beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

sssSSSsssuuUUUuupPP i bring "pathetic" to a whole new level but i don't really feel like explaining why so forget i said that another old picture..... my camera lens (sans camera) providing endless entertainment for my best friend of 6 1/2 years yaaaaay hey look it's the crusty's shirt i've been staying up unreasonably late with a really dumb incentive, i'm too embarrassed to even say why. oh this morning i thought i was going blind because everything went black for about 10 seconds and it was a lllooonggg 10 seconds i'm finding anything & everything i can to keep me awake, tv marathons of ANTM and endless games of spider solitaire will have to suffice since i've sworn off caffeine. what a sad existence i need a purpose! someday i'll have one, i haven't given up hope quite yet. despite all of my recent realizations and the fact that i'm going to be in inpatient DURING CHRISTMAS....... i feel a little better than i did before

so i chickened out, didn't go to thanksgiving dinner with my family, i figured this would happen. i just can't be around all that food and all those people and all the pressure. whether i eat or don't eat, i lose, that's just the way this eating disorder plays the game this morning i got really scared because my heart was pounding so hard and so fast then it slowed down and i could barely feel it, my mom almost took me to the ER i was pale and shaking, on the verge of blacking out i'd like to black out permanently right now :S um my mom and i are in the process of writing a story it's kind of exciting actually. i love writing fiction and she does too, she's a great writer and she's so excited about this, it's adorable lol seriously. i love my mom. my dad's been really great lately too, they're both being way supportive about everything. ok *most miserable thing about today* my sister-in-law and her sister (who's a year older than me) drag...

i hate thanksgiving soooooooooooooooooooooo fucking much!

woops mistake

i'm chasing something that can't be caught how is it i can count my ribs when i look in a mirror but still don't see thin?

you're the only thing that i love scares me more every day on my knees i think clearer the sad part is i always have to wonder if anyone ever misses me i've got a huge decision to make, things got so much more complicated today.

ok so every once in a while i'm able to eat something without feeling ~completely~ suicidal or horrible afterwards and i think yay maybe i'm finally coming around! case in point last night/this morning......... then life is all NO PSYCH I WAS JK aaaaactually you will not be eating for the rest of the day because heeeere comes another curveball have tons of fun stressin today. with the stretched out words and everything i swear that's how it sounds like a mordant sarcastic bully on a playground, sad faces :(((((( ^ from a looong friggen time ago, the chains in my backyard ((( chosen for a reason omg cheesey symbolism is my #1 forte! )))