154 just a question

how many times am i going to have to almost die until this feeling stays?

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214 step out the front door like a ghost

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into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white ugh, this fucking headache. and i am disgusted with myself again. everything hurts i'm bleeding out the brain i'm pretty sure and it's not even late but i'm about to turn out the hotel light and sleep in my jeans. hair falling in my eyes forget i'm breathing i can feel my bones grinding and i just want to go home right now, i just want to go home she says, "shh, i know, i know it's only in my head" but the girl on the car in the parking lot says "man, you should try to take a shot can't you see my walls are crumbling?" then she looks up at the building, says "i'm thinking of jumping," she says, "i'm sick and tired of life" everybody's tired of something when did this happen and why does that inevitable ghost always seep into my skin and freeze my bones when the sun has just begun to warm me again
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166 hands in my pockets, straightjacket mind, it's gettin easy

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so if you couldn't tell (i don't really expect you to be able to) i've been slipping backwards, supposedly "pretty badly" but i never think anything is bad enough. my mom called my old trainer in colorado and asked her to look for a buyer for lenardo. if they get rid of my horse i will literally have no reason not to starve myself to death. just sayin my hair isn't that disgusting anymore i promise my friend keeps texting me and i'm too tired to reply. no i don't really want to hang out on sunday. hey this is so familiar, it's amazing how easy it is to fall back into this bullshit. i'm not really seeing what i'm typing the world is kind of far away and the screen is just a hallucination, there's something pushing on my eyes from inside my head and i have a headache you blink once and the ghosts are back and your skin is just paper stretched across bone, the things i want i can't hold
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