164 i really do have so much to say but i'm no good with words

"there's nothing to writing. all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."
walter wellesley "red" smith

sometimes things are just so wonderful and i don't really know how to react. i've never been good at dealing with life when it's going right, this is hard to explain but i usually end up sabotaging myself when things start to go well. this time i'm trying not to, but isn't that what i always do?

oh hey i put a negative spin on this already, i didn't mean to do that so soon (or at all). i had a good day at work i guess, and then afterwards in the grocery store i was just all chatter and wit and smiles and push push pushing myself around on the shopping cart, you know when you stand on the back and wheel down the aisles at BREAKNECK speed or at least fast enough to do considerable damage if you hit a liquor stand.

there was a boy working at the grocery store who went to my middle school (oh hey **english 101 lesson** that was a misplaced modifier i love not caring), it was kind of weird. blast to the past or whatever. see in middle school i was this painfully awkward passive-aggressive wallflower and if i spoke i turned the color of a tomato. i had messed up friendships and ALWAYS wore my hair up and almost cried when i got sent to the guidance counselor for writing a mean note and never kissed a boy or anything. i used to walk up stairs and imagine jumping off and lying there and nobody would know my name when someone asked who was the weird chick with the broken neck and the bloody face. i've always been a people-watcher but in middle school i spent more time looking down at my feet, now that i think about it i must have looked unapproachable all the time because i rarely focused on anything but the way my jeans looked with my shoes. i used to always wish i could go back knowing what i know now, just to know how different my life would be

but maybe i don't want to anymore


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