beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

okay this is going to sound mean but i dgaf (please take this moment to contemplate and admire my newly implemented badassness). my aunt depresses the hell out of me, the same way going to walmart depresses the hell out of me. i guess it goes like this when i look into the future i want my eyes to light up and to skip around and be a kid eating a melty hershey's bar forever. but when i fall into mediocrity (reality?) i realize that it won't always be like that. my hershey's bar will become a non-fat mocha with soymilk and a shot of espresso and my eyes will sink to the ground and i'll be gray and boring and old. i try not to think this way but my brain is stronger than me, i'll admit that. when i look at my aunt, her misery sinks into me and i wonder, what if i turn out like her. she just sits up all night and watches her soaps and goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in with her eyes so tired and her heart so heavy. she's been living with us for over a ...

i'm going to talk about sex. sex and your body, your mind, your heart. they're all different. they can happen at the same time, obviously the body is a must-have unless you are the girl from 40 days and 40 nights and can orgasm from a guy blowing a flower petal across your stomach. i love sex, i can't imagine not loving it, and i don't think that's shameful. but i also can't imagine being able to enjoy sex just with my body, i can't imagine something else not being present. since i was little i've always felt that way. at the time i couldn't even fathom the process, but i always held it on a pedestal. it was a Big Deal. (it still is.) my eyes widened at the thought of willingly giving that much of yourself to somebody. even in high school i couldn't grasp it, though i knew the people around me were having sex, ditching class to do it in the parking lot in their boyfriend's raised truck, sneaking into the raquetball courts at the community col...

it's really hard to smile sometimes. i'm trying you guys i promise i am. my words feel like shit, it's like swallowing sand when i want to get something down on paper. mostly i'm trying not to kill myself still which sounds awfully pathetic but it's a lot harder than it sounds. i know suicide is selfish and it's a coward's way out whatever, i've heard all the lectures and i've seen families crying because how could someone so close to them be so alone and so desperate? i'd honestly like to be able to tell you that when i'm in that place, i can see in my head a forest of dark trees and bare branches and black sky and old wet leaves crunched into dead soil but i don't see ANYTHING. there is nothing, when i'm depressed there is nothing but saltwater and red. i'd like to be able to tell you that i see something more, but it's just the feeling of being trapped. i'm going to deal with this MY WHOLE LIFE. there is no way around i...

friday : wake up happy, phone call, major meltdown, near suicide, call mother in tears asking her to please come home and save me from myself and the bottle of pills rattling in my shaking hands, calm down, clean up, dinner and a milkshake with mom, get pissed at self and self's brainfucks saturday : wake up somewhat calm, plans in place for afternoon, ride my lovely horse early in the morning, smile and jitterdance all the way home, take shower, prepare to leave house to meet with friends, read something, feel left out, make phone call, begin bawling in the car, near suicide, almost drive off road into canal, keep crying, still on phone, the demons in my brain the demons in my brain i can't do this i just can't do this it hurts so bad, "please baby please turn around come to my house please just listen stay on the phone with me come to my house don't do this," turn around, arrive, cry in arms, calm down, regain composure, meet with friends, laugh and shop and...

so i keep getting invited to go out ~clubbing~ with this guy which if you know me is a BIG LAFF. it's not really my scene i guess, i don't like music so loud i can't hear anybody to know whether they're calling me fat or saying they like my ass. it sounds pretty much the same in those places. anyways this guy we'll call him angelo even though that's not even close to his name, i don't really know him but he sent me a picture of him with his shirt off wearing just a corona towel around his waist. he's 25 which is 7 years older than me and he has a kid and he's kind of a party boy (plus he's mega short which can be a dealbreaker for me considering my giraffe-like height), so naturally i am *not interested.* but instead of telling him all that i just explained that i'm in relationship limbo, so to speak, and that i'm not really up for anything of that nature, at which point he proceeded to tell me that there's no commitment with him ever...

i'm just tired and i keep slipping up, one day at a time is too slow for me. last night i cried because i was too scared to eat the rocky road ice cream in the freezer, it used to be my favorite. i'm sick, and i mean in a couple ways. i have a cold or something like it and i keep coughing and my nose is all raw but that pales in comparison to the fact that... my mind is all twisted and confused, it can't decide between mania and depression. and to top it all off... i feel like losing about 50lbs which is not feasible considering i'm already at the low end of my bmi but who cares about that when you have body dysmorphia!!!!!

so i'm in my computer class and it's almost over and i'll never see these faces again. i have a 93.43% but i don't know how because normally i am the Ultimate Procrastinator. technically i could leave right now but i am just so comfortable and my fingers are kind of just going going going and i'm not goig to use the backspace buttion. i wihs wish i could show my facde. face, facade, both i guess. i lied about not using the backspace butto n because i am tired and it's hard to type with craaaazy nails anmd this keyboard STINKS. i hate the taste of alcohol i just do. i feel like i'm swallowing nail polish remover. i should go up to flag and stay with my friend V and get drunk on her vodka mix that tastes like vanilla cupcakes. the other night in the back of my car i was wearing th e infamous red sofees and i was with you and i took a sip of that awful brandy which wqas old and had been sitting in your friend's cabinet and i made funny faces because3 it bur...

in 5 4 3 2 1...... facts about today: i smell good my outfit received general approval from everyone in the world woop woop my hair is relatively tame the rest of the semester is going to be a breeeeeZe i took a nap i am hungry you were the first thing i saw this morning i love this website and snuggling my blog entries are more or less shit now because i'm too lazy to care sometimes i have reason to believe nobody will ever be able to replace you AND THESE ARE THE SCARIEST THING EVER braaaaaaar hello i am mr. coconut crab i am the world's largest living anthropod and i feast on small children and i can smell your fearrrr

i feel _______ when i hang out with him but i'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of you guilty regretful cold confused like i'll never get out of this mess d'uuuuuuuughhhhhh

i fucked up my meds today, :((((((( stilllll struggling with body image shit. well not even body image so much as just this sick gross feeling i get after i've eaten and i'm full. guilt manifests itself into physical discomfort after so long, sometimes after i eat i feel like i should cry which is dumb. i haven't been restricting and i haven't purged in over 8 months but the other day i almost did. i'm always going to be in recovery, you know? it's never just gonna be gone. that's alright though i mean you get used to it and it's a lot brighter than it used to be in my head. so tired but i can't sleep. ignoring text messages. probably going to cut up a magazine and make something. i need to start reading again, and making things. my horse's hoof was bleeding tonight, :( sigh. my puppy is sleeeeeeepin. her name is bubbles look at how cute she is: pound puppy we rescued her on 12/23/09. and she is the cu t es t t h in g ev er . i snuggle with her a...