May 30, 2009

161 i've never stopped believing

i have lots of "i've never"s. tell me which ones surprise you

i've never smoked or gotten high.
or been drunk (hey shh this is sort of embarrassing for me but i guess i have my whole life to experience the world of intoxicated word-slurring and drunken phone calls)
i've never had sex (why is this so unbelievable! this is true i don't care WHAT YOU SAY)
i've never not worried what people thought of me.
i've never felt beautiful for more than a day.
i've never been able to see beautiful people without feeling ashamed for not measuring up.
i've never liked anything i've written or created for more than an hour after writing/creating it.

well, i have more but i'm really tired and don't feel like thinking of more. plus my mind is race race racing and i'm digging myself into a shame hole because my boss yelled at me and two coworkers tonight and i can't stop replaying it in my head. i am a ridiculously sensitive human being, i will never deny that again


oh yeah i work at a toy store (lalallaala) and you know how there are toys who are sad? like a doll with a crying face or just anything like that. anything that looks sad. i have this ridiculous sense of empathy and it just breaks my heart to look at them. they're going to be sad forever because that's how they were made and no matter who buys them and how much they love them they will never look happy.
i just want to scoop them up and take them all home and change them. the same way i used to run back and forth between the swings when i was little so that none of them would feel lonely or cold or worthless. the same way i don't usually capitalize things because i don't want any letters to feel less special than the others... this is silly i'm just going on and on


they say there's a first time for everything but i say there's also a last time for everything.

everything is a matter of perspective, mud can be beautiful and a rose can make your stomach churn


also i love the people who comment on this whoever you are. no seriously, some of the comments have really made me think and hit me hard and sunk in deep and i like that a lot.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

The first three surprise me.

Anonymous said...

i understand completely! all those "i've never"s apply to me as well, except for the first three... i think i have a lot in common with you chelsea, can i email you maybe?

morgan said...

the last three. they don't surprise me. but they make me upset. i really wish you would believe in yourself and really appreciate yourself. you deserve it.

you're beautiful and an amazing writer. no joke. i need you to see and understand that.

s said...

you surprise me all the time.

i linked to you on a post, i hope you don't mind. tell me if you'd like it gone!

c said...

anonymous #2 of course! my email is chelsea_lothrop@yahoo.com i look forward to hearing from you!

little morgz. i see where you are coming from because i feel the same way when you are down on yourself. i'm trying to fix this

and saff i saw that i was so beyond flattered!! you have always been my favorite.