beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

seventeen was a big year for me. huge, beyond words. i can't tell you how many firsts, how many lasts, how many tears and how many smiles have come together to make me who i am today. my heart can't stop fluttering and i love it so much, so so much. i never want to not feel like this, ever. hmm as for the big one-eight i don't feel like an adult but i never really want to lose that part of me who melts inside watching the fox & the hound, and is most comfortable sleeping with rocky the raccoon. life is simply, simply as it should be

hey i'm alright. maybe it's not about whether i'm happy or sad, maybe it's about the face i see in the mirror. not the dark undereye circles or the little chickenpox scar on my cheek but what's behind my eyes. if i let it, the sun shines from somewhere inside and it kisses the world with memories of bright sky and sweet wet grass. but only if i let it. every time i get a text from you my stomach does these little flips and sweet merciful jesus i feel like i'm in middle school again. tomorrow you're going to teach me to play guitar and we're going to watch a movie at your house and there are little tiny shocks going through my body, everywhere.

it's so, so hard to let yourself be happy when it always turns into this i'm so frustrated i'm about to cry but i'm so exhausted that i can't last friday i was walking on air and the sun was jealous of my eyes and i couldn't stop smiling even when i was alone. saturday i was still breathing deeply and happily and i went to bed with hope and cheeks sore from laughing. i woke up sunday morning and for no reason i couldn't stop crying and it was all i could do to get out of bed and go to work. i've been lying about how well i've been doing i'm so fucking tired of being sad. i'm angry and i'm frustrated and i don't want to climb that mountain anymore, the one with laughter and hugs and peaches and eyes crinkling in the corners, because i know what's on the other side and it breaks my heart to let that joy go. every time it gets a little harder and i'm crying now

sometimes my words are featherlight and they come like breath and fog up the mirror so i can draw lines through the ghosts and turn any face into a smile. other times i'm doing anything i can to cough up the words but they're stuck somewhere way too deep just waiting for the right time to come out. lately i think i've been doing a lot of that and i'm starting to doubt my way with words. hmm i messed up again today and every time i swallow i'm reminded of the shame and the disgust and the regret. you'd think something with such awful consequences would be easy to stop, but this is just an addiction. no matter how much the heroin addict with their bruised arms and charcoal eyes and sharp bones hates what they're doing to themselves, they feel so overwhelmingly, numbingly powerless. i'm not going to be powerless anymore, though. tomorrow is a new day and i intend to treat it as such

and i thought you wanted to feel like breathing you have delicate hands and i know why i'm all flushed cheeks and breathlessness with a joy i'd only ever read about until recently last night i got home around 3:30am and tried to sleep but gave up around 6:30, when was the last time i slept? i'm still not tired, it's like my mind doesn't want to slip into dreams and let go of this unbelievable reality. it's holding on to these feelings and i'm saying shh, they will still be here in the morning. i know they will

my heart is aching so badly. i'm tired from not getting enough sleep and i didn't take my effexor until 2:30 so it hasn't quite lifted the fog yet. this song just hurts me in the most sad beautiful delicate way possible, there's this stirring inside of me that if i close my eyes will take me over. i'm going to go for a run to clear my head. i used to be so much happier than this, even this morning i had wings and i blushed a little when a cute stranger caught my eye and smiled. i try to catch those feelings and if i could i would keep them in a little jar or in little tiny bottles by my bed. but i already know that none of the things i want are tangible, so i run and keep running until the ground is flying out from beneath me in waves and in my mind i'll tear the pages from notebooks and leave them on the floor because i don't need them anymore, and i'll smile and watch the white wordless confetti falling down around me. the things in my mind will never ...

i watched this movie yesterday, it got 0 stars but i quite liked it. well enough that i could sit through most of it without heaving a great restless sigh which is saying something. today i was cold a lot and i put on my favorite hoodie and then i ______. again, again. always but i'm trying not to let it drag me down again. i'm still smiling. i had a great day at work, my best friend of 7 years came in all sunburned (but not farmers-tanned as she pointed out) and i hugged her bright red little self to death I LOVE YOU MORGAN. also some of the people i work with are just wonderful and i'm looking forward to getting to know them more. over the summer i'm taking english 101 at the local community college (hi i know how to write please do not make me conform to your silly rigid little rules) and **mass murderers and serial killers** which is quite a fascinating class. for some reason the more grotesque and completely fucked up the serial killer is, the more interested i am ...