beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

I have always been reckless with hearts. Not maliciously, not ever with the intent to hurt or play games. I've been reckless because I'm too quick to settle back in to what I know to avoid pain. The allure of comfort has been greater than the strength to walk away with a clear heart. Even when my gut tells me to walk away, I settle into the back-and-forth game, with-you-but-not-with-you, because it's easier than just without-you. It's easier than alone. And it always ends with an explosion, volatile, and it leaves hearts shattered when they could have just been bruised. I can't be reckless with you. I can't play back-and-forth because I know how that ends. All I want is to run back into your arms, feel safe and loved and cherished like you've always made me feel. And for a while, because that's comfortable, it will feel so perfect and so right. But what happens when the restlessness starts, when I start to question everything? The resentment and anger ...

I almost forgot your birthday this year - I'm taking this as a small victory. Two years ago, I started dreading it weeks in advance, knowing full well the turmoil I would feel that day. Just because it was you. Last year, I thought about it for about a week beforehand. I knew you would be with your new girlfriend, wondered what she would get you as a gift, wondered where you'd go out to dinner, or if you'd just slum it up in redneck fashion. This year it took me until the day before. At work I was writing myself a note - "To-Do, 3/21/19." I'd like to say it took me a split second to realize why that date mattered, but I knew right away. Maybe next year I'll forget, but probably not. I'd like to think you're a new person now; you probably have scars I haven't seen yet, and I definitely do. I've realized I don't miss the person you are now, I miss the person I knew when we met. You were lighter then, hopeful, fun, e...

You can spend years asking the universe for something, and then not be able to stomach it when it finally gives it to you.

Well, fuck me. I guess there's this thing where we always want what we feel we can't have. For the past almost 10 months we've been not-a-thing, but kind-of-a-thing. Recently it's picked back up again and, fuck it, I do like you (more than I would admit before). Introducing you to a few of my friends just sealed the deal, but for the first time you're backing off. I didn't even realize how much it would bother me, but you left your fucking baseball cap on my chair. I see it every time I walk in the house, and I won't move it. I don't really know why, just that I'm being a stubborn asshole. I'd like to say I don't know why you're backing off, but I can't blame you for it after I did it to you (twice - three times?) You already know the story with me - I really don't want to get fucked over again, but I guess that's not how this works. I guess if you want something great you gotta open yourself up to be screwed. It wouldn...

Right after I broke up with my first boyfriend, my mom took me to get my nails done in an attempt to put an end to my intense moping session. As I sat there struggling to maintain a conversation, I noticed the renewal date on the nail tech's license: November 20th. His birthday. It sent me for more of a loop than I care to admit, put a sick pit in my stomach, just another thing to bring him to the front of my mind when I was trying so desperately to shove him to the back. Time changes things. Today, he's so far in the back of my mind, I didn't even remember that today was his birthday until it popped up on Facebook. But now I have a new birthday to dread: March 21st, which should be just another fucking day, but I know I'll wonder what you're doing, how you're celebrating, if you're happy. And I wonder if you'll wonder the same things when my summer birthday rolls around, or if you'll even remember June 30th. They say when you move far from hom...

Last night, I went out for happy hour with a friend. We split fried cauliflower and chicken nachos with sour cream. I drank a few beers. I went home and changed into my favorite pair of waffle-knit lounge leggings. Several years ago, I never would have worn something that fit so closely to my body, especially after eating. But last night, I didn't think about the food sitting in my stomach. I didn't sit on my floor and try to figure out how I would restrict my intake the next day to make up for what I ate. I didn't empty my stomach into the toilet and find relief in the burning in my throat. I did look at myself in the mirror for a minute. Sometimes, I still get stuck in front of the mirror the way I used to. But what I see is different. I turned to the side and looked at my stomach, my legs, my hips. None of it was what you'd see in a magazine; I'm not perfectly toned or tiny or a "waif." But I look strong. Kickboxing and running have shaped my muscle...

I don't even know how I ended up back here. Actually, I do. Typical Chelsea - starting a post out with a lie! To be honest I didn't even think this blog would still exist. I figured if I typed in the URL, some 404 error would pop up and I'd find a "sorry, this blog no longer exists because it's ancient" message. That made me a little sad, to think of all those words I'd written and read and reread, just lost somewhere on the internet. So in the middle of the world's most boring class on taxation, I typed it in. It felt SO silly. Self-indulgent. Completelystaged - who even WAS I back then? It's been 6 or 7 years since my last post. Can you (rhetorical you, as I know this site has long since dropped off the planet) even believe that? I don't even live on the same side of the country any more. There's so much - too much - to ever catch up on. That being said, this blog was the greatest fucking gift I could have ever given to my...

i think maybe i have just lost my ability to be inspiring

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things are good. i can say that now and mean it. this september i lived through the biggest heartbreak of my life thus far, and i know now that i can live through anything. i get tired sometimes but it's not enough to break me like it used to. usually i just need to sleep it off and spend a day being a hermit in sweats and a giant hoodie and no makeup, watch scrubs on netflix and skip the gym in favor of some frozen yogurt. it's okay to do that sometimes, you know? we all need a break. the most valuable thing i've learned is that it's good to take a break. it doesn't make you weak, or lazy, or unmotivated. tonight i decided to be productive and i made dinner and i'm quite pleased with myself so pardon me while i explain everything i made! i cooked up some tofu in bbq sauce and had that with some whole wheat pita bread and had carrots and edamame hummus on the side, then for dessert i had pomegranate greek yogurt with cinnamon almonds to make it nice and sweet. i...

i have the most incredible headache of all time seriously did i concuss myself in my sleep, is that what this is

holy shit you guys i haven't updated this thing since june. i wouldn't know what to say if i tried. um here goes i guess things are going well, i finally transferred schools and i'm taking classes at asu which is like woo america's #1 party school which if you know me is hilarious because i'm not that person. i'm that person who lays outside on the benches between classes and reads instead of giving head in the bathroom outside lecture hall. idk i'm boring that way the weather is so perfect i think i could marry it. but then we'd get divorced because in the summer i will start to hate it, but then we would get back together again in the fall, and it would just be an endless cycle. kind of like a real relationship whoa hey i am restless as fuck man, and i cried last night for the first time in a long time, but i couldn't cry all the way like i needed to. ughsaldfjsafa hey if you still read this anybody i fuckin love you do you ever feel like this? you...

johnny depp said that if you're in love with two people at the same time, pick the second one, because if you really loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the second. i guess maybe that's true and i guess maybe i need to let you go, not because i've fallen for someone else, but because i've fallen for the idea of something that we can never ever have together. we just can't. a prompt i had for a writing assignment was to write about someone i once loved, but love no longer, in the form of a three haiku sequence. it's not that i don't love you, but it's not the right kind of love, and i'm trying to free my heart because it's gotten so heavy. i'm sorry. i shook my hair down hoping you would find me some sort of beautiful. your eyes saw me but there's more to me than the things that you can hold, touch. i guess i had hoped your eyes saw deeper than that. i know i was wrong. (do you go back and count all the syllables every time yo...

my arms are all itchy from alfalfa and on saturday i was at work for 9 hours because i was supposed to get 12 boxes of shipment done while i was main cashier and i couldn't get off the register for like .5 seconds because it was so flippin busy man. the shipment took forEVER it was all shoes that were packaged weirdly, whoever packaged them i want to punch in the stomach. my boss was being stupid and any time i tried to talk to someone she'd be like STOP CHATTING START WORKING even though i was working because apparently she doesn't understand the concept of multitasking. i also ripped my nail BAD, down to the quick and it was bleeding and all, of course this happened during a transaction so i was like WHOA definitely have to act like that didn't happen "hey have a great day thanks for coming in we'll see you next time here's some coupons" and all the while i had to like SMILE at people who were irritating me. that's the thing about retail ugh peop...

Date A Girl Who Reads An article by Rosemarie Urquico Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve. Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow. She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most g...

i hate painting my nails because i'm so obsessive about it so it takes me like 2 hours to do 2 coats + a topcoat. I CANNOT CONTROL MY LEFT HANDSFAJSDKLAJA

maybe not exactly the same because at least now i don't act on the impulse to starve myself to dust, but it's still not easy. and it's really exhausting, but nobody ever said it wouldn't be. it's like i read once, you can stop the behaviors but the thoughts never completely go away. i'm always going to wish i could be smaller, because in the end i feel like my very existence is the imposition that keeps the world from spinning the way it is supposed to. i always feel in the way, or unwelcome, or just unworthy. it's like my mind thinks that if i can make myself smaller, i'll be less imposing. but i know the cycle and i know it just keeps going, because you can always be smaller until you're dead. anyway the other day i went camping with four friends and had a much needed break from my routine. it was supposed to be their 'guys only' camping trip but they all said i should go because i'm "practically a guy with but with boobs," wh...

i wanna change pretty much everything about me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

if you haven't read anything by derrick brown, do it. he is so good i can't even. this is the first poem i ever read from him, and it started an addiction that cannot be tamed. cotton in the air by derrick brown Your polished back is arched like Saint Louis. I can see your fingers pushing into the bricks when I lift your hair to smell October drain from your neck. You are cotton caught in the air I am unfurling laces in your body. I move on you steady like a fleet of ships pushing ice. I want to break it all. Your tank top strap slips down the huh huh of your shoulder and I will not strain meaning from this. I have to taste all of your shapes with my teeth, circles of salt square butter. Waltzing a wrecking ball. I lift your body so that your legs strap to my hips and you are now adorned. I toss you around the room because I don’t want to be inside; I want to walk through you. So I can know. I am wading in the dark felt Tijuana paintings of your hair. I am molting my bed clothe...

so check these lil guys out, COLLECTIVE AWWW. a bunny had babies in our hay pile in the backyard, there are five of them. their names are: spartacus gannicus oenomaus (ik ik, wtf, it's pronounced "ani-may-us") theocoles and crixus BROWNIE POINTS IF YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE NAMES ARE FROM. anyways, the names aren't really fitting considering they're nothing but furry little puffs of cute, but that's not the point. they are my babies. but that picture was taken probably a week ago when their eyes were still closed. since then their eyes have opened and they've left the nest, on their own in this cruel world :'( and all that stuff so this is when they opened their eyes: and this is spartacus (the only two you can really tell apart are spartacus and gannicus. spartacus is the smallest and darkest and he has a little white mark on his head and gannicus is the biggest and he has a white mark on his head too!) obv i didn't just pick him up without knowing it w...