234 bones are broken and the will is sunk, how did everything get so fucked up?

it's really hard to smile sometimes. i'm trying you guys i promise i am.

my words feel like shit, it's like swallowing sand when i want to get something down on paper. mostly i'm trying not to kill myself still which sounds awfully pathetic but it's a lot harder than it sounds. i know suicide is selfish and it's a coward's way out whatever, i've heard all the lectures and i've seen families crying because how could someone so close to them be so alone and so desperate?

i'd honestly like to be able to tell you that when i'm in that place, i can see in my head a forest of dark trees and bare branches and black sky and old wet leaves crunched into dead soil but i don't see ANYTHING. there is nothing, when i'm depressed there is nothing but saltwater and red. i'd like to be able to tell you that i see something more, but it's just the feeling of being trapped. i'm going to deal with this MY WHOLE LIFE. there is no way around it. and sometimes i can't handle that, because i'm sick of being a slave to brain chemistry. it's not that i don't know it will get better. i know it will! by tomorrow maybe. the problem is i'm terrified of being happy because i know what will happen afterwards. it's like a punishment.

it is literally impossible to look up when you are sunk in chemical depression. i fucking hate that people think it's a choice and i should just look up inspirational quotes and take a walk and soak up some vitamin d. sorry but what a joke. you know what i'm talking about if you've gone through it.

i don't know if i can do this, i'm being honest. i hope i can and i guess that counts for something. i'm scared though.


Anonymous said…
hypomania is NOT the same thing as happiness. hypomania is over-the-top happiness and it's unmistakable. when you are truly, genuinely content there is no predetermined order that will punish you with depression. you have to remember that happiness is different than hypomania. it'll kill you if every time you're happy you say "this is because of my disease, i'm just going to be depressed tomorrow or next week maybe". it's probably time for a med change.
wild child said…
I sent you an email

it's weird but sometimes you help me feel less lost
c said…
i understand what you're saying anonymous, but i'm not confusing my happiness with hypomania. i don't think that my happiness is just because of my disease, i know it is often genuine. but i've grown so used to this pattern of ups and downs, and i honestly can't even fathom what it's like to be happy (just normal happy) and not pay for it later. i try to keep hope that it will be different, but so far it hasn't been. it is draining.

i am in the process of replying to your email! and you do the same for me. i think we are secret internet soul sisters.

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