243 the moon and the stars are ganging up on the sun

whenever i begin one of these posts, i never know where it is going to go. maybe i have a few things in mind, but if i do i usually end up not even writing about them. things like i want to make a website and start a writing portfolio, the other day my 6 year old niece legitimately kicked my ass at wii bowling, and i devoured a book in two days which is something i've missed. i spend so much time numbing out! it's time for me to wake up.

i kind of miss my old entries. i used to write about things that mattered, or at least i tried. maybe i tried too hard but at least they turned out alright. i don't know, i guess things change.

i feel like i have an extra layer of skin, right beneath the surface. my second skin is impenetrable, most of the time. when someone pours their soul into me and tells me how they love me, i am numb. it's like a layer of ice, and i don't know how to melt it. i've spent so long building it up. what, 18 years? i'll be 19 soon, in less than a week. 19 years of carving an ice sculpture into my bones, under my skin, so cold sometimes i'm starved for feeling.

sometimes though, the light creeps in and i don't know where it came from but i am in love with the feeling, as in love as i'll ever be with anyone or anything. these are the moments i live for, the moments i can grab hold of and stuff in my pockets and come back to on a rainy day. the ice melts, and i radiate golden heat and my eyes shine. no more mouth coated with guilt, no more dry choking on dust, no more diving into ice. just rays of sun and sounds of summer. i've been having more of these moments lately.

almost a year since t walked into my store after not seeing him for 6 years! amazing, how time changes things. never would i have dreamed that we would be here, now. never would have imagined waking up tangled with him and with my hand pressed against his neck. what do i want? what am i waiting for? what did i leave behind? did i leave anything behind?

i am trying to fall in love, but the ice and the questions are making it so hard. sometimes i am there, ice melted, i am head-over-heels just like in the movies and the books. mostly, though, i am stuck. i don't feel afraid, so i don't know what keeps me here. i always tell you, there's something missing, there's something missing and i need it. my candle isn't lit. i don't know what it is. it's intangible, it has no words, and if it does will you please tell me? how can you do everything so right and still leave me wanting more? am i just insatiable or am i justified in my longings? i don't know, and i'm afraid the only way i'll ever find out will be very, very painful. and it will take a very, very long time.

in the meantime i am trying to stop questioning things that don't need to be questioned. i am trying to let go, have fun. i'm still so young and i have so much ahead of me! i am trying to hold onto the moments that take me away from solitude and discontent, and i am trying to stop running from things that make my heart race, like the treehouse adventures with you:

never would have thought this would be possible. so what am i going to do with it? the clay is in my hands, pliable, soft, warm, and the possibilities are endless. it's going to determine so much but i haven't the faintest clue where to go. i'm counting on you, i'm hoping for the best and not worrying about the worst. i do love you, i am just so unsure of myself.


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