beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

i just conquered a fear! my hands were shaking and i broke out in a cold sweat, you know the kind where it feels like a thousand little needles are stabbing you? and i had that buzzing in my ears like i was going to faint but i didn't. BUUUUT lol of course i also did something else i said i wouldn't do oops, it's not a really bad thing but it isn't helping with the overall recovery thing? whatevs i'm taking small steps two steps forward one step back blah blah it's going to suck if someday i find this when i'm in my 20's or something, everything's so vague that even i won't know what the f i was talking about. but there's security in my ill-defined writings, it's one of my walls dear supposed entity in the sky, i want to find somebody who makes me want to get rid of my walls please sincerely chelsea i shouldn't blog when i'm this tired i'm not going to let myself delete this and i'll regret it OOOOOHWELL!

i could lose myself in other people's lives forever

heyyYYYy mom your bob marley cd is missing?? i'm reading a book called how to lose friends and alienate people. apparently they're making a movie out of it, if the book's any good i probably won't see the movie because they usually kill em! oops i feel bad i was supposed to do the dishes but i can hear my dad doing them ugh i hate that lol.... yeah this was pointless i'm going to go watch my FAVORITE show, tonight's the season premier what! dexter is my favorite serial killer

i'm gonna get better i am i am i am! i like the idea of deism over the summer i had to take this math class because of the *weirdness* of the scheduling at my old school. anyways i sat behind this very nice little asian man named sinclair and in front of a guy whose ego you could see a mile away. every morning sinclair would be wearing a nice polo shirt and he would say hi to me, the class was early in the morning around 7 and he must be a real morning person, everybody else was yawning incessantly and had bags under their eyes myself included, but maybe it was because of the coffee. every morning he had a mcdonald's iced coffee with him and every day he would sit in his spot wearing his nice polo shirt and khakis. umm the point of this is i really like consistency! i know i've already said that. but it's so true i figured i'd reiterate it? i'm not saying i want things to be the same all the time but it's just comforting when i know what to expect. and this ...

please don't rush me i'm so tired you can wait a day or two i really don't like clingy people either, i'm sorry! i like space, i think that's pretty normal. i took a bubble bath with lavendar soap and now my hands smell like candles, they've even got that slightly smokey smell to them which is weird and random. nothing seems interesting anymore fuuuuuuuuhhhhh

awww max i miss you it's weird for a long time i didn't let myself miss anybody or anything and i guess i'm still kind of there? i disconnect myself on purpose because it's easier, but then i hate the result.

i get in these moods where every song i listen to sounds like the most beautiful thing ever composed, and where everything i eat tastes like it was prepared by a gourmet chef in a fancy restaurant that i can't afford, and i love iiiiiiit today didn't go as bad as i had thought it would. it actually went really well. just goes to show that i psyche myself out over *STUPID* things oh and um kudos to me for fixing my computer which had seemingly permanently crashed buuuut i fixed it around midnight last night what whaaaaat