May 17, 2010

233 a change of meds is in order

friday: wake up happy, phone call, major meltdown, near suicide, call mother in tears asking her to please come home and save me from myself and the bottle of pills rattling in my shaking hands, calm down, clean up, dinner and a milkshake with mom, get pissed at self and self's brainfucks

saturday: wake up somewhat calm, plans in place for afternoon, ride my lovely horse early in the morning, smile and jitterdance all the way home, take shower, prepare to leave house to meet with friends, read something, feel left out, make phone call, begin bawling in the car, near suicide, almost drive off road into canal, keep crying, still on phone, the demons in my brain the demons in my brain i can't do this i just can't do this it hurts so bad, "please baby please turn around come to my house please just listen stay on the phone with me come to my house don't do this," turn around, arrive, cry in arms, calm down, regain composure, meet with friends, laugh and shop and joke for 6 hours, never missed a beat, like nothing ever happened. like nothing ever fucking happened.





i'm honestly going to be amazed if i make it to 25 what the FUCK

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

it's not fair, you are too wonderful for this