May 30, 2009

161 i've never stopped believing

i have lots of "i've never"s. tell me which ones surprise you

i've never smoked or gotten high.
or been drunk (hey shh this is sort of embarrassing for me but i guess i have my whole life to experience the world of intoxicated word-slurring and drunken phone calls)
i've never had sex (why is this so unbelievable! this is true i don't care WHAT YOU SAY)
i've never not worried what people thought of me.
i've never felt beautiful for more than a day.
i've never been able to see beautiful people without feeling ashamed for not measuring up.
i've never liked anything i've written or created for more than an hour after writing/creating it.

well, i have more but i'm really tired and don't feel like thinking of more. plus my mind is race race racing and i'm digging myself into a shame hole because my boss yelled at me and two coworkers tonight and i can't stop replaying it in my head. i am a ridiculously sensitive human being, i will never deny that again

oh yeah i work at a toy store (lalallaala) and you know how there are toys who are sad? like a doll with a crying face or just anything like that. anything that looks sad. i have this ridiculous sense of empathy and it just breaks my heart to look at them. they're going to be sad forever because that's how they were made and no matter who buys them and how much they love them they will never look happy.
i just want to scoop them up and take them all home and change them. the same way i used to run back and forth between the swings when i was little so that none of them would feel lonely or cold or worthless. the same way i don't usually capitalize things because i don't want any letters to feel less special than the others... this is silly i'm just going on and on

they say there's a first time for everything but i say there's also a last time for everything.

everything is a matter of perspective, mud can be beautiful and a rose can make your stomach churn

also i love the people who comment on this whoever you are. no seriously, some of the comments have really made me think and hit me hard and sunk in deep and i like that a lot.

May 26, 2009

160 "you used to be that skinny, but not anymore"

i must be made of glass, that is the only explanation i can think of, nevermind whether it's reasonable or not. it has to be true. that must be why words shatter me so easily, thrown like stones they break me down and i'm lying in a million tiny broken shards on the floor

i am disgusted with myself again, i don't understand why i can see the good in everyone else but when i see myself i am sick with disappointment and disdain.

is this battle even worth fighting, if anybody else asked me this i would tell them it is. i would tell them that they are stronger than their demons and i would tell them about the light waiting for them on the other side of this tunnel they swear will never end. and i would believe all of it.

but when i ask myself, my answer sticks in my throat and just looks at the pile of broken glass on the floor

am i real anymore?

May 24, 2009

159 demons

my eyes are shut tight but somehow everything gets through anyway

May 23, 2009

158 if i am lost for a day try to find me

"if you woke up and you were back in august, how would you feel?"

i am inclined to say shattered, crushed, defeated, hopeless, wasted, shocked
you know that feeling when you wake up from an impossibly glorious dream and you realize it was not real? multiply that times your age and add one billion

the other night i had a dream something tragic happened to you and i hugged you and you cried and later we fell asleep together, my head was on your chest, rising and falling with each breath and in the dream all i could see was gold. i swore, i still swear i felt it in that dream like i would have felt it if you were here

i hate waking up some mornings, so much

honestly all i want is to be somebody's comfort and i want to make them feel happy and simple and real

May 21, 2009

157 nice day for a walk in the dark

can't sleep, the worst thing is i can't tell if it's because i'm ashamed or because i am proud

shame and pride should never be interchangeable

May 19, 2009

156 non-regrets

last august i almost ended my life

it's this weird sort of murky blur in my memory, some things are there so sharp but some things are clouded and blown away by wind and i don't try hard to bring them back. i remember little details like what i was wearing and the way i was worried about my legs being too pale. i remember going to my school's orientation already buried in my deep dark hole; i had spent a week crying and shaking and wondering why, why anything

throughout the entire orientation i was too exhausted with depression to even feign a smile and anyway it didn't matter because i would be gone soon.

when i got home my mom knew what was happening and a few blurry hours later i was sitting in the psychiatric hospital waiting for an evaluation. her eyes were rimmed with red and i didn't care, i was too tired to care and i just kept saying that i was going to kill myself. one of the small details i'll never forget was the way i said it, completely void of tone or emotion, just fact. dry, hard, cold fact and i avoided the eyes of the strangers in the waiting room and played with the lid of a water bottle.

i lied when they asked me, was i going to follow through with it? of course not, and i turned my eyes to the window knowing that i was. they told me that "technically" they should have me admitted and i said that i needed to go home. they let me.

when we got home i stood in my room with my forehead pressed against my wall and i cried. and i was still going to kill myself.

i really don't remember that much else, other than that the feelings didn't leave me for another few weeks and i had to see a psychiatrist who told me that curing my eating disorder was as simple as going home and eating three solid meals a day. i never went back to him.

there are these things in everyone's life i call non-regrets. things that you were this close to doing but didn't, and maybe your life is a little easier because of the choice you made. maybe it helped you get into the college you've had your eye on. maybe it saved a friendship. maybe it saved your life.

this post was hard for me to remember and even harder to write, my hands are usually so steady but they're shaking. but i wanted to get this out there because i know i am not the first person and i won't be the last person to ever fall into that hole. it was the darkest place i've ever been and i don't want to go back and i don't want anybody else to go there either.

nothing anybody says can stop somebody who has absolutely made up their mind but i'm not going to leave without giving it a try

remember, the biggest thing we all have in common is that we're all going to die. time is sand slipping through all of our fingers. if that doesn't make me feel closer to the world, i don't know what does

May 18, 2009

155 i want to know what you think

about anything, about everything
and hey i promise you don't have to worry about me judging you have you seen some of the crazy shit i've written in here, i have no room to judge

honestly i'm scared to enable comments because i'm afraid nobody will leave any but i just really want to hear what other people have to say

154 just a question

how many times am i going to have to almost die until this feeling stays?

May 16, 2009

153 no one's home

going to walmart depresses the hell out of me. every time i go i end up feeling like giants have settled themselves down on my eyelids and are trying to whisper me to sleep. not a nice sleep, the sleep i've been having lately has been restless and littered with dreams that wake me up, either freezing and shaking or sweating and burning from the inside out.

i look around and i just see this dead-end life and miserable people and i know i'm doomed to that same life, going shopping on the weekends for things i need around the house and coming home to laundry and dirty windows to wash and always having something to do

i think everybody is wearing an invisible pair of sunglasses and we have to live with whichever pair we get. some lenses show the world in a bright golden light with smiles and hope around every corner. and the other ones... they just aren't the same

which ones do you have on?

May 14, 2009

152 too blind to see tomorrow, too broke to beg or borrow

"Ok, you know what?
Chuckanuka. That's what.
Chuckanuka worries about pretty much everything under the sun. What if the phone rings when I go out? What if the mail man tries to deliver my Deluxe Ugly Earmuffs when I'm in the bathroom? Hey, I don't remember leaving the closet door open just a crack like that! What if I can't ever stop thinking about my name over and over?
Chuckanuka has a pretty strange way of looking at life. Sometimes he wonders if this is all just a hologram, and on other days he wonders what's going to happen if they stop making CD players... How will I play my favorite CDs??? I have over nine of them!!!
Poor Chuckanuka.
Lucky Chuckanuka."

well, my heart is beating differently right now. it's like it's finally beating for something instead of just aimlessly thumping and clunking the days away.

hey maybe it's just the music but if it is i will listen to it forever

May 11, 2009

150 terrible terrible terrible

i'm way too upset to sleep EVER AGAIN my mind is just racing i did something stupid i went online and looked at the calories for what i had for dinner at tgi friday's (yay mother's day celebrations uum fuck) and i thought i was going to PASS OUT and i didn't even look up the dessert

i'm back to losing sleep over this kind of stuff what is going to happen to me i don't really want to get better right now

always comparing i hate this, the thoughts are saying "she wouldn't eat like that you better make up for it tomorrow"

i am having a shitty week right now and it's all because of food what a joke

something i regret:

look my little gold bracelet says the word hope on it i'm not going to lie i did that on purpose
but yeah the damage was done around christmas when i had just been admitted to mirasol and things were going not so hot for me, i know what people think now when they see my wrist and i can't decide whether i'm more amused by their horror or embarrassed


May 10, 2009

149 'cause i want to pick peaches off a cherry tree

i'm not as brave as i thought
'cause my heart gets broken so easily
so just be gentle, be gentle with me

i'm a hopeless romantic, my fingers are always crossed and my heart is always a'dreamin!

May 9, 2009

148 i'm sorry

okay so last night was admittedly not my best night. and obviously neither is tonight since it is saturday and i'm at home blogging.... :(

i really shouldn't stay up late, i end up slipping into this sort of tired numbness or numb tiredness i'm not really sure which or if they're even different. if i sit and let my mind wander it always comes back to a bunch of ghosts sitting in a circle counting the freckles spread across the bridge of their nose and their shivering shoulders, and then i'll stop caring about the world and my life and i'll *****.

whenever i [do something dumb] i have these wild out of control dreams where i'm driving on the freeway and i can't control my car. last night was the worst. i dreamt i was driving and there was a motorcyclist stopped in front of me and my brakes wouldn't work and i hit him hard and crushed him/his bike. his legs were broken and all bending the wrong direction and i just kept saying i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry and i called 911 and they came and he was just screaming the whole time
and as always i wake up with my tongue and teeth and gums coated in guilt, like i'm choking on it and my mouth is too dry and i can't swallow. still saying i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry

147 :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

i can't stop i hate myself ugh so grossssssssss help me help me help me help me help me

May 7, 2009

146 i wish i had a single thought the least bit legitimate enough

to open up my mouth and say anything i mean, i don't mean anything

i like to collage because words alone fail me sometimes

sometimes i close my eyes and i see a pale girl with long messy wavy hair tangled around her (bony) shoulders, there are dark circles under her eyes like she hasn't slept in days and she's gaunt, she's so gaunt but she's so lovely, like a small sculpture of ivory clay, only the artist didn't have enough clay so he decided to make her as big around as the pen he used to draw two lovers sitting on a park bench with their fingers laced together as perfect as the laces on your favorite old sneakers
she's peeling polish off her fingernails and her lips are cracked and dry and she's sitting almost naked on the floor in her bathroom and she knows she's the only one in the house but she's careful not to make a sound. and always she's thinking, thoughts are racing around in her mind so fast and loud that soon they have to come out, but they only come out as a whisper
and when she hears the words it's as if somebody else has spoken them. they startle her, interrupt the stark white silence of her empty little world and stain it deep red

"i will always be here"

and it's a promise that's dangerous and horrible but it's a promise all the same and that's all she's ever wanted, all she ever wanted was somebody to promise they would always be there after he left

this kind of demon was so much more reliable than a person, hate was so much more reliable than love

can you even imagine letting that go? i'm struggling right now, i can already feel it coating my mouth thick and dull and terrible and i know what the morning will bring

original photo

alexithymia (a⋅lex⋅i⋅thy⋅mi⋅a) (n.)
difficulty in experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional responses.

May 4, 2009

145 i am on my own but it's nice to see you came along

this band is my #1 guilty pleasure i allow myself to indulge from time to time. it makes me feel a little better if i mention that they're from my hometown and i liked them way before they became known as eye candy and little tween girls started kissing their pictures OKAY I LIKED THEM BEFORE THEY WERE COOL

people ask me what i like and i say, well i don't know. i like riding horses and photography and writing and music. and running, i like running. but that is so basic.

if you really wanted to know, i like freckles and dimples and nice hands. i like when i don't forget to take my antidepressants, breathing is so much easier. i like fragile things and things that glow in the dark, and butterflies in my stomach. i like epiphanies and i like driving at night because your headlights make it so other people can't see you in your car dancing and singing along to the radio. i like poetic people whose words seem to be made out of more than just letters, like every word has its own story to tell if you'd just ask it the right way. i like conversations that don't make sense but somehow mean the most. i like it when people tell me i'm not what they expected.

these are the things i want to say but i think it would make things strange. that's my problem, i'm always so afraid of what you think. yes, you... everybody

i used to like my slow pulse and shaky cold blue hands, and how the only way i could get warm was by running a boiling bath and even then PART of me was still always freezing. i used to like my growling stomach and blackouts and blisters from overexercising. i think if i went back to it i would still like it but i'm trying so hard... every day not to give in.

unfortunately i still love the look of bones, i don't know if i will ever get over this. they're just beautiful to me. i wonder sometimes if it's because they represent something so solid but so fragile, they hold us together but they are relatively easy to break. the more they push against my skin like they're trying to break free, the more real they are

this is an alteration of a photo i took a few weeks (months? who knows) ago
i think i might have overdone it but i just downloaded a free trial of photoshop elements 7.0 and i got a little overexcited sorry lol maybe i'll post the original sometime when my eyes aren't trying to trick me

i wrote a short story the other day but i am afraid to share it

May 3, 2009

144 wasting words on lowercases and capitals

do you want it enough? your life
it's not fair, you know
so many people have their lives stolen from them when they would give anything for just one more day, one more breath

and here we are wasting time, life, breath

who the fuck do we think we are?

May 2, 2009

143 people love and they hate and i guess it's just our turn to hate

breathing ice again gasping there is not enough air here