187 the nights are forever, i can't get to sleep. and i know there's a reason, i'm in this too deep

just so you know i've always been jealous of you too. i've always seen you as so beautiful and pure of heart and with nothing but dedication and a will to do what's right. and me, i was the one who gave the impression of being a lovely wonderful bright girl but i knew (i know) that inside i'm just a lie. i am not a golden girl, i am muddied and i envy and i manipulate and nothing's ever good enough. you worked and i had things given to me. i fucking hate saying that. i hate admitting that i think you are a better person than i am but i do. you are. and the more time goes by the stronger that gets. i feel like you're growing and becoming greater and i'm slipping back and becoming weaker.

but as much as i think that i know that i've dealt with a lot. so don't think i am choosing destruction over the one thing i love. i've come back literally from within seconds of killing myself and i've done it because

i have wings