Showing posts from June, 2010

243 the moon and the stars are ganging up on the sun

whenever i begin one of these posts, i never know where it is going to go. maybe i have a few things in mind, but if i do i usually end up not even writing about them. things like i want to make a website and start a writing portfolio, the other day my 6 year old niece legitimately kicked my ass at wii bowling, and i devoured a book in two days which is something i've missed. i spend so much time numbing out! it's time for me to wake up.
i kind of miss my old entries. i used to write about things that mattered, or at least i tried. maybe i tried too hard but at least they turned out alright. i don't know, i guess things change.
i feel like i have an extra layer of skin, right beneath the surface. my second skin is impenetrable, most of the time. when someone pours their soul into me and tells me how they love me, i am numb. it's like a layer of ice, and i don't know how to melt it. i've spent so long building it up. what, 18 years? i'll be 19 soon, in less th…

242 i title these after i write them

i want to lose 3429013 lbs sometimes. like now. which is silly but it's because i haven't been eating enough and it's fueling the fire. plus i'm pissed at (you) kind of even though it's probably not a big deal. i will blow it out of proportion because that is what i do when i forget how to deal with life and its happenings. right now i'm annoyed because my friend always comes into town at the last minute (after high school she moved to a city a few hours away) and every time she just expects to stay at my place without even asking. how do i tell her i just want to be alone tonight? how do i tell her i just want to be alone most nights? that it's sort of an inconvenience for her to come and stay at my house for 3 days without asking and without warning. i love her but i'm frustrated and i'm trying so hard not to take it out on someone else but then the frustration just sits in my stomach like a hot ball of something toxic and it needs somewhere to go…

241 imagery to up my spirits

i love: giraffes (my ~soul animal~)

flecks of light and ocean

love, lust, the curve of a warm body

wild, green, freedom, flowers

cute soft little sleepy-eyed kittens


oatmeal with cinnamon and sugar mmmm it burned my tongue but i choose to forgive because it is so delicious and warm and i am so hungry and cold mmmmmm

239 and the coma you slip into will hold all this against you and you'll learn to bite your tongue when you speak

tonight i'm not going to cheat and use pictures from flickr, you will be seeing ACTUAL photographs from my ACTUAL life \o/ i've just always wanted to use that emoticon thing. and this one \m/ rock on.
hiii it's not late but i'm tired, the time at the bottom of these posts is always off sometimes it's not even on the right day. idk what time it's telling you but it is IN FACT 11:51pm here. and i need to get up by 6 in the morning ~~~enthusiasm***
i'm here to say that i'm just like all of you! i'm really normal. boring, even. i tend to become fascinated with people online through their blogs etc (not a creeper okay i just like getting lost in the life of a stranger from time to time, that's what books are right?!), and i almost put them on this unreal level where they're this ethereal being with perfect-like-honey words and their shoelaces never get worn out. you know why i think this happens? i'm only being exposed to a small part of their …

238 everybody's trying to be the best, what about the girl with the loneliness

From the inside out
You've changed, girl
You know you have
Don't make a good thing bad
Just let me hold you in my hands

i like adjectives a lot, and soft nouns and i like sad words and words that glow. i want to be a writer, i love to tangle words together and i want to create meaning.
this is an exercise i read about in someone else's blog. you write ten words starting with a, then b, then c, etc. all the way through the alphabet. IT'S TOUGH. and i'm embarrassed to share it especially because at the end when you're writing it you're like well wtf the letter x sucks balls. and so does z. but hey i've got nothing to lose right?@?!?!?? right.

awakened and alive, another amazing accomplishment. angles are abundant among beautiful bare bones, bound breathlessly, broken, brittle beneath boldly blushing crimson, crushing cadences. cradled cries concealed, "careful. comparisons can't cure despair." divine devils dance, delving deeper. death doesn't dare d…

237 ssssssskin

spent the weekend in flagstaff with seven other people in a cabin and now i hate them all except for three. well, i was never that enchanted by the rest of them anyways. one night i was so frustrated i slept in my car wrapped up like a cocooned caterpillar in t's sleeping bag and my (used-to-be) white hoodie. and the night before that i was just as much a mess but instead of being raged i was apathetic and crying and trying to get t to let go of me so i could drive home alone for 3 hours in the middle of the night, not that i would have been able to drive

i am not enchanting or delightful or inspiring or interesting or lovely okay. i am a mask. i'm going to have a new scar from a moment of weakness over something so stupid it makes me want to puke and i'm just disgusted with myself, again.

side note i do not get along with girls, at all. i spent the entire weekend avoiding the two girls that were there because i literally cannot be around them. so i am predisposed to disliki…