i'm going to look back on this time in my life as a lost year. i've been extraordinarily self-absorbed, not in the narcissistic way but just too inwardly focused and oblivious to everything going on outside my head. life has really been passing me by

i'm going to remember this year as one of being pale and cold, wearing oversized hoodies and shivering, basing my self-worth on how much i starved, comforting myself with self-hatred and spider solitaire, staying up all night and sleeping all day. staring at myself in the mirror with eyes full of tears, avoiding my friends and social situations, and that hopeless feeling after i ate too much, followed by the realization that i could make it okay by starving the next day (or week). buying new belts because my old ones were too big and nursing blisters brought on by overexercising. for months i had a bruise on my lower back from endless crunches, and i loved it.

i think one of these nights i'm going to go out and find a quiet place to just sit and think and try to stop the thoughts racing around in my head. they're relentless sometimes and i can't figure out why i still want to be so sick.

i just want to be told what to do, that's all

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