i just...... don't know what to do with myself

six words just shattered me. "You can get it back together." before that, i was composed. i didn't feel alright but i looked like i did, i'm damn good at saying everything's fine. my vibe is one of cool collectedness, mature and all the more wise for having gone through this. but inside i'm secretly wondering when i can crawl back to my bad habits and fuck things up again. i have a fresh wound on my arm and if somebody asks i'll say it was from playing too rough with my dog, then promise myself to do it somewhere less noticeable next time.

"You can get it back together." somebody believes in me and i hate myself for potentially letting them down. i hate myself for the pain i'm causing my parents. i hate myself for not knowing what i want or what i need or what i like vs. what i've convinced myself i like. i THINK i like pain, i keep coming back to it and i like it while i'm in it, but is that something i've conditioned myself to need? i hate myself for not being who i wanted to be. i hate myself for continuing in this downward spiral, but as long as i continue to hate myself it will be impossible to come out of.

i don't understand i don't understand i don't understand

why me? i'm not saying that in a whiny or self-piteous way, i just want to know... why? i just want some answers. i wouldn't wish this on anyone else, but why did it happen to me? did it happen to me or did i create this?

besides answers, all i want is some hope. it's so fleeting. it always goes as fast as it comes, and once it's gone it's replaced with hopelessness and dread and depression and tears. i find myself asking, why? why live? why wake up tomorrow and spend time with people?

somebody tell me this is going to end.

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