Apr 26, 2010

226 your love is gonna drown

i'm at the community college i love it and hate it here sometimes. 40 minutes til my next class i might just ditch. i feel fat today my jeans are tight i don't wanna eat lunch but i might. my purse is on the table in front of me, kinda too close to the guy sitting next to me but i don't wanna move it because then what will he think?! why do i care?!

i'm really frustrated this morning. are you WILDLY jealous of anyone? i can think of a couple. it's pretty bad because i end up comparing to the point of making myself sick. it's rough but it's hard to stop. i mean i'm a lot better than i was but i still fixate on stupid things like how pretty someone else is and how that somehow makes me lesser of a person, even though i know it really doesn't. i wish i could tell you.

stream of consciousness WHAT'SUPPP

choking on limbs, i'm half empty today but i feel all the way full. i swallow trees and my skeleton is made of ivory branches and my feet stick to the ground. roots sink into the soil from my skin and i'm stuck here and that girl had my jeans!!! i lose focus too fast, i think too fast and i move too slow. my sails are still with no wind to push them through this water. it's deep and it's starting to look black and it gets cold at night. goosebumps write me stories and talk to me about what it was like a year ago, with wolves nipping my ankles whenever i tried to give in. i always had bandages above my feet, soaked through with blood and ripped to shreds again by the teeth biting down to my bones. it's hard not to listen to the goosebu mps sometimes but they're just trying to kill me! trying to make me give in and go back to the near-comatose state that landed me in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and consciousness. click your heels and run away and when you trip get back up because that's all you can do if you don't want to stay stuck here and melt into the dirt. the rain never felt so good on my skin, i just want to live in a star.

Apr 23, 2010

225 senselessness for the sake of sleep

it's never winter here! i'm tired. i'm hhhungry but i'm shirtless so i'm not going to go into the kitchen to get food. i'm that lazy. i need to wash my makeup off but sleep sounds good. sleep drugs. why, when i am emotionally unavailable, does everyone with a penis suddenly decide i'm appealing? i only love one boy, he's still my brightest light and you will never ever be him. sorryh, and i don't like your shoes or the way you touch my leg when we're in your car! i do like looking up baby animals on google. did you know you can type "foofle.com" in the address bar and it will take you to google? or gewgle or googel and some other variations i'm sure.



i know what the fuck is something so cute doing here in this blog i just needed some lightening up!!!!! cutes

Apr 18, 2010

224 i wish that i could follow through

i know that your love is true and deep as the sea

^ not me sry just love that picture....

um, this is for t. i'm going to miss you so fucking much. i'm going to miss us, the way we were together, so fucking much. if i'm honest with myself this was the right thing to do but it still baffles me what a beautiful fucking human being you are. i have NEVER felt so loved by anybody! promise me you will always be in my life. i would give anything for you to hold me right now

Apr 16, 2010

223



umm what sleep?!
i'll be back soon..........

Apr 11, 2010

222 oh sunday



i can feel words swimming through my veins. they electrify and inspire and sometimes horrify me. i want to be able to express myself. i'm transferring from the local community college to the closest university (asu/#1 party school unghhh) to enter the creative writing program asap. i'm only 18 but i'm already going to be a junior in college next semester!? i have so much life ahead of me! i'm still so young.

sundays are lazy. sundays are for old ripped up jeans and sloppy white tank tops and not caring about chipped nail polish. sundays are for downloading tons of new music and only liking three songs. sundays are for no makeup and rubbing your eyes all you want! and for choppy poetry that doesn't flow or rhyme or matter. emptying your words just for the sake of emptying them, to make room for more. birds, little, dark, shoes, crimson, blush legs beauty wistful dust ribcage sad white freckle ghost

Apr 10, 2010

221

damn you know that group of kids from your high school that were all tan and the girls had blonde hair and high heels and tight jeans, and the guys all had muscles and nice shirts and white teeth and they smelled good? you know, they partied on the weekends and had hundreds of pictures of beer pong and drunkenness on their myspace, and they had casual sex just cause. you know those kids?


THIS IS WHAT THEY TURN INTO


sorry snookums you orange stout little person i'm throwing you to the wolves PEACE

Apr 8, 2010

220 flying to the sun without a plane when you're here

CAN YOU BELIEVE...

-it's been over a year since i came home from mirasol. (i still have vivid dreams about it, like i've gone back and everything is almost the same.) i still credit it with being the push i needed to save my life! i guarantee if it had not been for that place i would have disappeared a long time ago

-i eat now! like a normal person more or less, when i'm hungry i eat and when i'm full i stop. well okay sometimes. and i don't throw up my feelings anymore or starve until i can't stand up. i mostly eat breakfast foods all day but hey i just love breakfast

-i've opened up to someone. completely. (by choice!!!!!!! wtf did you know i was capable of that, me neither) he knows everything there is to know about me and more, from my crazy black and white brain down to the tiny bump in the middle of my head right where my skin meets my hairline. he's become my best friend and more and as scary as it's been i've learned that there are people out there who will love you for everything you are, whether you're made up and dressed up and shining or you're raw and broken down and ready to give up.



i have so much to say. taking some time away from this was probably good for me, i needed to gather thoughts instead of forcing myself to write things that meant nothing just for the sake of having something to post.

i hope all is well with you, whoever you are, i'm not sure how many people will ever read this again but it's here!



i am so HaPpY ASKDhsKHdsakfhsahdahb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apr 7, 2010

219 hello!

i still exist, you know. i can't believe how long it's been since i started this! i might be back, i've missed you, blog who cannot talk back