214 step out the front door like a ghost

into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white

ugh, this fucking headache. and i am disgusted with myself again. everything hurts i'm bleeding out the brain i'm pretty sure and it's not even late but i'm about to turn out the hotel light and sleep in my jeans. hair falling in my eyes forget i'm breathing i can feel my bones grinding and i just want to go home right now, i just want to go home

she says, "shh, i know, i know it's only in my head"
but the girl on the car in the parking lot says
"man, you should try to take a shot
can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
then she looks up at the building, says
"i'm thinking of jumping,"
she says, "i'm sick and tired of life"
everybody's tired of something

when did this happen and why does that inevitable ghost always seep into my skin and freeze my bones when the sun has just begun to warm me again


Anonymous said…
hey i have to ask, how does your mania come out since you're a virgin and have never done drugs or drink? because i'm supposedly bipolar too but i don't have hypersexuality or any of that normal mania stuff
c said…
my mania is more about me having grandiose thoughts and illusions about how wonderful life is and how i'm indestructable and can do anything. it tends to revolve more around my insane thoughts than actions, i rarely acted on them due to fear and blablablah. i kind of see myself as more depressed than manic since my mania never got completely out of hand
Anonymous said…
that's exactly what happens to me! it's all thoughts. stuff like the world is so new and full of promise and even an apartment building or the way someone's nose twitches has profundity, or the idea that i could jump off a roof and i'd be fine and coming THISSS close to doing it but never actually doing it. i'm glad someone else experiences it like i do. have you been diagnosed as type II? because that's where the depression is prominent and you get hypomania, not full on, out-of-your-mind crazy mania, but the depression is really really bad.
c said…
yes, i was diagnosed type II rapid cycling. i am getting so tired of it! apathy and depression in the middle of something that anybody else would experience with joy and carelessness. i hate my emotions being a product of imbalanced chemicals in my brain rather than what is happening in the outside world. it's exhausting to explain to people who can't understand how i can be sad in the midst of such wonderful things
Anonymous said…
are you terrified of commitments because you're afraid your moods will get in the way of you being able to fulfill them? i'm really sorry you have to go through this. i don't wish it on anyone. i hope you're getting active therapy and psychiatry and sticking with it. it completely sucks not being able to enjoy life just because your brain is fucked up. that is an understatement, but it just sucks. and like you said, it's exhausting to explain and really few people understand. i don't feel sorry for myself, but i'm annoyed that i can't just reach my hand in my head, jumble things around a little, smile, and go, "look, i'm fixed"
c said…
i'm terrified of a lot of things, commitments especially. i can't even count the number of times i've cancelled plans with friends last minute because i was just too depressed to even get out of bed. i can't explain it to them and i hate disappointing them, it just feeds the guilt cycle. i can go for weeks at a time at a 'normal' level then i just crash daily for no reason. it just makes you feel trapped, doesn't it? like no matter what you do there's no end to it, we're destined to always be slaves to the faulty switches in our brains. i guess no use moping, though, wishing for impossible things never got me anywhere. it's hard not to imagine what it would be like, though

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