i'm terrible at keeping secrets, but only my own. that's one of my problems. i feel like i've never really had anything to keep to myself and i've been trying to create it, that "deep dark secret" that everyone always asks about, for so long. the problem with this is that i end up doing extremely self-destructive things in an attempt to bring that dark hole into my life.

in the past even my eating disorder wasn't really all that "secret." my parents knew what was happening pretty much the entire time (though probably not to what extent). i rarely, if ever, lied to them about what i had (not) eaten that day. if they asked, i would tell them that, no, i hadn't eaten all day, and no, i did not plan on eating any time soon. i couldn't lie to them.

this is so dangerous for me, i know it is, but i need my OWN secret. i need it, and i think i finally might have found it... but now that i've gotten a taste of happiness, is this what i really want?

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