Showing posts from 2019

I can't be reckless with you

I have always been reckless with hearts. Not maliciously, not ever with the intent to hurt or play games. I've been reckless because I'm too quick to settle back in to what I know to avoid pain. The allure of comfort has been greater than the strength to walk away with a clear heart. Even when my gut tells me to walk away, I settle into the back-and-forth game, with-you-but-not-with-you, because it's easier than just without-you. It's easier than alone. And it always ends with an explosion, volatile, and it leaves hearts shattered when they could have just been bruised.

I can't be reckless with you. I can't play back-and-forth because I know how that ends. All I want is to run back into your arms, feel safe and loved and cherished like you've always made me feel. And for a while, because that's comfortable, it will feel so perfect and so right. But what happens when the restlessness starts, when I start to question everything? The resentment and anger a…

I almost forgot your birthday this year

I almost forgot your birthday this year -
I'm taking this as a small victory.

Two years ago, I started dreading it weeks in advance, knowing full well the turmoil I would feel that day. Just because it was you.

Last year, I thought about it for about a week beforehand. I knew you would be with your new girlfriend, wondered what she would get you as a gift, wondered where you'd go out to dinner, or if you'd just slum it up in redneck fashion.

This year it took me until the day before. At work I was writing myself a note - "To-Do, 3/21/19." I'd like to say it took me a split second to realize why that date mattered, but I knew right away.

Maybe next year I'll forget, but probably not. I'd like to think you're a new person now; you probably have scars I haven't seen yet, and I definitely do. I've realized I don't miss the person you are now, I miss the person I knew when we met. You were lighter then, hopeful, fun, easy. Today I don't…

the most fatal human flaw

You can spend years asking the universe for something, and then not be able to stomach it when it finally gives it to you.