Apr 8, 2009

127 i'm in enough trouble man, oh man i'm in trouble again

yyyyyyep so i regret a lot of today. i feel obligated to let everyone know that my process tends to be two steps forward one step back... today was my step back

nothing FABULOUSLY horrid happened i just spent most of the day bored out of my mind, and this generally leaves me feeling depressed/hopeless. i'm so much happier when i'm busy.
to quote a song that pretty well defines me:

i'm a headcase if i don't keep moving,
but my head hurts if i don't sit still


oh also i had ice cream. i am still not able to do this without being drowned in waves of self-disgust and shame and the overwhelming desire to make up for it by either not eating for a week or purging. it is a problem, and i can't decide whether i love it or hate it. pain is a very love/hate thing for me

i'm nervous because tomorrow i'm going to be busy pretty much from the moment i wake up. this knowledge puts my mind in overdrive and i will not be able to sleep tonight, for the third or fourth night in a row. i don't look good with bags under my eyes but BIG SIGH what can i do?????? insomnia's a bitch with an agenda to make me look/feel like the sack of shit i've spent 17 years convincing myself i am



please try to love yourself and never, ever let yourself get to this point