Nov 29, 2008

092

sssSSSsssuuUUUuupPP i bring "pathetic" to a whole new level but i don't really feel like explaining why so forget i said that







another old picture..... my camera lens (sans camera) providing endless entertainment for my best friend of 6 1/2 years yaaaaay hey look it's the crusty's shirt







i've been staying up unreasonably late with a really dumb incentive, i'm too embarrassed to even say why. oh this morning i thought i was going blind because everything went black for about 10 seconds and it was a lllooonggg 10 seconds

i'm finding anything & everything i can to keep me awake, tv marathons of ANTM and endless games of spider solitaire will have to suffice since i've sworn off caffeine.





what a sad existence i need a purpose! someday i'll have one, i haven't given up hope quite yet. despite all of my recent realizations and the fact that i'm going to be in inpatient DURING CHRISTMAS....... i feel a little better than i did before

Nov 28, 2008

091

so i chickened out, didn't go to thanksgiving dinner with my family, i figured this would happen. i just can't be around all that food and all those people and all the pressure.

whether i eat or don't eat, i lose, that's just the way this eating disorder plays the game

this morning i got really scared because my heart was pounding so hard and so fast then it slowed down and i could barely feel it, my mom almost took me to the ER i was pale and shaking, on the verge of blacking out

i'd like to black out permanently right now :S

um my mom and i are in the process of writing a story it's kind of exciting actually. i love writing fiction and she does too, she's a great writer and she's so excited about this, it's adorable lol seriously. i love my mom. my dad's been really great lately too, they're both being way supportive about everything.

ok *most miserable thing about today* my sister-in-law and her sister (who's a year older than me) dragggggged me n my mom out to the movies to see twilight. there are some things you cannot unsee.............

sorry i hate plots that involve lust/infatuation being portrayed as deep everlasting love WHAT DO I KNOW

Nov 27, 2008

090

i hate thanksgiving












soooooooooooooooooooooo fucking much!

Nov 26, 2008

089

woops mistake

Nov 25, 2008

088

i'm chasing something that can't be caught

how is it i can count my ribs when i look in a mirror but still don't see thin?

Nov 24, 2008

087

you're the only thing that i love
scares me more every day
on my knees i think clearer



the sad part is i always have to wonder if anyone ever misses me
i've got a huge decision to make, things got so much more complicated today.

Nov 23, 2008

086

ok so every once in a while i'm able to eat something without feeling ~completely~ suicidal or horrible afterwards and i think yay maybe i'm finally coming around! case in point last night/this morning.........

then life is all NO PSYCH I WAS JK aaaaactually you will not be eating for the rest of the day because heeeere comes another curveball have tons of fun stressin today. with the stretched out words and everything i swear that's how it sounds


like a mordant sarcastic bully on a playground, sad faces :((((((



^ from a looong friggen time ago, the chains in my backyard
((( chosen for a reason omg cheesey symbolism is my #1 forte! )))

Nov 22, 2008

085

sup inpatient is a sure thing now it's just a matter of when & where



i can't remember the last time i went a day without crying, i don't love life i only love one thing and it's this close to being taken away from me.

they say if you don't eat in inpatient you get "privileges" taken away from you, there's absolutely nothing you could take away from me now that i would care about. fuck you

Nov 20, 2008

084

i'm 99% sure i'll be disappearing fairly soon

Nov 19, 2008

083

i'm drowning, but i don't care
because when you got what i got
who needs air?
i have come to the realization
that this life is more than what i have accomplished
and life is more than the realization
that we have accomplished nothing at all
true success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics
of your life and give up the air that you breathe
you don't need anything, you don't need anything.


i'm not sure what's going to happen to me. hey, if i disappear for a month, i'm in the hospital. i'm done forcing things, i'm done trying to avoid the inevitable, at least that's what i'm telling myself for now.

i have this weird relationship with pain and hunger. if i close my eyes and focus, i can still feel it but all of a sudden it's miles away and it's nice, realllllly nice, instead of biting or unbearable or agonizing. it's so much better than not feeling anything, so much better



remember my first or second post, when i said the reason i loved reading was because sometimes an author could articulate something i feel but can't express?

what i couldn't put into words:

"While I craved attention, I was terrified of letting someone else into my imperfect, hateful world. It was me, and only me, who could control my cravings; denying myself food was proof that I was stronger, better than most people. But I was lonely for touch. Still, my own stiff regimen of stripping myself to the core and forcing myself to turn away from those curious eyes made me feel proud, if alienated; I was trading my new-found power of flesh for something more trustworthy, something pure.
Naturally skinny, but not dangerously so, I trod the line between waif and child as I grew into a woman. And hunger became my salvation; after a while, hunger, my sexless, undemanding suitor, was my only constant friend."
from Skinny by Ibi Kaslik

082

whewwww i'm wired! no seriously i have so much energy right now. i always get like this the night before a show especially considering this is the arizona season finale ((( aka a big deal if you're a horse geek like myself )))

sux because i have to get there at 7am which means leaving at 6:30am which means getting up at like 6 and forcing myself to eat something that early will be no easy feat. umm i just had a bowl of oatmeal which...... well i would rather have been forced to sit and watch a marathon of "paris hilton's my new bff" that's saying something!

sorry i'll try and stop complaining i'm waiting for my sleep meds to kick in *ho hum*

sleep will not come easily tonight! hmm i've been listening to brand new for like...... 5 hours okay night

Nov 18, 2008

081

hey can i be honest.............?
i'm terrified. it's the way you feel when you're sleeping somewhere you've never been before and you're alone in the middle of the night, and you hear something unfamiliar, or shrill like a scream. you know that stabbing feeling you get? but it's not a regular stabbing, it's kind of dull... a giant thunk in a part of your chest so deep you didn't know it was there.

yeah welllllllll welcome to my entire world that's all i can feel right now


they ("they" being the bastards at my ED clinic) talked to my parents about inpatient yesterday and they're dead serious..... apparently because i've lost like 10lbs in just the month or so i've been there blablah NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL but they think i'm in a dangerous place/state of mind right now HELLO i coulda told you that. but anyway i guess unless they see some drastic improvement (notttttt so likely) i have no choice but to go inpatient for 30-45 days.

WHICH will cost anywhere from $150,000 to $200,000 WHICH MEANS we will have to sell my horse WHICH MEANS that as soon as i get out of the hospital i'll be a suicidal wreck again, only worse, because my one release (riding) will no longer be in the picture.


this is not a good situation i need to force myself to eat but ummm think of the thing you're most scared of and multiply it by 50, that's how i feel about calories/food right now yeah this could turn out badly



on a lighter more happy note there's a horse show this week! i rode earlier and my pony was 100% perfect i looooooveeeees himmmmm! we're competing in jumpers tomorrow, 3' equitation on friday, and jumper divisions on saturday + sunday if you care/know what all this means heh

innie a cutie? i realize you're prob kind of sick of me posting 2890344 pictures of him but he's my favorite person, people suck ok i'm kind of a misanthropist sometimes (AKA most of the time)

Nov 14, 2008

080

ok listen up i'm acting as my own personal reputation upholder

in order to prevent further future embarrassment i think it would be wise for me to refrain from posting when all i have to say is whiny blah blah emo life hating shit. which meanssssss i will not be posting much for a while, considering my psychiatrist is a fucking quack and my meds have made me *more* depressed than before!



i have recently fallen in love with several new bands yay that was LITERALLY my reason for getting out of bed this morning how pathetic okay sorry i just had to get a little bit more self-absorbed whining out before i go without






smellllllllllllllllll ya l8er

Nov 13, 2008

079

i stared out the window the whole way home. it was dark already and the moon yellowed the clouds around it and i was living in a postcard. i told my mom i wanted to be put out of my misery. the song was sanctus real's i'm not alright.


i'm not alright

Nov 12, 2008

078

toooooday i got in trouble. i've been restricting a lot and lost some more weight, um my nutritionist was **not pleased** and there was talk of inpatient eating disorder treatment. this is frustrating because i've been (sort of) trying to eat more... i mean ugh okay not really i haven't been trying too much.





a while back you were impressed by my willpower when i said no to those warm, deliciously gooey brownies with the caramel and peanut butter chips but hhhhhey i have no willpower all i have is fear! just thought you should know, eating those things makes me suicidal hehehehe



from freshman year:



doesn't it look like jesus?!!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!!????????


it's not.

Nov 11, 2008

077

brrr i'm wearing the hood on my hoodie, a rare occurence but i'm extrrreeemmeeelllyyy cold

i'd like a book filled with appropriate responses for every situation. i'm not like a movie character, i don't always know what to say! i wish i did.

i have an embarrassing crush on dr. travis stork!




you know i really only have one secret left and it's something i can 100% guarantee i will *never* put on here or tell anyone.

Nov 10, 2008

076

while i'm falling asleep words like to tumble around in my brain, i come up with the weirdest sentences! last night it was "i know, that's why i put nail polish tape on their opinions."

oh, about my eating disorder. it feels nice to type that out anywwwwwway, it's been going on for some time. the summer going into my junior year i started to have body image issues, i thought i weighed too much/wanted to change this and that/wasn't skinny enough despite what everyone said, etc.
umm since then i've lost like 35lbs and i'm pretty underweight. it wasn't really bad until recently, probably a month or so ago was when i started restricting bad. i was at about 400 calories/day for a while, and now i'm usually somewhere around 700 or so. yesterday i had 950 and felt disgusting.

( oh yeah i'm not 'allowed' to count calories but i don't care )

i'm not sure why i am this way. three or four years ago, eating disorders were a completely foreign concept, i thought they were vain. i know now, this is not vanity... i don't know what it is but i know what it's not.

i'm terrified of food. i'm more scared of food than i am of pain, of dying, of losing my friends and family, of anything i can think of. i am miiiiiserable right now.

i'm an ungrateful little fuck ugh.

Nov 9, 2008

075

you wouldn't believe how exhausting it is, spending all of your time trying to talk yourself down from that ledge. the only reason i even bother is because i have a guilt complex and don't want to make other people feel bad.

i'm so sad. plain and simple.




words float above my head like feathers or land on my chest like concrete. most of them float, so far away, they never hit home. you say you love me and it means nothing, the weight of it was lost a million "i love you"s ago.


the concrete words are few and far between, their reality stings. when you explained to me the seriousness of what i'm doing to myself, i felt it. i felt it and it scared me, it scared me to death..... but not enough to make me want to change.





shadows from december 07:












hi there, i'm chelsea and i'm stuck in my eating disorder.

Nov 8, 2008

074

last night as i was getting ready to go to bed i accidentally switched the light off while reaching for my chapstick, and i stood there in the dark for a minute and it reminded me of when i was younger, i used to turn the light off just to test my nerve and see how long i could stand it (( i was deathly afraid of the dark until i was like 10 don't laugh ))
and i would imagine that things were creeping and crawling around me and i couldn't see them, but i swore they were there ready to take me away under my bed and they'd either eat me or i'd turn into one of them and terrorize other little kids hmmmm
but no matter how scared i felt i always made myself stand there and take it, i guess when i think about it i've always liked testing my limits and hurting myself. also i used to run hot water over my hands to see how much i could take, i used to blister myself all the time......


yeah that's embarrassing so embarrassing i almost didn't post it but heyyyyyY it's not like i haven't already posted 29381038 things that i'd rather not have you know

i'm a very black and white/all or nothing kind of person.
objectivity > subjectivity

Nov 6, 2008

073

it's hard to explain hopelessness but it's the most real thing in my life right now?

i'm trying so hard to hold out anyways ugh if i hurt myself i know it would tear my parents up inside andddddd i can't do that to such selfless people. it makes me sick to think of putting them through that





why must i have empathy! i'm like one big bubble of inner conflict....... how prototypical teenager.

do i disgust you too or is it just me????

Nov 4, 2008

072

i think i was meant to live on the pacific coast....... southern california or maybe southern oregon, but probably california. why am i stuck in this desert??????!

i see beauty in beachy hair still wet from the ocean, toes curling in the hot sand, glowing sunkissed skin, hipbones like daggers stabbing/slicing the air as people walk, boys with squinted smiles from the too-bright sun, air thick with the smell of salt from the ocean and food from boardwalk restaurants.



i've been alive for 6336 days

071

hey there's this one person who i admire a lot....... she's so selfless and genuine and vulnerable and i just want to scoop her up and save her from everybody who would ever take advantage of her. she's so open and it's so dangerous for her but she's... either fearless or hopelessly naive. either way, she's an incredible person and i've only known her a little over a month but god do i admire her.

my hair looks better when it's wet than when it's dry what a dilemma
oooooooohhhhh i am so vain i cannot stand anything about myself anymore


if i could have only one thing in the world it would be the ability to organize my thoughts and feelings (mostly feelings) like easter eggs, and put them in a basket and just be able to grab them as i pleased and sort through them and describe them and feel them without them overpowering me. i mean, who ever heard of easter eggs taking over someone's life? exactly.



i'm out of words so here's a picture

post-sprinklers in my mom's garden
i love lvoelove lvoelvoelv oelfeofakf love mornings okayfsdvgsdnbbbbb

Nov 2, 2008

070


hi pony, he tried to buck me off on thursday, it was really cute. yesterday we schooled 3'3" and he was perfect we're pretty much going to kick ass at the show at the end of the month whaaaaat


oh yeah i was a hazard to my health last night?? it's like i'm living on glass and holding a giant stone, all i have to do is drop it..... the stone is unbearably heavy most of the time i'm gonna need some help or it's gonna slip

069

fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it






i am indescribably upset and discontent fuck.
i might do something stupid