beware the jub jub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch

2011-12-12T19:20:00.001-04:00

i think maybe i have just lost my ability to be inspiring

you guys it's late and i did this and for some reason it made me laugh HYSTERICALLY

2011-12-08T03:30:00.002-04:00

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bubble bath envy

2011-12-03T21:46:00.003-04:00

things are good. i can say that now and mean it. this september i lived through the biggest heartbreak of my life thus far, and i know now that i can live through anything. i get tired sometimes but it's not enough to break me like it used to. usually i just need to sleep it off and spend a day being a hermit in sweats and a giant hoodie and no makeup, watch scrubs on netflix and skip the gym in favor of some frozen yogurt. it's okay to do that sometimes, you know? we all need a break. the most valuable thing i've learned is that it's good to take a break. it doesn't make you weak, or lazy, or unmotivated.

tonight i decided to be productive and i made dinner and i'm quite pleased with myself so pardon me while i explain everything i made! i cooked up some tofu in bbq sauce and had that with some whole wheat pita bread and had carrots and edamame hummus on the side, then for dessert i had pomegranate greek yogurt with cinnamon almonds to make it nice and sweet. it was deeeeelicious. i just was too proud of myself to not say anything about that sooooo

there's thunder outside and it's been freezing here lately. my internal temperature can't regulate itself anymore as a result of the eating disorder, so when it's hot i feel like i'm a step away from the gates of hell, and when it's cold i feel like someone shut off the sun and submerged me in an ice bath for forever. i'm wearing fuzzy socks that keep my feet toasty but my poor little hands are frozen and my fingers are stiff. also i keep my ceiling fan on year round because it's too quiet in my room with it off and i can't sleep.

i don't know what all this means, i just felt like i needed to update. i'm doing good, you guys! i hope you are too. give yourself a break tomorrow, if you can, it's the greatest

i need to start writing again, i've been putting it off and my mind has suffered and sometimes there are so many thoughts i can't handle it

PS random thought why are my bubble baths never as fluffy as the ones in the movies that's really all i've ever wanted my whole life

eeeeeeughhhhhhh

2011-11-23T15:54:00.001-04:00

i have the most incredible headache of all time seriously did i concuss myself in my sleep, is that what this is

i said i said i said

2011-11-22T17:57:00.003-04:00

holy shit you guys i haven't updated this thing since june. i wouldn't know what to say if i tried. um here goes

i guess things are going well, i finally transferred schools and i'm taking classes at asu which is like woo america's #1 party school which if you know me is hilarious because i'm not that person. i'm that person who lays outside on the benches between classes and reads instead of giving head in the bathroom outside lecture hall. idk i'm boring that way

the weather is so perfect i think i could marry it. but then we'd get divorced because in the summer i will start to hate it, but then we would get back together again in the fall, and it would just be an endless cycle. kind of like a real relationship whoa hey

i am restless as fuck man, and i cried last night for the first time in a long time, but i couldn't cry all the way like i needed to. ughsaldfjsafa hey if you still read this anybody i fuckin love you

do you ever feel like this? you know that song that goes "i'll be watchin you?" which is creepy? i feel like i'm in that song a lot of the time. i don't know who you are but i know you're watching and i think you need to watch your own damn life because mine will letcha down okay

5 7 5, 5 7 5, 5 7 5

2011-06-11T18:42:00.002-04:00

johnny depp said that if you're in love with two people at the same time, pick the second one, because if you really loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the second. i guess maybe that's true and i guess maybe i need to let you go, not because i've fallen for someone else, but because i've fallen for the idea of something that we can never ever have together. we just can't. a prompt i had for a writing assignment was to write about someone i once loved, but love no longer, in the form of a three haiku sequence. it's not that i don't love you, but it's not the right kind of love, and i'm trying to free my heart because it's gotten so heavy. i'm sorry.

i shook my hair down

hoping you would find me some

sort of beautiful.

your eyes saw me but

there's more to me than the things

that you can hold, touch.

i guess i had hoped

your eyes saw deeper than that.

i know i was wrong.

(do you go back and count all the syllables every time you read a haiku? yeah, i do too)

2011-04-18T20:30:00.002-04:00

my arms are all itchy from alfalfa and on saturday i was at work for 9 hours because i was supposed to get 12 boxes of shipment done while i was main cashier and i couldn't get off the register for like .5 seconds because it was so flippin busy man. the shipment took forEVER it was all shoes that were packaged weirdly, whoever packaged them i want to punch in the stomach. my boss was being stupid and any time i tried to talk to someone she'd be like STOP CHATTING START WORKING even though i was working because apparently she doesn't understand the concept of multitasking. i also ripped my nail BAD, down to the quick and it was bleeding and all, of course this happened during a transaction so i was like WHOA definitely have to act like that didn't happen "hey have a great day thanks for coming in we'll see you next time here's some coupons" and all the while i had to like SMILE at people who were irritating me. that's the thing about retail ugh people are really bitchy and annoying sometimes smahrsajffskjf

i look like shit today because t stayed over last night and so i was up late so i slept through my alarm this morning and when i woke up i was like oh shit i have about 5 mins to get ready. so much for like showering. gross. i have like huge bags under my eyes it's also gross. i've tried the frozen spoon thing but it don't work. at least not for me cuz i'm a weirdo.

this is me tryin to be cutesy with the fat monkey t bought me, i love him, his name is tj (t jr obvvviously)

idk why this is relevant i just feel like i need to be uploading pictures from my actual life not from like.... random websites and stuff idk yeah.

my body is like diiiisgusting rn, i feel like i'm gaining shit tons of weight but i'm not eating gross stuff or anything. i think it's cause i'm stressed out which makes me more focused on it. idk, but i need to get back to working out regularly because i've been flaky about it. yuck.

this is where i randomly end the post without a conclusion because i don't really have anything else to say

this is beautiful

2011-03-28T16:56:00.003-04:00

Date A Girl Who Reads

An article by Rosemarie Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

so time consuming

2011-03-24T23:39:00.003-04:00

i hate painting my nails because i'm so obsessive about it so it takes me like 2 hours to do 2 coats + a topcoat. I CANNOT CONTROL MY LEFT HANDSFAJSDKLAJA

it's the same old fight

2011-03-17T21:28:00.002-04:00

maybe not exactly the same because at least now i don't act on the impulse to starve myself to dust, but it's still not easy. and it's really exhausting, but nobody ever said it wouldn't be. it's like i read once, you can stop the behaviors but the thoughts never completely go away. i'm always going to wish i could be smaller, because in the end i feel like my very existence is the imposition that keeps the world from spinning the way it is supposed to. i always feel in the way, or unwelcome, or just unworthy. it's like my mind thinks that if i can make myself smaller, i'll be less imposing. but i know the cycle and i know it just keeps going, because you can always be smaller until you're dead.

anyway the other day i went camping with four friends and had a much needed break from my routine. it was supposed to be their 'guys only' camping trip but they all said i should go because i'm "practically a guy with but with boobs," which i guess is nice of them. after so many years of isolating myself, i'm always amazed at the connections i feel to people around me. it's funny how we all talk and laugh and can pretty much say anything, but the best moments are the ones where we're all driving in the car with the radio turned up and we're not saying anything. or where we're all sharing cinnamon-fried ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream at el encanto and i'm not caring about the calories because why should i?

i wish i could have that mentality when it's just me and myself, with nobody else to tell me it's okay. when i'm with my friends i get so swept up in the excitement that i can allow myself to indulge without guilt, but when i'm alone all i can see are the imperfections that my mind wants to starve away. march 15th marked exactly 2 years since the day i came home from mirasol, and i still struggle, but i know that i'll struggle for the rest of my life. it won't always be so hard, but the urge will always be there. the difference now is that i'm fighting it, and i try to remember that.

251

2011-03-12T22:50:00.001-04:00

i wanna change pretty much everything about me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

250/two fiddy

2011-03-05T16:21:00.002-04:00

if you haven't read anything by derrick brown, do it. he is so good i can't even. this is the first poem i ever read from him, and it started an addiction that cannot be tamed.

cotton in the air
by derrick brown

Your polished back is arched like Saint Louis.

I can see your fingers pushing into the bricks
when I lift your hair
to smell October drain from your neck.

You are cotton caught in the air
I am unfurling laces in your body.

I move on you steady like a fleet of ships pushing ice.
I want to break it all.

Your tank top strap slips down the huh huh of your shoulder
and I will not strain meaning from this.

I have to taste all of your shapes with my teeth,
circles of salt
square butter.

Waltzing a wrecking ball.

I lift your body so that your legs strap to my hips and you
are now adorned.
I toss you around the room because I don’t want to be inside;
I want to walk through you.

So I can know.

I am wading in the dark felt Tijuana paintings of your hair.

I am molting my bed clothes uncoiling towards Sahara.

All I want to do is hot lust you into dead sweat.
To watch your legs, those bent sickles,
to watch them shake
like poisoned wrens.

I am gnashed and dazzled.
Smother me in the exhausted thrust of your yes. . . .
wet
as exploding laundromats.

You will be rough-balanced and throne-sucked and
tongue-dozed hard.
A straggler you can’t shake from your open-air lava solo.

May I be the image you turn to
when you are heaving alone,
burning like Halloween in Detroit?

I am breathing up your legssssspitting at the hiding nightingale.

Drift your breasts into my mouth
and I will be that doped up, spinning victrola.

La la la la la la.

I want to make love to you while you’re wearing figure skates
until the hardwood floors are toothpicks.
I want to kiss your throat in a dressing room with my hands
bound around your voice.
I want you to leave your boots on in your apartment
so we march our bodies across the ceiling
and confuse the neighbors.

I don’t care if you made that dress,
I will shred it until you look deserted.

You’re as restless as a New Orleans graveyard in a storm
with the coffins boiling up to the surface.

That’s all this writing is. You are across from me and the
soup is cooking.

I sit up all night listening to your dental records.

I will teach you of exorcism and screw the hell out of you.

I will carry your steam in my mouth.

Daydreaming of the evening of loud struggle.
Call my name—I will cascade like a suicide.
I will fall upon you like a box of fluorescent bulbs
dropped from a five-story building.

I will do anything you ask. . . .
unless I have been drinking; then it is opposite day.

I can’t believe you can sleep through all this.

Chunks of brick in your fingernails.
Mortar on your pillow
A bomb shelter
sketched on your skirt.

Safe.

oh my god, to write like this. i want to marry this man.

249 my babies

2011-03-03T18:50:00.002-04:00

so check these lil guys out,

COLLECTIVE AWWW. a bunny had babies in our hay pile in the backyard, there are five of them. their names are:

spartacus

gannicus

oenomaus (ik ik, wtf, it's pronounced "ani-may-us")

theocoles

and crixus

BROWNIE POINTS IF YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE NAMES ARE FROM. anyways, the names aren't really fitting considering they're nothing but furry little puffs of cute, but that's not the point. they are my babies. but that picture was taken probably a week ago when their eyes were still closed. since then their eyes have opened and they've left the nest, on their own in this cruel world :'( and all that stuff

so this is when they opened their eyes:

and this is spartacus (the only two you can really tell apart are spartacus and gannicus. spartacus is the smallest and darkest and he has a little white mark on his head and gannicus is the biggest and he has a white mark on his head too!)

obv i didn't just pick him up without knowing it was okay, for those of you who are like OMG THE MAMA BUNNY WILL ABANDON THEM IF YOU TOUCH THEM, okay i did some research before touching them and mother bunnies have very strong maternal instincts and it's hard to get them to abandon their babies! and the only ones i picked up were s and g because they're my fave lil warriors ♥

they've all left the nest now even though they're still tiny. that's kinda what i feel like. i mean obv i'm not as tiny or cute as those bunnies, but i feel like i've just barely opened my eyes and i'm already leaving the nest and it's like, um no there are predators out there, i want back in my hay pile please.

248

2011-03-03T00:40:00.003-04:00

it's been a while huh?

a lot of things have happened. one, got fired from my job at vs because a girl at a dif store decided to screw me over during an exchange, made it look like i was trying to steal money from the company and didn't ring me up as an associate, reported it later making it look like i got $15 back WHEN I DIDN'T GET NO MONEY BACK, anyways basically she gets me fired for something tha ti didn't even do, and gets $50 for getting me fired because that is the "culture of honesty" that the company believes in. if you report someone and get them fired, you get $50. so, good for her, i hope she used that money to buy some crack or something

this happened about 2 1/2 weeks ago but i'm still bitter, i hold onto things i guess. probably because i fucking loved that job with every little fiber of my being. my boss was a total sweetheart. it wasn't her decision to terminate me, it was the "district manager" who i've only ever met twice and both of those times i was on break stuffing my face so how's that for a good impression. anyway she (my boss, not the dm) sent me a really sweet message on facebook after the fact. she felt really bad about the whole thing but hey life happens

alsooo someone got mad at me over a silly facebook post, proceeded to block me, delete my number, and key my car because that's how you deal with problems in today's world. so that was good.

2011 has been year of the medical bills for my family. dad was in ICU for 17 days at $15,000-20,000 A DAY. as in, for one day! and he almost died like 5 or 6 times. and now mom's getting knee surgery, and i will withhold all the gruesome details but i might have some serious shyt going on with my stomach and maybe am going to die but idc anymore i really just want my job back. when i'm not working i sit and do stupid things all day and get depressed. such a sad story right.

i need to finish my stupid assignment, i actually have TWO stupid assignments to finish now that i think of it, i'm such a procrastinator. a wise man once said "procrastination is like masturbation, it's fantastic until you realize you're just fucking yourself"

umm, here's a picture of a pretty guy

donno who he is but i don't mind if he bums here for a while

247 ye

2010-11-29T15:39:00.002-04:00

the past few months in pictures (not mine, click on the photo and you will be taken to the artist's work, because i am not a picto-thief):

(in the sense of, fuck what the world says, i don't need you to tell me it's okay to listen to bizarro music/do bizarro things/be a bizarro person. not in the sense of fuck the world i'm done i'm killing myself blablah although i do have things to say about that as well.)

i think i've sort of lost my touch with this blogging thing, but it's alright because i'm just a little sailboat alalalaalaaaa,

246

2010-11-28T20:36:00.002-04:00

phew have things CHANGED. i mean, i'm still the same weird too-tall gawky person with a million things to say and no way to say them, but things have changed.

i got my first story published (woo) in a writing competition for my college. i won 1st place in the short story competition even though IMO my story was a piece of shyt to say the least. whatevers. so that got entered in district blablah i'm really not expecting much from that. and i'm not saying that in the way where people say "oh i'm not expecting anything" but secretly are. i really think the story has gone as far as it will go and that is okay because i can write so much better than that junk piece.

i quit my shitty job at the toy store and now i work at (deep breath in) victoria's secret. and i love it. my boss is wonderful and so are my coworkers. also it is only 5 mins (literally) from my house so i can put off getting ready til the last minute and still be there *EARLY.*

got my nose pierced ~like a boss, it's just something i've wanted to do for a very long time and never was brave enough until i said screw the world i'm going to do what i want. i had these two days of "i'm a new woman" and they really did a lot for me actually. i'm so much better than i was a few months ago and that is the truth.

moved my horse to a new barn and we are making insane amounts of progress. love that animal to death, just saying.

finally got wasted at t's birthday a few weeks ago, i don't remember a whole lot except the jim beam and coke (this is coca cola okay) and spilling it on my jeans and changing into pjs then telling m he had amazing taste in music, expressing my undying drunken love for j who i love only as a friend, burning my toes on the fire pit (blisters ensued) and waking up magically without a hangover. thank jeebs. but i do remember telling t before we fell asleep in his bed, we need to not be drunk together you are not taking care of me, though he was, in fact, taking care of me, i just get in this funny little hole when i drink i've noticed.

SO MORE LATER. i'm never gonna give up on this blog i think!

245 i know that i can stand, my head high, forget not where i fall

2010-07-04T01:16:00.006-04:00

still i find why and reason

now that i am in my last year of teendom i've decided to change some things. like doing the Right Thing. i am going to stay on top of my laundry. i won't turn my headphones up too loud. i won't feel angsty listening to all that remains because it takes me back to your car with your golf balls and guitar picks and clif bar wrappers, because you're not the one i should be thinking of. i will go to work early and make small talk with my boss and not clock in early/clock out late to make a few extra bucks. i already broke one of these and it's been less than two minutes, this song ruins me!

i changed my google background to remind me to be more optimistic and not such a debbie downer

it's break time, i'm so out of words it's awful you guys. i'm coughing up my lungs trying to get a good word in (or out) and it's not working anymore, i'm losing my voice because i'm not speaking for myself anymore. i have so much to work on and it's only just beginning

244

2010-07-01T01:45:00.005-04:00

i'm 19 now woooo woo yeah woo yeah yeah wooooo who cares woooooo yeah! 2 years until full legality not that i'm going to do anything about it wooo yeah wooo celebrate good times come on yeah wooo! real update later maybe

oh PS it's ony 10:49pm on june 30th (the date down there VVV is a lie) so technically i am still the birthday princess for one hour and eleven minutes.

243 the moon and the stars are ganging up on the sun

2010-06-25T00:53:00.006-04:00

whenever i begin one of these posts, i never know where it is going to go. maybe i have a few things in mind, but if i do i usually end up not even writing about them. things like i want to make a website and start a writing portfolio, the other day my 6 year old niece legitimately kicked my ass at wii bowling, and i devoured a book in two days which is something i've missed. i spend so much time numbing out! it's time for me to wake up.

i kind of miss my old entries. i used to write about things that mattered, or at least i tried. maybe i tried too hard but at least they turned out alright. i don't know, i guess things change.

i feel like i have an extra layer of skin, right beneath the surface. my second skin is impenetrable, most of the time. when someone pours their soul into me and tells me how they love me, i am numb. it's like a layer of ice, and i don't know how to melt it. i've spent so long building it up. what, 18 years? i'll be 19 soon, in less than a week. 19 years of carving an ice sculpture into my bones, under my skin, so cold sometimes i'm starved for feeling.

sometimes though, the light creeps in and i don't know where it came from but i am in love with the feeling, as in love as i'll ever be with anyone or anything. these are the moments i live for, the moments i can grab hold of and stuff in my pockets and come back to on a rainy day. the ice melts, and i radiate golden heat and my eyes shine. no more mouth coated with guilt, no more dry choking on dust, no more diving into ice. just rays of sun and sounds of summer. i've been having more of these moments lately.

almost a year since t walked into my store after not seeing him for 6 years! amazing, how time changes things. never would i have dreamed that we would be here, now. never would have imagined waking up tangled with him and with my hand pressed against his neck. what do i want? what am i waiting for? what did i leave behind? did i leave anything behind?

i am trying to fall in love, but the ice and the questions are making it so hard. sometimes i am there, ice melted, i am head-over-heels just like in the movies and the books. mostly, though, i am stuck. i don't feel afraid, so i don't know what keeps me here. i always tell you, there's something missing, there's something missing and i need it. my candle isn't lit. i don't know what it is. it's intangible, it has no words, and if it does will you please tell me? how can you do everything so right and still leave me wanting more? am i just insatiable or am i justified in my longings? i don't know, and i'm afraid the only way i'll ever find out will be very, very painful. and it will take a very, very long time.

in the meantime i am trying to stop questioning things that don't need to be questioned. i am trying to let go, have fun. i'm still so young and i have so much ahead of me! i am trying to hold onto the moments that take me away from solitude and discontent, and i am trying to stop running from things that make my heart race, like the treehouse adventures with you:

never would have thought this would be possible. so what am i going to do with it? the clay is in my hands, pliable, soft, warm, and the possibilities are endless. it's going to determine so much but i haven't the faintest clue where to go. i'm counting on you, i'm hoping for the best and not worrying about the worst. i do love you, i am just so unsure of myself.

242 i title these after i write them

2010-06-19T01:26:00.004-04:00

i want to lose 3429013 lbs sometimes. like now. which is silly but it's because i haven't been eating enough and it's fueling the fire. plus i'm pissed at (you) kind of even though it's probably not a big deal. i will blow it out of proportion because that is what i do when i forget how to deal with life and its happenings. right now i'm annoyed because my friend always comes into town at the last minute (after high school she moved to a city a few hours away) and every time she just expects to stay at my place without even asking. how do i tell her i just want to be alone tonight? how do i tell her i just want to be alone most nights? that it's sort of an inconvenience for her to come and stay at my house for 3 days without asking and without warning. i love her but i'm frustrated and i'm trying so hard not to take it out on someone else but then the frustration just sits in my stomach like a hot ball of something toxic and it needs somewhere to go so i take it out on myself and i can't even cry, so the hot ball of toxicity sits and boils and gets hotter and maybe i'll dig into my skin to free just a little bit of it, but i'm trying not to do that. maybe i'll just go to sleep, yeah.

today was too much but I'M TRYING. tomorrow i'll just take it a little easier, not rush headlong into something so foreign-feeling since the waves have taken me down. i have hope i guess, i try anyways. i'll be waking up at 6 to go spend hours and hours at the barn with my mom's new horse (eeee he's cute i am so happy for my mom; there's a part of her that lights up when she's with the horses and she was absolutely heartbroken when she had to say goodbye to her last horse), and of course my lovely lenardo

(i may or may not have uploaded this photo of us before i'm not caring)

so much about this photo before i say bye:

-obviously, my horse, who i credit with saving my life and dragging me out of the darkest times

-it was taken by my best friend at the time, best friend of 8 years and practically a sister, we have both changed so much and there's something big and nameless between us now. we'll probably never get past it

-(too big, too long) brown shirt brought home from my wonderful dad when he got back from a trip to ohio. he always brings me back a (too big, too long) shirt when he goes on trips and i love it because it reminds me of when i was little and used to wear his shirts. the sleeves would go down past my elbows even on short-sleeved shirts and the bottom would be mid-shin.

-um i need to get my hair cut to that length again because ^that was my legit, hasn't-been-touched bedhead. now it's so long it just kind of aldajfahfs tangles itself and kills me.

-nardo is licking my hand up thar

okay night

241 imagery to up my spirits

2010-06-15T16:20:00.002-04:00

i love:

giraffes (my ~soul animal~)

flecks of light and ocean

love, lust, the curve of a warm body

wild, green, freedom, flowers

cute soft little sleepy-eyed kittens

240

2010-06-14T19:21:00.000-04:00

oatmeal with cinnamon and sugar mmmm it burned my tongue but i choose to forgive because it is so delicious and warm and i am so hungry and cold mmmmmm

239 and the coma you slip into will hold all this against you and you'll learn to bite your tongue when you speak

2010-06-10T02:30:00.005-04:00

tonight i'm not going to cheat and use pictures from flickr, you will be seeing ACTUAL photographs from my ACTUAL life \o/ i've just always wanted to use that emoticon thing. and this one \m/ rock on.

hiii it's not late but i'm tired, the time at the bottom of these posts is always off sometimes it's not even on the right day. idk what time it's telling you but it is IN FACT 11:51pm here. and i need to get up by 6 in the morning ~~~enthusiasm***

i'm here to say that i'm just like all of you! i'm really normal. boring, even. i tend to become fascinated with people online through their blogs etc (not a creeper okay i just like getting lost in the life of a stranger from time to time, that's what books are right?!), and i almost put them on this unreal level where they're this ethereal being with perfect-like-honey words and their shoelaces never get worn out. you know why i think this happens? i'm only being exposed to a small part of their world, the part they're willing to share with me. the rest is their own. the people i know in person, especially the ones i'm close to, i see their world for what it is (at least to some extent), i hear them fumble over words because we have no backspace button, we only have our bumbling thoughts and tongue twisters and thoughts that come too fast for our mouths.

if you were to meet me in person, i think, you might not even believe i write this. i'm so normal! my room is a complete mess, my car is scratched up on the doors from the two times i've locked my keys in it and had to break in, i feel INSANELY awkward around people sometimes, i get flushed and embarrassed and hot-cheeked when i stumble over my words (often), my puppy:

chews up my shoes >:(, my phone dies, i don't give two shits about politics, i am insanely flaky when it comes to returning text messages, i have added people i didn't like or didn't even know on facebook just to up my friend count, i get stuck in routine, i hide my face in pictures:

i worry and overanalyze when people take too long to respond to a text/email/whatever because it MUST mean they don't like me right?!?!, and i need to do my laundry before it takes over my room any more. i will even take a picture to illustrate this:

YIKES so yeah i'm pretty typical. my laptop battery is about to die also which is probably a sign from god that i need to go to bed. i think i'm beginning to take a couple steps toward the light, again! this is a constant theme with me, obviously. thanks for sticking in there for those of you who actually read this! it makes me glad to know it hasn't all been in vain.

238 everybody's trying to be the best, what about the girl with the loneliness

2010-06-06T16:28:00.004-04:00

From the inside out
You've changed, girl
You know you have
Don't make a good thing bad
Just let me hold you in my hands

i like adjectives a lot, and soft nouns and i like sad words and words that glow. i want to be a writer, i love to tangle words together and i want to create meaning.

this is an exercise i read about in someone else's blog. you write ten words starting with a, then b, then c, etc. all the way through the alphabet. IT'S TOUGH. and i'm embarrassed to share it especially because at the end when you're writing it you're like well wtf the letter x sucks balls. and so does z. but hey i've got nothing to lose right?@?!?!?? right.

awakened and alive, another amazing accomplishment.

angles are abundant among beautiful bare bones,

bound breathlessly,

broken, brittle beneath boldly blushing crimson,

crushing cadences. cradled cries concealed,

"careful. comparisons can't cure despair."

divine devils dance, delving deeper.

death doesn't dare dream.

emerald eyes evoke emotion,

eventually even expose enigmas.

erase everything.

forever's finite forgiveness flickers,

feathers fall from frailty,

find fever.

faking genuine gratitude, giving girls greatness,

grassy games gave good graves.

heaven has horses, hell harbors heroes

her hands hold his head in ice,

illustrate impossible indifference.

"i ignite, inspire. if it jades, just jump."

judges, juries jeering,

jesting.

juliet's jewels kill kneeling kings,

kindly knit kisses kick keepsakes,

kerosene lights lovers' laughter,

listening like leaves.

lifetime lullabies look lost.

melancholy midnights mean moonlit mourning,

most mothers miss mumbled "mommy"s.

now nightmares need nothing,

neither neverending negativity nor

naivety near opal oceans of omniscient openmindedness.

once obsoletion overcomes optimism,

owls push pessimism,

pretty parades perish.

people pay painful prices,

praying quilted quotations quickly quell queen's quarrels.

quivers quit questioning quaint roads,

rejection, reddened rages replace romance,

revenge results.

races run solely so sorrow stays sleeping,

sprinting soon stops sufficing.

suffering takes time to tear through thick thoughts,

tender tales tossed tensely, unchained, under used up ultimatums.

undone umbrellas unabashedly use uncloaked victims.

virtues vanish, vacancy validates vicious vices.

viper venom visits where whispers wage wars,

we wish we wanted warmth.

xylophones, x-rays, xo's, x's, x-mas, x-ing, xylograph, xeric xanadus, xenolith

your yellow youth yells yesterday's yearning,

you yelp yielding years.

zipping zapping zooming zany zealous zoo zebras zamboni zambezi zebrawood

hi can you tell the x's and z's are just thrown together :) that's okay. i like this (?????!) i actually do! it's nice to be able to say that sigh. i hope all is well with you, readers if i have any. i love you all mwahhh

237 ssssssskin

2010-06-01T20:42:00.005-04:00

spent the weekend in flagstaff with seven other people in a cabin and now i hate them all except for three. well, i was never that enchanted by the rest of them anyways. one night i was so frustrated i slept in my car wrapped up like a cocooned caterpillar in t's sleeping bag and my (used-to-be) white hoodie. and the night before that i was just as much a mess but instead of being raged i was apathetic and crying and trying to get t to let go of me so i could drive home alone for 3 hours in the middle of the night, not that i would have been able to drive

i am not enchanting or delightful or inspiring or interesting or lovely okay. i am a mask. i'm going to have a new scar from a moment of weakness over something so stupid it makes me want to puke and i'm just disgusted with myself, again.

side note i do not get along with girls, at all. i spent the entire weekend avoiding the two girls that were there because i literally cannot be around them. so i am predisposed to disliking half of the world's population AWESOME

also i used the words fuck/shit/asshole/cock/twatface probably 6000 times this weekend and talked bad about someone and laughed when r's droid phone said that s (one of the girls we were camping with) had a face like pig testicles so i'm officially going to hell.

*INTERMISSION HELLO*

.....wow so i wrote all of that yesterday and left it as a draft because i didn't feel finished with it yet. i was exhausted so forgive my excessive whining. instead here are the good things that happened at the cabin:

i sat in a treehouse for the first time in my life !!!

i am apparently a dart-playing fiend/prodigy and also a great scorekeeper

barq's rootbeer enough said

two hour long hike with j and t, discovering a canyon with a creek (i caught a tiny frog in my hand and he was just lovely despite his slimy complexion) and a small cavern where the light was KILLER GORGEOUS

btw i'm just letting you know all of the pictures on here lately have been from flickr so they link through to the original photographer because god knows i'm not that good

yeah other stuff but i'm battling my brain a little so that's it for now. skeet skeet

236 so close, so close, forget it 'cause close doesn't count when you're counting on me

2010-05-27T00:52:00.004-04:00

okay this is going to sound mean but i dgaf (please take this moment to contemplate and admire my newly implemented badassness). my aunt depresses the hell out of me, the same way going to walmart depresses the hell out of me. i guess it goes like this

when i look into the future i want my eyes to light up and to skip around and be a kid eating a melty hershey's bar forever. but when i fall into mediocrity (reality?) i realize that it won't always be like that. my hershey's bar will become a non-fat mocha with soymilk and a shot of espresso and my eyes will sink to the ground and i'll be gray and boring and old. i try not to think this way but my brain is stronger than me, i'll admit that. when i look at my aunt, her misery sinks into me and i wonder, what if i turn out like her. she just sits up all night and watches her soaps and goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in with her eyes so tired and her heart so heavy.

she's been living with us for over a year when it was supposed to be 6 months. when she walks in the door she lets in the rainclouds, that's the only way i can describe it. i hate it. i mean, maybe i'm being selfish, but i really want this house to feel the same, and it won't as long as she's here. she's supposed to be leaving soon and i'll shake my head when she says "thanks again for everything, i'm sure you've gotten sick of having me around..." which i have, but i'll never tell her, even though she knows.

ho hum, i hate to write anymore about this. i also hate that i use the word hate so much. it's intoxicating the air around me!!!!!! or something whatever yeah...

i had a poem-ish piece i wanted to post but since it's on my computer (which i do not have access to, long story) i can't post it. i like it, but you might not, it's kind of strange and it's not really meant to be understood. which i like.

there's a small mosquito on the computer screen
my right ankle is going numbbbbbbbbunbmbmwsjdnfsn
i need to sleep

235 mwah

2010-05-22T22:53:00.008-04:00

i'm going to talk about sex. sex and your body, your mind, your heart. they're all different. they can happen at the same time, obviously the body is a must-have unless you are the girl from 40 days and 40 nights and can orgasm from a guy blowing a flower petal across your stomach.

i love sex, i can't imagine not loving it, and i don't think that's shameful. but i also can't imagine being able to enjoy sex just with my body, i can't imagine something else not being present. since i was little i've always felt that way. at the time i couldn't even fathom the process, but i always held it on a pedestal. it was a Big Deal. (it still is.) my eyes widened at the thought of willingly giving that much of yourself to somebody. even in high school i couldn't grasp it, though i knew the people around me were having sex, ditching class to do it in the parking lot in their boyfriend's raised truck, sneaking into the raquetball courts at the community college and giving blowjobs.

my best friend in 9th grade got a blowjob from his girlfriend and dumped her minutes after because she apparently was inexperienced and couldn't get him to cum (some gentleman of a best friend i had, TANGENT he sold my PS2 and my games for drug money and tried to console me by saying it was a shitty high anyway) but i was just disgusted by that! people put so much emphasis on the physical aspects that they forget about the rest. granted the physical parts are wonderful, but if they're not backed by something more, they're essentially worthless once the shaking and the sweating and the biting and kissing are over, and then what? you're lying naked next to someone and you just want to hide because now everything they wanted from you has been given and laid out on the table and you've got nothing left for them, until the next time their desire tops out and bubbles over and they're kissing your neck again.

my favorite part about sex isn't the orgasm or the shaking or my toes curling, it's the warmth of skin on skin, the impossible closeness, lying afterward with my nose pressed to his neck just above his collarbone, his heartbeat against my chest, knowing i could say anything and it would be okay. i love the way i feel like i'm going to literally melt into him and i could lie in his arms forever and be safe, and i love slow kisses and kissing his eyelids, his forehead, his cheeks. my favorite part about it is not in receiving physical gratification but in giving myself wholly to someone i trust and love and not being afraid to do so. i feel sad that people treat it so casually but i guess everybody's process is different.

we talked in philosophy about how sex is a sign and seal of love. how a physical union is not complete without a spiritual union. maybe corny or old-fashioned but i'm okay with being corny and old-fashioned this time. that doesn't mean i can't dress up in sexy matching lingerie and do the dirty things they talk about in cosmo! sorry for the tmi but you know.

okay i'm going to post this now without reading through it and editing it (this is my new rule) because otherwise i'll delete everything and start over and this will end up being about something completely boring. ciao or summat

234 bones are broken and the will is sunk, how did everything get so fucked up?

2010-05-19T03:05:00.003-04:00

it's really hard to smile sometimes. i'm trying you guys i promise i am.

my words feel like shit, it's like swallowing sand when i want to get something down on paper. mostly i'm trying not to kill myself still which sounds awfully pathetic but it's a lot harder than it sounds. i know suicide is selfish and it's a coward's way out whatever, i've heard all the lectures and i've seen families crying because how could someone so close to them be so alone and so desperate?

i'd honestly like to be able to tell you that when i'm in that place, i can see in my head a forest of dark trees and bare branches and black sky and old wet leaves crunched into dead soil but i don't see ANYTHING. there is nothing, when i'm depressed there is nothing but saltwater and red. i'd like to be able to tell you that i see something more, but it's just the feeling of being trapped. i'm going to deal with this MY WHOLE LIFE. there is no way around it. and sometimes i can't handle that, because i'm sick of being a slave to brain chemistry. it's not that i don't know it will get better. i know it will! by tomorrow maybe. the problem is i'm terrified of being happy because i know what will happen afterwards. it's like a punishment.

it is literally impossible to look up when you are sunk in chemical depression. i fucking hate that people think it's a choice and i should just look up inspirational quotes and take a walk and soak up some vitamin d. sorry but what a joke. you know what i'm talking about if you've gone through it.

i don't know if i can do this, i'm being honest. i hope i can and i guess that counts for something. i'm scared though.

233 a change of meds is in order

2010-05-17T01:53:00.002-04:00

friday: wake up happy, phone call, major meltdown, near suicide, call mother in tears asking her to please come home and save me from myself and the bottle of pills rattling in my shaking hands, calm down, clean up, dinner and a milkshake with mom, get pissed at self and self's brainfucks

saturday: wake up somewhat calm, plans in place for afternoon, ride my lovely horse early in the morning, smile and jitterdance all the way home, take shower, prepare to leave house to meet with friends, read something, feel left out, make phone call, begin bawling in the car, near suicide, almost drive off road into canal, keep crying, still on phone, the demons in my brain the demons in my brain i can't do this i just can't do this it hurts so bad, "please baby please turn around come to my house please just listen stay on the phone with me come to my house don't do this," turn around, arrive, cry in arms, calm down, regain composure, meet with friends, laugh and shop and joke for 6 hours, never missed a beat, like nothing ever happened. like nothing ever fucking happened.

i'm honestly going to be amazed if i make it to 25 what the FUCK

232 i've been saying i dig things a lot lately

2010-05-13T19:32:00.002-04:00

so i keep getting invited to go out ~clubbing~ with this guy which if you know me is a BIG LAFF. it's not really my scene i guess, i don't like music so loud i can't hear anybody to know whether they're calling me fat or saying they like my ass. it sounds pretty much the same in those places.

anyways this guy we'll call him angelo even though that's not even close to his name, i don't really know him but he sent me a picture of him with his shirt off wearing just a corona towel around his waist. he's 25 which is 7 years older than me and he has a kid and he's kind of a party boy (plus he's mega short which can be a dealbreaker for me considering my giraffe-like height), so naturally i am *not interested.* but instead of telling him all that i just explained that i'm in relationship limbo, so to speak, and that i'm not really up for anything of that nature, at which point he proceeded to tell me that there's no commitment with him ever so i shouldn't worry. i kind of laughed because i already knew there was no commitment, you can tell right away. idk if he just wants to sleep with me (yes yes yes) or if he's actually into me (no no no) but i think it's the former.

so i don't really have anything to say except i'm getting ready for work and my boss is a mega bitch. don't care if she reads this because i'm going to quit once i find another job, not that she would read it anyways. i've been getting 4 hours a week 4 HOURS at barely above min wage and she's redheaded which is okay and crazy inconsistently passive aggressive which is not okay.

okay?

i dig this

231

2010-05-08T20:41:00.003-04:00

i'm just tired and i keep slipping up, one day at a time is too slow for me. last night i cried because i was too scared to eat the rocky road ice cream in the freezer, it used to be my favorite. i'm sick, and i mean in a couple ways.

i have a cold or something like it and i keep coughing and my nose is all raw but that pales in comparison to the fact that...

my mind is all twisted and confused, it can't decide between mania and depression. and to top it all off...

i feel like losing about 50lbs which is not feasible considering i'm already at the low end of my bmi but who cares about that when you have body dysmorphia!!!!!

230 leaving room typos tpyos toyps

2010-05-05T14:03:00.003-04:00

so i'm in my computer class and it's almost over and i'll never see these faces again. i have a 93.43% but i don't know how because normally i am the Ultimate Procrastinator. technically i could leave right now but i am just so comfortable and my fingers are kind of just going going going and i'm not goig to use the backspace buttion.

i wihs wish i could show my facde. face, facade, both i guess. i lied about not using the backspace butto n because i am tired and it's hard to type with craaaazy nails anmd this keyboard STINKS.

i hate the taste of alcohol i just do. i feel like i'm swallowing nail polish remover. i should go up to flag and stay with my friend V and get drunk on her vodka mix that tastes like vanilla cupcakes. the other night in the back of my car i was wearing th e infamous red sofees and i was with you and i took a sip of that awful brandy which wqas old and had been sitting in your friend's cabinet and i made funny faces because3 it burned my throat. my legs were wrapped around the head rest of the front passenger seat and my legs are oh so white like ghosts.

/i can make the simplesdt of times sound somewhat unreal sometimes if i try, the tequila wasn't so bad and later i liked how my chest felt warm. i fell asleep on your chest and you were breathing deep, sometimes in your sleep you stop breathing and it scares me and i want to wake you up but i can't because i imagine your dream,s are so beautiful, filled with musioc and colors and maybe me

229 this is me admitting to you how weird i am:

2010-05-04T20:32:00.003-04:00

in 5

1......

facts about today:

i smell good

my outfit received general approval from everyone in the world woop woop

my hair is relatively tame

the rest of the semester is going to be a breeeeeZe

i took a nap

i am hungry

you were the first thing i saw this morning

i love this website

and snuggling

my blog entries are more or less shit now because i'm too lazy to care sometimes

i have reason to believe nobody will ever be able to replace you

AND THESE ARE THE SCARIEST THING EVER

braaaaaaar hello i am mr. coconut crab i am the world's largest living anthropod and i feast on small children and i can smell your fearrrr

228 shhhmungle

2010-05-03T01:58:00.002-04:00

i feel _______ when i hang out with him but i'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of you

guilty

regretful

cold

confused

like i'll never get out of this mess

d'uuuuuuuughhhhhh

227 nightmare pills

2010-05-01T02:04:00.002-04:00

i fucked up my meds today,

:(((((((

stilllll struggling with body image shit. well not even body image so much as just this sick gross feeling i get after i've eaten and i'm full. guilt manifests itself into physical discomfort after so long, sometimes after i eat i feel like i should cry which is dumb. i haven't been restricting and i haven't purged in over 8 months but the other day i almost did. i'm always going to be in recovery, you know? it's never just gonna be gone. that's alright though i mean you get used to it and it's a lot brighter than it used to be in my head.

so tired but i can't sleep. ignoring text messages. probably going to cut up a magazine and make something. i need to start reading again, and making things. my horse's hoof was bleeding tonight, :( sigh.

my puppy is sleeeeeeepin. her name is bubbles look at how cute she is:

pound puppy we rescued her on 12/23/09. and she is the cutest thing ever. i snuggle with her at night because she's warm and soft and she likes to snuggle. okay that is all

226 your love is gonna drown

2010-04-26T14:21:00.002-04:00

i'm at the community college i love it and hate it here sometimes. 40 minutes til my next class i might just ditch. i feel fat today my jeans are tight i don't wanna eat lunch but i might. my purse is on the table in front of me, kinda too close to the guy sitting next to me but i don't wanna move it because then what will he think?! why do i care?!

i'm really frustrated this morning. are you WILDLY jealous of anyone? i can think of a couple. it's pretty bad because i end up comparing to the point of making myself sick. it's rough but it's hard to stop. i mean i'm a lot better than i was but i still fixate on stupid things like how pretty someone else is and how that somehow makes me lesser of a person, even though i know it really doesn't. i wish i could tell you.

stream of consciousness WHAT'SUPPP

choking on limbs, i'm half empty today but i feel all the way full. i swallow trees and my skeleton is made of ivory branches and my feet stick to the ground. roots sink into the soil from my skin and i'm stuck here and that girl had my jeans!!! i lose focus too fast, i think too fast and i move too slow. my sails are still with no wind to push them through this water. it's deep and it's starting to look black and it gets cold at night. goosebumps write me stories and talk to me about what it was like a year ago, with wolves nipping my ankles whenever i tried to give in. i always had bandages above my feet, soaked through with blood and ripped to shreds again by the teeth biting down to my bones. it's hard not to listen to the goosebu mps sometimes but they're just trying to kill me! trying to make me give in and go back to the near-comatose state that landed me in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and consciousness. click your heels and run away and when you trip get back up because that's all you can do if you don't want to stay stuck here and melt into the dirt. the rain never felt so good on my skin, i just want to live in a star.

225 senselessness for the sake of sleep

2010-04-23T02:20:00.002-04:00

it's never winter here! i'm tired. i'm hhhungry but i'm shirtless so i'm not going to go into the kitchen to get food. i'm that lazy. i need to wash my makeup off but sleep sounds good. sleep drugs. why, when i am emotionally unavailable, does everyone with a penis suddenly decide i'm appealing? i only love one boy, he's still my brightest light and you will never ever be him. sorryh, and i don't like your shoes or the way you touch my leg when we're in your car! i do like looking up baby animals on google. did you know you can type "foofle.com" in the address bar and it will take you to google? or gewgle or googel and some other variations i'm sure.

i know what the fuck is something so cute doing here in this blog i just needed some lightening up!!!!! cutes

224 i wish that i could follow through

2010-04-18T20:15:00.002-04:00

i know that your love is true and deep as the sea

^ not me sry just love that picture....

um, this is for t. i'm going to miss you so fucking much. i'm going to miss us, the way we were together, so fucking much. if i'm honest with myself this was the right thing to do but it still baffles me what a beautiful fucking human being you are. i have NEVER felt so loved by anybody! promise me you will always be in my life. i would give anything for you to hold me right now

223

2010-04-16T05:58:00.004-04:00

umm what sleep?!

i'll be back soon..........

222 oh sunday

2010-04-11T21:30:00.005-04:00

i can feel words swimming through my veins. they electrify and inspire and sometimes horrify me. i want to be able to express myself. i'm transferring from the local community college to the closest university (asu/#1 party school unghhh) to enter the creative writing program asap. i'm only 18 but i'm already going to be a junior in college next semester!? i have so much life ahead of me! i'm still so young.

sundays are lazy. sundays are for old ripped up jeans and sloppy white tank tops and not caring about chipped nail polish. sundays are for downloading tons of new music and only liking three songs. sundays are for no makeup and rubbing your eyes all you want! and for choppy poetry that doesn't flow or rhyme or matter. emptying your words just for the sake of emptying them, to make room for more. birds, little, dark, shoes, crimson, blush legs beauty wistful dust ribcage sad white freckle ghost

221

2010-04-10T00:05:00.003-04:00

damn you know that group of kids from your high school that were all tan and the girls had blonde hair and high heels and tight jeans, and the guys all had muscles and nice shirts and white teeth and they smelled good? you know, they partied on the weekends and had hundreds of pictures of beer pong and drunkenness on their myspace, and they had casual sex just cause. you know those kids?

THIS IS WHAT THEY TURN INTO

sorry snookums you orange stout little person i'm throwing you to the wolves PEACE

220 flying to the sun without a plane when you're here

2010-04-08T21:31:00.005-04:00

CAN YOU BELIEVE...

-it's been over a year since i came home from mirasol. (i still have vivid dreams about it, like i've gone back and everything is almost the same.) i still credit it with being the push i needed to save my life! i guarantee if it had not been for that place i would have disappeared a long time ago

-i eat now! like a normal person more or less, when i'm hungry i eat and when i'm full i stop. well okay sometimes. and i don't throw up my feelings anymore or starve until i can't stand up. i mostly eat breakfast foods all day but hey i just love breakfast

-i've opened up to someone. completely. (by choice!!!!!!! wtf did you know i was capable of that, me neither) he knows everything there is to know about me and more, from my crazy black and white brain down to the tiny bump in the middle of my head right where my skin meets my hairline. he's become my best friend and more and as scary as it's been i've learned that there are people out there who will love you for everything you are, whether you're made up and dressed up and shining or you're raw and broken down and ready to give up.

i have so much to say. taking some time away from this was probably good for me, i needed to gather thoughts instead of forcing myself to write things that meant nothing just for the sake of having something to post.

i hope all is well with you, whoever you are, i'm not sure how many people will ever read this again but it's here!

i am so HaPpY ASKDhsKHdsakfhsahdahb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

219 hello!

2010-04-07T00:54:00.001-04:00

i still exist, you know. i can't believe how long it's been since i started this! i might be back, i've missed you, blog who cannot talk back

218 bones are popping

2009-12-14T17:34:00.003-04:00

sadly i think i may have outgrown this. that's not to say i won't ever be back when my head swells with thought (as it has been known to do) and i need a place to release the pressure.

i started this over a year ago and i've changed more than i'll ever be able to explain, but hopefully you know how i feel. i think everyone is entitled to this sort of transformation at some point in their lifetime, i'm lucky to have survived mine and i'm lucky it happened when it did.

i'm older than i was but i'm new. i'm learning to fight. i'm listening to music and hearing it for the first time. i'm in love. i'm less afraid. i'm proud, and i'm hopeful for my future and i'm hopeful for you. one breath at a time and eyes toward the sky, that's the only way i've ever found to stay sane.

217 my bones are paper and yours glass

2009-11-28T19:18:00.003-04:00

i'm sick with guilt whenever my posts are dreary, i think about the people who read this and say it gives them hope or makes them smile and feel like i'm letting them down. i'm not responsible for anyone else's emotions blahblahblah but i always feel like i am.

i wrote this a long time ago, i've been debating whether or not to post it but heeeeey why not

Your collarbones are anchors keeping me here, grounded, and they are wings lifting me into light and sky and words floating around our heads. Fingers wrapped around our hearts. Our feet move with quiet deliberation to the sounds put forth by the black box across the room, and you can see the notes floating, the colors and lights are brighter with our eyes closed so we keep them that way. And we sway and we sway and the sun is jealous of my eyes for the shine in them, my knees are bruised but my cheeks glow and my heart is filled with your smiles and the ocean. Still with angels pressing my eyelids down soft, I can see the crinkles in the corner of your eyes when you laugh and the way dimples are tiny waves in the surface of the peaceful water that is your skin. Freckles like spots of the finest dirt you've ever seen or little chocolate spots on soft caramel and vanilla. My bones are paper and yours glass. I rip apart at the seams, heartwrenching and quiet and crying, and you shatter, violent and sudden and loud like someone yelling at you to get out of the way. Ribbons unravel from around my heart every time you kiss my lips or breathe on my neck but your heart stays hidden and tucked away like some treasure you're protecting from the world. All the gold coins and strings of pearl shining and luring in the girls and their lusting eyes, but you give them a glimpse and shut it back up, swallow the key. They'll never know what's at the bottom of that treasure chest but here I am leaning into you and our hearts are beating together and for a second even with my eyes closed I can see it in you, see the key and one day you'll press it into my palm and we'll both stare for a moment and then I'll open you up. Your eyes will be wide and your breath might be shallow and your hands might shake but you'll give up the hold you've had on your heart for so long and let it beat like it is supposed to, wild and free. All good things are wild and free, you told me once. And even though you disguised it expertly, I could feel the ache in your soul when you said it.

Someday ache will be gone and we'll dance and we'll sit in streets at midnight and watch the velvet in the sky with our fingers tangled together like the laces on your favorite sneakers. The wind will set fire to our cheeks and we'll dive headfirst and reckless into cool waters and watch our legs grow miles long under the surface. You'll rest on your side with your head propped on your hand as I read quietly; when I stumble over words you won't laugh. I'll watch you play your guitar and marvel at your hands; the way they move so softly across the strings like air or like clouds. Like your kisses and your fingertips.

216 no no no no no

2009-11-27T19:22:00.002-04:00

my five year old niece just asked me who my best friend is and i said i don't know, i never thought this would be me, living in a shell too tired to even care about getting out of it

i'm spectacular at making the ugliest shit out of the most beautiful things

215 how in the

2009-11-23T18:16:00.002-04:00

maybe later

214 step out the front door like a ghost

2009-11-07T22:24:00.008-04:00

into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white

ugh, this fucking headache. and i am disgusted with myself again. everything hurts i'm bleeding out the brain i'm pretty sure and it's not even late but i'm about to turn out the hotel light and sleep in my jeans. hair falling in my eyes forget i'm breathing i can feel my bones grinding and i just want to go home right now, i just want to go home

she says, "shh, i know, i know it's only in my head"
but the girl on the car in the parking lot says
"man, you should try to take a shot
can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
then she looks up at the building, says
"i'm thinking of jumping,"
she says, "i'm sick and tired of life"
everybody's tired of something

when did this happen and why does that inevitable ghost always seep into my skin and freeze my bones when the sun has just begun to warm me again

213 flew

2009-11-02T22:40:00.003-04:00

i slept for three hours and now it feels like morning. naps turn my day upside down, i feel like it's early morning, so early it's still dark out, and i should be going somewhere on a plane or a long car ride with pillows and sleeping on someone's shoulder in the backseat. headphones in, eyes closed, world flying by outside and i wouldn't even know

(by Könrad)

when i woke up i heard my mom and my aunt in the living room talking about when their mom died. they were really young, my mom was 17 and my aunt was even younger. my aunt said how she felt empty, my mom talked about how there was so much food left over after the funeral and how at her graduation she was so lonely because her mom wasn't there. the conversation somehow ended with my aunt complaining about her professor who says 'fuck' ten times every class. i got up and made some cereal and walked back into my room and was wondering if i have mono because i've been so tired, i feel like i could sleep for days or weeks and maybe when i woke up i wouldn't feel like taking things for granted anymore

212 walking crooked down the beach

2009-10-29T17:37:00.003-04:00

she spits in the sand where their bones are bleaching

i'm frrrrreezing, wearing a hoodie and one of my favorite pairs of old washed out slumped over nearly shredded jeans and my legs are crossed and my feet are tucked in underneath them to keep them warm but still i'm so cold, my fingers are freezing like little icicles

sometimes i'm walking and i realize something and it's like a slap in the face or someone dropped something on my head from a second story window. today i realized how endless and pointless and destructive my habit of comparing myself to other people is, i tend to think that because somebody else is beautiful there's no way i am too. like there can only be one beautiful person in the world at any given moment and since it's obviously her, i must be nothing. i don't know, i don't really have anything to say could you tell

i'm going to tucson for another show over the weekend, i'm excited but i can't really get myself up to pack because i'm afraid to go in the kitchen, fuck meeeeee how stupid is this

211

2009-10-25T16:27:00.002-04:00

it's tangible, a dampened down version of the love we see in the movies, it's in my head not my heart. i think if i could just learn to take a dive and live through my heart and stop trying to see, we could have something great. i don't want to be the person who breaks your heart, but i can't seem to give you mine

210 blurred the lines of lust and love

2009-10-21T12:55:00.001-04:00

i suppose you learn to live with these things but for right now i feel sick

209 sidewalk crouches at her feet

2009-10-20T16:07:00.003-04:00

time escapes, slides through cracks in the windows and out into the air and it's gone. you can't patch up the windows and you can't catch it when it floats away, chances are you don't even try. but there's always more waiting there to be found, to be used up, whether it's noticed or it's not. there's always more until it's gone. what do you do when you run out of time?

208 of nightmares and sleeping pills

2009-10-14T13:50:00.002-04:00

driving home alone last night i was so tired that i started to regret the best thing that's ever happened to me. i made myself shut it out, parked the car, left the lights on, pressed my head on the steering wheel that disappears in my dreams, turned the lights off just as i was about to fall asleep. walked inside, took a sleeping pill, slept for almost 10 hours.

i dreamed i was on a raft with two other people, i knew them but now i can't remember who they were. we jumped into the river, somehow we were starving, and we swam to the other side. went into a huge house where two young girls and their older sister were living. their parents were out of town until the next day, they said we could stay. we stayed and had toast and i took a shower and i remember the color of the shampoo. flash to: two nearly dead figures lying in the woods, bones so sharp they're sticking through the skin, and i somehow know this is supposed to be me.

sometimes i fucking hate the dreams i have when i take seroquel

207 i like what you say

2009-10-12T18:42:00.002-04:00

last night i fell in love, out of love, in love again, my heart is a mess my mind is a mess i don't know what's going on. sometimes when i haven't slept i blink and the world runs out from underneath my feet and i'm falling but there's nowhere to land so i just keep going

regrets empty mind fog can't focus should start driving not ready still too young just up there i'll wait forever if i don't do something about this

206 i have so many things to say

2009-10-10T11:57:00.003-04:00

god, i feel like my heart and my brain are just bursting with words and thoughts and colors and sounds, i have missed writing i have missed having a place to empty myself out and i need to stop caring what everyone thinks about this because it is mine and this is my mind and i have nobody to impress

i feel selfish but i've been told i'm selfless to a fault. i feel mediocre but people think i'm above and beyond. i hate the way i write but some people love to read my words. i don't feel funny but i make people laugh. i rarely feel beautiful but you say i am and sometimes i believe you. it amazes me that anyone can find anything in me worth being awe stricken over, it amazes me that i am apparently so blind that i can't see myself in the right light, but i suppose this isn't anything unusual.

it's kind of like looking in the mirror and saying, this is it. this is who i am and maybe i need to say, fuck what i think i see. have a little faith in people, maybe they're right. maybe that freckle you hate isn't overwhelmingly important because maybe when people look at you they see the way the light hits your cheek, the colored flecks in your eyes and the way even when your lips are chapped they're the perfect shade of rose and your hair is like honey curls.

the people you're comparing yourself to, they have insecurities, too, you know. "bemoaning the fact that you don't measure up to some bikini model is a self-destructive waste of time," i read in a magazine while i was at mirasol. i smiled at that. i put it on the collage i made for the woman i credit with holding my hand and dragging me, kicking and screaming, out of the black hole that was threatening to consume my life. she laughed at the way i read it to her, and god i loved that day. you know what, i loved those three months. december 15th, it will have been a year since my admission. my heart is still in tucson, it will always be in tucson. thank you

205 i rock too fast for love

2009-10-06T00:09:00.003-04:00

whether or not this is "it," love or magic like waking up in your arms and like sunny wordless afternoons, i don't care what it is right now, i don't want you to leave, i don't want you to leave i don't want you to leave

i didn't even know until you said the word military, i didn't know what it would do to me. i was surprised at the way my heart dropped, and the way my voice sounded when i spoke, and the way my eyes were suddenly hot and the road was a little blurry.

i'll never tell you what to do. i can only do what i can. i'm learning that i can't control anybody but myself and that's okay, it's just that i don't like sleeping alone since you

204 wanna have control

2009-10-02T16:48:00.003-04:00

i don't know what to call this but i know what not to call this

what in the hell do you see in me?

203 carpe diem quam minimum credula postero

2009-09-28T00:14:00.006-04:00

^^^ i want this tattooed, somewhere nobody will see it ever except for me and anyone i choose to share it with. in tiny curly letters and maybe with a few birds but permanence scares me so i'll have to give this some thought

maybe it makes me sad that sometimes i still wonder if this is right

this is me trying not to think anymore, today was good i think. i just wish you'd forget about the world sometimes when you look at me because i want to be the one who erases everything except for the little shadows across my bones and the way my hair sometimes falls in front of my eyes and the color my skin is in the sun. i love wearing your sweatshirt and your shoes and my old basketball shorts to gas stations at five in the morning, i'm just confused right now

cute creature says cheer up, everyone, vida est decorus

202

2009-09-24T03:37:00.000-04:00

i can't sleep and i am shit with words, don't be fooled

201 nothing else matters

2009-09-21T14:26:00.003-04:00

well, i guess an update is in order considering the way i've been neglecting this. i really haven't meant to but the days are moving so fast and before i know it i look and realize, oh, i haven't said a thing in a week

i've been doing well, and for once this is the truth. i have more to focus on than what i am (not) eating and how easy it would be to play the xylophone on my bones. i have been working and learning and running on zero sleep because it's hard to go home when all i want is to stay there with you.

i like sitting out on the street with you at two in the morning

200

2009-09-19T12:28:00.002-04:00

life is moving so fast. i am deeply content, maybe even happy?

i'm sorry, i'll try to stop neglecting this

what a shitty 200th post lolllllll

199 the little orchestra and why

2009-09-14T12:13:00.002-04:00

are you lying to yourself?

198 slow down

2009-09-08T17:17:00.003-04:00

All that you contrive, and all that you’re deprived

All the bourgeois social angels telling you you’ve got to change

Don’t have any idea. They’ll never see so clear.

i've been busy, i guess. working, learning, laughing, blushing, hugging, kissing, experiencing, listening, touching, tasting. i miss writing, i miss reading, i miss when days seemed long enough. my days are full but they are full of good things and bright things.

but there's still a little part of me that wonders what waits for me in the darkness, what if i just gave in and went back, what if i willed myself to disappear, what if i became the air you walk through and breathe in when you're alone, staring at your feet wondering what you're doing here, wondering where i am. i could vanish, you know, i know that i could, but i'm trying not to. keep holding on, i tell myself every day and it's working lately. but i still wonder, i think i'll always wonder

197 wild horses couldn't drag me away

2009-08-30T12:22:00.004-04:00

dangerous combination, your (my) heart racing breath hot at my neck hands at my ribcage smile on your face all the thoughts in my mind running together and then just ceasing to exist, then when i get home the stars are brighter in the 3am sky than i've ever seen them out here. or i won't drive home and i'll stay pressed against your back and listen to you sigh because i can never sleep but for once i'm happy not to.

what if?

196 you're a bird on a wire

2009-08-27T14:16:00.002-04:00

i've had a headache for days, it's sitting right behind my eyes, and i don't know what we're doing

or if it's worth all this ache and sick twists in my stomach and the staying up late and waking up early. neglecting the things i need to do and telling you no, no, but not being able to convince you. there are parts of myself i am not willing to lose and there are other things that need to come first and that's just that.

195

2009-08-21T18:31:00.002-04:00

the whole world would be easier if i could just stop thinking so fucking much, i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired you're not it.

194 we all want something beautiful

2009-08-20T14:29:00.002-04:00

i've been quieter than usual but inside my head is roaring, my heart is pounding and i think my lungs are about to burst.

you said you saw two shooting stars that night and you wouldn't tell me what you wished for. the next night, almost three in the morning standing in the street, i asked you again and you said it didn't matter because they'd already come true. i like you

193 wrapped in rhythm soul space and rock n roll

2009-08-17T19:07:00.002-04:00

what a weird situation

what do you think, are they drowning or are they only now just learning to breathe?

192 s is for

2009-08-14T04:23:00.000-04:00

the only things i can handle right now: seroquel, sudoku, sleep

the only things i can feel/think right now: self-loathing, shame, sorrow, suffering, scars, sour, sad, scum, slave, stuck, suicide, sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK

i am so: sorry

191 i believe in silence

2009-08-11T03:41:00.003-04:00

i smell like honey and words are melting like sugar beneath my tongue, my hair is a wild mane of golden brown waves and i feel like i'll never need to sleep again. i let myself slip back into some pretty awful habits, starving and relishing that dull ache in my gut pressing my fingertips into my hips until i swore i was touching the stark white of bone. but i'm on the other side now, my heart is swelling and i'm finally welcoming the tiny butterflies in my stomach.

i know this happens to me often, i slip into the water and just when i'm about to drown i come up gasping for air, every sweet breath filling my lungs like the million thoughts i've yet to share with the world. and i'll swear that i'm never going to slip into that ocean again but i probably will. but that's okay because while i'm here, while i'm on land, i'm going to embrace it and run through the hot sand barefoot and lay under the sun all day.

i've given up on (a boy) but i don't feel like it was too much of a loss. i was probably setting myself up for disaster, knowing the things i knew about him, i was ignoring my head to listen to my flushed cheeks and shaky knees. it's hard for me to tell sometimes because i'm in love with love and this is something i've grown to accept, i'll never ask my head to come down from the clouds because that is where i think it belongs. you fall farther when you live way up there but you live better, you live so much better.

190 they say you gotta stay hungry

2009-08-09T02:10:00.003-04:00

my eye is burning

189 we interweave so much that we've lost a bit of solid ground

2009-08-03T13:59:00.004-04:00

back in phoenix and a safer state of mind

honestly i'm not feeling like words today so here is the weekend in photos:

and of course, my beloved monster and me

too happy for my camera to even focus on, i've come back from the dead

188

2009-07-31T02:30:00.002-04:00

such a headache so sorry i'm really sorry sorry sorry really need some help always ruin everyithng

187 the nights are forever, i can't get to sleep. and i know there's a reason, i'm in this too deep

2009-07-29T01:32:00.005-04:00

just so you know i've always been jealous of you too. i've always seen you as so beautiful and pure of heart and with nothing but dedication and a will to do what's right. and me, i was the one who gave the impression of being a lovely wonderful bright girl but i knew (i know) that inside i'm just a lie. i am not a golden girl, i am muddied and i envy and i manipulate and nothing's ever good enough. you worked and i had things given to me. i fucking hate saying that. i hate admitting that i think you are a better person than i am but i do. you are. and the more time goes by the stronger that gets. i feel like you're growing and becoming greater and i'm slipping back and becoming weaker.

but as much as i think that i know that i've dealt with a lot. so don't think i am choosing destruction over the one thing i love. i've come back literally from within seconds of killing myself and i've done it because

i have wings

186 someday i'll look back on this and i'll either laugh or cry

2009-07-28T03:59:00.004-04:00

i can't let thing i love the most come second to the voices screaming at me to etch away the lines of my body, turn myself into bones and dirt under my fingernails and shaky bruised knees

i'm not tired. there's something about being home that won't let me sleep. my bed is too big and i'm too small (but i'm not small enough i'm never small enough) and my room is so full but it's just too empty

it's weird, what we have. do we have something or am i letting myself dream? i can't imagine you doing this but i wonder do you think of me and pick up your phone and put it back down again because you think i won't answer

(i will answer)

185

2009-07-23T11:08:00.004-04:00

i wish i had more to say but anymore i'm more wordless than breathless

and i'm chapped lips and messy hair and wishing on stars in the daytime

184 like teen spirit

2009-07-19T05:26:00.005-04:00

i never would have thought i'd be running through the sprinklers on the field of my old elementary school in the middle of the night, shaking the water out of my hair and wishing you'd just come give me a hug, what the fuck is wrong with me

but i will honestly consider this one of the best nights of my life, so this is why people smile. i feel quite literally like i am about to burst from just the sheer joy of everything and everyone that is around me.

i definitely lied before. i still like you. but if i let myself stop and think about all the reasons i shouldn't... well, every time i stop and think i ruin things, teach me to jump with my eyes closed

PS dear readers i'm sorry if i'm the most boring motherfucker you've ever encountered

183 i accidentally took my sleep meds at 7am today

2009-07-15T23:17:00.005-04:00

and no amount of coffee in the world could help me in my english class. not a good mix up

a very adorable shy boy works at the subway by my house. i always go on wednesdays because i've noticed he always works on wednesdays. today i started a conversation with him and he got so nervous he started fidgeting and couldn't even look at me, i just wanted to reach across the counter and give him a hug. the boy's got brown eyes and freckles and if you know me you know this is automatic chelsea heart-melting material.

umm i'm sorry if you thought the whole subway thing was going to be really interesting and/or meaningful and/or not like something a middle school girl would write in her blog..........

this is rocky ♥

i know it probably seems really silly and childish but i got rocky at an antique mall i used to always go to when i was little. i would wander wide-eyed up and down rows of glass cases looking at the old dusty jewelry and coins like little oceans with their reflections. i'd touch old musty browned books and know i wasn't the first one to run my fingers along the pages and it filled up the big empty space inside me.

when i walked by abandoned toys the big empty space would be back because how could there be so many toys without somebody to love them? to me they all had little hearts and big sadness and they cried at night when the lights shut off and everyone went home. the thought of it broke me like glass and i just wanted to go to sleep in a big pile of unloved toys. i'm sure this all seems silly but it was so real to me. i can still feel the ache sometimes when i think of people who are suffering.

i just want to help everyone and i hate that i can't

182 it's wednesday

2009-07-15T11:25:00.001-04:00

wednesday is subway day!
will be explained later

181 is there something in the way i move across the floor

2009-07-12T01:09:00.005-04:00

i know it's obvious to say you don't need me anymore

i'm just going to be blunt and say i really liked it when we went back to the old middle school field and you hugged me from behind and rested your head on my shoulder. it was hot out and your arms were wrapped tight around my waist and i wanted you to kiss me that night, i still sort of do but i'm not sure anymore. hey what a concept, me being unsure about something. HEY LIFE

whatever i might let myself forget about you because that's what i do and i'll just keep going to subway...... kudos to you if you know what this means if not maybe it'll be explained on here someday

oh yeah i made one of these because why the hell not

i hope you're all doing alright i really do, this goes to everyone. i want the world to feel happy!

180 i will be the sweetest thing, surrender

2009-07-08T18:48:00.010-04:00

i love

dimples, being an equestrian, skin browned by sun's kiss, fingers tangled through mine, love, lust, the house on mango street, words, your arm pressed into mine, feeling featherlight, giddy butterflies before bed, angles and sharp bones, lyrics, bokeh, wavy messy hair, rocky the raccoon, idiosyncrasies, innocence, running (leaving it all behind), epiphanies, your voice, dreams, old fragile books you can whisper to, you

i miss

fingers sticky with honey and chocolate, playground crushes, friday afternoons with friends and kool-aid and making movies, mirasol, barbequed tempeh, 5am rides the summer i turned 15, a friend so close she was practically my sister, her bright blonde hair and the way it was so messy when we woke up in the morning after laughing ourselves to sleep, when i saw only the best in everyone, you

i want

simplicity, to keep a hold on hope this time, ryan reynolds (......), to make you proud, something meaningful, to be an artist, to know, the right words, to sit in the park at night beneath a tree and write in the dark, love, lust, music, truth, words without speech, you

tell me what you love, what you miss, what you want

179 hearts wrapped in blankets laying low

2009-07-06T00:41:00.005-04:00

i think we all have darkness and i don't think anybody will ever not have it. i think the difference between being happy and being unhappy has nothing to do with the absence of darkness. it's about how long you're willing to lay quiet with your eyes closed, back and palms pressed cold against black asphalt wet with rain, and wait for the streetlights to come on. they will come on. nobody ever said this was going to be easy, so wait, breathe, feel, and don't open your eyes until the lights come on and the orange glow floods in through your eyelids. it will be alright

178 i would be complete if you could put me down in facts and figures

2009-07-04T01:22:00.003-04:00

the hardest things are always black and white

i hate my last post idk sometimes i think i should just shut up

i want to watch fireworks with you

177 i can't hear much but the melody coming from you

2009-07-02T01:59:00.004-04:00

i can shake my shoulders and watch the dirt fall to the ground, i can breathe in and feel my lungs fill up with happy.

i wrote "someone thinks you're beautiful" in tiny letters on the back of a $5 bill. i felt silly but i didn't mind because i really hope somebody reads it, i know those kinds of things always leave my heart smiling a little bit. i'm accepting that i can't change the entire world but i'm not willing to leave this world without making some sort of difference, anything

to anybody whose life is fogged with doubt or weighed down by the words of people who try to discourage your efforts, you'll be alright if you let yourself. those times you feel hope, they're the ones you have to cling to. with every bit of everything you've ever had. and they're going to go away sometimes, and you're going to wonder what's the point
but let the storm pass and god, doesn't the sky always look so much cleaner once the rain has washed away the pollution and the clouds are alight with fire from the sun? imagine life if it never rained

please don't give up on yourself, it's a crime to deprive yourself of these things. my heart aches when i think of the suffering people are going through. i have all the hope in the world for you

176 happy birthday to me happy birthday to me

2009-06-30T00:46:00.005-04:00

seventeen was a big year for me. huge, beyond words. i can't tell you how many firsts, how many lasts, how many tears and how many smiles have come together to make me who i am today.

my heart can't stop fluttering and i love it so much, so so much. i never want to not feel like this, ever.

hmm as for the big one-eight i don't feel like an adult but i never really want to lose that part of me who melts inside watching the fox & the hound, and is most comfortable sleeping with rocky the raccoon. life is simply, simply as it should be

175 i've picked myself up off the floor and heard the dawn break against the door

2009-06-29T01:42:00.003-04:00

hey i'm alright. maybe it's not about whether i'm happy or sad, maybe it's about the face i see in the mirror. not the dark undereye circles or the little chickenpox scar on my cheek but what's behind my eyes. if i let it, the sun shines from somewhere inside and it kisses the world with memories of bright sky and sweet wet grass. but only if i let it.

every time i get a text from you my stomach does these little flips and sweet merciful jesus i feel like i'm in middle school again. tomorrow you're going to teach me to play guitar and we're going to watch a movie at your house and there are little tiny shocks going through my body, everywhere.

174 maybe you just missed the sun

2009-06-26T03:03:00.003-04:00

it's so, so hard to let yourself be happy when it always turns into this

i'm so frustrated i'm about to cry but i'm so exhausted that i can't

last friday i was walking on air and the sun was jealous of my eyes and i couldn't stop smiling even when i was alone. saturday i was still breathing deeply and happily and i went to bed with hope and cheeks sore from laughing. i woke up sunday morning and for no reason i couldn't stop crying and it was all i could do to get out of bed and go to work. i've been lying about how well i've been doing

i'm so fucking tired of being sad. i'm angry and i'm frustrated and i don't want to climb that mountain anymore, the one with laughter and hugs and peaches and eyes crinkling in the corners, because i know what's on the other side and it breaks my heart to let that joy go. every time it gets a little harder and

i'm crying now

173 flutter

2009-06-23T00:49:00.004-04:00

sometimes my words are featherlight and they come like breath and fog up the mirror so i can draw lines through the ghosts and turn any face into a smile. other times i'm doing anything i can to cough up the words but they're stuck somewhere way too deep just waiting for the right time to come out. lately i think i've been doing a lot of that and i'm starting to doubt my way with words.

hmm i messed up again today and every time i swallow i'm reminded of the shame and the disgust and the regret. you'd think something with such awful consequences would be easy to stop, but this is just an addiction. no matter how much the heroin addict with their bruised arms and charcoal eyes and sharp bones hates what they're doing to themselves, they feel so overwhelmingly, numbingly powerless.

i'm not going to be powerless anymore, though. tomorrow is a new day and i intend to treat it as such

172 wanting to feel you, wanting to breathe

2009-06-20T02:14:00.004-04:00

and i thought you wanted to feel like breathing
you have delicate hands
and i know why

i'm all flushed cheeks and breathlessness with a joy i'd only ever read about until recently

last night i got home around 3:30am and tried to sleep but gave up around 6:30, when was the last time i slept? i'm still not tired, it's like my mind doesn't want to slip into dreams and let go of this unbelievable reality. it's holding on to these feelings and i'm saying shh, they will still be here in the morning. i know they will

171 the night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on

2009-06-17T20:34:00.004-04:00

my heart is aching so badly. i'm tired from not getting enough sleep and i didn't take my effexor until 2:30 so it hasn't quite lifted the fog yet. this song just hurts me in the most sad beautiful delicate way possible, there's this stirring inside of me that if i close my eyes will take me over.

i'm going to go for a run to clear my head. i used to be so much happier than this, even this morning i had wings and i blushed a little when a cute stranger caught my eye and smiled. i try to catch those feelings and if i could i would keep them in a little jar or in little tiny bottles by my bed. but i already know that none of the things i want are tangible, so i run and keep running until the ground is flying out from beneath me in waves and in my mind i'll tear the pages from notebooks and leave them on the floor because i don't need them anymore, and i'll smile and watch the white wordless confetti falling down around me. the things in my mind will never be captured with ink and bound to paper. so i'll just keep running

170 and from this gutter we're still staring at the stars

2009-06-17T01:50:00.003-04:00

i watched this movie yesterday, it got 0 stars but i quite liked it. well enough that i could sit through most of it without heaving a great restless sigh which is saying something.

today i was cold a lot and i put on my favorite hoodie and then i ______. again, again. always but i'm trying not to let it drag me down again. i'm still smiling. i had a great day at work, my best friend of 7 years came in all sunburned (but not farmers-tanned as she pointed out) and i hugged her bright red little self to death I LOVE YOU MORGAN. also some of the people i work with are just wonderful and i'm looking forward to getting to know them more.

over the summer i'm taking english 101 at the local community college (hi i know how to write please do not make me conform to your silly rigid little rules) and **mass murderers and serial killers** which is quite a fascinating class. for some reason the more grotesque and completely fucked up the serial killer is, the more interested i am in them. knowing they had something as frail and just plain incredible as a human life completely under their control really does something to me. i'm kind of bored of jeffrey dahmer and btk and ted bundy and the like though because you kind of hear about them a lot and blahblah. i'm into the likes of andrei chickatilo and joseph vacher. i'm doin my report on him yyyay!

how embarrassing the last text i sent ended with "HE IS BEAUTIFUL OMG." talking about a professor at the college. hey sup i'm still a teenage girl okay.

oh ps i kind of am starting to think i'm an okay person... a little bit

169 sleeeeeepy eyes sleepy sleepy gotta get up at 5:49

2009-06-16T01:29:00.004-04:00

i realized the other day that i'm 17 and already a sophomore in college, life goes too fast what a TRIP

imagine that hehe

ugh guys i swear i'm trying to conjure up something interesting but lately all of my thoughts have been like the little squiggly lines you get in your eyes and the harder you try to make them stay still so you can look straight at them, the more impossible it is to catch them FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!

wow just tell me to shut the fuck up do it do it do it

168 the day i thought i'd never get through

2009-06-14T01:59:00.004-04:00

i'm so sick of this. i'm sick of dizzy headaches and that dull ache in my gut from not eating in days. i'm sick of purging until i puke blood. i'm sick of crying in front of the mirror and i'm sick of hopelessness.

i'm finally ready to change. this is OVER. i don't need an eating disorder to hold my hand anymore. my eating disorder is not my best friend, it's taken so much from me. i can do anything, i can be anyone, i can feel anything

this is not going to pass. i'm going to hold onto this, i'm going to break barriers and i'm going to change.

167

2009-06-13T00:32:00.000-04:00

oh my god i really can't do this

166 hands in my pockets, straightjacket mind, it's gettin easy

2009-06-11T14:37:00.008-04:00

so if you couldn't tell (i don't really expect you to be able to) i've been slipping backwards, supposedly "pretty badly" but i never think anything is bad enough. my mom called my old trainer in colorado and asked her to look for a buyer for lenardo. if they get rid of my horse i will literally have no reason not to starve myself to death. just sayin

my hair isn't that disgusting anymore i promise

my friend keeps texting me and i'm too tired to reply. no i don't really want to hang out on sunday. hey this is so familiar, it's amazing how easy it is to fall back into this bullshit. i'm not really seeing what i'm typing the world is kind of far away and the screen is just a hallucination, there's something pushing on my eyes from inside my head and i have a headache

you blink once and the ghosts are back and your skin is just paper stretched across bone, the things i want i can't hold

165 how weightless they must be, without feeling

2009-06-08T21:52:00.008-04:00

close your eyes
everything a different shade of gold, shimmery flakes of dust floating through the air to land softly on the smooth skin of a little freckle-faced girl, golden locks falling in ripples and waves around her shoulders and down her back
you inhale and the smell is cinammon and clean, something clean, anything clean and you don't feel dirty anymore. nothing is dark and nothing is gray and everything holds your hands and leads you around this corner, that corner to discover what lies ahead. and you find it and laugh and your heart sighs one of those nice sighs and you wish on fallen eyelashes and even if the wishes don't come true you just close your eyes and say thank you to whoever will listen

now open them
the world is raining and you're lost on an empty street. the buildings are gray with nobody inside them to light a fire or flick a light switch to chase away the demons and the doors are locked. so there you are standing outside while it pours and you used to like the rain but now it just hurts. you're drowning in something but it's not the water, you look down at your bare feet and they're so pale and sad looking without the bright polish you once wore. your stomach growls and you go to take a step forward but you're just too tired. you look up at the clouds and it's a sea of silhouettes and weightless ghosts and you wish you were like them but you never will be so you start to cry and the salt water of your tears falls heavier than the rain ever could

164 i really do have so much to say but i'm no good with words

2009-06-06T21:06:00.010-04:00

"there's nothing to writing. all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."
walter wellesley "red" smith

sometimes things are just so wonderful and i don't really know how to react. i've never been good at dealing with life when it's going right, this is hard to explain but i usually end up sabotaging myself when things start to go well. this time i'm trying not to, but isn't that what i always do?

oh hey i put a negative spin on this already, i didn't mean to do that so soon (or at all). i had a good day at work i guess, and then afterwards in the grocery store i was just all chatter and wit and smiles and push push pushing myself around on the shopping cart, you know when you stand on the back and wheel down the aisles at BREAKNECK speed or at least fast enough to do considerable damage if you hit a liquor stand.

there was a boy working at the grocery store who went to my middle school (oh hey **english 101 lesson** that was a misplaced modifier i love not caring), it was kind of weird. blast to the past or whatever. see in middle school i was this painfully awkward passive-aggressive wallflower and if i spoke i turned the color of a tomato. i had messed up friendships and ALWAYS wore my hair up and almost cried when i got sent to the guidance counselor for writing a mean note and never kissed a boy or anything. i used to walk up stairs and imagine jumping off and lying there and nobody would know my name when someone asked who was the weird chick with the broken neck and the bloody face. i've always been a people-watcher but in middle school i spent more time looking down at my feet, now that i think about it i must have looked unapproachable all the time because i rarely focused on anything but the way my jeans looked with my shoes. i used to always wish i could go back knowing what i know now, just to know how different my life would be

but maybe i don't want to anymore

163 i owe you more than this

2009-06-05T13:30:00.004-04:00

i think a sigh can say so many different things
it can say i'm bored or i'm tired or i'm sick of your meaningless words, when will your actions come to life? it can say i don't want to do this anymore.

it can say wow, this world is beautiful. this has been the tone of my sighs today, and

i get a little braver every day

162 we've got a lot, don't you dare forget that

2009-06-03T02:31:00.010-04:00

SO, for my english 101 class (omfg this class makes me want to shoot myself btw i know how to construct a sentence and i hate the rigidness of the way we are "supposed" to write) we have to write a descriptive personal narrative about overcoming a great challenge that has made us into the person we are today. one guess what my first thought was!
so i'm sitting there in class all excited because i know how i want to write this paper and then i realize, the professor is going to read this paper. and then she's going to know. and then how will she look at me?

and i start to second guess myself because i'm not sure if i really want her to know all of that. then she reveals that we will have to share our rough draft with a group. and then i decide that i am 100% not, no way, no how, ever going to write about my eating disorder.

(keep in mind x number of years ago, any time the words 'eating disorder' entered my thoughts, i was certain that i was 100% not, no way, no how ever going to have an eating disorder)

so i wrote it. and i decided i'm going to share it and i'm fucking terrified, honestly. but i want to put it on here before i read it out loud to a bunch of strangers (HEH??) because i want to go through it one more time so i can be absolutely sure of what i'm doing.

sigh, here goes. sorry if it's all stuff you've heard before and it's terribly cliche and it's really... ugh whatever this is bullshit don't read it if you don't want to i'm done with the stupid disclaimers

"Every day I struggle with the demon that is an eating disorder. Every day I worry, calculate, analyze, poke and prod at my body and try to drown out the disgust that fills and coats my mouth. I fight the urge to cut out calories and meals. I shake with effort as I resist the impossibly powerful drive to rush to the bathroom alone after a meal and rid myself of the food that leaves me feeling dirty, worthless, impure. Every day I fight the impulses that send me blindly catapulting into flames of self-destruction and I fight the anxiety that drives a million tiny needles into my skin. I spent three months in a treatment center where my weight was stabilized and I received therapy from several talented psychologists and since then I have been home for about two and a half months. It feels like a lifetime since the first time I realized I really had a problem, but thanks to a treatment center called Mirasol, I am lucky enough to still be here.

The day my problem became most real to me, looked me straight in the face with bone-chilling coldness, was just the start of a very long journey. It was around noon when my mom announced that she was going to run errands and asked if I wanted her to bring me back something to eat. I hesitated and bit my lip, staring straight ahead, before bursting into tears. I was agonizing over whether to give in to my hunger and endure the inevitable self-loathing or keep starving and hang desperately on to the feelings of pride that came with fasting. My mom decided to bring me something back, and I ate it through tears, sobbing and choking and feeling completely disgusted with myself and my body. I swallowed tear after salty tear and it became apparent to me that maybe my mom was right. Maybe I really did have a problem. Unfortunately, by the time I realized the hole I had dug myself into, I was further down than I had ever imagined and looking up out of the ground wasn't so easy anymore.

After the breakdown, my parents had me see a therapist, who suggested I try an outpatient program called Healthy Futures. Twice a week for four hours at a time I sat with either a therapist, dietitian, or group of four to six other girls in a room that smelled like cheap home fragrances. I found the groups essentially useless; we "checked in" and talked about what was going on in our lives but were cautioned not to talk about anything that might trigger another girl, which meant topics like food, weight, and body image were forbidden. I continued dropping weight and restricting food intake until they told my parents that I couldn't stay. They recommended trying an inpatient treatment facility and soon we were on the phone with endless facilities across the country. We eventually settled on a treatment center in Tucson called Mirasol.

Mirasol was my saving grace; there, I was provided consistency, safety, comfort, and an acceptance I had never known to exist elsewhere. The staff became my friends and saw me through times of desperate tears and brilliant shining smiles. I became friends with some of the other girls there and found an indescribable comfort in the things we shared. I could finally relate to people. I was able to harness my creativity and pour myself into collaging and writing when I was struggling. I learned about the causes behind an eating disorder, and for the first time I truly believed that there was nothing "wrong" with me as a person. The wounds I had failed to recognize and treat since childhood finally began to heal.

I truly believe now that if I had not gone to Mirasol, I wouldn't be here today. At best, I might be lying in a hospital bed, pale and transparent as a ghost, eating through a feeding tube. My struggles are still a daily challenge but I am more able to cope. I am able to go out to lunch without the road in front of me blurring through tears into a haze of gray as I drive home. I completed the testing necessary to receive a GED and I have a job I love. I still work with my therapist from Mirasol, who helps keep me in line with her extremely effective and unconventional methods. And, for the first time since that unforgettable, eye-opening breakdown, I have hope for myself and my future."

omg how corny am i.
really i'm just scared, do i really want to be split open and exposed and that pure and raw in front of people i've known for 2 days?

hold my hand please