236 so close, so close, forget it 'cause close doesn't count when you're counting on me

okay this is going to sound mean but i dgaf (please take this moment to contemplate and admire my newly implemented badassness). my aunt depresses the hell out of me, the same way going to walmart depresses the hell out of me. i guess it goes like this

when i look into the future i want my eyes to light up and to skip around and be a kid eating a melty hershey's bar forever. but when i fall into mediocrity (reality?) i realize that it won't always be like that. my hershey's bar will become a non-fat mocha with soymilk and a shot of espresso and my eyes will sink to the ground and i'll be gray and boring and old. i try not to think this way but my brain is stronger than me, i'll admit that. when i look at my aunt, her misery sinks into me and i wonder, what if i turn out like her. she just sits up all night and watches her soaps and goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in with her eyes so tired and her heart so heavy.

she's been living with us for over a year when it was supposed to be 6 months. when she walks in the door she lets in the rainclouds, that's the only way i can describe it. i hate it. i mean, maybe i'm being selfish, but i really want this house to feel the same, and it won't as long as she's here. she's supposed to be leaving soon and i'll shake my head when she says "thanks again for everything, i'm sure you've gotten sick of having me around..." which i have, but i'll never tell her, even though she knows.


ho hum, i hate to write anymore about this. i also hate that i use the word hate so much. it's intoxicating the air around me!!!!!! or something whatever yeah...

i had a poem-ish piece i wanted to post but since it's on my computer (which i do not have access to, long story) i can't post it. i like it, but you might not, it's kind of strange and it's not really meant to be understood. which i like.



there's a small mosquito on the computer screen
my right ankle is going numbbbbbbbbunbmbmwsjdnfsn
i need to sleep