Aug 30, 2009

197 wild horses couldn't drag me away

dangerous combination, your (my) heart racing breath hot at my neck hands at my ribcage smile on your face all the thoughts in my mind running together and then just ceasing to exist, then when i get home the stars are brighter in the 3am sky than i've ever seen them out here. or i won't drive home and i'll stay pressed against your back and listen to you sigh because i can never sleep but for once i'm happy not to.

what if?

Aug 27, 2009

196 you're a bird on a wire

i've had a headache for days, it's sitting right behind my eyes, and i don't know what we're doing
or if it's worth all this ache and sick twists in my stomach and the staying up late and waking up early. neglecting the things i need to do and telling you no, no, but not being able to convince you. there are parts of myself i am not willing to lose and there are other things that need to come first and that's just that.

Aug 21, 2009


the whole world would be easier if i could just stop thinking so fucking much, i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired you're not it.

Aug 20, 2009

194 we all want something beautiful

i've been quieter than usual but inside my head is roaring, my heart is pounding and i think my lungs are about to burst.

you said you saw two shooting stars that night and you wouldn't tell me what you wished for. the next night, almost three in the morning standing in the street, i asked you again and you said it didn't matter because they'd already come true. i like you

Aug 17, 2009

193 wrapped in rhythm soul space and rock n roll

what a weird situation
what do you think, are they drowning or are they only now just learning to breathe?

Aug 14, 2009

192 s is for

the only things i can handle right now: seroquel, sudoku, sleep

the only things i can feel/think right now: self-loathing, shame, sorrow, suffering, scars, sour, sad, scum, slave, stuck, suicide, sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK

i am so: sorry

Aug 11, 2009

191 i believe in silence

i smell like honey and words are melting like sugar beneath my tongue, my hair is a wild mane of golden brown waves and i feel like i'll never need to sleep again. i let myself slip back into some pretty awful habits, starving and relishing that dull ache in my gut pressing my fingertips into my hips until i swore i was touching the stark white of bone. but i'm on the other side now, my heart is swelling and i'm finally welcoming the tiny butterflies in my stomach.

i know this happens to me often, i slip into the water and just when i'm about to drown i come up gasping for air, every sweet breath filling my lungs like the million thoughts i've yet to share with the world. and i'll swear that i'm never going to slip into that ocean again but i probably will. but that's okay because while i'm here, while i'm on land, i'm going to embrace it and run through the hot sand barefoot and lay under the sun all day.
i've given up on (a boy) but i don't feel like it was too much of a loss. i was probably setting myself up for disaster, knowing the things i knew about him, i was ignoring my head to listen to my flushed cheeks and shaky knees. it's hard for me to tell sometimes because i'm in love with love and this is something i've grown to accept, i'll never ask my head to come down from the clouds because that is where i think it belongs. you fall farther when you live way up there but you live better, you live so much better.

Aug 9, 2009

Aug 3, 2009

189 we interweave so much that we've lost a bit of solid ground

back in phoenix and a safer state of mind

honestly i'm not feeling like words today so here is the weekend in photos:

and of course, my beloved monster and me

too happy for my camera to even focus on, i've come back from the dead