136 rather give the world away than wake up lonely

the air smelled like warm maple syrup and teen lust. i would have sworn i never needed to feel or see the sun again because your skin was so soft and warm against mine and the light in your eyes was bright enough. your fingers must have been full of electricity that night because your touch went right through me, all the way to my heart, and the beats skipped and slowed and quickened and fluttered.

long, slow blinks. you whispered something but my ears were full of my heart's irregular beating and anyway the words didn't matter because you always said it better with your eyes and smile. your fingers laced through mine, you lifted your hand and put it on your chest. your heartbeat thundered through the back of my hand, skipping beats and slowing down and speeding up again. maybe it was wishful thinking and maybe it was just the busy rush in my head but i could have sworn that our heartbeats were together, as erratic as they were. imperfect but in sync, just like us.

and that was the last time i saw you. i told everyone i was okay. some believed me, anybody who knew me didn't. some mornings i woke up and discovered that i had cried in my sleep, the dark circle of tears on my pillow just made me cry more. i played our songs over and over again in an attempt to cry out all of my tears but they wouldn't run out. soon the songs turned into senseless noise and i stopped listening to them altogether.

i never regretted us, i couldn't. i tried but somehow the pain was nothing compared to the memories you left me. i still think of your smile sometimes and i mostly remember the little things about you, your dimples and the way your eyes were even more golden when you laughed. your arms wrapped around my shoulders and the way you sighed and smiled when i got mad.

i could type about this forever but i don't think my heart wants to remember anymore right now

"don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." i'll smile about you forever but i can't say i will never cry, i think it's okay to do both.

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