhhhhh

035

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awww max i miss you
it's weird for a long time i didn't let myself miss anybody or anything and i guess i'm still kind of there? i disconnect myself on purpose because it's easier, but then i hate the result.

034

i get in these moods where every song i listen to sounds like the most beautiful thing ever composed, and where everything i eat tastes like it was prepared by a gourmet chef in a fancy restaurant that i can't afford,

and i love iiiiiiit

today didn't go as bad as i had thought it would. it actually went really well. just goes to show that i psyche myself out over *STUPID* things

oh and um kudos to me for fixing my computer which had seemingly permanently crashed buuuut i fixed it around midnight last night what whaaaaat

033

tomorrow is doooooms dayyyy
i hate facing people after making it a point to make sure they know i don't need them! lol uuughh


my back hurts my neck hurts my stomach hurts

today i watched black snake moan holy fuck what a trip!

032

i just typed a lllooottt but it was pointless and rambling so i deleted it

i wish i could delete things i said out loud lol that would be nice sometimes. i think that's why i'd rather text or IM than talk on the phone, i can just backspace if i need to. talking on the phone you're like ~trapped~ or something

yeah i just deleted another paragraph go me i really shouldn't censor myself like that/this

i was so hungry today when i was sitting in the office (i have to sit there for 30mins after my last class because i need more credits or something and so i'm an "aide" although i did nothing today) and people kept walking by with food. there was pizza and rubio's and quiznos and chick-fil-a and a kid with a bag of cheetos! it was lunchtime and i was hungry because i hadn't eaten since breakfast. but then i got home and wasn't hungry anymore my body is so confusing sometimes!

but anywho i kind of like my little "aide" job or whatever i get to …

031

there is nothing here

030

i don't like being alone, it gives me too much time to dwell dwell dwell dwell on insignificant things. i end up manifesting problems because of too much time inside my own head!

i really like my hands today i know that sounds weird but i have this fixation with hands. not a fetish ok don't confuse the two! but seriously one of the first things i notice about a person is their hands. you can show me any set of hands (that i've seen before most obbbbviously) and chances are i'll be able to tell you who they belong to.

last night i went out with some of my friends, i hadn't (oops lol at first i typed handn't i guess i'm still stuck on hands) seen them in a while and it was really nice. i was in an awful mood before we hung out, i'm so so so glad you called me you have no idea. i don't know what i would've done last night otherwise! we had nice conversations and i love laughing

and i bought a shirt i really love while we were there. it's black and…

029

what

what am i missing?



i was in a daze all day at school today. i don't remember most of it, everything and everybody kind of seemed so far away? i was very inwardly focused.

but what you said in 4th period kind of stung, i remember that... i didn't know you were so overtly rude. if you were even remotely attractive i probably would've really taken it to heart lol!

that was mean but guess who's not sorry?

028

i feel happy and satisfied and content but at the same time so so so worried
i say it won't happen to me but LOL i'm pretty sure that's what everyone with this problem says isn't it???


my mom blamed herself for it the other day and i felt bad. i wanted to hug her and tell her no, it's not her fault but i couldn't because we were driving. and it's really not her fault either! i wouldn't have been lying.
so i told her it wasn't her fault but i didn't hug her. and i'm hoping she really believes me because it's the truth.

tomorrow is our school's first home football game and a "kickoff dance" and i think i'll go at least to the game.



and PS i'm not on drugs if that's what you think my *problemo* is okay i promise

027

"shut up dr. phil"
"that's not dr. phil that's barrack obama"
"oh..... same thing"
yeah my dad's pretty *** in touch *** with society and all!
sarah palin is on tv now and her hair is waaaaaaayyyyyyy too teased it looks silly, the beehive look died out a long time ago


so um i'm really shaky and my stomach hurts pretty bad, i was hallucinating on the way home from the barn LOL i'm having a good day yeah yeah yeah okay yeah i just had an apple and it's making my stomach feel worse ugh!

i've noticed recently that i really like adults more than i like kids my own age. adults have so much more to say and are so much better at saying it because they're not so worried about being judged. i think it's really cool honestly

my mom is going to make me go back to the same therapist as i was going to before SIGH i'm not happy with that but it'll be alright i'll try to be more open maybe it will help...

026

there's something i really love about wanting somebody but knowing i can't have them.
it's comforting and i don't know why but then at the same time it kind of uuuh sucks obviously!

i made a promise to myself today that i would try and limit my negative thoughts, and the ones that i allow myself to have, i'm going to have to think of something positive to make up for them
they say that perception is reality sooooo00 we'll see!

it's getting kind of awkward having my uncle around the house and i guess he's going to be here for another week uuuuugh it's weird because he totally like **barged in** and we had no idea and so now our plans are all asdjkajdjskhfudashasdasjjjjjfucked

but he's family even though we hadn't seen/heard from him in 6ish years so oh well


i'm verrrrrrry cold right now somebody text me

025

i know i need to change this because i know what could happen to me if i don't
but it's just so much easier to just leave things the way they are.

i don't have to do anything but sit back and let it control everything,
what could be easier?






i'm so tired!
i miss you

024

i keep wondering like, what the hell is this and why is it on my ipod.

last night my uncle ~randomly~ came in from belgium! he can't use "in the neighborhood" as an excuse, and we didn't know he was coming.
it was really random and i can tell my dad isn't all that thrilled to have his bruddah here, my uncle talks a lottttttt!

but LOL my dad's been acting like a really good father figure since he came in! it's really funny i think.
i mean he's not bad or anything but he doesn't do these things unless he's doing it to make himself look good. maybe that's not what it is and i'm misinterpreting it but whatever this is my blog dammit!

okay i feel bad i hope my dad never reads this because i don't want him to feel sad. i love him but it's hard to live with him sometimes.

but ummmM i had a pretty good day today actually









i need more gum already what the eff

023

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i've been wasting time
wasting time wasting time all day to keep my mind off of something but i'm stuck on it.

i have a headache and i feel foggy and cold. i can't focus and i should work on my articles for newspaper but when i try i just get distracted.

i need to stop wanting and i want to stop needing,





please? from 6/25/08 when i was feeling inspired, it was sunset in my backyard so i took some pictures but then the sun went down and my camera turned everything into a ghost

022

the people i dislike the most are the people that are most like me

which i don't understand because for the most part i really actually like myself


anyways i'm very quiet today i just don't feel like talking. i think i'm still upset about something from yesterday, i know what it is but i don't want you to know yet.

my dad is annoying me. i'm sorry but i really don't want to talk at all, my mouth just doesn't feel like moving, and he's hassling me about going and playing raquetball and he's trying to find the solitaire application on his computer and blah blah blasdjkajdksh.

it bothers me because sometimes he comes home and is in an awful mood and he completely ***ignores*** me and my mom when we try to be nice to him, so we leave him alone. but then days like today he is just annoying as fuck LOL i'm sorry dad i'm a horrible daughter i shouldn't have said that but i don't feel like backspacing it okay

i'm not sure what to expect f…

021

my mom is worried about me and she says i look "drawn" whatever she means by that.....

i don't know it could be lack of sleep or it could be something else

i don't want her to worry, i really don't. she doesn't deserve that she's an amazing person honestly. i feel awful for putting her through the things i've put her through!




do you have enough clues by now?

020

i always always always go into these things thinking i don't care



to a lot of people (maybe even to you, whoever you are):
you are a better person than you give yourself credit for
and it's okay to believe that you're good and worth the best because you are

019

when you find a song that you can turn up and it actually enters you, well do you know what that feels like? it doesn't happen to me often but when it does it's usually kind of a surprising song. i mean it's a song i wouldn't expect to make me feel this way.


and i can't really control my words and i hate it when i let myself do this. my thoughts and my words and my feelings, i should be able to control them.
but it always comes back to control and i have dreams where i'm in a car and it's just driving in circles and i can't stop it. the brakes don't work and i can't steer.
i think those dreams are about control or lack thereof and i have them a lot but it's been less lately


1250
990
890
maybe?


my dad wanted me to take this personality test online the other day and he wanted to see my results. the test asked a question and you had to answer with a picture, well i don't know how to explain it so here. anyways i took it and it wouldn't show me …

018

suspenders:
"hold your own damn pants up."





i have nothing else to say!
i'm sorry i'll think of something better and i'll be back sooner than you want me to be

017

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it's times like these that i understand why people confuse wanting somebody with "needing" somebody


obviously we don't "need" that *certain person* to survive (in the most literal sense) but sometimes it sure can feel like it and i reaaaallllllly hate it





i tried explaining to my mom today why i hated going to therapy and she did the same thing my therapist used to do, i wound up feeling stupid again so i told her i didn't want to talk about it anymore which was a lie,
really what i don't want anymore is for people to tell me my feelings are wrong when i actually try to open up
it's not easy for me to do in the first place and it gets even harder when i feel like i have a reason to keep my mouth shut.







from august of 2007:

016

to ~whom it may concern~:
lol! i read your whoooole blog and now i totally see where you were coming from but i want you to know i honestly had no clue. but you're a veryyy great writer you intrigue me a lot!!

so i just got back from the barn anddd i am very sore. but while i was out there i was thinking about why i feel so uncomfortable talking about myself to certain people and i think it's because i'm worried about being judged blah blah blah typical teenage angst and i'm way too worried about what people are thinking. but you know what it's really none of my business what you think of me!

anyways that got me thinking about therapy and ok yeah i've been to a therapist please don't be surprised but whenever i talked to her, her responses made me feel like i was wrong or stupid or something because if i expressed my feelings on a *certain subject* (which i am not ready to share with anybody ATM) she would be like

"now does that make SENSE?"

and my obv…

015

ok so people are always asking the famous question "is it better to have loved and lost or never loved at all" and every time i hear it i have a different answer? it's not that i completely change my mind all the time i'm not *that* fickle

but every time i think of it a different way and i don't know why, my own brain's favorite pasttime must be trying to make me rip my hair out. you don't know, maybe it just wants to be closer to the sun?????

ANYWAYS,

at first my default answer was "it's better to have loved and lost" but the more i think about it and feel these things, the more i want to change my mind

and i wish i didn't because i wish i was just one of those beautifully vulnerable open people, they amaze me, the way they trust people. some people call it stupid but i think it takes a really strong person to do that honestly

and that makes me wonder if i'm weak because i'm so weary of people and of trusting them. and then when i *t…

014

i'm so tired but i know i won't be able to sleep tonight

i have my red sofees and your old football shirt and i think you should know that you're the reason i know what speechless feels like.

and i thought this was supposed to go away but obviously the people who said that never met you.

013

jeeeeeeesus i hate it how one day you're my best friend and the next you're so incredibly indifferent! i don't know what to do about it though because i think it's just your personality so i'll let it go and try not to get more attached or anything







and as for you... i can still hear your laugh and see your dimples and the sparkle in your eye and it drives me absolutely crazy

012

ok i have something to say!

i'm not very fond of people who try really hard to make it look like they have a social life. like, either you do or you don't and you don't need to wave it in everyone's face when you have like LOL ONE LATE-NIGHT OUTING

anyways i'm sorry for that because that goes to a "close friend" of mine but i doubt she reads this so it's ok

earlier i had nothing to do and my mom said "if you're bored you could vacuum the house" and lol i was so bored i did it....... sundays are the worst

then i went and watched the hills ok yes i watch that show sometimes, you wouldn't think watching a bunch of people do ~*NOTHING*~ would be so entertaining but i'm easily amused?

and britney spears is opening for the VMAs in a couple hours, which i don't entirely understand but good for you girlfriend it's not easy to revive a reputation as DEAD as that one....

i'm going to make tuna wraps for the fam bye

011

i feel like i have so much to offer and all i'm missing is the chance to offer it

010

yes i HAVE changed a lot in recent times and no i WON'T apologize for it because one of the changes i've made is that i'm not afraid of showing you who i am, for the most part

i feel like a completely different person and this all changed in literally a couple of weeks, which doesn't happen, so i guess it was a gradual change but lately it's just been more pronounced and bla bla bla

tomorrow i have to go get my **senior pictures** taken which i guess is a big deal because they gave out fliers that said they are MANDATORY if you want to be in the yearbook. so i have to find something to wear because i mean these pictures will haunt me forever and ever! but yeah anyways that's just one of the perks of being a senior i guess
and there are perks like the half day and just ask the status tassel hanging off the rearview mirror of my car, it's purple and white (school spirit ra ra ra) and has a blinged out 09 dropdown charm
they also gave us these license plate frames…

009

i love consistent people, it's really hard for me when i never know what to expect from somebody... it tends to make me feel like i'm doing something wrong

ummmMMm i had something to say i really did

i remember freshman year i was so angsty oh boy was i angsty... i mean i was generally alright with life and it was a pretty good year, but one of my best friends at the time decided to get into drugs and we used to talk on the phone every night and he told me he loved me and i told him i loved him and at the time it was just friendly? and sure i had feelings for him for a while and i found out he felt the same but we never got past friendship because he loved to get hIIIgh and he never seemed like a real person when he was

and i gave him my ps2 lol i miss it so much now (yes i am a loser) but apparently he sold it to satisfy a "need"

i feel more connected to life now than i ever have before, it's really nice to be able to feel things again. i missed out on a lot and nob…

008

reason number 2390898 why i'm glad i switched schools:
my mom now teaches at my old school

this doesn't mean that i don't like my mother or am embarrassed of her because it's not that but at a school with less than 300 students it would be kind of awkward and yes i do care about those things okay
but hey some days after i'm done with my classes i'll probably go back there and help her out with her classes and stuff just to see the people i left beeeeehiiiiiinddd

i kind of realize that i don't write very well in this thing, but that's okay because most of the time i'm so concerned about how well i write and it's so nice to just not care....

okay so i kinda lied before when i said i would only update with interesting things but i get addicted to these. i think i have an addictive personality WHICH REMINDS ME i am out of 5 gum sob cry

today i hung out with somebody who i haven't seen in forever, we've been friends for 6 (??) years and it's ho…

007 (stealth)

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i pretty much hate to admit it buuut i'd really like to be friends with you again but i guess that's not gonna happen
i'd just like to know why?
i'm starting to finally see the good in people again instead of the bad



006

remember the day when we started this
and you made the shape of my heart with your hands
tell me that you love me and it'll be alright
are you thinking of me, just come with me tonight
you know i need you just like you need me
can't stop, won't stop, i must be dreaming

it pretty much makes me sick how much i love this band

so hi i didn't really get to sleep last night because i'm sick and i woke up and started ~coughing my lungs out~ and it was not pleasant and now my chest and my throat hurt pretty bad

but i'm happy regardless

oh you know what sucks is when you realize that somebody went out of their way (i.e taking the longgg way to class and being late) just to avoid you lol
especially when you didn't do anything to them really? and if you did you went out of your way to apologize

i don't know i think i'm a little bit more likeable than that? i like to think so anyways

005

okaaaaayYYYYyyy here's a confession


i'm terrified of being vulnerable and that makes it really hard to get close to anyone