214 step out the front door like a ghost

into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white

ugh, this fucking headache. and i am disgusted with myself again. everything hurts i'm bleeding out the brain i'm pretty sure and it's not even late but i'm about to turn out the hotel light and sleep in my jeans. hair falling in my eyes forget i'm breathing i can feel my bones grinding and i just want to go home right now, i just want to go home


she says, "shh, i know, i know it's only in my head"
but the girl on the car in the parking lot says
"man, you should try to take a shot
can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
then she looks up at the building, says
"i'm thinking of jumping,"
she says, "i'm sick and tired of life"
everybody's tired of something

when did this happen and why does that inevitable ghost always seep into my skin and freeze my bones when the sun has just begun to warm me again

213 flew

i slept for three hours and now it feels like morning. naps turn my day upside down, i feel like it's early morning, so early it's still dark out, and i should be going somewhere on a plane or a long car ride with pillows and sleeping on someone's shoulder in the backseat. headphones in, eyes closed, world flying by outside and i wouldn't even know

(by Könrad)

when i woke up i heard my mom and my aunt in the living room talking about when their mom died. they were really young, my mom was 17 and my aunt was even younger. my aunt said how she felt empty, my mom talked about how there was so much food left over after the funeral and how at her graduation she was so lonely because her mom wasn't there. the conversation somehow ended with my aunt complaining about her professor who says 'fuck' ten times every class. i got up and made some cereal and walked back into my room and was wondering if i have mono because i've been so tired, i feel like i could sleep for days or weeks and maybe when i woke up i wouldn't feel like taking things for granted anymore

212 walking crooked down the beach

she spits in the sand where their bones are bleaching

i'm frrrrreezing, wearing a hoodie and one of my favorite pairs of old washed out slumped over nearly shredded jeans and my legs are crossed and my feet are tucked in underneath them to keep them warm but still i'm so cold, my fingers are freezing like little icicles


sometimes i'm walking and i realize something and it's like a slap in the face or someone dropped something on my head from a second story window. today i realized how endless and pointless and destructive my habit of comparing myself to other people is, i tend to think that because somebody else is beautiful there's no way i am too. like there can only be one beautiful person in the world at any given moment and since it's obviously her, i must be nothing. i don't know, i don't really have anything to say could you tell




i'm going to tucson for another show over the weekend, i'm excited but i can't really get myself up to pack because i'm afraid to go in the kitchen, fuck meeeeee how stupid is this

211

it's tangible, a dampened down version of the love we see in the movies, it's in my head not my heart. i think if i could just learn to take a dive and live through my heart and stop trying to see, we could have something great. i don't want to be the person who breaks your heart, but i can't seem to give you mine

210 blurred the lines of lust and love

i suppose you learn to live with these things but for right now i feel sick

209 sidewalk crouches at her feet

time escapes, slides through cracks in the windows and out into the air and it's gone. you can't patch up the windows and you can't catch it when it floats away, chances are you don't even try. but there's always more waiting there to be found, to be used up, whether it's noticed or it's not. there's always more until it's gone. what do you do when you run out of time?

208 of nightmares and sleeping pills

driving home alone last night i was so tired that i started to regret the best thing that's ever happened to me. i made myself shut it out, parked the car, left the lights on, pressed my head on the steering wheel that disappears in my dreams, turned the lights off just as i was about to fall asleep. walked inside, took a sleeping pill, slept for almost 10 hours.

i dreamed i was on a raft with two other people, i knew them but now i can't remember who they were. we jumped into the river, somehow we were starving, and we swam to the other side. went into a huge house where two young girls and their older sister were living. their parents were out of town until the next day, they said we could stay. we stayed and had toast and i took a shower and i remember the color of the shampoo. flash to: two nearly dead figures lying in the woods, bones so sharp they're sticking through the skin, and i somehow know this is supposed to be me.

sometimes i fucking hate the dreams i have when i take seroquel