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i love consistent people, it's really hard for me when i never know what to expect from somebody... it tends to make me feel like i'm doing something wrong

ummmMMm i had something to say i really did

i remember freshman year i was so angsty oh boy was i angsty... i mean i was generally alright with life and it was a pretty good year, but one of my best friends at the time decided to get into drugs and we used to talk on the phone every night and he told me he loved me and i told him i loved him and at the time it was just friendly? and sure i had feelings for him for a while and i found out he felt the same but we never got past friendship because he loved to get hIIIgh and he never seemed like a real person when he was

and i gave him my ps2 lol i miss it so much now (yes i am a loser) but apparently he sold it to satisfy a "need"

i feel more connected to life now than i ever have before, it's really nice to be able to feel things again. i missed out on a lot and nobody even realized it. i'm too good at hiding things probably, i don't really want people to know when i'm not doing well.....
life is easier when people aren't always asking you "what's wrong" and giving you sympathetic "i've been there" looks when how could they have been there unless i'm missing something??

you never knew it before but i was far more screwed up than you probably ever imagined but i'm so much better



things i want to do before i die:

- find the words to tell somebody exactly how i feel about them

- go streaking (yes streaking)

- lay on the hood of a car with somebody close to me at night and talk about something not superficial without feeling awkward at all

- stand up to somebody who intimidates me

- go to greece

- go to the beach at night with a friend and lay flat in the sand for no good reason

- ride on the beach

- make somebody feel like the most important person in the world

- inspire somebody

- go bungee jumping and skydiving (and survive, or maybe i should save this one for last just in case)

- make friends with myself

- obviously it's human nature to not want to go out of this world a virgin correct??

- drive nowhere when it's too late to be night and too early to be morning, listening to music that reminds me of "back when..."



i'll add to this as i think of more must-do things but right now i'm sick and my mind is foggy like that time i was in maine and i stood on the cliffs by the ocean and everything was so huge and i remember how much i loved feeling so small and insignificant

thank you ocean!

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