i love sex, i can't imagine not loving it, and i don't think that's shameful. but i also can't imagine being able to enjoy sex just with my body, i can't imagine something else not being present. since i was little i've always felt that way. at the time i couldn't even fathom the process, but i always held it on a pedestal. it was a Big Deal. (it still is.) my eyes widened at the thought of willingly giving that much of yourself to somebody. even in high school i couldn't grasp it, though i knew the people around me were having sex, ditching class to do it in the parking lot in their boyfriend's raised truck, sneaking into the raquetball courts at the community college and giving blowjobs.
my best friend in 9th grade got a blowjob from his girlfriend and dumped her minutes after because she apparently was inexperienced and couldn't get him to cum (some gentleman of a best friend i had, TANGENT he sold my PS2 and my games for drug money and tried to console me by saying it was a shitty high anyway) but i was just disgusted by that! people put so much emphasis on the physical aspects that they forget about the rest. granted the physical parts are wonderful, but if they're not backed by something more, they're essentially worthless once the shaking and the sweating and the biting and kissing are over, and then what? you're lying naked next to someone and you just want to hide because now everything they wanted from you has been given and laid out on the table and you've got nothing left for them, until the next time their desire tops out and bubbles over and they're kissing your neck again.
my favorite part about sex isn't the orgasm or the shaking or my toes curling, it's the warmth of skin on skin, the impossible closeness, lying afterward with my nose pressed to his neck just above his collarbone, his heartbeat against my chest, knowing i could say anything and it would be okay. i love the way i feel like i'm going to literally melt into him and i could lie in his arms forever and be safe, and i love slow kisses and kissing his eyelids, his forehead, his cheeks. my favorite part about it is not in receiving physical gratification but in giving myself wholly to someone i trust and love and not being afraid to do so. i feel sad that people treat it so casually but i guess everybody's process is different.
we talked in philosophy about how sex is a sign and seal of love. how a physical union is not complete without a spiritual union. maybe corny or old-fashioned but i'm okay with being corny and old-fashioned this time. that doesn't mean i can't dress up in sexy matching lingerie and do the dirty things they talk about in cosmo! sorry for the tmi but you know.
okay i'm going to post this now without reading through it and editing it (this is my new rule) because otherwise i'll delete everything and start over and this will end up being about something completely boring. ciao or summat