beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

sadly i think i may have outgrown this. that's not to say i won't ever be back when my head swells with thought (as it has been known to do) and i need a place to release the pressure. i started this over a year ago and i've changed more than i'll ever be able to explain, but hopefully you know how i feel. i think everyone is entitled to this sort of transformation at some point in their lifetime, i'm lucky to have survived mine and i'm lucky it happened when it did. i'm older than i was but i'm new. i'm learning to fight. i'm listening to music and hearing it for the first time. i'm in love. i'm less afraid. i'm proud, and i'm hopeful for my future and i'm hopeful for you. one breath at a time and eyes toward the sky, that's the only way i've ever found to stay sane.

i'm sick with guilt whenever my posts are dreary, i think about the people who read this and say it gives them hope or makes them smile and feel like i'm letting them down. i'm not responsible for anyone else's emotions blahblahblah but i always feel like i am. i wrote this a long time ago, i've been debating whether or not to post it but heeeeey why not Your collarbones are anchors keeping me here, grounded, and they are wings lifting me into light and sky and words floating around our heads. Fingers wrapped around our hearts. Our feet move with quiet deliberation to the sounds put forth by the black box across the room, and you can see the notes floating, the colors and lights are brighter with our eyes closed so we keep them that way. And we sway and we sway and the sun is jealous of my eyes for the shine in them, my knees are bruised but my cheeks glow and my heart is filled with your smiles and the ocean. Still with angels pressing my eyelids down soft, I can s

my five year old niece just asked me who my best friend is and i said i don't know, i never thought this would be me, living in a shell too tired to even care about getting out of it i'm spectacular at making the ugliest shit out of the most beautiful things

maybe later

into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white ugh, this fucking headache. and i am disgusted with myself again. everything hurts i'm bleeding out the brain i'm pretty sure and it's not even late but i'm about to turn out the hotel light and sleep in my jeans. hair falling in my eyes forget i'm breathing i can feel my bones grinding and i just want to go home right now, i just want to go home she says, "shh, i know, i know it's only in my head" but the girl on the car in the parking lot says "man, you should try to take a shot can't you see my walls are crumbling?" then she looks up at the building, says "i'm thinking of jumping," she says, "i'm sick and tired of life" everybody's tired of something when did this happen and why does that inevitable ghost always seep into my skin and freeze my bones when the sun has just begun to warm me again

i slept for three hours and now it feels like morning. naps turn my day upside down, i feel like it's early morning, so early it's still dark out, and i should be going somewhere on a plane or a long car ride with pillows and sleeping on someone's shoulder in the backseat. headphones in, eyes closed, world flying by outside and i wouldn't even know (by Könrad ) when i woke up i heard my mom and my aunt in the living room talking about when their mom died. they were really young, my mom was 17 and my aunt was even younger. my aunt said how she felt empty, my mom talked about how there was so much food left over after the funeral and how at her graduation she was so lonely because her mom wasn't there. the conversation somehow ended with my aunt complaining about her professor who says 'fuck' ten times every class. i got up and made some cereal and walked back into my room and was wondering if i have mono because i've been so tired, i feel like i could sle

she spits in the sand where their bones are bleaching i'm frrrrreezing, wearing a hoodie and one of my favorite pairs of old washed out slumped over nearly shredded jeans and my legs are crossed and my feet are tucked in underneath them to keep them warm but still i'm so cold, my fingers are freezing like little icicles sometimes i'm walking and i realize something and it's like a slap in the face or someone dropped something on my head from a second story window. today i realized how endless and pointless and destructive my habit of comparing myself to other people is, i tend to think that because somebody else is beautiful there's no way i am too. like there can only be one beautiful person in the world at any given moment and since it's obviously her, i must be nothing. i don't know, i don't really have anything to say could you tell i'm going to tucson for another show over the weekend, i'm excited but i can't really get myself up to pack

it's tangible, a dampened down version of the love we see in the movies, it's in my head not my heart. i think if i could just learn to take a dive and live through my heart and stop trying to see, we could have something great. i don't want to be the person who breaks your heart, but i can't seem to give you mine

i suppose you learn to live with these things but for right now i feel sick

time escapes, slides through cracks in the windows and out into the air and it's gone. you can't patch up the windows and you can't catch it when it floats away, chances are you don't even try. but there's always more waiting there to be found, to be used up, whether it's noticed or it's not. there's always more until it's gone. what do you do when you run out of time?

driving home alone last night i was so tired that i started to regret the best thing that's ever happened to me. i made myself shut it out, parked the car, left the lights on, pressed my head on the steering wheel that disappears in my dreams, turned the lights off just as i was about to fall asleep. walked inside, took a sleeping pill, slept for almost 10 hours. i dreamed i was on a raft with two other people, i knew them but now i can't remember who they were. we jumped into the river, somehow we were starving, and we swam to the other side. went into a huge house where two young girls and their older sister were living. their parents were out of town until the next day, they said we could stay. we stayed and had toast and i took a shower and i remember the color of the shampoo. flash to: two nearly dead figures lying in the woods, bones so sharp they're sticking through the skin, and i somehow know this is supposed to be me. sometimes i fucking hate the dreams i have whe

last night i fell in love, out of love, in love again, my heart is a mess my mind is a mess i don't know what's going on. sometimes when i haven't slept i blink and the world runs out from underneath my feet and i'm falling but there's nowhere to land so i just keep going regrets empty mind fog can't focus should start driving not ready still too young just up there i'll wait forever if i don't do something about this

god, i feel like my heart and my brain are just bursting with words and thoughts and colors and sounds, i have missed writing i have missed having a place to empty myself out and i need to stop caring what everyone thinks about this because it is mine and this is my mind and i have nobody to impress i feel selfish but i've been told i'm selfless to a fault. i feel mediocre but people think i'm above and beyond. i hate the way i write but some people love to read my words. i don't feel funny but i make people laugh. i rarely feel beautiful but you say i am and sometimes i believe you. it amazes me that anyone can find anything in me worth being awe stricken over, it amazes me that i am apparently so blind that i can't see myself in the right light, but i suppose this isn't anything unusual. it's kind of like looking in the mirror and saying, this is it. this is who i am and maybe i need to say, fuck what i think i see. have a little faith in people, maybe the

whether or not this is "it," love or magic like waking up in your arms and like sunny wordless afternoons, i don't care what it is right now, i don't want you to leave, i don't want you to leave i don't want you to leave i didn't even know until you said the word military, i didn't know what it would do to me. i was surprised at the way my heart dropped, and the way my voice sounded when i spoke, and the way my eyes were suddenly hot and the road was a little blurry. i'll never tell you what to do. i can only do what i can. i'm learning that i can't control anybody but myself and that's okay, it's just that i don't like sleeping alone since you

i don't know what to call this but i know what not to call this what in the hell do you see in me?

^^^ i want this tattooed, somewhere nobody will see it ever except for me and anyone i choose to share it with. in tiny curly letters and maybe with a few birds but permanence scares me so i'll have to give this some thought maybe it makes me sad that sometimes i still wonder if this is right this is me trying not to think anymore, today was good i think. i just wish you'd forget about the world sometimes when you look at me because i want to be the one who erases everything except for the little shadows across my bones and the way my hair sometimes falls in front of my eyes and the color my skin is in the sun. i love wearing your sweatshirt and your shoes and my old basketball shorts to gas stations at five in the morning, i'm just confused right now cute creature says cheer up, everyone, vida est decorus

i can't sleep and i am shit with words, don't be fooled

well, i guess an update is in order considering the way i've been neglecting this. i really haven't meant to but the days are moving so fast and before i know it i look and realize, oh, i haven't said a thing in a week i've been doing well, and for once this is the truth. i have more to focus on than what i am (not) eating and how easy it would be to play the xylophone on my bones. i have been working and learning and running on zero sleep because it's hard to go home when all i want is to stay there with you. i like sitting out on the street with you at two in the morning

life is moving so fast. i am deeply content, maybe even happy? i'm sorry, i'll try to stop neglecting this what a shitty 200th post lolllllll

are you lying to yourself?

All that you contrive, and all that you’re deprived All the bourgeois social angels telling you you’ve got to change Don’t have any idea. They’ll never see so clear. i've been busy, i guess. working, learning, laughing, blushing, hugging, kissing, experiencing, listening, touching, tasting. i miss writing, i miss reading, i miss when days seemed long enough. my days are full but they are full of good things and bright things. but there's still a little part of me that wonders what waits for me in the darkness, what if i just gave in and went back, what if i willed myself to disappear, what if i became the air you walk through and breathe in when you're alone, staring at your feet wondering what you're doing here, wondering where i am. i could vanish, you know, i know that i could, but i'm trying not to. keep holding on, i tell myself every day and it's working lately. but i still wonder, i think i'll always wonder

dangerous combination, your (my) heart racing breath hot at my neck hands at my ribcage smile on your face all the thoughts in my mind running together and then just ceasing to exist, then when i get home the stars are brighter in the 3am sky than i've ever seen them out here. or i won't drive home and i'll stay pressed against your back and listen to you sigh because i can never sleep but for once i'm happy not to. what if?

i've had a headache for days, it's sitting right behind my eyes, and i don't know what we're doing or if it's worth all this ache and sick twists in my stomach and the staying up late and waking up early. neglecting the things i need to do and telling you no, no, but not being able to convince you. there are parts of myself i am not willing to lose and there are other things that need to come first and that's just that.

the whole world would be easier if i could just stop thinking so fucking much, i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired you're not it.

i've been quieter than usual but inside my head is roaring, my heart is pounding and i think my lungs are about to burst. you said you saw two shooting stars that night and you wouldn't tell me what you wished for. the next night, almost three in the morning standing in the street, i asked you again and you said it didn't matter because they'd already come true. i like you

what a weird situation what do you think, are they drowning or are they only now just learning to breathe?

the only things i can handle right now : seroquel, sudoku, sleep the only things i can feel/think right now : self-loathing, shame, sorrow, suffering, scars, sour, sad, scum, slave, stuck, suicide, sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK i am so : sorry

i smell like honey and words are melting like sugar beneath my tongue, my hair is a wild mane of golden brown waves and i feel like i'll never need to sleep again. i let myself slip back into some pretty awful habits, starving and relishing that dull ache in my gut pressing my fingertips into my hips until i swore i was touching the stark white of bone. but i'm on the other side now, my heart is swelling and i'm finally welcoming the tiny butterflies in my stomach. i know this happens to me often, i slip into the water and just when i'm about to drown i come up gasping for air, every sweet breath filling my lungs like the million thoughts i've yet to share with the world. and i'll swear that i'm never going to slip into that ocean again but i probably will. but that's okay because while i'm here, while i'm on land, i'm going to embrace it and run through the hot sand barefoot and lay under the sun all day. i've given up on (a boy) but i

my eye is burning

back in phoenix and a safer state of mind honestly i'm not feeling like words today so here is the weekend in photos: and of course, my beloved monster and me too happy for my camera to even focus on, i've come back from the dead

such a headache so sorry i'm really sorry sorry sorry really need some help always ruin everyithng

just so you know i've always been jealous of you too. i've always seen you as so beautiful and pure of heart and with nothing but dedication and a will to do what's right. and me, i was the one who gave the impression of being a lovely wonderful bright girl but i knew (i know) that inside i'm just a lie. i am not a golden girl, i am muddied and i envy and i manipulate and nothing's ever good enough. you worked and i had things given to me. i fucking hate saying that. i hate admitting that i think you are a better person than i am but i do. you are. and the more time goes by the stronger that gets. i feel like you're growing and becoming greater and i'm slipping back and becoming weaker. but as much as i think that i know that i've dealt with a lot. so don't think i am choosing destruction over the one thing i love. i've come back literally from within seconds of killing myself and i've done it because i have wings

i can't let thing i love the most come second to the voices screaming at me to etch away the lines of my body, turn myself into bones and dirt under my fingernails and shaky bruised knees i'm not tired. there's something about being home that won't let me sleep. my bed is too big and i'm too small (but i'm not small enough i'm never small enough) and my room is so full but it's just too empty it's weird, what we have. do we have something or am i letting myself dream? i can't imagine you doing this but i wonder do you think of me and pick up your phone and put it back down again because you think i won't answer (i will answer)

i wish i had more to say but anymore i'm more wordless than breathless and i'm chapped lips and messy hair and wishing on stars in the daytime

i never would have thought i'd be running through the sprinklers on the field of my old elementary school in the middle of the night, shaking the water out of my hair and wishing you'd just come give me a hug, what the fuck is wrong with me but i will honestly consider this one of the best nights of my life, so this is why people smile. i feel quite literally like i am about to burst from just the sheer joy of everything and everyone that is around me. i definitely lied before. i still like you. but if i let myself stop and think about all the reasons i shouldn't... well, every time i stop and think i ruin things, teach me to jump with my eyes closed PS dear readers i'm sorry if i'm the most boring motherfucker you've ever encountered

and no amount of coffee in the world could help me in my english class. not a good mix up a very adorable shy boy works at the subway by my house. i always go on wednesdays because i've noticed he always works on wednesdays. today i started a conversation with him and he got so nervous he started fidgeting and couldn't even look at me, i just wanted to reach across the counter and give him a hug. the boy's got brown eyes and freckles and if you know me you know this is automatic chelsea heart-melting material. umm i'm sorry if you thought the whole subway thing was going to be really interesting and/or meaningful and/or not like something a middle school girl would write in her blog.......... this is rocky ♥ i know it probably seems really silly and childish but i got rocky at an antique mall i used to always go to when i was little. i would wander wide-eyed up and down rows of glass cases looking at the old dusty jewelry and coins like little oceans with their reflecti

wednesday is subway day! will be explained later

i know it's obvious to say you don't need me anymore i'm just going to be blunt and say i really liked it when we went back to the old middle school field and you hugged me from behind and rested your head on my shoulder. it was hot out and your arms were wrapped tight around my waist and i wanted you to kiss me that night, i still sort of do but i'm not sure anymore. hey what a concept, me being unsure about something. HEY LIFE whatever i might let myself forget about you because that's what i do and i'll just keep going to subway...... kudos to you if you know what this means if not maybe it'll be explained on here someday oh yeah i made one of these because why the hell not i hope you're all doing alright i really do, this goes to everyone. i want the world to feel happy!

i love dimples, being an equestrian, skin browned by sun's kiss, fingers tangled through mine, love, lust, the house on mango street , words, your arm pressed into mine, feeling featherlight, giddy butterflies before bed, angles and sharp bones, lyrics, bokeh, wavy messy hair, rocky the raccoon, idiosyncrasies, innocence, running (leaving it all behind), epiphanies, your voice, dreams, old fragile books you can whisper to, you i miss fingers sticky with honey and chocolate, playground crushes, friday afternoons with friends and kool-aid and making movies, mirasol, barbequed tempeh, 5am rides the summer i turned 15, a friend so close she was practically my sister, her bright blonde hair and the way it was so messy when we woke up in the morning after laughing ourselves to sleep, when i saw only the best in everyone, you i want simplicity, to keep a hold on hope this time, ryan reynolds (......), to make you proud, something meaningful, to be an artist, to know, the right words, to s

i think we all have darkness and i don't think anybody will ever not have it. i think the difference between being happy and being unhappy has nothing to do with the absence of darkness. it's about how long you're willing to lay quiet with your eyes closed, back and palms pressed cold against black asphalt wet with rain, and wait for the streetlights to come on. they will come on. nobody ever said this was going to be easy, so wait, breathe, feel, and don't open your eyes until the lights come on and the orange glow floods in through your eyelids. it will be alright

the hardest things are always black and white i hate my last post idk sometimes i think i should just shut up i want to watch fireworks with you

i can shake my shoulders and watch the dirt fall to the ground, i can breathe in and feel my lungs fill up with happy. i wrote "someone thinks you're beautiful" in tiny letters on the back of a $5 bill. i felt silly but i didn't mind because i really hope somebody reads it, i know those kinds of things always leave my heart smiling a little bit. i'm accepting that i can't change the entire world but i'm not willing to leave this world without making some sort of difference, anything to anybody whose life is fogged with doubt or weighed down by the words of people who try to discourage your efforts, you'll be alright if you let yourself. those times you feel hope, they're the ones you have to cling to. with every bit of everything you've ever had. and they're going to go away sometimes, and you're going to wonder what's the point but let the storm pass and god, doesn't the sky always look so much cleaner once the rain has washed

seventeen was a big year for me. huge, beyond words. i can't tell you how many firsts, how many lasts, how many tears and how many smiles have come together to make me who i am today. my heart can't stop fluttering and i love it so much, so so much. i never want to not feel like this, ever. hmm as for the big one-eight i don't feel like an adult but i never really want to lose that part of me who melts inside watching the fox & the hound, and is most comfortable sleeping with rocky the raccoon. life is simply, simply as it should be

hey i'm alright. maybe it's not about whether i'm happy or sad, maybe it's about the face i see in the mirror. not the dark undereye circles or the little chickenpox scar on my cheek but what's behind my eyes. if i let it, the sun shines from somewhere inside and it kisses the world with memories of bright sky and sweet wet grass. but only if i let it. every time i get a text from you my stomach does these little flips and sweet merciful jesus i feel like i'm in middle school again. tomorrow you're going to teach me to play guitar and we're going to watch a movie at your house and there are little tiny shocks going through my body, everywhere.

it's so, so hard to let yourself be happy when it always turns into this i'm so frustrated i'm about to cry but i'm so exhausted that i can't last friday i was walking on air and the sun was jealous of my eyes and i couldn't stop smiling even when i was alone. saturday i was still breathing deeply and happily and i went to bed with hope and cheeks sore from laughing. i woke up sunday morning and for no reason i couldn't stop crying and it was all i could do to get out of bed and go to work. i've been lying about how well i've been doing i'm so fucking tired of being sad. i'm angry and i'm frustrated and i don't want to climb that mountain anymore, the one with laughter and hugs and peaches and eyes crinkling in the corners, because i know what's on the other side and it breaks my heart to let that joy go. every time it gets a little harder and i'm crying now

sometimes my words are featherlight and they come like breath and fog up the mirror so i can draw lines through the ghosts and turn any face into a smile. other times i'm doing anything i can to cough up the words but they're stuck somewhere way too deep just waiting for the right time to come out. lately i think i've been doing a lot of that and i'm starting to doubt my way with words. hmm i messed up again today and every time i swallow i'm reminded of the shame and the disgust and the regret. you'd think something with such awful consequences would be easy to stop, but this is just an addiction. no matter how much the heroin addict with their bruised arms and charcoal eyes and sharp bones hates what they're doing to themselves, they feel so overwhelmingly, numbingly powerless. i'm not going to be powerless anymore, though. tomorrow is a new day and i intend to treat it as such

and i thought you wanted to feel like breathing you have delicate hands and i know why i'm all flushed cheeks and breathlessness with a joy i'd only ever read about until recently last night i got home around 3:30am and tried to sleep but gave up around 6:30, when was the last time i slept? i'm still not tired, it's like my mind doesn't want to slip into dreams and let go of this unbelievable reality. it's holding on to these feelings and i'm saying shh, they will still be here in the morning. i know they will