Jun 25, 2010

243 the moon and the stars are ganging up on the sun

whenever i begin one of these posts, i never know where it is going to go. maybe i have a few things in mind, but if i do i usually end up not even writing about them. things like i want to make a website and start a writing portfolio, the other day my 6 year old niece legitimately kicked my ass at wii bowling, and i devoured a book in two days which is something i've missed. i spend so much time numbing out! it's time for me to wake up.

i kind of miss my old entries. i used to write about things that mattered, or at least i tried. maybe i tried too hard but at least they turned out alright. i don't know, i guess things change.

i feel like i have an extra layer of skin, right beneath the surface. my second skin is impenetrable, most of the time. when someone pours their soul into me and tells me how they love me, i am numb. it's like a layer of ice, and i don't know how to melt it. i've spent so long building it up. what, 18 years? i'll be 19 soon, in less than a week. 19 years of carving an ice sculpture into my bones, under my skin, so cold sometimes i'm starved for feeling.

sometimes though, the light creeps in and i don't know where it came from but i am in love with the feeling, as in love as i'll ever be with anyone or anything. these are the moments i live for, the moments i can grab hold of and stuff in my pockets and come back to on a rainy day. the ice melts, and i radiate golden heat and my eyes shine. no more mouth coated with guilt, no more dry choking on dust, no more diving into ice. just rays of sun and sounds of summer. i've been having more of these moments lately.

almost a year since t walked into my store after not seeing him for 6 years! amazing, how time changes things. never would i have dreamed that we would be here, now. never would have imagined waking up tangled with him and with my hand pressed against his neck. what do i want? what am i waiting for? what did i leave behind? did i leave anything behind?

i am trying to fall in love, but the ice and the questions are making it so hard. sometimes i am there, ice melted, i am head-over-heels just like in the movies and the books. mostly, though, i am stuck. i don't feel afraid, so i don't know what keeps me here. i always tell you, there's something missing, there's something missing and i need it. my candle isn't lit. i don't know what it is. it's intangible, it has no words, and if it does will you please tell me? how can you do everything so right and still leave me wanting more? am i just insatiable or am i justified in my longings? i don't know, and i'm afraid the only way i'll ever find out will be very, very painful. and it will take a very, very long time.

in the meantime i am trying to stop questioning things that don't need to be questioned. i am trying to let go, have fun. i'm still so young and i have so much ahead of me! i am trying to hold onto the moments that take me away from solitude and discontent, and i am trying to stop running from things that make my heart race, like the treehouse adventures with you:

never would have thought this would be possible. so what am i going to do with it? the clay is in my hands, pliable, soft, warm, and the possibilities are endless. it's going to determine so much but i haven't the faintest clue where to go. i'm counting on you, i'm hoping for the best and not worrying about the worst. i do love you, i am just so unsure of myself.

Jun 19, 2010

242 i title these after i write them

i want to lose 3429013 lbs sometimes. like now. which is silly but it's because i haven't been eating enough and it's fueling the fire. plus i'm pissed at (you) kind of even though it's probably not a big deal. i will blow it out of proportion because that is what i do when i forget how to deal with life and its happenings. right now i'm annoyed because my friend always comes into town at the last minute (after high school she moved to a city a few hours away) and every time she just expects to stay at my place without even asking. how do i tell her i just want to be alone tonight? how do i tell her i just want to be alone most nights? that it's sort of an inconvenience for her to come and stay at my house for 3 days without asking and without warning. i love her but i'm frustrated and i'm trying so hard not to take it out on someone else but then the frustration just sits in my stomach like a hot ball of something toxic and it needs somewhere to go so i take it out on myself and i can't even cry, so the hot ball of toxicity sits and boils and gets hotter and maybe i'll dig into my skin to free just a little bit of it, but i'm trying not to do that. maybe i'll just go to sleep, yeah.

today was too much but I'M TRYING. tomorrow i'll just take it a little easier, not rush headlong into something so foreign-feeling since the waves have taken me down. i have hope i guess, i try anyways. i'll be waking up at 6 to go spend hours and hours at the barn with my mom's new horse (eeee he's cute i am so happy for my mom; there's a part of her that lights up when she's with the horses and she was absolutely heartbroken when she had to say goodbye to her last horse), and of course my lovely lenardo

(i may or may not have uploaded this photo of us before i'm not caring)
so much about this photo before i say bye:
-obviously, my horse, who i credit with saving my life and dragging me out of the darkest times
-it was taken by my best friend at the time, best friend of 8 years and practically a sister, we have both changed so much and there's something big and nameless between us now. we'll probably never get past it
-(too big, too long) brown shirt brought home from my wonderful dad when he got back from a trip to ohio. he always brings me back a (too big, too long) shirt when he goes on trips and i love it because it reminds me of when i was little and used to wear his shirts. the sleeves would go down past my elbows even on short-sleeved shirts and the bottom would be mid-shin.
-um i need to get my hair cut to that length again because ^that was my legit, hasn't-been-touched bedhead. now it's so long it just kind of aldajfahfs tangles itself and kills me.
-nardo is licking my hand up thar

okay night

Jun 15, 2010

241 imagery to up my spirits

i love:
giraffes (my ~soul animal~)

flecks of light and ocean

love, lust, the curve of a warm body

wild, green, freedom, flowers

cute soft little sleepy-eyed kittens

Jun 14, 2010


oatmeal with cinnamon and sugar mmmm it burned my tongue but i choose to forgive because it is so delicious and warm and i am so hungry and cold mmmmmm

Jun 10, 2010

239 and the coma you slip into will hold all this against you and you'll learn to bite your tongue when you speak

tonight i'm not going to cheat and use pictures from flickr, you will be seeing ACTUAL photographs from my ACTUAL life \o/ i've just always wanted to use that emoticon thing. and this one \m/ rock on.

hiii it's not late but i'm tired, the time at the bottom of these posts is always off sometimes it's not even on the right day. idk what time it's telling you but it is IN FACT 11:51pm here. and i need to get up by 6 in the morning ~~~enthusiasm***

i'm here to say that i'm just like all of you! i'm really normal. boring, even. i tend to become fascinated with people online through their blogs etc (not a creeper okay i just like getting lost in the life of a stranger from time to time, that's what books are right?!), and i almost put them on this unreal level where they're this ethereal being with perfect-like-honey words and their shoelaces never get worn out. you know why i think this happens? i'm only being exposed to a small part of their world, the part they're willing to share with me. the rest is their own. the people i know in person, especially the ones i'm close to, i see their world for what it is (at least to some extent), i hear them fumble over words because we have no backspace button, we only have our bumbling thoughts and tongue twisters and thoughts that come too fast for our mouths.

if you were to meet me in person, i think, you might not even believe i write this. i'm so normal! my room is a complete mess, my car is scratched up on the doors from the two times i've locked my keys in it and had to break in, i feel INSANELY awkward around people sometimes, i get flushed and embarrassed and hot-cheeked when i stumble over my words (often), my puppy:

chews up my shoes >:(, my phone dies, i don't give two shits about politics, i am insanely flaky when it comes to returning text messages, i have added people i didn't like or didn't even know on facebook just to up my friend count, i get stuck in routine, i hide my face in pictures:
i worry and overanalyze when people take too long to respond to a text/email/whatever because it MUST mean they don't like me right?!?!, and i need to do my laundry before it takes over my room any more. i will even take a picture to illustrate this:

YIKES so yeah i'm pretty typical. my laptop battery is about to die also which is probably a sign from god that i need to go to bed. i think i'm beginning to take a couple steps toward the light, again! this is a constant theme with me, obviously. thanks for sticking in there for those of you who actually read this! it makes me glad to know it hasn't all been in vain.

Jun 6, 2010

238 everybody's trying to be the best, what about the girl with the loneliness

From the inside out
You've changed, girl
You know you have
Don't make a good thing bad
Just let me hold you in my hands

i like adjectives a lot, and soft nouns and i like sad words and words that glow. i want to be a writer, i love to tangle words together and i want to create meaning.

this is an exercise i read about in someone else's blog. you write ten words starting with a, then b, then c, etc. all the way through the alphabet. IT'S TOUGH. and i'm embarrassed to share it especially because at the end when you're writing it you're like well wtf the letter x sucks balls. and so does z. but hey i've got nothing to lose right?@?!?!?? right.

awakened and alive, another amazing accomplishment.
angles are abundant among beautiful bare bones,
bound breathlessly,
broken, brittle beneath boldly blushing crimson,
crushing cadences. cradled cries concealed,
"careful. comparisons can't cure despair."
divine devils dance, delving deeper.
death doesn't dare dream.
emerald eyes evoke emotion,
eventually even expose enigmas.
erase everything.
forever's finite forgiveness flickers,
feathers fall from frailty,
find fever.
faking genuine gratitude, giving girls greatness,
grassy games gave good graves.
heaven has horses, hell harbors heroes
her hands hold his head in ice,
illustrate impossible indifference.
"i ignite, inspire. if it jades, just jump."
judges, juries jeering,
juliet's jewels kill kneeling kings,
kindly knit kisses kick keepsakes,
kerosene lights lovers' laughter,
listening like leaves.
lifetime lullabies look lost.
melancholy midnights mean moonlit mourning,
most mothers miss mumbled "mommy"s.
now nightmares need nothing,
neither neverending negativity nor
naivety near opal oceans of omniscient openmindedness.
once obsoletion overcomes optimism,
owls push pessimism,
pretty parades perish.
people pay painful prices,
praying quilted quotations quickly quell queen's quarrels.
quivers quit questioning quaint roads,
rejection, reddened rages replace romance,
revenge results.
races run solely so sorrow stays sleeping,
sprinting soon stops sufficing.
suffering takes time to tear through thick thoughts,
tender tales tossed tensely, unchained, under used up ultimatums.
undone umbrellas unabashedly use uncloaked victims.
virtues vanish, vacancy validates vicious vices.
viper venom visits where whispers wage wars,
we wish we wanted warmth.
xylophones, x-rays, xo's, x's, x-mas, x-ing, xylograph, xeric xanadus, xenolith
your yellow youth yells yesterday's yearning,
you yelp yielding years.
zipping zapping zooming zany zealous zoo zebras zamboni zambezi zebrawood

hi can you tell the x's and z's are just thrown together :) that's okay. i like this (?????!) i actually do! it's nice to be able to say that sigh. i hope all is well with you, readers if i have any. i love you all mwahhh

Jun 1, 2010

237 ssssssskin

spent the weekend in flagstaff with seven other people in a cabin and now i hate them all except for three. well, i was never that enchanted by the rest of them anyways. one night i was so frustrated i slept in my car wrapped up like a cocooned caterpillar in t's sleeping bag and my (used-to-be) white hoodie. and the night before that i was just as much a mess but instead of being raged i was apathetic and crying and trying to get t to let go of me so i could drive home alone for 3 hours in the middle of the night, not that i would have been able to drive

i am not enchanting or delightful or inspiring or interesting or lovely okay. i am a mask. i'm going to have a new scar from a moment of weakness over something so stupid it makes me want to puke and i'm just disgusted with myself, again.

side note i do not get along with girls, at all. i spent the entire weekend avoiding the two girls that were there because i literally cannot be around them. so i am predisposed to disliking half of the world's population AWESOME

also i used the words fuck/shit/asshole/cock/twatface probably 6000 times this weekend and talked bad about someone and laughed when r's droid phone said that s (one of the girls we were camping with) had a face like pig testicles so i'm officially going to hell.


.....wow so i wrote all of that yesterday and left it as a draft because i didn't feel finished with it yet. i was exhausted so forgive my excessive whining. instead here are the good things that happened at the cabin:

i sat in a treehouse for the first time in my life !!!
i am apparently a dart-playing fiend/prodigy and also a great scorekeeper
barq's rootbeer enough said
two hour long hike with j and t, discovering a canyon with a creek (i caught a tiny frog in my hand and he was just lovely despite his slimy complexion) and a small cavern where the light was KILLER GORGEOUS

btw i'm just letting you know all of the pictures on here lately have been from flickr so they link through to the original photographer because god knows i'm not that good

yeah other stuff but i'm battling my brain a little so that's it for now. skeet skeet