beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

there are only a couple of things i feel like i'm missing right now, i hope i don't float around waiting for them forever having hope makes life so scary. it's weird, the more good you have in life the more you have to lose. if you have nothing, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. which do you think is better? hey i don't want anyone to think i'm perfect anymore. i'm telling you flat out, i'm not as great and confident as i pretend to be sometimes. i get nervous and shy and shaky and feel awkward, i blush easily. there are days when i look in the mirror and wonder why i can't look like someone else. i have issues (obviously) and it still takes almost everything i've got to accept myself. i worry a lot about things that really don't matter. i have good qualities, everyone does. i like to think i'm caring and empathetic and fun to be around, but that doesn't mean there aren't times when i don't give a shit about anythin...

i'm feeling overcome with the insatiable desire for manflesh right now. this is going to be one of the most embarrassing posts of my life but by god it needs to be done i love "pretty boys." i love guys who play sports and work out and eat ridiculously huge amounts of food and don't care. i love tall boys, but not the stringbean type. i love muscles and guys who smell good. i love when guys mess with their friends. i love when they laugh and have dimples. i REALLY love when they're facing the sun and they look at you and give you that really squinty smile. i love when they act tough even when they're scared. iiiiiii have a little (huge) crush on sean faris oh yeah i forgot to mention i also think it's really attractive when guys have battle scars heh i know it's just stage makeup but don't ruin the dream for me this is SO embarrassing but i just finished reading this book and the entire time i was picturing him as the main character and if he h...

want to know what i think of my current situation? interpret at will hey guess how i'm feeling today i better knock this off or i'm going to become boring and (gag) predictable! aaaaaanyway today has been pretty good. i rode this morning and it went really well, tomorrow i'm hauling up to a show to jump a little and one of my friends is bringing her little sister to watch. i'm going to start giving her sister lessons twice a week for $25/lesson so at least i'll be making a litttttle money because i'm a bum. WOW could this be any more typical "blog" post or what. so much for trying not to be boring that reminds me, i need to stop trying so hard. not in things like school or whatever blablablha but things like trying to get people to like me. i've noticed that the people who like me the most are the people who i never tried to impress. i end up making an idiot out of myself whenever i try to impress someone and i make it impossible for me to get clos...

i fucking knew it why do i even bother with feeling good ugh

i am so black and white! it's a little (extremely) ridiculous. my throat is raw and sore, the past couple of days were full of desperation and regret. today i came to several realizations and i am, once again, on the other end of the spectrum. i'm afraid though, because usually these feelings leave me empty and choking on tears and wondering why i do everything (anything). i'm practically begging my feelings to stay. i wish they could hear me i love you so much i can't believe it sometimes. my stomach feels like a balloon and it's floating up my throat and my heart flutters and your eyes are the softest, kindest things i've ever seen. i'm dizzy and i'm inspired and terrified at the same time. tomorrow will be busy for me and that makes me scared. i worry worry worry when i feel like i have expectations to live up to (which is all the time.) it's really exhausting, i'm afraid of how it's going to affect me. please, feelings, please don't l...

i want to write something worthwhile or be someone worth loving

i just...... don't know what to do with myself six words just shattered me. "You can get it back together." before that, i was composed. i didn't feel alright but i looked like i did, i'm damn good at saying everything's fine. my vibe is one of cool collectedness, mature and all the more wise for having gone through this. but inside i'm secretly wondering when i can crawl back to my bad habits and fuck things up again. i have a fresh wound on my arm and if somebody asks i'll say it was from playing too rough with my dog, then promise myself to do it somewhere less noticeable next time. "You can get it back together." somebody believes in me and i hate myself for potentially letting them down. i hate myself for the pain i'm causing my parents. i hate myself for not knowing what i want or what i need or what i like vs. what i've convinced myself i like. i THINK i like pain, i keep coming back to it and i like it while i'm in it, but...