148 i'm sorry

okay so last night was admittedly not my best night. and obviously neither is tonight since it is saturday and i'm at home blogging.... :(

i really shouldn't stay up late, i end up slipping into this sort of tired numbness or numb tiredness i'm not really sure which or if they're even different. if i sit and let my mind wander it always comes back to a bunch of ghosts sitting in a circle counting the freckles spread across the bridge of their nose and their shivering shoulders, and then i'll stop caring about the world and my life and i'll *****.

whenever i [do something dumb] i have these wild out of control dreams where i'm driving on the freeway and i can't control my car. last night was the worst. i dreamt i was driving and there was a motorcyclist stopped in front of me and my brakes wouldn't work and i hit him hard and crushed him/his bike. his legs were broken and all bending the wrong direction and i just kept saying i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry and i called 911 and they came and he was just screaming the whole time
and as always i wake up with my tongue and teeth and gums coated in guilt, like i'm choking on it and my mouth is too dry and i can't swallow. still saying i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry

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