242 i title these after i write them

i want to lose 3429013 lbs sometimes. like now. which is silly but it's because i haven't been eating enough and it's fueling the fire. plus i'm pissed at (you) kind of even though it's probably not a big deal. i will blow it out of proportion because that is what i do when i forget how to deal with life and its happenings. right now i'm annoyed because my friend always comes into town at the last minute (after high school she moved to a city a few hours away) and every time she just expects to stay at my place without even asking. how do i tell her i just want to be alone tonight? how do i tell her i just want to be alone most nights? that it's sort of an inconvenience for her to come and stay at my house for 3 days without asking and without warning. i love her but i'm frustrated and i'm trying so hard not to take it out on someone else but then the frustration just sits in my stomach like a hot ball of something toxic and it needs somewhere to go so i take it out on myself and i can't even cry, so the hot ball of toxicity sits and boils and gets hotter and maybe i'll dig into my skin to free just a little bit of it, but i'm trying not to do that. maybe i'll just go to sleep, yeah.

today was too much but I'M TRYING. tomorrow i'll just take it a little easier, not rush headlong into something so foreign-feeling since the waves have taken me down. i have hope i guess, i try anyways. i'll be waking up at 6 to go spend hours and hours at the barn with my mom's new horse (eeee he's cute i am so happy for my mom; there's a part of her that lights up when she's with the horses and she was absolutely heartbroken when she had to say goodbye to her last horse), and of course my lovely lenardo

(i may or may not have uploaded this photo of us before i'm not caring)
so much about this photo before i say bye:
-obviously, my horse, who i credit with saving my life and dragging me out of the darkest times
-it was taken by my best friend at the time, best friend of 8 years and practically a sister, we have both changed so much and there's something big and nameless between us now. we'll probably never get past it
-(too big, too long) brown shirt brought home from my wonderful dad when he got back from a trip to ohio. he always brings me back a (too big, too long) shirt when he goes on trips and i love it because it reminds me of when i was little and used to wear his shirts. the sleeves would go down past my elbows even on short-sleeved shirts and the bottom would be mid-shin.
-um i need to get my hair cut to that length again because ^that was my legit, hasn't-been-touched bedhead. now it's so long it just kind of aldajfahfs tangles itself and kills me.
-nardo is licking my hand up thar

okay night


Anonymous said…
I'm sorry you're not doing well. Have you gotten a med change recently? Are you still in therapy?
c said…
you know, despite the semi-dreariness of this post, i actually am doing alright. i'm fighting, which is what matters (or so i've been told - enough times that i believe it now). my psychiatrist who is amazing and shares my disdain for twilight upped my effexor (antidepressant) and i'm doing better now. still in therapy, of course, working with the same woman who helped me so much at mirasol. she lives a few hours away so we skype every week or two and sometimes she comes up to visit or vice versa. things are going well, honestly, it's only in my head that they start to crumble.

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